The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

have no idea how you can deny minimising… one poster actually described the affair as a fling. Many have told him he should be ‘over it by now’. That’s minimising.

And many posters on this thread have implied he is to blame for not paying her enough attention even though that’s narrative was only given by her AFTER the affair. That is blameshifting.

If you read any of my posts you’d see I totally agree about affairs happening for many reasons. But they’re always the wrong choice, and they are never something as trivial as a ‘mistake’.

Two people in a marriage are responsible for making it work. OP admitted he neglected his wife, to believe that’s irrelevant is wrong. This is what a counsellor does, they pinpoint why these things happen, they don’t pin blame on anyone, they highlight situations that may have led to poor choices. Of course it’s not the OP fault that his wife chose to start the affair, I’m just explaining situations that lead to these things happening.

Your words and just a few hours ago.

‘She made a mistake by not being open and honest but you also made a mistake by neglecting your wife. If 1 year has passed and there has been no progress in dealing with the affair and you are still where you were, then no amount of counselling or questions are going to resolve this.’

Sounds like you did blame him you did minimise AND you don’t even think counselling will work, despite now bleating about it. I’m really done on this thread. I just hope the OP has found empathy on a forum more suited for him.

@Sofacouchboredom

Your words and just a few hours ago.

‘She made a mistake by not being open and honest but you also made a mistake by neglecting your wife. If 1 year has passed and there has been no progress in dealing with the affair and you are still where you were, then no amount of counselling or questions are going to resolve this.’

Sounds like you did blame him you did minimise AND you don’t even think counselling will work, despite now bleating about it. I’m really done on this thread. I just hope the OP has found empathy on a forum more suited for him.

How is that blaming him, I said you made a mistake by neglecting your wife (he admitted it) I didn’t blame him for the affair, I highlighted the situation that could have led his wife to have the affair. It is not a blame game, it’s understanding why certain things happened and why she made the poor choice to have an affair. This is exactly what a counsellor will do. I wasn’t minimising the pain it’s caused but being realistic, some people can overcome affairs, others can’t and if this is causing continuous pain and upset for OP then he needs to question whether this is something he can continue throughout his marriage. If you don’t agree with me that’s fine, you can scroll on past, you know.

So sorry for this turmoil you are going through. I read your posts and the vibe I am getting from you is that you are so afraid. From what you have written, I don’t think for a second your wife loved this other guy. You said that you think you were neglecting her a bit. I think during this period the other guy came along and made her feel SEEN. I think that she probably really didn’t love him, but she really liked how he made her feel for those two months. Im not blaming you because the onus was on HER to communicate those feelings to you and give you both the opportunity to move forward together. She did a really shitty thing breaking your trust like that. However, it sounds like she is totally committed to you.

I think you are badgering her with questions because you’re so afraid of her having feelings for him, that you are trying to push her to say it so that you can get it all over and done with and feel the pain and be finished.

I wouldn’t excuse her behaviour for a second. I believe it’s so so wrong to cheat on a partner. However I think I can see how it would happen. I think that element of being neglected or maybe taken for granted for want of a better term, is something that many women struggle with in long term relationships. Women are socialised to please others so Many women don’t tell their partners that they are feeling this way either so their Partners think everything is awesome when it isn’t.

The op doesn't need a councillor to understand why his wife cheated on him, he needs one to help him cope with her betrayal and pain she inflicted on him and his future choices.

It sounds as though some people who have affairs pay councillors to absorb their guilt.

The op said his wife told him he was neglecting her, well that's all relative to what she expects. He doesn't entirely sound like the type who doesn't acknowledge his wife.

I mean I've seen numerous types of men in MN.....

The type that comes on specifically to argue with women who hate having consequences inflicted on them, they hate women who have any kind of power, choice, or even opinion.

The type that pick up on any sexual conversation hoping for a cheap thrill.

The type that post an inordinately long post of how awful and crazy their wife is, therefor they are justified in leaving them (for the ow, who they never admit to having)
Even better if someone views that post and they are seen as to be saving or trying to save the relationship. All an act, re writting history and testing out the new narrative.

And the type that genuinely are heartbroken by their wifes betrayal and are searching on the internet for any means possible to overcome the pain. I would say most men if they are guinuinly the neglectful type of husband wouldn't be tapping away on MN hoping for some devine answer.

Most really neglectful men don't even notice when their wives have checked out.
He sounds utterly hearbroken and bereft to me.

You have to put it behind you. Ask your counsellor why you find this so difficult. Your wife has told you all there is to tell - several hundred times from the sound of things. It does your children no good at all to grow up in this atmosphere.

@SparklingStars10

have no idea how you can deny minimising… one poster actually described the affair as a fling. Many have told him he should be ‘over it by now’. That’s minimising.

And many posters on this thread have implied he is to blame for not paying her enough attention even though that’s narrative was only given by her AFTER the affair. That is blameshifting.

If you read any of my posts you’d see I totally agree about affairs happening for many reasons. But they’re always the wrong choice, and they are never something as trivial as a ‘mistake’.

Two people in a marriage are responsible for making it work. OP admitted he neglected his wife, to believe that’s irrelevant is wrong. This is what a counsellor does, they pinpoint why these things happen, they don’t pin blame on anyone, they highlight situations that may have led to poor choices. Of course it’s not the OP fault that his wife chose to start the affair, I’m just explaining situations that lead to these things happening.

I'm one of those who called it a fling. If someone posted here about exactly the same relationship they'd had for eight weeks with a single man who was 'pulling away' they'd be told that chatting for an hour every day and the odd meet up wasn't that serious after such a short time.

My DH had an affair in 2019 and although I think of it often, it doesn't preoccupy me how it did once. This is mainly because he has allowed my feelings to play out over the years, and always validated them. He also, eventually, totally changed himself and how he behaves and reacts to things. I would say that now our relationship is better than it was before, and in some ways I'm glad he had an affair as we built a new marital relationship that is a lot better than it was before.

There will always be a sadness that our union has been tainted. That the vows were broken and that it's not "pure" any more. Also I doubt I would ever fully trust him again. It is these things that make me sad. But not sad enough to end my, now very loving and supportive, marriage to him.

It might be that you are suffering from PTSD brought on by the infidelity. Just because you feel like this a year on doesn’t mean you’ll never be able to move forward, you might still understandably be in defensive and self-protective mode. Google ‘Infidelity PTSD’ and see if you recognise yourself amongst the list of symptoms. Not being able to deal with something on your life might be a sign that it’s time to stop and walk away, or sometimes that it’s affected your mental health and you just need help dealing with it.
Past relationships/ childhood/attachment styles and issues all affect how we deal with betrayal. For some it’s just a deal breaker and that’s fine, but for others who really want to move forward in their relationship but get stuck, and end up flip-flopping between stay/leave or just plain torturing themselves to find ‘answers’ might need the help of a therapist to find out whether or not their damaged mental health is clouding the issue. Therapy might help you discover the truth under the hurt as to how to move forward, together or apart.
It’s too big for a bunch of randoms to deal with for you, MN is just a collection of opinions and suggestions which you will (we all do this) pass through your own filters to one extent or another. Some comments may trigger you and make you feel worse, and just because they trigger you doesn’t mean they’re necessarily right, they just pressed a button about your worst imagined fears and played into your anxiety.
Read what we all say but none of us are Buddha, or you, or in your exact situation with full knowledge of your relationship and history.
All situations are different and you want a quick fix to the pain, “somebody tell me how to fix this” or answer your worst fear: “somebody tell me if she really liked him.”
Nobody here can answer either question OP. Just advice from their perspective which is not yours.
Glean what you can then find yourself a counsellor where someone who knows their stuff will listen with no judgment and guide you to find your truth for yourself. You’ll know when it’s right.
Good luck X

First of all, thank you everyone once again.

I have read every single comment and taken every valuable response on board.

I would just like to say in my defence that my wife said that I had not given her much time. But I sort of disagree. I would like to say that I was always there for my wife. I do see, at times, looking back. I would get home from work and not really speak with my wife and then go and talk with the kids. This must have happened a hand full of times. But the rest of the time my wife even admits we had a good life. I believe I was there for her. but she looked past me, she didn't see me and she moved on to someone new.

I think she had seen an opportunity. It was now or never. She has known the guy for the past 14 years. It’s not someone new. He was married to someone she would call a friend and talk to at the school gates.

Even the afternoon of the night she told me I kissed her and told her I loved her. The day before DDAY, we walked around in the supermarket arm in arm. Does that really sound like I neglected her.

I admit there are times I could have taken more notice. But I was always there for her and I thought she was there for me.

I would like to say I love my wife, so much and I will do whatever I can to try and fix this with her help. I know I'm not going about this the right way and I'm making things worse. But I'm struggling. Things are so much better than they were a year ago, but the questions still feel un answered and there seems to be gaping holes in the story.

She hasn't really sat me down and told me start to finish about what exactly went on. She has given me bits here and there. I have asked her to do this but she just says you know everything there is nothing to tell. Then some things she will just say she doesn’t remember it was so long ago. She will say that some things she just doesn’t remember as it’s like she was someone else and she was looking in and cant explain it.

May be I'm trying to torture myself. May be unless she says something that will hurt me or something that matches what’s in my mind I won’t believe her.

I do agree with everyone. It does have to stop somewhere. But I don't want to walk away and I don’t know how to stop, accept or even where to start. I’m not being a martyr , I just love my wife and my kids and there is nothing I wouldn't do to try and fix this.

I know I'm 50% of this marriage and even though the affair was 100% her fault I did play a part in this mess.

We are now coming up to a year when the affair started. I keep thinking she will be thinking “this time last year”. “This time last year” she kissed him, “this time last year” she slept with him.

She knows and remembers the date of when she kissed him as it was a particular family birthday. So she says she remembers it because of that. But who knows.

And for everyone that said I’m scared. I am, I’m scared of letting my guard down and her doing it again. I’m scared that she will continue contact with him and I’m scared that she misses him and what she had. ( but something inside also thinks she wouldn’t because she can see what mess this has caused )

I feel I’m no longer good enough and no longer what she wants. He give her everything she wanted and now she has decided to stick with me. She says it’s because she loves me and she does do everything she can to prove to that. But I just feel so let down.

Its destroyed me, my heart is broken and I want to save my family and my marriage.

I’m not doing all this because I want to punish my wife. I just want some answers that I can move on from and give me some closure. I post here to get some advice and try and see it from the other side a fresh pair of eyes and people that are not living it. But mainly I’m looking for people that have been where I am right now. That have lived it and come through it. Just to tell me I’m not going mad. Because one thing I do know is that if I could ever help someone in my situation in the future it means the whole thing hasn’t been a complete waste of time, a waste of a relationship and just wrecked lives.

It’s just is she as committed as I am. Because she wasn't "this time last year"

OP, this is an extremely toxic way to exist.

Learning more details is not going to appease your obsession.

Maybe you need to find a different counselor and double down on therapy. I have to say this obsession is going to drive your wife away no matter how contrite she is. I would not want to be flagellated with a brief affair a year after it happened.

If you cannot focus on what you DO have, and on a happy future instead of a brief past stumble, what exactly are you in the relationship for?

Your post is so raw I really feel for you OP. You have described the searing pain and confusion of a betrayal perfectly.
I’ve been there, I’m still with my husband who had an affair. I get triggers on occasions which I do my best to deal with, with greater or lesser success sometimes. DDay ‘anniversaries’ or the ‘anniversaries’ of when you know they first got together are painful to say the least.
It does get better, but you do need full disclosure from her. At present she won’t give it, so give this aspect of it a time out, but not forever, she doesn’t get to kick this into the long grass.
You need some help. Please look at the affair recovery/ reconciliation websites, far more helpful than MN. Google will tell you where they are. Psychology Today has helpful articles about infidelity and lying/betrayal of you enter those terms into their search. Amazon is full of helpful books.
You both can’t just wait this out or stay stuck waiting for the full story. It’s your right to get it, negotiate when this will happen to find a way out of the impasse. It’s unfair, but if you’re staying you need a mutual way forward.
You’re not going crazy, and you certainly don’t need to justify how you treated your wife here, we could all be more attentive and loving on our relationships on any given day. None of this is an affair excuse. Ever.
If you don’t find out more about affairs and infidelity through a counsellor or reading/ listening to podcasts, you’ll stay stuck. Work required here on both sides. Educate yourself, you’re not crazy, the way you feel/obsess/ act and the way your mood swings from one side to the other is normal in these circumstances, look it up and you’ll find yourself on every page. This is how humans react to betrayal, it triggers fight or flight. You’ve chosen to fight, not flee. Now arm yourself with the tools to do so. There is no magic bullet or answer here, just support and suggestions. Take care. X

Betrayal is ptsd - and being unsure of what is lies or truth or being unable to trust or believe your narrative or anothers is entirely symptomatic
vm.tiktok.com/ZMLmJQUyn/

From what I can see op, you seem to be still blaming yourself for her affair, or partly.

The relationship is a separate issue, yes both partners take equal responsibility for it but if there were problems she should have told you, it was her choice, the affair is not your fault.

I don't believe in your case there was a huge ploblem, it was probably all to do with her ego, I do think some people when they are confidenced up by their partner can take advantage of that.

I'm sure she realises how much you love and adore her, she obviously feels secure in your love but that was not enough and she acted sefishly wanting more.

Now I actually believe some betrayers really do not undertand the hurt they have inflicted, not until they too have felt the fear of loss and betrayal would they understand, not that I think you should act in the same manner as her.
Maybe your trauma is wrapped up in trying to get her to understand your pain, if she understands it fully enough then she could see how much you are trying?

Couples councelling could help her understand better and take more responsibility for what happened. At present there have been no consequenses and in all injustices there has to be consequenses for someone to learn from mistakes.

It will take time you are obviously an analytical person, who reflects deeply on things, that is not something you can change but to understand your healing may take longer is a first step to taking some control back.
Acknowledge the pain, ride through it and try to minimise the ammount of talk each day about the affair, yes you will think of it each day but try to not voice it.

Doing activities to relace the memories will help, book a holiday, day trips, family time actually being elsewhere from the locality of where the affair was.

New memories need to replace the old.

You have to re wire the brain, sometimes the signals can keep going over and over in the same path route, much like OCD. You have PTSD and maybe a course with EMDR may help re boot the brain., for some it works for others not, but it maybe worth a try.

Good luck

Honestly, you keep saying the same thing over and over and over. You want 'the truth' about her feelings, you want dates & times & 'activities', you aren't 'punishing' her, you want to 'move forward', etc etc. And yet you are doing NOTHING to actually move forward.

Go. Get. Counseling. It is obvious that you are NOT equipped to deal with this on your own, you need professional guidance and expertise. If you refuse to do this, then you are actually getting something out of the way you are treating her and making yourself into a martyr to boot. Stop it, grow up, and get help!

@AcrossthePond55

You make it sound so easy. Nice sitting up there on your high horse is it.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but for you to say I'm doing nothing at all to move forward is completely untrue and unfair

Just so you know. I'm doing everything to move forward. I am in Counselling

Im working so hard every single day and for you to say that I'm making myself a martyr is complete Bo!!@cks !!!

Im not equipped to deal with your right. Im don't have a clue and i dont have the answers. But what I will tell you is i'm not getting anything out of this by your so called punishing her. Im not punishing my wife.

How dare you tell me to grow up and get help.

You clearly don't have a clue. Come from a long line of infidelity do you? Have you been there done that and know how it feels?

I cant believe that you told me to grow up.

Thanks for the advice but I totally disagree with what you have said.

Yes I understand I need to stop asking the questions, yes I will end up pushing her away and yes I take responsibility for my half of the issues. But I'm not enjoying this.

I just hope that you don't have to go through anything like this one day. But with your great advice, if it was to happen to you, you would easily be able to brush it under the carpet and tell yourself to grow up and move on

Come from a long line of infidelity do you? Have you been there done that and know how it feels?

I think this is the root of the problem and the issue you need to explore in depth with your counsellor.

The fact is if your marriage had been happy the "affair" wouldn't have happened. Relentlessly bombarding your wife with irrelevant questions is more likely to push her away than to build a solid foundation on which to move forward.

@barclay20q

You have no idea what I've gone through in my life. But I know that you have to move forward in order to move past it. You don't 'brush it under the carpet', you deal with it. And yes, I've had to tell myself to grow up and move on in very difficult circumstances. And each time it took close to two years and a lot of hard work, work on myself. Although other people may have caused it, if I wanted to heal I had to do it myself, for myself.

If you are in counseling, great. You never said or I missed it.

@AcrossthePond55

Your right, im sorry if dont have any idea what you have been through. But i do understand what your saying that i have to move forward in order to move past it.

You say about brushing it under the carpet and thats what i feel my wife is doing. She had the fun now i am doing the pain and she wants it gone as soon as she can. Either so she doesn't have to watch my pain or because she is missing him or may be even both.

Im stuck. Its lonely and no one can help. I can only do this on my own but i don't know how.

I keep telling myself its only been a year. To me its like yesterday but may be to her a year is a long time.

I want to heal i want to move past this i just don't know how.

My counsellor just doesn't seem to do anything apart from listen. Every week its the same thing. No direction, no input just me going on and on and you know how that feels.

So i don't know. I have never been to counselling before so may be thats what happens, but it doesn't seem to be helping

[quote SparklingStars10]@Onthedunes We will have to agree to disagree here. Again not everything is black and white. I know a lady who had an affair, she was extremely unhappy in her relationship, both her and her husband had debts, she could not leave the marital home, he was neglectful to her emotional/mental health, he often called her names. She met someone who was able to give her what she needed, she isn’t a cruel person, in fact she is the most selfless person I know, she was a woman in a relationship who was denied the most basic fundamentals of a marriage. The affair helped her understand how unhealthy her marriage was, they are still together after many years.[/quote]
Totally agree with this. You never know what is going on in a marriage.

You cannot heal in a vacuum @barclay20q, what is your wife doing to become a safe partner? What is she reading, listening to, watching? What is she doing for you?

OP you don’t need to grow up nor are you making yourself a martyr. You’re taking action and have tried to get help. The repetitive questions are normal and you do need answers to help process what you went through. You can’t get through or process or forgive something if you don’t know fully what it is.
Again, never on MN have I seen a betrayed woman spoken to in terms like these. This has nothing to do with not being grown up or playing the victim. All you can do is get help to help you move on and you’ve done that.
You are traumatised, it’s clear. If your counsellor appears to be taking their money to be a shoulder to cry on, get another. They should be listening, yes, but then gently explaining why you feel the way you feel, explaining what happens with betrayal and giving you coping strategies at the very least. Maybe get a new one who knows about infidelity counselling and PTSD.

You either have to decide to put it in the past or choose to leave tbh. Maybe some therapy might help?

But at the end of the day if you can't forgive and move on then your marriage is over.

Sorry didn't realise this thread was old

[quote barclay20q]@AcrossthePond55

Your right, im sorry if dont have any idea what you have been through. But i do understand what your saying that i have to move forward in order to move past it.

You say about brushing it under the carpet and thats what i feel my wife is doing. She had the fun now i am doing the pain and she wants it gone as soon as she can. Either so she doesn't have to watch my pain or because she is missing him or may be even both.

Im stuck. Its lonely and no one can help. I can only do this on my own but i don't know how.

I keep telling myself its only been a year. To me its like yesterday but may be to her a year is a long time.

I want to heal i want to move past this i just don't know how.

My counsellor just doesn't seem to do anything apart from listen. Every week its the same thing. No direction, no input just me going on and on and you know how that feels.

So i don't know. I have never been to counselling before so may be thats what happens, but it doesn't seem to be helping[/quote]
She may very well be brushing it under the carpet. But one of the main things I learnt is that I can only be responsible for my own feelings and actions and not to depend on someone else having to do or say a certain thing in order for me to solve my problem. Even if what the other person is doing is wrong/shirking their responsibilities, for me to 'waste time' (for lack of a better term) fretting about what they should be doing or are not doing is counterproductive to my own recovery.

And your primary concern now should be just that. Your recovery regardless of where the relationship ends up down the road and regardless of what she does or says. Because your recovery can only be done by you and you alone, not dependent on you 'needing' her to say or do anything. There's an old Woody Guthrie song that says "You gotta walk this lonesome valley, nobody else can walk it for you, you gotta walk it by yourself". And that's where you are. You're walking that lonesome valley, and you do have to walk it by yourself, with help from your counselor.

As far as counselors go, a good counselor doesn't tell you what to do. They serve more as a sounding board and mirror for our thoughts and feelings. They know the questions to ask to bring things out of you, even if it's only "And how does/did that make you feel?". God, did I hate to hear that! But although we can't see what they're doing, gradually they are able to reflect things back to you until you come to the place where you can answer your own questions and figure your 'right' course of action. Their expertise is helping you realize your options, not telling you what to do. Even if a counselor can see clear as day what you should do, they want YOU to arrive at that destination for yourself. You have to, for it to have any validity for you. Because only that self-validation can keep you on course in the action you've chosen. So many times we realize that the right thing for us to do is not actually what we want to do. If we don't believe in it and ourselves 1000%, we will not keep to our self-promises.

If the counseling doesn't seem to be helping and it's been awhile, it could be that you still aren't in the right place emotionally to see clearly or that you see the right course of action, you just don't want to accept it. And, yes, occasionally a counselor doesn't 'fit' us. I had that happen to me and I ended up changing counselors because it just wasn't the right fit for me and the place I was in mentally at the time. I don't know how long you've been with your counselor, but if you feel that you are truly putting in the work and the self-honesty and not moving forward, you should be able to discuss that with them, openly and honestly in a two way dialogue where you are willing to listen as well as to be heard.

I think you'll get wherever you're supposed to be going eventually. You obviously want to be happy and at peace. You just have to keep your mind open to your possibilities, all of them, until you find the right one.