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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help. Dp just fought me

305 replies

Givemelemons · 10/03/2022 23:48

Just posted a thread about breaking up with my partner. He agreed I could sleep in the bed whilst he slept downstairs until I move out with our baby. Came upstairs he refused to leave and told me to sleep downstairs. I have a bad back and this got my back up as why we broke up is because he says things then just doesnt follow through with it.

I said fine I will pack a small bag go to my parents for the night then come back in the morning. I went to turn the light on and he turned it off like some kid. After some back and forthing of this he grabbed my hand multiple times really hard so i went to turn our side light on. He then proceeded to grab my legs (switch is on the floor) and dug in really bad. It still hurts. He got the quilt and pillows and anything he could and whacked me with it and it burns. He took the light bulbs out of the socket so I cant use it. All the meanwhile his dad stood outside our door listening and done and said nothing other than keep it down.

Does this count as physical abuse? He has pushed me as well and his parents talked it down to be nothing and so has he. He was angry at the time and blamed me for it

OP posts:
MNCar · 11/03/2022 07:19

You don’t book into a hotel. Go to the local council and flee away a DV victim.

babysleephelp · 11/03/2022 07:24

This is what the dv helplines are there for op. They know how to help people in the same situation as you and will help you answer the questions you have. You are so much more likely to be able to stay away if they help you. Just going to a hotel with no forward plan and no support I think you will end up going back.

Original poster
Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 07:27

I wanted to go to a hotel as it would get me out. Its alot less overwhelming than talking to someone and ir would give me time and space to sort out an action plan. I think i'd be alot more likely to go

OP posts:
WisherWood · 11/03/2022 07:27

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe his parents are right and I provoke that ugly side out of him. Maybe because all I know is shouting and upset im causing it

it is not your fault. A decent partner doesn't have an ugly side to provoke in the first place. You are not under-reacting. He assaulted you. If a stranger had hurt you like that would you say it was okay? So why take that from your partner?

It doesn't matter what his parents and your parents say. If this was your daughter coming to you in 20 years time, would you tell her to stay with a volatile man who hurt her? I really hope not but she will repeat this pattern if you don't get out.

Do you generally leave the house during the day? Just do that, as you would normally. Get in the car with your baby and get clear of them. Then start phoning Women's Aid once they're open. And if you were my friend, or even just an acquaintance, and you turned up needing help under these circumstances, I'd tell you to stay with me as long as you needed to get back on your feet. So try your friends as well.

Sprucewillis · 11/03/2022 07:28

So it's fine as long as you do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and you never disagree with anything he says?

You have been conditioned to accept this behaviour. It is not normal and you need counselling.

He is not nice sometimes. Sometimes he is 'nice enough' so that you stick around. He will not change. He's behaving this way because you he can. There's been no action taken on it previously.

Please do not minimise what he did to you. Last night you were terrified. Your DD and you deserve better.

ANameChangeAgain · 11/03/2022 07:32

Please just call the police. Tell them exactly what you have told us. Tell them about him, his parents and your family minimising, tell them you have no support or money. You still have options and if you involve the police they will stay with you whilst you pack and will take you and your baby to a refuge. Once you are there you will have access to information and support. Please just call the police and everything will fall into place for you.

loislovesstewie · 11/03/2022 07:34

from the Government website
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 amends Part 7 of the 1996 Act to strengthen the support available to victims of domestic abuse. The Act extends priority need to all eligible victims of domestic abuse who are homeless as a result of being a victim of domestic abuse. The 2021 Act brings in a new definition of domestic abuse which housing authorities must follow to assess whether an applicant is homeless as a result of being a victim of domestic abuse.
Please read this and understand that you are being abused, and you don't have to stay. There is help, but you need to take a tiny first step to get it. Do you want your LO to grow up seeing their mother downtrodden ? Or worse? And please don't say 'he would never hurt the baby'. Abusers do! They hurt the baby psychologically at the very least and often physically too. If I had a £1 for every woman who told me that he won't hurt the baby only for it to happen! And in one case the 'hurt' was fatal.
I'm not trying to cause you further upset, but please take some action now.

Zillamop · 11/03/2022 07:35

This is NOT your fault. Call the police. They will help you.

Original poster
Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 07:37

I just want to leave this morning but none of family members are around to help

Where do i go? I dont want to keep dragging my child here there and everywhere

Partner just walked into the bedroom. Said nothing. Didnt even look at me and walked out. Not so remorseful now he doesnt want a bed to sleep in

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/03/2022 07:38

Well you won’t get booked knto a hotel till the afternoon now. You need to speak to the police to have this logged, not sure whether council will help without any evidence.
You are already minimising and rationalising what happened..

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 11/03/2022 07:41

OP it's really important that you report this to the police. You need to have his abuse on record for when he tries to get unsupervised access to your child.

blinder · 11/03/2022 07:44

Go to the shops with your baby and phone this helpline. They will help you make a plan. www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 11/03/2022 07:45

This is not your fault. He assaulted you and his father didn't stop him. Horrible horrible people. Do you have marks, bruises on you, take photos. You need to tell the police so you have it logged. Either he leaves or you do, do not leave your baby with him. You do not deserve this.

isthismylifenow · 11/03/2022 07:45

OP, I know that you are stressed and had a tough night.

But posters are giving you good advice. Why are you are taking it and keep asking what to do?

Jannt86 · 11/03/2022 07:46

@Givemelemons

I just want to leave this morning but none of family members are around to help

Where do i go? I dont want to keep dragging my child here there and everywhere

Partner just walked into the bedroom. Said nothing. Didnt even look at me and walked out. Not so remorseful now he doesnt want a bed to sleep in

OP I can say as someone who's dad hit me and my mum several times that your baby WILL be noticing the abuse and it will live with her forever. You need to do this for your daughter. A few days or even weeks moving around a bit won't harm her anywhere near as much as a lifetime of witnessing domestic abuse. Trust me.
loislovesstewie · 11/03/2022 07:46

OP, how many times do people have to tell you? You get the baby, and yourself dressed and ready to leave, you walk out of the house to the nearest police station, you tell them what has happened and ask for help to leave. If you have bruises or marks on you, show them to the police officer. If he tries to follow call 999.
If you can't get to a police station, then go to the council offices as soon as they open.
Just do it.

blinder · 11/03/2022 07:46

You can take your time and be careful about leaving. Slow down and keep remembering that you and your baby deserve to be safe. You must be smart and brave now.
Make a plan!

Lampface · 11/03/2022 07:50

OP - how about doing this?

Book a hotel for tonight. Pick up some food that baby can eat cold from a nearby supermarket. Whilst you're there, pick up a new sim card with credit.

Get to the hotel. Switch out your sim card so that your phone isn't blown up. Order yourself a takeaway or something. And when you're ready, when you've relaxed a bit and realised the difference in how you feel away from him... call Women's Aid. They will be able to support you with calling the police, and finding somewhere to sleep after the night at the hotel.

Please take advice on board. PLEASE leave. Flowers

Ddot · 11/03/2022 07:53

Act like nothing wrong this morning, just carry on as normal then when your alone with baby get packed and get out. Go to council on monday morning ask for assistance. If you really feel unsafe today call the police and have him removed. Dont change your mind keep strong I'm afraid he will only get worse and more violent. Your baby will be better off with one happy parent than with two fighting ones xx stay strong sweetie you got this

imamumgetmeoutofhere · 11/03/2022 07:54

Please just get out with your dc. Don't become another domestic violence statistic we read about on the news. You can do this x

Original poster
Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 07:55

@loislovesstewie i have no bruises. He only held onto my legs and hand. This isnt a case of he hit me or kicked me. He was smart to only whack me with materials in hindsight. Not a scratch or mark on me

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 11/03/2022 07:57

It’s not your fault. You are not bringing the ugly side of him.
You are not doing anything bad to your baby by waking them up at night to protect them.
You don’t need help with anything. There is no need to take the cot etc… just the bare essentials. If there is a YY thing you or the baby needs later on you can come back WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

What he did is domestic violence. You need to treat it as such.

TravellingFrom · 11/03/2022 07:58

[quote Givemelemons]@loislovesstewie i have no bruises. He only held onto my legs and hand. This isnt a case of he hit me or kicked me. He was smart to only whack me with materials in hindsight. Not a scratch or mark on me[/quote]
Of course he is smart. What do you think? He knows well that what he is doing is wrong.
He is protecting his back very well it seems…

theremustonlybeone · 11/03/2022 07:59

You dont need to be bruised to be a victim, alot of abuse is emotional. Go and seek support today from the council /womans aid. I would suggest you report the assault to the police. Do it online and start creating a record. I would when you report it highlight other incidents and the threats your experiencing within the family home. This will help start building a picture of the abusive situation your in.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/03/2022 08:01

you need to be brave op