Husband just bought home by police. Furious

[yellowelli]

Husband went on an admittedly very rare night out tonight, first in years. He pre booked a taxi for 1am. It got to 1.45 and I was expecting him home, so I was awake anxious. Tried to text him and he didn't open them but kept going online on WhatsApp so was obviously ignoring me. Got to 2 I tried to phone and didn't answer. Could see on find my friends he was in a night club. Find my friends stopped updating his location shortly after now I know his phone had died. Apparently at some point he decided to walk home, we live a 40 minute drive away, so obviously wasn't going to happen. Police found him staggering alongside a main road. With no phone, no coat, in terrible driving conditions, absolute pouring rain. They couldn't get any sense out of him about where he lived he just kept saying if I walk straight I'll end up home. He's the most drunk I've ever seen him. They got his address of his license and I've never felt more bloody embarrassed than answering the door to two police man and a soaking, crying husband while very obviously pregnant. I'm so angry. He doesn't go out ever, I don't resent him letting loose or whatever but for a man in his fourties, with a toddler and a baby on the way, with a wife and two bloody kids to be so irresponsible to attempt to walk in such dangerous conditions on a dangerous road?! It's staggering?! He could of died and I'm so angry about it. He's snoring next to me now and I'm seething

There were posts along the lines of why does he go out so little, you sound controlling, no wonder he took it too far. That is blaming a women for a mans actions

I think far more women on mumsnet need to hold men accountable for their actions rather than finding a way to make their actions the fault of their controlling/anxious/hard work wives

You say I am infantilising him rather than you, because I contacted him and checked where he was once he didn't arrive home. Yet in the same breath that I'm told how controlling that is because he is a grown man, I'm also blamed for him not going clubbing more often, because a forty year old man would never make that decision off his own back. It must be the nasty wife
@yellowelli I completely agree with you. The double standards on MN are ridiculous, considering it’s a forum for supporting women it is also a poisonous chalice if you dare to express an opinion differing to the most vociferous posters.
I too would have been very annoyed and disappointed if that were my DH, but then I am older than most on here and have different standards and expectations due to life experiences.

@TristesseDurera
“Old man” isn’t he in his forties?? Since when is that old?!

@BuffyFanForever

To be fair he probably really isn’t used to drinking in quantities and just went abit to far. You said yourself he doesn’t do it often. He was trying to get home it’s not like he was trying to get somewhere else is it! He made an error of judgement but don’t be too harsh.

I agree

Clearly all of women are saints who have never drunk alcohol behind your limits, never misjudged your limits and drank a bit more than you could tolerate, never had the alcohol hit you a bit harder than it usually would for whatever reason, never made a bit of a fool of yourself and never behaved a little recklessly whilst under the influence.

Thing is I’m sure you have. So it’s not double standards.

@TristesseDurera I did read it, cheers. It can all be distilled down to my comment.

Yes,the police brought him home but they didn't have to. He was walking home. They did him a favour and made sure he got home safe, fair play. That's it. That's all that happened.

This is a person who has been out for the first time in years, and has his wife at home checking his exact location on her phone. Mad in my opinion. But I guess we all live different lives.

He's caught me at McDonald's a few times on there and made a joke about it. Suppose that's controlling to.

Yes it is. Controlling and weird.

I would give him a right bollocking (sod pandering to him with aspirin and water, he is not a kid) for being such an idiot and then let it go. If it happened again though...

@LuckySantangelo35

Clearly all of women are saints who have never drunk alcohol behind your limits, never misjudged your limits and drank a bit more than you could tolerate, never had the alcohol hit you a bit harder than it usually would for whatever reason, never made a bit of a fool of yourself and never behaved a little recklessly whilst under the influence.

Thing is I’m sure you have. So it’s not double standards.

I have absolutely done that. But I have never lost all my stuff and been brought home by the police. I would suggest that's a peculiarly male thing that so many on here think is absolutely normal.

See also pissing the bed

Hope you can talk to him and find out a bit more OP and God the record, I totally support your views on the way the forum is going. It's so combative now. And it's always hit and miss if even the most benign of threads will have aggressive or dismissive posts from bullish people on. I dont think you sound controlling at all, and your husband did objectively do something stupid and dangerous , so much so that the police thought it too!! I'd be fuming as well.

Morning OP,

You're absolutely fine to be angry. You were worried about him and are worried about him. You're being reasonable about your feelings (many replies, on both sides, aren't).

I hope that he wakes up embarrassed and apologetic and understands how his actions affected you and could have affected you. And I hope he vows to be more careful with drinking in future.

Decent people fuck up. It's their reaction that matters.

I sympathise with the OP. its the "What if" scenario, I have been married for 40 years + and in that time something similar has happened about 4 times. The last time he ended up in the local hospital as he fell off his bicycle and was luckily found unconcious in a country lane by a group of teenagers, he could have so easily been run over! Of course loads of people thought it was hilarious, drunk, fallen off a bike etc, etc,
However, when all the hilarity had died down I explained very carefully, that I didn't think that over indulging at his age was a good idea, and he has probably lost his tolerance of alcohol over all the years, the fact that he could have died or been left severely disabled would have had catastrophic effects on his family.
Whether male of female, any age, it is not a good idea for your own well being to get so off your skull drunk you lose all sense of judgment with regards to your behaviour.

@avamiah

Firstly I’d like to say that i don’t wish to offend OP but I have literally just laughed out loud after reading how her husband told the police that if he walks straight he will end up home.hahaha

No harm was done and he got home safe and at the end of the day he was spotted by the police who of course had a duty of care to stop and check he was ok and after finding his address from his licence took him home.

Everything ended well .

I found this pretty funny too😂

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

It really is. Why would you want someone to be able to see where you are at all times ? And why would you look?

You lost my sympathy when you mentioned you've an app to check where he is to be honest. If he had done that to you, people would be shouting 'Red Flag, LTB'.

a man in his 40s who rarely gets a night out. I can see why now. Takes himself off to a nightclub to let loose for a few hours of freedom, while being spied on through an app, and risking facing the wrath when he gets home. He probably drank a bit too much, because he doesn't go out much therefore hasn't the tolerance. As for where he went, he wasn't in a bloody strip club and you don't own him anyway ffs, I know plenty of men in their 40s who go to nightclubs.

On a positive note, he was attempting to get home. Drunk logic didn't present the best solution but drunk logic never does.

A healthy amount of piss taking and the Proclaimers 500 miles at a good volume is punishment enough. The hangover from hell will do the rest.

@UsernameInTheTown

Don't stuck pigs bleed, not snore?

They squeal, don't they?

@AndAsIfByMagic

He sounds foul, OP.

I don't think I could get past that. Drunks are very unattractive.

One night. He isn't sitting on the sofa drunk every night. He went out. Got drunk. Presumably Op only had to deal with him being drunk for a few minutes for him to get to bed. Of course being drunk isn't attractive but I'm amazed at how little it takes for some women to walk out of their marriage.

Divorced because he got drunk once and you don't find that attractive and his sole mission at all times is to be attractive to you?

Cripes. Your anger is absolutely palpable. You say his behaviour is totally out of character, yet you're furious. Can't you show him a bit of kindness? Yes, he's been an idiot, but there's no malice. Do you have to judge him so harshly for one mistake? I find the pile-on mentality here draining.

MissNothing1991

Do you know the purpose of find my friends app? You have to deliberately give permission to share your location. She's not stalking him! He's shared with her.

Other than getting rat arsed he hasn't actually done anything. If he'd got into a fight or something you'd have had a point...... But he didn't.

Leave him to sleep it off, you said yourself he never goes out. So it's unlikely that he won't learn his lesson when he wakes up with the hangover from hell and he's even less likely to repeat it.

@yellowelli
I don't think your controlling at all, my dp goes out once in a blue moon for a catch up with his mates, he's going out today and I know how he will end up lol, I'm off work and would love a few myself but u know what I won't cause if my dp can't get a taxi he will start walking so I stay off it to pick him up and make sure he gets home safe bad partner I am for controlling him like that.

I'm a worrier in things like that to you do what you have to do and don't worry what anyone else thinks.

That is terrible, such poor decision making. Was be totally out on his own or did he have friends? They've also failed if they were with him,.not to get him a taxi home. I've read all OPs posts but not responses, and I gather the bitches are out in force on here, but that is a truly sobering incident and I think you need to see how much he remembers and is remorseful today before proceeding.

40 year old man going to a club is enough to give me the ick tbh, I remember going in my late 20's and feeling old compared to everyone else. I stopped behaving like this at 25 but that seems to be unusual on MN where people seem to think everyone should be entitled to get completely shit faced when they go out - I dunno maybe it's just that they're all under 25.

Id be pissed off about it, but if he never goes out usually he clearly tried to keep up with people with higher alcohol tolerance. Hes lucky to be ok. Shame his mates allowed that to happen and for him to leave in that state. Glad he waa brought home safely

It's a horrible and humiliating experience for you and will undoubtedly be for him too. He's lucky that the police were there to pick him up. He owes them an apology, a thank you letter and a tin of chocolates. He owes you a grovelling apology and a relaxing weekend off from childcare. Thankfully your toddler will be none the wiser.