The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

He made her happy. That's honest. Your waterboarding her daily won't change that.

Reading all your posts I can kind of understand why he made her happy.

Sorry but it's the truth in my mind. I wouldn't be jumping through hoops daily . She's trying to be kind.

This is all so sad to read. To be honest it all sounds very unhealthy and you're literally turning yourself inside out and torturing yourself with what might or might not be going on inside your head. I'm not judging, I was once that person too.

People can do and do get past things like this, but equally there are many who don't. As a prevous commenter said, the things you have to accept are a) you will never know the full truth and b) you will never have the relationship you once had. The people who do stay together and work through it find that it's a different relationship going forward. You can rebuild some sort of trust, but you will always have that awareness that they are capable of hurting you in that way, and it never goes away.

She may do it again, she may not. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing and if you choose to stay, that's what you need to live with. I'm not being harsh, just speaking from experience. My husband betrayed me and like you, I got his version and he said things that I highly suspect were just to make me feel better. "You're way more attractive than her, I didn't even find her that attractive, I just clicked with her" (in a way, that was worse than a physical attraction, in my mind anyway). I used to drive myself mad wondering if he was telling the truth and wondering if he really still wanted to be with me. Thinking he couldnt really love me if he could do something like that to me. I made myself ill, it affected my job, I remember posting on here and getting all the same advice you're getting now - but like you, I was determined to save my marriage, at any cost.

The thing is, it eats away at you until you can't take it any more, and eventually as the hurt fades you'll find the resentment grows and you'll feel more and more bitter about what she did and all the hurt you've put yourself through trying to fix it. I honestly wish I hadn't stayed now. If I could go back, I would have kicked him out. I'm 2.5 years down the line now. On one hand, I guess there should be no regrets because at least I can say I gave it a real chance. But sometimes I'm angry with myself for putting myself through that. I don't even like him as a person any more, I've lost all respect for him. I've told him this week I want to split. I dont even think I love him any more.

Only you can decide what to do, but listen carefully to everything that's been said here and think really carefully if you'll be happy feeling like this for the rest of your life. Maybe give yourself a deadline. If it gets to a certain amount of time and you haven't been able to get past it, then end it. I really do wish you well and hope it works out for you.

[quote barclay20q]@LollyLol

She says that the reason is because i didn't give her any attention and she felt unloved. I have to admit i did neglect her. Butt she understands that she made the choice to cheat thats nothing to do with me and she understands that she should have spoken to me, She says she wishes she had spoken to me and this will never happen again.

@Sofacouchboredom

Thats really helpful thank you. How was you at the 12 month stage? Did you still talk about it every day? Im really glad there is another person that managed to fix things. Thank you and good luck

@CountessDracula

Thank your for replying. Is an affair a mistake or is it a series of choices I cant accept it was a mistake even though she tries to say it was. I do have history. When i was thirteen my dad left my mum so i have been here before. Thank you for your reassuring words. I hope i can be one of those people that make it through to the other end[/quote]
I think the first paragraph is quite important here. She said she did it because she felt unloved and you didn’t give her any attention and you admit to neglecting her. We can agree that she should have addressed this with you but she didn’t and instead was drawn into another man where she hoped she would feel loved and given the attention she craved from you. She made a mistake by not being open and honest but you also made a mistake by neglecting your wife. If 1 year has passed and there has been no progress in dealing with the affair and you are still where you were, then no amount of counselling or questions are going to resolve this.

The problem is it seems like the cheated on has to make all the sacrifices. Your wife had a good time and now all she has to do is say sorry. Everyone sort of blames you - it was your fault there was a void and she had to look elsewhere. You're the one that has to accept the version she gives, move on and never mention it again.
Sorry - that doesn't help!!

You will not be able to move on until you devote as much time and headspace examining your own behaviour as you have given to examining hers. Just look at your posts here, all obsessing about her behaviour, paragraph after paragraph. Just one sentence where you admit you were neglectful of her and she felt uncared for. How many of those twenty years had she felt neglected? She had an affair that lasted a fraction of that time and she has re-committed to the marriage. You really need to think much harder, not about her actions but about your own.

@barclay20q please please move your questions to Surviving Infidelity and their reconciliation board. I know the posters on there and there are a few who could REALLY support your current head space, and help you unpick what is going on.

You will be among friends there who understand trauma and the effect of infidelity on your brain. This is not the place for you judging by some of these posts. I can’t imagine a woman in pain less than a year after her husbands affair being treated the same way.

Your marriage won’t survive if you don’t stop fixating on her affair. At the moment you are pushing your wife away. You’re in a stale mate and need to try something different to get out of this vicious circle. If individual counselling isn’t working, can you see someone as a couple?

[quote barclay20q]@Aquamarine1029

I don't want to punish her. I really don't. But there are time for sure that I will chuck something back in her face. But the real reason, is to see how and what she really feels about him. Because if she had feelings for him why is she with me? She already stated he made her happy but says she doesn't want him. It was a horrible mistake. Im scared of her going back to him or it happening again. Im scared of her just trying to make it work with me, but having something solid and real with him.[/quote]
Humans are complicated. It's quite possible to "have feelings for" multiple people simultaneously. You can't erase what's in someone's mind; nor is it productive to dwell on that. Most of us have fond feelings for people from our past (or present) and they have zero to do with our relationship with our spouse.

She chose you. Why not focus on that?

She most likely continued with him on the affair because he gave her attention that you weren't. That's usually the reason. She just doesn't want to admit it.

It's up to you if you want to continue it. Can you not get individual counselling and couples counselling right now? I know you said cc will come after ic, but maybe both together right now might help. You can maybe find out her reasons for the affair and it might help.

[quote barclay20q]@litterbird

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your right. I may never get the full version of events. Do details matter i keep asking myself. But to me they really do

@sunlovingcriminal

Im sorry things didn't work out for you. But I'm glad you ended up coming out on top with a new happy relationship. Gives people like me hope just incase i cant get over it.

@ScrollingLeaves

I do see what your trying to say. The fact is she had an affair and now she is saying its over. Im having problems believing that she didn't have any feelings for him what soever. Not in the affair or when it stopped. She does admit that he made her happy at the time and there were times when she missed him. But since the affair ended she states she didn't miss him, didn't and doesn't think about him and she doesn't and didn't have any feelings for him. She risked her family for 2 months to be with this person. How is that possible. I asked was it about sex and she said no, I said it has to be about feelings then and she states the whole thing meant nothing. It was a massive mistake and should never have happened.[/quote]
I suspect the reasons you want detials is the fear of the unknown. You keep thinking if you knew what happened in more detail it would be more understandable or more forgivable or it would hurt you less, It’s unlikely to, it will just open more questions in your head and drive you into the same path. If you want to forgive and move onwards in your marriage you have to accept to an extent that you will never know the full why, what, when and how. I suspect that can take a long time for someone to come to terms with.

Would it a
So help you to look at the grief pathway…you are going through a form of grief for that lost trust and wanting you to be the family you were before you found out. That maybe would help you understand why you’re feeling how you are and understand your emotions about trying to keep the marriage going or leaving.

I also think some of the responses are quite harsh on you. You clearly love her a lot and are trying to find ways of coping without continually questioning her.

You came here probably to ask women if the reason women have affairs is always is the product of falling in love with someone else, it is not always.

Sometimes it is immaturity or boredom, not always neglect or being blown away by someone else. Some women never think of leaving their husband and I think if she really loved him and felt safe with him, she would have left you. You obviously provide her with something the OM does not. She has told you she loves you and wants to stay with you and I would believe her, whether you can forgive her is another matter.

Her feelings of happiness may not have been because of him, but the time of feeling confident, desired and noticed, it could have been anyone. I also think she took your love for granted and fully believed you would not end things if the shit hit the fan, which is what happened.

People who have affairs often take their partner's love for granted, so self assured are they that they are loved in the primary relationship that common sense or empathy goes out of the window.

This man maybe persued her and she was flattered by his attention, resulting in her rewarding him by sleeping with him, women are conditioned into pleasing men who give them anything.

She needs to understand how this man may have used her, some men will push and push until they get their ego boost, especially as he knows you, an even better boost.

If you think of her as a victim of this predatory man would that ease things, I've definitely known women who were coerced by men into loosening boundaries and dropping their moral standards.

There are some very persistant men who prey on less confident women.

It's been a year since she broke her vows (pompous phrase from him). How much longer does she walk across a bed of coals and sleep on a bed of nails. If this was a woman posting about the daily drip from him the advice I predict would be to LTB

I agree with the two options opinion
You either move on together putting it all behind you , drawing a line in the sand or you split up.
This is no way to live for either of you .
No point in martyring yourself just because you want to honour your marriage vows ... to what cost ? Your happiness , mental health ?
Time for a good long talk together.

OP, you have some choices now.

You can choose to completely forgive her and focus on your life now and in the future together
You can choose to forgive her but prefer to separate
You can choose to explore what may have been wrong in your marriage that may have contributed to the affair.
You could have couples therapy or therapy on your own.
You could insist on a full and true version of events before deciding whether or not you can continue.

You don't have to stay in this shaky position. It's not working for you right now.

@justasking111

It's been a year since she broke her vows (pompous phrase from him). How much longer does she walk across a bed of coals and sleep on a bed of nails. If this was a woman posting about the daily drip from him the advice I predict would be to LTB

I wouldn’t. I’ve been traumatised by infidelity. Unless you’ve gone through it, it’s impossible to imagine the mind movies, questioning, hypervigilance and self doubt, the panic attacks, weight loss, sleepless nights, then the shame If you decide to stay.

Nothing the OP is talking about isn’t a well researched side effect of infidelity a year or so out. The vitriol to a man who has been cheated on is shocking. He’s the victim here not the cheat. His wife’s narrative is just one being leapt on here because we all want to believe women only cheat because they’re being ‘ignored’ and not getting enough ‘attention’. It’s nonsense women cheat for a variety of reasons as do men.

I’m just hoping the OP has made his way to a forum where he will find empathy and compassion and not minimising and blameshifting.

@Sofacouchboredom

No one is minimising or blame shifting. If they both had counselling, the therapist would question why the affair took place in the first place, they would work from there and also focus on his feelings too, they get to the root of the problem and give coping strategies to both husband and wife. Affairs happen for a number of reasons, life isn’t black and white, people make mistakes and poor choices, it’s how people learn from them and move forwards that makes the difference.

There is no reasonable excuse why an affair happens.

Affairs are wrong, full stop.
Sorry but they are, that may not be convienient to some but it's the truth.

Relationships faulter but an affair is never an aid to a marriage.

Just as abuse is never the answer to to any union.

@Onthedunes

There is no reasonable excuse why an affair happens.

Affairs are wrong, full stop.
Sorry but they are, that may not be convienient to some but it's the truth.

Relationships faulter but an affair is never an aid to a marriage.

Just as abuse is never the answer to to any union.

People make mistakes in life all the time, an affair is a consequence of a poor choice, off course it’s not morally right but they happen and there’s often many reasons why. It’s not always as simple as the person was bored, often the person feels unhappy for a number of months/years, when someone fills that gap, naturally a person will be drawn to the other person, the need for that void to be filled often over rides any moral issues the person may have surrounding the affair. The right answer would be to end the relationship but there can be many reasons why this doesn’t happen. It’s not until the affair ends the person realises the pain they have caused.

[quote SparklingStars10]@Sofacouchboredom

No one is minimising or blame shifting. If they both had counselling, the therapist would question why the affair took place in the first place, they would work from there and also focus on his feelings too, they get to the root of the problem and give coping strategies to both husband and wife. Affairs happen for a number of reasons, life isn’t black and white, people make mistakes and poor choices, it’s how people learn from them and move forwards that makes the difference.[/quote]
I have no idea how you can deny minimising… one poster actually described the affair as a fling. Many have told him he should be ‘over it by now’. That’s minimising.

And many posters on this thread have implied he is to blame for not paying her enough attention even though that’s narrative was only given by her AFTER the affair. That is blameshifting.

If you read any of my posts you’d see I totally agree about affairs happening for many reasons. But they’re always the wrong choice, and they are never something as trivial as a ‘mistake’.

And at no point have I said they shouldn’t have counselling but if they are trained in infidelity now any counsellor worth their salt would just allow blameshifting to take place. Research has moved on.

‘Would not allow’

Affairs are not mistakes, a one stand stand maybe could be described as a mistake. A big one.

An affair is a pre meditated, lie driven, continuous betrayal of the one you have professed to be in a monogamous relationship with.

They happen through choice and someones own free will, they cause pain, hurt and humiliation.

Ignorance would be a better excuse if you had to have one, or a mental deficit that makes empathy void.

Affairs are cruel and are undertaken by cruel people.
Not what many want to hear.

I have never once read a thread on MN where a woman was cheated on by a man, and it was even hinted that she was ignoring her part in her treatment of him, or that she must have neglected the poor man or could be to blame in any way.
When OP’s wife had her affair her neglect of him and the family were absolute. She took for granted they’d all still be there for her when she’d had her fun.
In the face of feeling neglected, taken for granted or feeling ignored in the relationship, the answer was to state this loud and clear. Even if nothing then changed, this still did not justify pretending she was ok with things and having an affair. You end the relationship.
I can’t believe how many posts are more or less, or even explicitly, telling the OP he must have caused this or contributed to it in some way and needs to look in his own back yard first.
OP is only 50% to blame for the state of his marriage, his wife is responsible for her 50% which some posters seem to assume was perfect. OP is 0% to blame for his wife’s poor choices in the face of this. She had other options.
Seriously can’t remember one broken and betrayed woman having this levelled at her on MN, all the vitriol and blame usually goes towards the cheating man.
Even good relationships can always be improved, we could all do better and nobody’s perfect, but it’s pretty cold to see someone in this much pain from the actions of another and even hint that they caused it. Because he didn’t. Nobody forces anyone to cheat. It’s a choice.

@Onthedunes We will have to agree to disagree here. Again not everything is black and white. I know a lady who had an affair, she was extremely unhappy in her relationship, both her and her husband had debts, she could not leave the marital home, he was neglectful to her emotional/mental health, he often called her names. She met someone who was able to give her what she needed, she isn’t a cruel person, in fact she is the most selfless person I know, she was a woman in a relationship who was denied the most basic fundamentals of a marriage. The affair helped her understand how unhealthy her marriage was, they are still together after many years.