Husband just bought home by police. Furious

[yellowelli]

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

@TopTabby

Guarantee at least 90% of the 'cool' people on here saying none of this would worry them in the slightest are lying.

Nope. Firstly I'd have been in bed asleep so wouldn't be worrying. Admittedly when the door went I'd have been annoyed at being woken up but then wouldn't be worrying about the what ifs. As a one off I'd have sorted him out. If it was a habit I wouldn't still be with him.

OP I would feel exactly the same as you.

I'm glad he's apologetic and embarrassed and hopefully will learn from it.

My cousins husband sadly died in almost identical circumstances after being hit on a main road in poor conditions. 3 kids left without a Dad, it's horrific.

How nice are the Police. He'd have been slapped in a cell in some places.
Everyone makes mistakes, you said he almost never goes out, so long as he shows some contrition, I'd be inclined to forgive this.
His next move should be to drop off a big hamper of biscuits down your local nick with a Thank You card and a sincere apology.

I work in a school, I’m not allowed my phone out - I can still send a text when I’ve finished to let someone know I’m leaving.

I can but I often forgot until I was driving. Can’t text then. Can’t pull over on the motorway. Won’t use the phone in the car, even hands free.

It is an excuse for couples who don’t trust each other to make sure they are where they say they are but dress it up like it’s a safety or convenience thing like it’s impossible to send a quick text.

What rubbish. Seeing it as a trust issue, actually shows a mistrust in a relationship. My husband and I trust each other to use it appropriately. But here’s another example of when it works. My husband went to the doctors with a sore back and ended up in hospital. He was drugged up on pain killers and I had no idea he was there. Nobody thought to call and tell me. He was supposed to be picking up our daughter but I couldn’t get hold of him to check if he was on his way or if I needed to do it. Saw on the phone he was at the hospital, managed to get a friend’s mum to pick my daughter up and keep her until I could get there and find out what was happening. Without it, it would have been a real problem.

Don’t use it if you don’t trust your partner to use it properly, but don’t judge others for using it in a way that works for them. I can turn it off if I want to.

If it's not a regular occurrence...

Also men can and do have their drinks spiked.

I must say I wouldn't like to be in some of the marriages on here where you can't make one out of character mistake without the threat of divorce.

I'm not 'cool' just because I'd let one uncharacteristic mistake ruin my marriage or even my weekend!

Providing he was sorry and it wasn't a habit what would be the point of dragging it out or even more extremely, LTB? No one is perfect, most people fuck up from time to time. I actually don't think you should be married to someone if you can't handle the rare "fuck up" from your spouse (obviously not talking serious things like infidelity or abuse).

@Usou

Adult man gets tanked up on incredibly rare night out.

What is this? The controlling wives club?

This. Poor fella.

Not let**

I’m sorry I lost it soaking crying husband 😂😂

He has a pregnant wife and a child, so NO he should not be putting his life in unnecessary danger.

I do love the insinuation that if he’d had no pregnant wife or child, his actions would have been just fine. Is there some kind of hierarchy here? Would it be so bad if he had a wife who wasn’t pregnant? Or a child but no wife? Throwing “pregnant wife and child” in there to somehow ramp up the danger is laughable.

He did a stupid thing. Nobody died. He probably won’t do it again.

@TristesseDurera

Yes, I do apologise to you as you were referring to that post. However, I was referring to the original post, which contradicts that one and says alongside. So to be honest I'm not really sure why I am bothering to reply.

Yep. We use it for plenty of valid reasons. Prior to WFH, my husband used to use it to know when to put my veg on for dinner as I was always forgetting to let him know when I was on my way.

Sorry but this is BS.

Either you finish around the same time every day - so they know when to put it on. Or worst comes to worst you get in earlier than expected and have to wait an extra 10mins for your veg.

Or you finish at completely different times - which means he’s got to constantly check it throughout the day incase you leave and he hasn’t realised which is absolutely ridiculous!

Text when you leave work. If you forget have your dinner a few minutes later than normal. Most people like to get changed and wash up before dinner anyway so it’s a non issue.

If you want to keep track off each other - fine.
But don’t act like it’s a safety thing or so you can have dinner served for the second they come in the door because that’s lies.

At least he knows he made an absolute dick of himself, so best let it go and it can go into the annals of historical fuck ups. Makes a good story for the future.

He was supposed to be picking up our daughter but I couldn’t get hold of him to check if he was on his way or if I needed to do it.

Lol.

If your daughter doesn’t get picked up from school the school would ring the emergency contacts.
I’m pretty sure you would have guessed something was up if they’d rang you to say he hadn’t turned up.

[quote Obviouspretzel]@TristesseDurera

Yes, I do apologise to you as you were referring to that post. However, I was referring to the original post, which contradicts that one and says alongside. So to be honest I'm not really sure why I am bothering to reply.[/quote]
It doesn't contradict it all. Just adds more detail.

At least read all of the op's posts if you're going to tell her she's wrong about her own experience. There's even a special "see all" link so you can do that before declaring confidently that it was all totally fine (or whatever).

I will absolutely hate to be tracked in that way, quick text to say that I’m going to be late it’s fine but to the point that my husband is checking my whereabouts is wrong, probably it will make me be secretive and turn the thing off

Hi @yellowelli
You are completely normal. I also have a DH who hasn’t been to a nightclub since he was a student, he is not controlled! We also have find my friend. It’s used to know if someone is stuck at work/traffic when the person can’t phone so you know they’ll be late. Completely normal for us and only the people saying no to it are the ones with red flags

@WonderfulYou - I'm not sure what your relationship/s are like, but believe me, it's perfectly possible to use Find My Friends in good, healthy relationships 😂.

@supadupapupascupa

Find my friends is the best thing ever! Tea is on ready for arrival, I can make plans without bothering him. Son has it too so I know where he is in his long journey home from school. Is just.......nice! I love seeing where my Neices are and my sister in law. You only set it up my mutual agreement. So if you don't like it you don't do it. Simple's

Exactly! This is why we use it.

It’s a bit embarrassing for him but if it’s a one-off I would let it go. I have had too much to drink once or twice, usually after a period where I haven’t drunk alcohol for a while. Luckily I have good friends that look after me so I was in no danger at all but I was mortified. Thankfully my dh would just come and get me and stick me in bed and never mentioned it again. I would have hated it if he kept bringing it up.

It’s easy to overdo it when your tolerance is low and he will be feeling bad enough. I say this kindly as I can understand your worry but he doesn’t need you harping on about it. He made a mistake and he will be fully aware of that.

@yellowelli

Multiple people are latching on to the fact I track him on an app and saying what a red flag that would be and how bad it would be the other way round. Do you understand how find my friends works? It's a safety thing that we both consented to have each other on. We both use it to see if the other is nearly home, so we can have dinner sorted. It's an app. I haven't put a tracking device on his car. He's text me before making jokes about me being at McDonald's. Its not stalking being able to see where your partner is if it's something you both consented, decided and choose to share. Bonkers suggesting otherwise. Having your partner on find my friends isn't unusual?!

Very normal for families to use this! Hardly stalking

I will absolutely hate to be tracked in that way, quick text to say that I’m going to be late it’s fine but to the point that my husband is checking my whereabouts is wrong, probably it will make me be secretive and turn the thing off

Well then that's your prerogative. But if two consenting adults want to be able to use FMF then surely that's theirs?

You do realise that in most cases it's for convenience - not to constantly monitor another person's whereabouts?

My goodness op I'd be fuming too. His behaviour was completely irresponsible and could have been catastrophic. Of course you're not controlling. What nonsense. Dh and I have access to each other's location via Google maps.

@Monzeitia

I will absolutely hate to be tracked in that way, quick text to say that I’m going to be late it’s fine but to the point that my husband is checking my whereabouts is wrong, probably it will make me be secretive and turn the thing off

I'm seperated but even the thought of this kind of tech literally makes me feel quesy and claustrophobic. I think every adult is entitled to their privacy and to retain the flexibility to go about their life without being tracked. I would never, ever go along with this and would find it a red flag if it were suggested.

This thread is very odd.

There’s nothing wrong with being worried, but I would not be this worried in bed a few hours after he was supposed to come home after a night out. Nights out always drag on longer than you think, so I wouldn’t have got worried until 5am, then I probably would have checked the FAF. Your husband is a 40 year old man, so it’s very different to if it was a female who was out (we all unfortunately know why), which is why if the roles were reversed my partner would have got worried about me a bit earlier than that.

I don’t know anyone who wasn’t had a drunkenly stupid walk home. However, that was something that we all did in our teens and twenties. Doing it in your 40s is quite grim, but if he doesn’t get out much then that’s what tends to happen- people don’t understand their limits and have a low tolerance, they try to keep up with friends and it results in that. But, as I said, we’ve all done it and it was a mistake.

So, with that in mind, I would have a conversation with him in the morning explaining that I was annoyed about wasting police time and him putting himself in that situation, but I’d also explain to him that he can obviously still go out and have fun, but maybe next time to pre-book a taxi or at least make sure phone is fully charged and ring me for a lift home if needs be. If he goes out as rarely as you say then that shouldn’t be an issue at all.

I do find the whole checking FAF thing very odd though. You really don’t need to- a simple text really does suffice in these situations. It’s very different someone volunteering information to you, ie, “hey I’ve just left work now x” vs you going onto an app and looking at where he is .

Personally, I couldn’t be in a relationship which has so many rules and nuances regarding where I or my partner are at all hours of the day or night. I also wouldn’t appreciate someone openly telling me that nights out sick and sound awful- you’ve already put a dampener on an occasion so honestly, it’s no wonder why he went a bit mad. You’ve argued a lot on the thread that he doesn’t even want to go out, but that’s clearly not true, as why would he have went last night, then? Why would he have drunk so much if he doesn’t enjoy it? I highly doubt his friends were holding him down and forcing him to down vodka.

A lot of things to consider here. It doesn’t sound healthy, though- it sounds stifling.