The affair is destroying my family

[barclay20q]

My wife’s affair has destroyed our family and is ripping through us like a cancer.

Since the affair was disclosed just under a year ago, the aftermath of the affair has destroyed my life, my family and is continuing to destroy the little that we do have left.

Since D-Day, my wife has done everything she possibly can to try and fix and help me heal. Cut contact with the affair partner, changed mobile numbers, come off social media, moved city, changed cars. But it’s been hard work and it’s getting harder. Time should be making things better, but things feel like are getting worse.

I have always had a problem with her version of events. I have never, really been given the full story from start to finish. I have always been given parts of what happened and filled in the blanks myself. She doesn’t rub my face in it but stick by the fact that he made her happy but she doesn’t want him. She wants us and only us. He was a massive mistake and she wants to get on with our lives.

But How ?

How do you really move on? When in the back of my mind is what they did, what they felt and the biggest one is how she could even do it when she had a loving family at home.

She is always showing me love, sending texts saying she loves me and we will get through this. Why isn’t this enough? I get triggered by texts that she sends to me and I think did she say that to him?

At this stage I understand I won’t be over it, but shouldn’t I at least be at a stage where we don’t argue, bicker or fight every day and discus the affair? She is giving answers and I’m not accepting them. It’s like unless the answer she gives, hurts me in some way, I don’t believe it.

I have a feeling I’m not getting the whole story. The story doesn’t add up. Should I leave it and try and move on, as I really want my wife and my family back, or do I continue to try and get what I believe may be the truth, but then there is always a possibility that she has given me the truth and I’m just pushing her away.

My biggest fear is that she still has feelings, no matter how small for her affair partner and there is always a chance this can start up all over again. You can’t have a 2 month physical and emotional affair and come away with no feelings. Like she is trying to get me to believe. It’s clear the affair partner meant something to her, but she denies this and says the affair was a mistake and he meant and means nothing.

Isn’t this what cheaters normally say

@Gorodish1965

I'm a (male) lurker on the relationship thread as I needed some advice from others a few years ago when I was in a similarly painful place.

I just wanted to offer you some hope. We are 4 years on, and the pain has largely gone. My wifes affair was historic and the AP had just died, which in some ways was easier, in some ways (dealing with lies) worse.

We had generally had a good marriage, and I still loved her, much as you clearly love your wife. I also wanted to give it a chance as I didn't want to ruin things for our sons.

I found acceptance, not forgiveness, to be key. It's an easier mental task, or at least it was for me. It stops you worrying about what happened here or there or what was said.

We are now empty nesters, but I'm so glad we held on and tried, and I can say that when I think of the affair (as I do occasionally) it is numbness not pain. Some of this is probably time. It can never be the same entirely but in some ways we are better and more appreciative of each other. There are no second chances though!

I found "I can't get over my partner's affair " by Andrew Marshall very helpful.

If you still love her, keep the faith.

First that was lovely post. and I'm so sorry you were cheated on too... It hurts like a bitch I know all too well.

I wanted to get even by cheating myself. He said, "If that will make you feel better, ok." WTF? I wanted him to be deeply hurt..but he said it to stop my pain. I get that now. I didn't then.

He felt so bad that not only did he not sleep in our bed, or the couch. He slept on the floor in our living room because he felt so guilty.

I ran to my sister's house and spilled my guts...sobbing uncontrollably
He had never done anything ( that I know about) before the affair.

I accepted it after maybe a year...But I blamed myself for not being pretty enough, not satisfying him in bed..I was making myself sick about it. What was happening in my mind was worse than the actual affair.

I left him after the affair 10 years later...It hadn't been about the affair though. It was because he turned into an asshole. It was over Money.
But I do know I was triggered years after...YEARS after before I left.

[quote barclay20q]@GeneLovesJezebel

I see what you mean, but this is my life and my family. We have been together many, many years. I always said I wouldn't stand for cheating, but now I'm here its not that easy to walk away.

Just because she didn't honour her vows, doesn't mean I wont.[/quote]
Bless you, @barclay20q

It is the most horrible and personally painful situation.

I'd kind of resolved not to post my personal feelings and experience on MN any more, because it makes me vulnerable. But your post made me feel so sad for you. I remember being in a similar situation, and, as you say, thinking well I would never ever accept infidelity, but now that it comes to it, I also never in a million would give up my family. So what is my choice? Continue, through tears, to love? And keep my family together? Or break it all up and live a different pain?

It is so hard.

You are, though, lucky. She has cut all contact, it was only two months' long, and she is trying. She is on board.

You need counselling or whatever to clear the past out of your mind.

Clear it. Keep the family.

That is my personal view. I still love him and he is still the warmest and best thing, even though we have been through literal hell, including his breakdown, and probably mine.

You have a head start. She is on board. Get with the programme yourself, and move your lives on. She regrets it. She chooses you. This is partnership. Go with it.

@HooverIsAlwaysBroken

My husband had an affair a few years ago. It was absolutely awful and the trust was gone for a long time.

What helped me was that I was able to see why it had happened. There were some issues in our relationship, a high risk pregnancy, too much work, too little time for each other and a lack of communication.

I felt incredibly let down and depressed for quite a while but when I realised that for us it was partly due to our relationship having issues (separate to the affair) which now are sorted, it helped me to finally move on.

But YOU had the same issues too and didn't choose to have an affair. Don't absolve him.

You should talk to someone about this - there is a limit to the advice these forums can give - there is too much nuance and detail.

You are probably not getting the full story - but that doesn’t necessarily mean she harbours deep feelings for this guy. She is probably embarrassed and worried that by telling you the full story you will feel even more hurt and/or leave her.

In fairness to your wife, she has agreed to relocate (was that solely because of the affair ?) and do other things which are involve a fair degree of hassle and sacrifice.

If you judge people purely by actions- post affair she gets a 10 out of 10.

At the end of the day only you know your limits. Talk to someone.

@Aquamarine1029

Just because she didn't honour her vows, doesn't mean I wont.

Being a martyr will get you exactly no where. Your marriage is over. Accept it and move on.

This ^^

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

Believe me, no absolution. I was extremely angry for a very long time and I did give him hell. I also visited a divorce solicitor just to have everything ready.

But similarly to the OP, we had a family, I did love him somewhere (deep down) and he was extremely sorry. But on its own, that would not have been enough for me. However, recognising that our relationship had issues which we had neglected helped me to understand why it had happened. And that was what enabled me to eventually forgive.

affair has destroyed our family

That's what they do.

How do you really move on?

You won't. You just either live with the knowledge and deceit or you don't. It will come up over and over for life it's happened and nothing can undo it.
So you let her off and drop it or you give her the deserved consequences and kick her out. Up to you but there is no magical answer to remove what's been done. It happened. How you handle it is the way forward. But if you let her stay you are expected to just stop bringing it up and keep it inside which will end up destroying you but you pick a path.

Really tough times going through this and I know your pain. I found out my ex had cheated for a a couple of months after 4 years. She explained that she felt depressed and lonely after the birth of out second child and it just happened. Things don't just happen because you have to make a choice to make them happen. All the old chestnuts about 'it meant nothing' is complete bullshit. If it meant nothing why does it hurt so much?
I think I probably asked why and a few questions.
To be honest In some ways I didn't want to know. I knew what we would do intimately so that took little imagination visualising them doing the same.
The truths that your seeking may well pull you apart, and you'll probably never know the whole truth. Be careful what you wish for. I stayed with her for far to long and put my life to the side to still be with my children. With hindsight I should have gone through the pain and left for good. What followed was a tainted and soiled relationship that made us both miserable.
I wish you well whatever you decide, personally I wished I'd walked away.

@Aquamarine1029

The i really believe the real motivation for badgering my wife with questions every day is for a one particular reason. But its not to punish her, believe it or not.

Its to try and get the full story. The true, real story. The one that adds up and makes sense and doesn't sound like she is just trying to protect my feelings or herself.

After all the deceit the betrayal and the lies i just want the truth and don't want to be lied and and given the respect that i thin I deserve

You cannot get back what you had because trust has left your marriage, and without that a marriage cannot survive.

Other posters above are talking about limping on for several years after an affair and then making the break. Might it be better to make that break now and save the years during which you could be starting a new life?

You sound as if you really need to leave this marriage. Nothing she says is ever going to satisfy you. In my own experience something like this taints a marriage forever. I think many people are just too frightened of the future to leave. I would even suggest that maybe you are still in such a state is because you are living in limbo.

Op you never, before you met your wife, had a relationship that lasted a few weeks and you moved on with no feelings for that person? You never had a short lived relationship?

I think it’s clear you cannot forgive this, so you’re staying for another reason, maybe fear of going it alone. You need to own the real reasons and own if you can’t forgive this, which you can’t. And as you can’t you need to move on from your marriage, I’m sorry.

[quote barclay20q]@Aquamarine1029

The i really believe the real motivation for badgering my wife with questions every day is for a one particular reason. But its not to punish her, believe it or not.

Its to try and get the full story. The true, real story. The one that adds up and makes sense and doesn't sound like she is just trying to protect my feelings or herself.

After all the deceit the betrayal and the lies i just want the truth and don't want to be lied and and given the respect that i thin I deserve[/quote]
I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but you will never know the 'real' truth. Either because she will never tell it or because you won't accept it if she does. Chances are you've formulated a 'secret truth' in your head and you won't be satisfied unless her 'truth' matches it. How likely is that?

The only time someone actually learns, and later accepts, the 'real truth' about an affair are the times when the errant spouse says 'I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving' and then does. That is a truth too big to discount. For those choosing to stay, there will always be an element of doubt or 'is that all there is?' left like an elephant in the room.

Honestly, if I were your wife I would have left you by now. Yes, she's the guilty party, but you are making her life intolerable. You say you want to save the marriage, yet you are hammering away at her for more and more information, ie 'the truth'. If you really want to 'save your marriage' you need to shut up and get into counseling. Separate counseling at first, and later couples counseling.

[quote barclay20q]@Aquamarine1029

The i really believe the real motivation for badgering my wife with questions every day is for a one particular reason. But its not to punish her, believe it or not.

Its to try and get the full story. The true, real story. The one that adds up and makes sense and doesn't sound like she is just trying to protect my feelings or herself.

After all the deceit the betrayal and the lies i just want the truth and don't want to be lied and and given the respect that i thin I deserve[/quote]
What are you going to do with that information?

My ex told me she met him at a regular event they used to both go to and then they started a fling. She took days off to shag him at his home and some of his rentals and even a couple of weekends away.
And she loved him.

What did I do with that information, what difference did it make.
None, I still didn't go back.
Honestly, your relationship has been firelight and petrol poured, it's finished in its current format.

Did she ever talk about you to him, OP?

Your bound to question what she says even if she says it's the truth, she's proved she cannot be trusted. She should be bending over backwards to make you trust her again but ultimately it depends on you. I personally would be paranoid my Husband was up to something everytime he left the house and would lose all respect for him. Everyone is different, you need time. Take the time and even if a year or two down the line if you decide you can't stay with her then that's ok. Good luck.

Thank you for everyone that has taken the time to reply to my post. Its all been very helpful advice.

I do agree with a lot of you, in that, I wont get over this and to be honest why should I have to? Because she caused every bit of this mess with regards to the affair its self.

But I don't want to lose my wife and don't want to loose my life.

I think i can handle the affair with time, I can handle her sleeping with him. But i cant handle that fact that she stands by he made her happy. She has tried saying that maybe it wasn't happiness but it was a laugh. But I think she is just trying to say what i need to hear.

I have tried to explain to her that if she does still have some thing for him it will eat her alive and finish us anyway. But she insists she has no feelings what so ever for him. But the feeling of happiness means they had something doesn't it?

Am i looking too much on the fact that he made her happy? After all thats what affairs are and do isn't it?

She keeps telling me it was a meaningless pointless horrible time of her life and she regrets all of it. But she will always refer back to the fact that i know how she felt at the time but thats gone now. She also said that I knew what i had to put up with when i decided to stay.

Does it really matter if he made her happy at the time of the affair? If I'm wanting to move forward should i be forgetting he made her happy and concentrating on the fact that she is here with me and trying to make it work.

If thats the case, how do i do it?

How do i put to the back of my head that another manage managed to make my wife happy, How do I accept it and move on as I want to more than anything.

I do agree with a lot of you, in that, I wont get over this and to be honest why should I have to? Because she caused every bit of this mess with regards to the affair its self. But I don't want to lose my wife and don't want to loose my life

You answered your own question. You have to becayse you don’t want to loose your wife and I suspect more importantly to you your lifestyle. Becayse if you keep going like this, then you will have lost them.

If they hadn’t been happy at the time of the affair, they either wouldn’t have done it or it would have died of its own accord. Who risks so much of it doesn’t make them feel good?
That’s the blunt truth and it bloody hurts. I know.
Did it make her happier than her family life and life with you? She’d have gone.
When the chips were down, was she so happy with him that she skipped into the sunset with him?
No.
Because it was an affair. Not a marriage, not a life, not a long-term love with the man she’s had her children with. In her case she seems to view it as a temporary bit of excitement to ordinary life, or an ego massage, or novelty. However, she also views it as a colossal lack of moral fibre on her part and seems to have no desire to be so weak, cowardly and selfish again. From what you say she wants to try to make it up to you all. Let her.
She knows it hurts you to hear it, so each time she sees your agony she tries to say something, anything that she thinks will make you feel better and stop her losing you. Even if that means leaving out gory details or minimising.
She knows you must realise she enjoyed it at the time or why the hell do it? But she probably shudders at herself looking back on it, regrets it, and it clearly wasn’t worth it, despite what she thought at the time.
You’re going to have to accept that it must have been at least fun for a while. Horrible, bitter pill to swallow, but stop badgering on this one and accept this truth, it’s hard and so painful, but if she told you she felt amazing and he made her so happy blah blah blah would that make you feel better? No. And it would eat away at you more.
Her feelings at the time have nothing to do with now. Nothing. If he’s that great where is he?
There are things you need to know in order to process it all and move on, this is true, like when, where, how long, is it completely over and no contact for good, and did the feelings you have mean you wanted/want to leave?
Whatever her feelings were or weren’t, she’s with you now.
Are you subconsciously wanting her to say she loved him and he was amazing so that you have a reason to leave? Or if she told you what you fear, which might actually be untrue, would that prove to you she isn’t lying? Are you repeatedly asking now to check she sticks to her story and is therefore telling the truth? You can’t know and it’s not improving anything about your current situation.
You need all the details you want to hear about the affair, but feelings and the language to describe them are nuanced and what means one thing to one person means another to another.
I’d let it drop re how she felt, and that’s coming from a betrayed spouse who knows the pain this causes and has the T shirt, honestly. The rest she needs to tell you, but the feelings thing is something you can never truly know, because your internal version of how she tells you she felt, won’t ever ‘feel’ the same as yours, we can’t feel other people’s feelings, let along gauge intensity from words alone.
Everything else you ask you can process the answer to, but at some point when you know all you can know about the more evidence based questions, you have to reduce the questioning until you can cope and it can go. Or, as totally unfair as this is, she will leave because she can’t take it any more. She won’t be able to stand the constant reminders of a shame she doesn’t want to revisit (tough, she has to for a while whilst you get facts and work through it) or examine too closely every day. She deserves it, but she won’t be able to take it over and over again because nobody can. This is just a fact, not something that is ever, ever fair.
But life just ain’t fair OP, and we have to play the odds. Take care.

@barclay20q

I do agree with a lot of you, in that, I wont get over this and to be honest why should I have to? Because she caused every bit of this mess with regards to the affair its self.

But I don't want to lose my wife and don't want to loose my life.

Do you not see that these two statements completely contradict each other? You're saying she 'deserves' you not getting over it (ie you are justified in haranguing her) but you don't want to lose her. You can't have it both ways.

But i cant handle that fact that she stands by he made her happy.

Of course he made her happy! He was giving her something emotionally that you were not giving her. I don't know what the problems were at the time of the affair, that's irrelevant now. Not saying that justifies her affair, it doesn't, but I hope it makes you see that she was seeking and found what you could or would not give her.

So we're back to what I said earlier. You have a 'truth' in your head that you need her to corroborate. Yet you say you want 'her truth'. She's either going to lie that he meant nothing to her which you won't believe anyway OR she will continue standing by her truth and you'll keep hammering at her. She can't win for losing.

Does it really matter if he made her happy at the time of the affair? If I'm wanting to move forward should i be forgetting he made her happy and concentrating on the fact that she is here with me and trying to make it work.

Yes, that's exactly what you do.

If thats the case, how do i do it?

How do i put to the back of my head that another manage managed to make my wife happy, How do I accept it and move on as I want to more than anything.

You seek professional help, in the form of individual and then later couple's counseling. You will not be able to put this behind you on your own. And if you refuse to seek counseling, that just means that you want to wallow in it to punish her and to make both of your lives miserable. Or that you are a coward and afraid to find out that your behaviour contributed to her affair. Again, not saying the affair was justified or that your behaviour WAS a cause, but it sounds as if it didn't come right out of the blue, that there were 'issues' going on at the time.

The time for moaning, hammering, and wringing your hands is over. You need to seek counseling if you want to heal your marriage. Shit or get off the pot, my friend. Shit or get off the pot.

I can't imagine he made her "happy", he probably just made her feel desire, sexy, wanted etc. If they wanted to be together they would be, and if she didn't want to be with you, she would have left you. I think you need to accept that you will never get the answers you seek, and if you cannot accept that and cannot move on then you have to leave the marriage. The vase is broken now, and it will never be the same. Different maybe, even better in some ways but never the same.

You have two choices - either move on and try and focus on the here and now, or you leave. You cannot make the decision to stay but then keep going on about it, she's not going to have an ephinay and tell you more than she feels she absolutely has to.

You either accept it and try to move on or you don’t. You can’t keep questioning as you will Never get the full story. Even if she gave you a different story to the one you have been given, you may not believe that and so it continues. She won’t change her story now anyway as that would be equally as annoying as she has been holding something from you for a year.

It’s either try to move on now and rebuild or leave. There is no inbetween.

Leaving is not that bad. I found it quite liberating and my life was better. Couple of days a week with no kids was great and I could recharge my batteries for when I had them. Romantically, there were definitely plenty more fish in the sea too!

Everything @Thewookiemustgo said.

What is leaping out at me though is that I'm not sure your wife has actually done any work. You're only a year down the line and pretty much being told to stop going on at her about it, she's sorry (I'm sure there are lots of tears) and she wants to be with you. I think you've even said she refers to it as a 'mistake'...

This isn't going to support you in your healing. As Wookie says - of course the affair made her happy - they're highly addictive, fun and give the cheating couple heaps and heaps of ego kibbles. Then they're not.

There is plenty of evidence that cheating partners are seeking some sort of validation. What work has your wife done to unpick why she needed all that validation and I'm not talking blaming you or your marriage (I eye roll at marriage blaming posts) but actually looking at her internal struggles, what was going on for her that she needed this validation? If she just says 'I've told you I'm sorry now be quiet about it' she will continue to be a risk.

You say you've read and researched, that's great. BUT what about her? What has she done to understand what you need as a betrayed in reconciliation? And if she has done any reading or watched any videos, listened to any podcasts, what has she taken away from it?

Time is a healer, anyone who has actually reconciled on here knows it takes 2-5 years and the trauma will lead to obsessive thoughts and questioning. Your behaviour is TYPICAL. A truly remorseful spouse should be understanding, patient and willing to do a whole heap of work to be a safe partner.

I don’t think you want “the truth”. You want your version of the truth to be the truth. Until you accept what she’s telling you, you can’t move past.

If at a year you still haven’t move to Cc, I don’t know that you will.

It’s time to move on. Together, or apart. Your choice

You are absolutely torturing yourself

Yes your wife liked this man
Yes this man liked your wife

People who are not married like each other and have brief relationships. They move on and rarely think of said person

Your wife did not leave you. She could have. She might be wishing she did after the daily questions.

I imagine it can be quite nice if someone shows you attention if you’re marriage is stale and you feel neglected

However I do believe that if you decide to stay and make a go of things you have a responsibility to at least try and let it go otherwise you a creating a harmful environment and in this case it’s been over a year I think that’s too long and defeats the purpose of staying together

Some things you want answers to are common sense. She had an affair - but change the word affair to brief relationship and that’s all it was.

Perception is everything.

But soon you need to decide that carrying on like this is madness better to move on if you choose to stay stuck in your current thinking loop!!!