Husband just bought home by police. Furious

[yellowelli]

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

@TristesseDurera

No. The original post says "police found him staggering alongside a main road" . Where in that sentence does it mention he is in the road, or in the middle of the road. How about you actually read it before responding ?

The OP also added, "with no phone, no coat, in the pouring rain". Irrelevant and shows how she sees him as a child. No phone? No problem. People went out for years with no phone. For most of civilisation, actually.

No coat? Wow. He's going to get wet. Hardly a police matter is it?

Couldn't speak coherently? Yeah. He was pissed. That will happen.

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead.

Context is all.

If my first husband had done this I'd have been more furious than worried - he was generally inconsiderate of me amd the kids and this would have been just another demonstration of his general attitude of contempt for me

If my second husband did this I'd be worried sick and nothing but relieved he was ok - because he's a wonderful man who adores me. I'd think he'd made a silly mistake and I wouldn't give him a hard time.

The responses to this thread are people coming at it from their own perspectives

This is NOT about him drinking.
This is not about him NOT being arrested.
This is NOT about him going to a club.

This is about him being in such a state of incapacity that he lost his stuff, and was staggering around a main road on a filthy night.

Filthy nights make for hard driving.
Perfect conditions to be hit and killed.

The police have far too much to be doing than dropping people home.

They only did so because they clearly recognised that he was a danger to him himself AND drivers.

He has a pregnant wife and a child, so NO he should not be putting his life in unnecessary danger.

People are killed this way all the time.

I really hope he gets the absolutely stupidity of his actions and is embarrassed.

If he isn't THAT would really piss me off.

grapewines
*I would definitely be forging a letter with a police logo on as he slept to hand him in the morning advising him of his dangerous and risky behaviour and inviting him to attend a session on how to behave appropriately. As the letter went on I would end it with this session is not mandatory if a fine is paid to you his wife.”

Omg, cringing for you Hun

Crikey, calm down.

Anyway he's awake, he's apologised and he's making a fry up so he's hardly being scolded and grounded like a child. The first thing he said was oh god not the police, and surely not that road. He knew how bad it was instantly, it really is a ridiculously dangerous road to do that on. I even told him I saw him in that night club on find my friends and he didn't freak out at being 'stalked' but said that's how to know he was out of control because it's a prime student spot with awful music and sweat dripping off the walls and he was old enough to be most peoples dad. So there we go. He's clearly embarrassed so I'll leave it there. I posted in an embarrassed rage last night and I stand by what I said, answering the door to a grown man in that state with a very visible bump to two police men just was embarrassing and him being on that state on that road was dangerous.

@MissyB1

Actually this is a big part of what the police do. It’s not all murder cases and car chases all night long. Most police work is boring shit like this, pub fights and DV call outs which go nowhere. That’s a big part of police work at night. That and doing nothing. Especially depending where you live.

Does he have form for selfish behaviour? Or did he perhaps go past his limits due to lockdown and not going out for two years? I completely understand why you’re angry, you’re fearful of what might have happened. It was reckless and irresponsible. Hear his side of it when he wakes up and then tell him you’re disappointed and angry, that their dad could have died last night. I’m very glad police picked him up and took him to safety.

@WonderfulYou

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead.

This just absolutely baffles me?! I work in a hospital, I can't reply all the time, there's nothing wrong at all with him checking to see if I've left yet if it's his night to get dinner on. Same for him, if he picks our toddler up for nursery our toddler often has his phone to watch videos on, I'll always check and see how far they are and time dinner accordingly. Neither of us are trying to catch each other in something sinister 😂

@billy1966

This is NOT about him drinking. This is not about him NOT being arrested. This is NOT about him going to a club.

This is about him being in such a state of incapacity that he lost his stuff, and was staggering around a main road on a filthy night.

Filthy nights make for hard driving.
Perfect conditions to be hit and killed.

The police have far too much to be doing than dropping people home.

They only did so because they clearly recognised that he was a danger to him himself AND drivers.

He has a pregnant wife and a child, so NO he should not be putting his life in unnecessary danger.

People are killed this way all the time.

I really hope he gets the absolutely stupidity of his actions and is embarrassed.

If he isn't THAT would really piss me off.

@billy1966

I’m sure he will get that’s it’s stupid today.

“He has a pregnant wife and a child, so NO he should not be putting his life in unnecessary danger.”
So if he didn’t have a pregnant wife and child would it be ok? Is an adult life worth nothing really unless you have a wife and kids?

Ah sorry OP posted before your last reply. Sounds like it’s been resolved mostly. Glad he was honest and open with you.

It's understandable that you feel as you do but hes in his forties, obviously hasn't been out out for quite a while. His alcohol tolerance is probably much lower than when he was used to drinking more frequently. Then , sometimes, for some people the effects don't hit you til you stop drinking and go outside to go home. If he was doing this on a regular basis I would be advising you to get rid of him but as a one-off it's not such a big deal. No harm in letting him know if it happens again you will tell the police to keep him. Out of interest...why weren't the mates he was with looking out for him ? The advice to look out for each other doesn't just apply to girls/women

Sounds like you’ve calmed down this morning OP and put it into perspective 😊👍

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

Imagine this thread in reverse - mans wife comes home drunk from a night out with the girls and he is furious and after telling everyone that he tracks her with an app, commenters agree that she is like totally unattractive and a real turn off. Should he leave her or get mad and read her the riot act?

This.

The op is so quick to make out that people disagreeing have low standards/show misogyny but if this was a man posting the replies would be different.

And tracking apps are weird. Why is your husband checking where you are so often that you've been 'caught several times at Mcdonalds'

@yellowelli

Multiple people are latching on to the fact I track him on an app and saying what a red flag that would be and how bad it would be the other way round. Do you understand how find my friends works? It's a safety thing that we both consented to have each other on. We both use it to see if the other is nearly home, so we can have dinner sorted. It's an app. I haven't put a tracking device on his car. He's text me before making jokes about me being at McDonald's. Its not stalking being able to see where your partner is if it's something you both consented, decided and choose to share. Bonkers suggesting otherwise. Having your partner on find my friends isn't unusual?!

We have each other on Google maps op. In our relationship it's not a control thing at all.

We both used to cycle commute, and it was better for whichever of us was doing dinner to be able to check what time the other would be home.

Also, DH has on a couple of occasions (not regular, twice in 10 years) wobbled his bike into a hedge on the way back from the pub (quiet village road, not a main road), and if he's out after cycling it puts my mind at rest to see where he is.

We've both always had each other on Google maps, there's zero control or trust issues in our relationship.

Just re-read that you both track each other’s whereabouts - this is absolutely not normal and sounds like the relationship is already dead.

What an amazingly stupid comment.

People use Find My Friends by mutual consent for perfectly valid reasons - as the op has explained.

I see MN is keeping up the stance that nobody must ever make a mistake.

My husband did something similar in his 30s. A Christmas night out that went longer than usual, someone suggested shots and his usual internal alarm that it’s time to go, didn’t go off. Paramedics were called, he refused to go with them. I was called to come and get him, but I got there and he was gone. He got mugged on his way back and the police took him home. His wallet was empty but he refused to give it to them anyway “because it was my wallet” 🤦🏻‍♀️

I told him he was an idiot and he should make a donation to the ambulance service.

Christmas is the only time he goes out drinking. Nothing to do with me being controlling. He generally hates pubs and clubs as he struggles to hear most of the conversation, and he’s generally not a fan of crowds of people. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions about that.

I didn’t find it a turn off that a man in his 30’s got too drunk. It happens. It hasn’t happened ever in the nearly 20 years since.

Guarantee at least 90% of the 'cool' people on here saying none of this would worry them in the slightest are lying.

I think your DH has been an idiot. Hope you have a good weekend OP.

Find my friends is the best thing ever! Tea is on ready for arrival, I can make plans without bothering him. Son has it too so I know where he is in his long journey home from school. Is just.......nice! I love seeing where my Neices are and my sister in law. You only set it up my mutual agreement. So if you don't like it you don't do it. Simple's

This just absolutely baffles me?! I work in a hospital, I can't reply all the time, there's nothing wrong at all with him checking to see if I've left yet if it's his night to get dinner on.

I work in a school, I’m not allowed my phone out - I can still send a text when I’ve finished to let someone know I’m leaving.

There is absolutely no need to check the tracker at all with things like needing to put dinner on etc.

It is an excuse for couples who don’t trust each other to make sure they are where they say they are but dress it up like it’s a safety or convenience thing like it’s impossible to send a quick text.

People use Find My Friends by mutual consent for perfectly valid reasons - as the op has explained.

Yep. We use it for plenty of valid reasons. Prior to WFH, my husband used to use it to know when to put my veg on for dinner as I was always forgetting to let him know when I was on my way. I use it now to check whether he has left the office to see whether he could bring in something for lunch. If he were on a rare night out, I’d definitely use it to see if he has made the last train or if I am going to have to stay up to go and collect him.

If people think it is sinister and the end of a relationship, that says a lot about their relationships.

[quote Obviouspretzel]@TristesseDurera

No. The original post says "police found him staggering alongside a main road" . Where in that sentence does it mention he is in the road, or in the middle of the road. How about you actually read it before responding ?

The OP also added, "with no phone, no coat, in the pouring rain". Irrelevant and shows how she sees him as a child. No phone? No problem. People went out for years with no phone. For most of civilisation, actually.

No coat? Wow. He's going to get wet. Hardly a police matter is it?

Couldn't speak coherently? Yeah. He was pissed. That will happen.[/quote]
It says it right here. In op's post at 07.33

It's a completely pissed adult in a tshirt walking home in pouring rain with no coat, no reflective items, no phone on a main bloody road. Literally on the road too the police said he was stumbling on to the grass when cars came past then back down on to the road.

Would you like to apologise now and admit you haven't even read op's posts?

You're right to be worried, right to be upset and right to be angry. Nothing wrong with checking find my friends when you're worried he hasn't come home...I would do the same if it was out of character.

He will be suffering today and you won't get through to him if he had so much last night. Go out or visit a friend for a few hours and then tell him how worried you were that you could have lost him. Maybe wait until tomorrow to have a long chat about it.

Take care 💐