The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

You can both fight for your relationship but it has to be better if you get me? If you both fall in to old complacencies it's just a matter of time before it happens again sadly. I have to say I'm sooo much happier the other side of my ex's affair it gave me a chance at a happy life. One that I never had before when I was with him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, there is no right way or wrong way and your feelings are not wrong.

I cannot fathom staying after an affair but like you say, you never know till it's happened to you.

Perhaps give yourself a deadline - 3 years perhaps, look after yourself, jaunting some independence, have a 'loose' escape plan and then just wait and see how you feel.

If you simply can't get over this or if somehow she let's you down again then you have a plan in place and you won't feel helpless or unprepared.

You are silently taking the power back.

Jaunting? *maintaining

Read your updates - go to reddit - there is a subreddit called asoneafterinfidelity

As it’s name suggests it is for couples trying to reconcile after infidelity

You will find a term used there: “rug sweeping” - that is what your wife is doing. The reason you can’t move forward is because you don’t have the whole story - your wife hasn’t forgotten, she just wants to put this behind herself - but that doesn’t help you does it ?

Get her to write you a letter with a full timeline - no gaps - and give it to (they explain it better on asoneafterinfidelity)

He give her everything she wanted

NO HE DIDN'T! Not in an 8 week fling.

@Calandor

Sorry didn't realise this thread was old

Is a thread that is 10 days old actually old?

Just wanted to give my advice on this, although it’s probably what most have said. I’ve read most of the thread.

I’ve never been through anything as serious as this. I’ve been cheated on though and I think what stands out to me when somebody is willing to forgive infidelity, is that said person has to forgive, work IMMENSELY on themselves and their healing, as well as carry the burden of broken trust. However, the ‘cheater’ most likely has guilt and perhaps regret probably regret in most cases if they want to fix it but it doesn’t compare to the absolute pain and mental torture to the opposing partner.

This is why I personally could not forgive. I would be so resentful that my mental health and outlook on my life changed and there’s only changed a little most likely.

Now, at this point, you shouldn’t at all feel silly or dramatic for feeling this pain a year on. This pain she caused will take a while to heal from. If I were you, I’d feel the same. I’d be picking apart every single detail and most likely turn into an interrogation officer.

Quite frankly, I couldn’t do it. But if you want to, there’s NO shame in it. However I feel like at this point, questions won’t help you anymore. Now it’s about YOU. YOU deserve to be happy. YOU deserve to heal.

Stand in front of the mirror everyday and remind yourself you are a good husband and a good father and a GOOD man. Her actions do not define you.

Biggest cliche ever but work on you. Walk, write, draw, take the kids out ( without her now and then), run, find a hobby and throw yourself into being the best version of you. Easy on paper I know but my god will it help. She does not define you or complete you. Find a counsellor that works for you if this one isn’t working. Focus on you as a person.

She’s ruined your trust and your self love. Life is way too short for that. At this point, working on this marriage starts with you. Bsh*t I know, why should you have to put in all of this effort for what she did? That’s sadly, part of the package of the road for recovery but it will end in you being mentally stronger, so look at that silver lining of this hard work. I’d that makes sense! Of course, if you want to make it work, incorporate you and her and I’m not saying detach yourself but I feel you need to remind yourself that if one day, you decide you can’t do this, you know you’ll be ok.

I know you want this to work and that’s OK. Nothing wrong in that. You decide your choices, not me or anyone else. But do not ruin your mental health for it.

This isn’t about ‘ showing her youre worthy’ as she knows that anyway and quite frankly, you don’t owe her that, she’s owes you that. But the minute you begin to love you and remind yourself YOU are in control of your life, the more at peace you will feel.

She effed up massively. She did the worst. She liked the thrill, like a teenager drinking a bottle of vodka and not thinking about the consequences when they face their parents.
You are better than him. You’re worthy. She made some awful mistakes over and over. Why she chose that, is hard to comprehend. Yes she liked the thrill. But is that real happiness? Sneaking around for 8 weeks? Pointless affair? Silly highs and boy, massive lows now!

YOU and her are MORE. You are REAL love. Laughs, fights, intimacy, sharing life experiences, emotional intimacy, history and well, respect and trust l. The latter, she has betrayed. Sounds like she wants to change that and heal that.

I think she’s genuinely sorry. I think she probably can’t fully explain why she did it. A bit like a teeenager who can’t explain why they thought it’d be ok to stay out all night and drink in the park , knowing they’d probably be caught.

There’s no excuse. But I tell you want to make this work. I won’t sit and say ‘ leave’ just because I would. We as humans cope differently and some people genuinely recover. That affair was nothing compared to you and her.

You can do this, whatever road you take. You are clearly a loving man. Yes you are becoming relentless and obsessed but Christ, who probably wouldn’t ! This is the biggest challenge many face. Don’t be ashamed of how you are coping. But please start working on YOU. :)

I hope this helps. This isn’t forever, whatever you choose

X

@Daisydoo99

Thank you for your kind words. I have taken on board every word you have said. As you said, its easier said than done. As at the moment i don't see myself as having any worth really. But I'm trying. I just hope with time things do get better.

Thanks again for the words of comfort.

No problem at all. It’s so sad that she’s done this to you. How are you feeling since you first posted? Do you feel you can work through it more/ or feeling worse?

@Daisydoo99

We had a good weekend. Things are sort of ok. But the fact is, its always there. Waiting in the back of my mind to pounce. When i think things are ok it pops up and reminds me of exactly what she has done.

She keeps saying I haven't lost my family and we are still together but so much has changed.

For her, the family hasn’t been lost and you’re together but unfortunately for you, so much as changed mentally and you’re fighting a battle of mental strength. She needs to know that.

You may be struggling during nice times as you may be thinking ‘right, so, everything is back to normal is it? You’ve got away with it yes?’ Which is a very normal response to have.

Ultimately, everything is tainted for you. She needs to remember the severity of what she’s done and the reality that it has created. She most likely wants it to all go away. In her head, she’s thinking probably, ‘ I know in my heart it was a fling and I’m sorry.’ But what she did was the worst to do in a relationship ( well not the extreme worst e.g. abuse but you know what I mean). She needs to accept that this has impacted you hugely. The relationship you both had has changed now to a new one .

Maybe a trial seperation would be an idea? Time for you to have even just a week or two away?
.

It’s so sad that this happens to people. A 2 month fling wasn’t worth this but what’s done is done and she made her bed and has to lie in it now

@barclay20q

Rule number 1
If you forgive an affair it's the go-ahead for them to do it again!
Be kind to yourself she'll do it again

@worriedaboutmoney2022

Surely not every one does it again. There has to be exceptions doesn't there? Or am I just being stupid and hoping for the best which may be exactly what got me into this mess.

@Daisydoo99

You are right. For her not much has changed. She still has her family, she still has her house, etc.

For me its all different. I keep thinking there is 3 of us in this relationship. She says not to think that as its just us. But when i look at her im just reminded of them

[quote barclay20q]@worriedaboutmoney2022

Surely not every one does it again. There has to be exceptions doesn't there? Or am I just being stupid and hoping for the best which may be exactly what got me into this mess.[/quote]
I just think from personal experience and from other friends too this is often the case
She's lost nothing she's got you and the family and her home
You're now always going to be left wondering

Not a position I'd put myself in you sound like your very upset and nobody deserves that. X

[quote barclay20q]@Daisydoo99

You are right. For her not much has changed. She still has her family, she still has her house, etc.

For me its all different. I keep thinking there is 3 of us in this relationship. She says not to think that as its just us. But when i look at her im just reminded of them[/quote]
And if you look at her and think of him I couldn't live like that either.

@barclay20q no, not everybody does it again. Of course not. Some do, but not all. I know 3 couples in very long marriages where there was a one-off affair years ago and no cheating since. They fucked up their lives massively and were all more than grateful for a second chance. Infidelity is far behind them now. Not everyone is a serial cheat just waiting for the chance to do it again. They do exist, of course, but you know your wife better than anyone here, you are the only one who can gauge her response and her efforts to put this right. Nobody here can say for certain that she will or won’t do this again. There are no guarantees either way. Every married person or person in a relationship on here lives with the reality of a degree of uncertainty every day, because being in a relationship is a decision, being faithful to our partners is a decision, and we trust that our partners will stick to that commitment as we do, but we only have trust, never, ever certainty. I made that mistake, I was so certain. I never had certainty, only trust. It’s all any of us actually have, whether we like it or not.
As Daisydoo says brilliantly, work on yourself, it will do wonders for you. Decide what you can actually control in this situation and what you can’t. You can’t control her behaviour, no matter how much you want to, that’s her responsibility, so try to let go any worries about her mindset. You can neither know it or change it.
If she is sincerely trying hard, is remorseful and shows it, and you seem to still want to give her a chance, just give her the chance. It’s hers to muck up like a fool or to grab gratefully with both hands.
If she screws up, you can leave knowing you tried and gave her the opportunity to change, in the future when the time is right, your children will know this and respect you for it, no guilt for quitting if she throws away the opportunity you gave.
Of course what she did is always there at the back of your mind, but it will fade. It’s like a cloud on the horizon, but clouds don’t always mean rain.
It crops up in my thoughts pretty much every day even three years on, but it’s lost its roar and I can now see it for what it was, I can see the context, the lack of significance it has, the lack of significance his OW actually had, it wasn’t about her, it was about him and his selfish lack of personal agency at the time. At a three year distance I can now see the man my husband was before the affair more clearly again, I had lost that view of him completely, he shattered it. I have three years’ evidence of his fidelity, total remorse and regret, his work at personal change and his love and commitment for me and the children to go on now when a trigger occurs. Plenty to dispel the hurt.
At a year out I was still a mess. It’s too soon. Time heals but only if you work on you and she continues to do everything in her power to put this right.
No, I’ll never trust him like I did, but I was naive and I now don’t think you should blindly trust anyone if I’m honest. Blind trust is just that, completely unseeing, it’s partly how my husband had an affair without detection, and it serves nobody. It did not serve me.
Don’t beat yourself up for thinking about it, just recognise when you are obsessing and brooding, label the thoughts as such and try to mentally move away from them into the present moment, think about what you are doing now, tomorrow, next week.... You can’t change the past by picking over it, it’s set in stone now. You can change the way you view it, though, in order to move forward. The great thing about moving forward is that the stuff you leave behind you when you look back gets smaller and smaller the further you travel. It will, OP. One day at a time, one step at a time, but keep moving forward. Whether you end up doing this with or without her, all the crap you have been through and are going through will be a tiny speck behind you one day, and what is right in front of you in the present is always bigger and far more important.
The present moment is all we have, the past is gone and the future is never promised or certain. Make all your present moments count and they will all add up. X

@Thewookiemustgo

Absolutely spot on. Couldn’t have said it any better myself.

I always thought you could unconditionally trust someone but you can’t. After your person breaks your trust you feel you won’t trust him or her again. And you won’t, not the way you used to. But then you realise you shouldn’t really trust anyone wholeheartedly. Because we all have the capacity to break someone’s heart whether we mean to or not. You might leave and be with someone else- doesn’t mean they won’t cheat on you. I think one’s auctions should have more weight rather than their words.

She has spent 12 months proving her love to you after breaking it for 2 months. That’s by no means long enough but perhaps give her some more time, if this is what you want. You have to want her though, not the relationship you had. That has now sadly gone. But it doesn’t mean a new one cannot be created.

@Blossom12345 that’s the other thing I’ve learned and is all I go in now as far as others are concerned, actions definitely speak louder than words.

It’ll take time to forgive and you may never forget.

A friend of mine was on honeymoon with her DH and discovered he was having an affair. She forgave him, but it took her a couple of years to fully get over it and I’m not sure she will ever 100% trust him again.
He’s done everything she asked in relation to removing the ow from his life, as your wife has done.
They went to counselling together and she also went alone- maybe you should consider this.

I think you need to accept you won’t get the full story and that bringing it up now will only serve to hurt more.

Some great advice above and I’m sure there are definitely people who commit infidelity and wholeheartedly regret it in every shape and form.

We don’t know your wife but you do. Only you will know if she’s saying/ doing everything she possibly can.

I’m glad you’re taking everyone’s advice in and I’m also glad my words were a comfort. Your self esteem is in pieces bless you and I’d be the same , as well as most people on here. He kind to yourself and really focus on your well-being now. Definitely seek counselling together and by your self ( change to another if this one isn’t helping).

You WILL be happy again. I think everybody deals with things differently and we all have different boundaries/ different choosing mechanisms and abilities to forgive etc.

It doesn’t matter whether some would forgive and move on, it doesn’t matter if some would leave as soon as they found out and it doesn’t matter if some would try but leave in the end etc.

This is your life. You HAVE to take care of yourself. You owe it to yourself and you will be happy again, what ever happens.

Stay in your own lane. No relationship is the same. You know in your heart what you can and can’t cope with.

You’re clearly desperate to make this work and be proud of that. You aren’t desperate/ needy/ becoming a nuisance.

The only thing I’ll say is one day, enough will be enough, for your own sake.

We are all rooting for you.

@Daisydoo99 is spot on too. Too many people on this forum are quick to give their opinion - “leave her!” “Once a cheat always a cheat” and I think it often comes from a good place. After all, you come on these forums for advice. But at the end of the day we are all strangers. Your wife may have cheated for a complex reason or she may have just been bored. If you don’t know then how can us strangers on the internet know and be in a position to advise?

I have been/am where you are now and it’s awful. It really is. I try to not look too far into the future as that used to make me feel worse. I think to myself “today do I want to be with him?” And stay with him. Then as time goes on you might think “this week do I want to be with him?” And so on til the period gets longer. But you don’t owe your wife anything, you don’t have to stay with her. Likewise she doesn’t have to. It’s a marriage, not a life sentence. Either one of you can leave at any point. And guess what? You’ve probably put her “rightly” through hell for a year now, and she’s still fighting for your relationship.

I think that what changes from naive trust to never fully trusting again is that, when someone fully trusts another- they also trust themselves. They imagine that they can judge another person's character and liklihood to cheat. They imagine they would spot the tell tale signs and respond before anything happened. They imagine that their relationship is stronger that neither would hurt what they have.
On being betrayed - it is the lack of trust in oneself that is so humbling - as if you are the clown in your own story. It is so damaging that most people are deeply traumatised and changed by the experience. And they will never feel as confident in themselves or others because they were deceived when they thought they were protected by their awareness - only to feel that there will always be things they cannot see.

@Seadad can’t argue with a syllable of that. The loss of confidence in your own judgment is enormously scary. At one time I hardly trusted the sun to come up in the morning.

The moment I found out my partner was 'emotionally' cheating meant that he wasn't mine anymore. I simply couldn't reconcile the man I thought I knew with the man I found out he was. No amount of apologies and trying to make it up to me mattered. It all boiled down to the fact that HE had done this, to us. I went through a brief period of wanting to know all the details but tbh, I knew it would never be the full truth so I dropped it. Pointless. So, I had to decide whether to continue on what I did know, what he was prepared to admit.
You have to decide OP on what you do know. It sounds like you wont get over it and you are prolonging your agony, for both of you. You can make the decision to just let it go or end it. Take control of what you can do, not what you can make her do.