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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help. Dp just fought me

305 replies

Givemelemons · 10/03/2022 23:48

Just posted a thread about breaking up with my partner. He agreed I could sleep in the bed whilst he slept downstairs until I move out with our baby. Came upstairs he refused to leave and told me to sleep downstairs. I have a bad back and this got my back up as why we broke up is because he says things then just doesnt follow through with it.

I said fine I will pack a small bag go to my parents for the night then come back in the morning. I went to turn the light on and he turned it off like some kid. After some back and forthing of this he grabbed my hand multiple times really hard so i went to turn our side light on. He then proceeded to grab my legs (switch is on the floor) and dug in really bad. It still hurts. He got the quilt and pillows and anything he could and whacked me with it and it burns. He took the light bulbs out of the socket so I cant use it. All the meanwhile his dad stood outside our door listening and done and said nothing other than keep it down.

Does this count as physical abuse? He has pushed me as well and his parents talked it down to be nothing and so has he. He was angry at the time and blamed me for it

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 11/03/2022 09:10

Of course you have been assaulted; he has hit you! The problem is that he is brainwashing you into thinking that no-one will believe you. The fact is they will. As I said up thread, you have to protect your LO and yourself. If social services knew what he is doing then they would advise you to leave. The fact that his parents are so awful too should help you with any agency. If the home is not yours then you have one less hurdle to get over.
Not being religious I don't normally quote the Bible, but this is my favourite saying; 'Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.'
Think about that and hold onto it. It is better to be just you and your LO than with people who hold you in contempt. No-one who truly loved you would behave like this.

StarsandStones · 11/03/2022 09:18

Could you phone women's aid/police?

Or do you have to take the baby for a walk and then phone them for advice?

It will be difficult to go away and find yourself and financial security. But help is out there. And the abuse is damaging you and your child.

solbunny · 11/03/2022 09:27

OP, please please please "take the baby out for a walk" or whatever excuse sticks ASAP and ring the police or go to the police station. They will help you go back to retrieve your belongings and find accommodation. Ring woman's aid too if you like.

Please ignore your family, I'm so sorry they're not being supportive but just remember that it is absolutely their reactions that are abnormal, not yours. It is not normal and it is abusive for your partner to push you or to hold you down and hit you with items.

RockinHorseShit · 11/03/2022 09:41

Call the police!! He assaulted you, he's an abusive arse

Shallysally · 11/03/2022 12:58

Are you ok OP? Hope you have managed to get out of the house and contacted the police.

Original poster
Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 13:32

I took on board everyones advice and acted normal towards the parents until I could leave. Im now at a family members house. There was no point talking the parents anyways just for them to justify his actions or minimise it. They already tried to give me the same narrative as they always do when we argue and their son hurts me.

"Oh your just bored you need a job or hobbies."

"You cant rely just him to be your happiness. You expect him to be perfect"

"At least he isnt an alcoholic or druggie" (he used to be both but they dont know)

They always make me feel its my problem and that I should be grateful for him.

I just nodded along with it all shutting myself down to it

He wants to talk later. I dont know what else there is to be said or what he can say at this point. Either way I want all my belongings all my furniture and my cat. We also have dc to talk about. I dont know what my plan is moving forward. I guess im scared to make any big permnant decisions yet. Ive reached out to womans aid before I cant do it again and then nothing comes of it. They took my details so it wouldnt look good for me.

I do feel more at ease being away from it all though now and im proud of myself for packing our bags and sneaking them out. Whether it be a small step. Im just so SO tired. Im trying to keep it together for my baby.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 11/03/2022 13:36

Well done. Now contact the police. Your safety and wellbeing matter to your daughter (if not to anyone else, among the nasty losers you have the misfortune to know).

Gazelda · 11/03/2022 13:37

That's great to hear OP. You've taken a huge step which must feel very daunting.

But could you try to reach out to a DV support service? Their help and guidance will be invaluable to you going forward. If you don't feel you can talk about it at the moment, Can you email the police, or a charity, or CAB asking for them to signpost?

PurpleDaisies · 11/03/2022 13:38

Ive reached out to womans aid before I cant do it again and then nothing comes of it. They took my details so it wouldnt look good for me.

Women’s aid are absolute used to this. It is so common for women to want to leave but take multiple attempts to get there. It won’t count against you.

carefullycourageous · 11/03/2022 13:49

@PurpleDaisies

Ive reached out to womans aid before I cant do it again and then nothing comes of it. They took my details so it wouldnt look good for me.

Women’s aid are absolute used to this. It is so common for women to want to leave but take multiple attempts to get there. It won’t count against you.

Exactly - Women's Aid are there because it is really hard to leave. It might be your second, or twenty-second attempt when you finally do it.

If it was easy, Women's Aid would not exist.

They are not judging you. They are rooting for you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2022 14:11

That is a real relief. I am so glad you’re safe for now and have been looking out for an update.

Women’s aid are absolutely used to women contacting them numerous times before they (hopefully) finally leave permanently.

Women’s aid will also be able to signpost you to people, who can take your cat as a fostering arrangement for a while if you have to go into a shelter.

I also don’t know what there is to talk about right now with him. He is going to try to get you to come home. Probably using various tactics including minimising, begging, ordering and threatening.

How long can you stay where you are? Do you feel strong enough to talk to the police? And have you ensured he cannot find out where you are?

theremustonlybeone · 11/03/2022 15:09

I think you need to report to the police. Your DP could have the baby and refuse to return them and he and his family could go to court and get an emergency order for yur DC to stay at the family home. You have no place to stay, you dont have your DC things. There is no trail suggesting your a victim of abuse. You need to really start getting tough or you could find ourselve trying to go to court to get access to your own baby.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 11/03/2022 15:21

Hi Givemelemons,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters but we just thought we'd add some links to organisations which can give you some support in real life.

First of all, here's a link to our domestic violence webguide.

We can see that many Mumsnetters have suggested that you contact Women's Aid and we'd absolutely second that advice. Their 24-hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247, and they have an online online chat support service which operates 8am - 6pm weekdays, and 10:00am - 6pm on weekends.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years, so please click on the link.

We're glad to see from your update that you and your baby are safe now, but if you do ever feel you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you’re unable to speak to the operator, press 55 when prompted, to let them know you need help.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

poetryandwine · 11/03/2022 15:49

Hi,OP -

I am so happy you are out. The first step is the hardest. But you do need to do more. Very soon

Your posts here describe the situation very well. If the thought of explaining everything to the police or Women’s Aid is just too much, what about showing them this thread? You can highlight your posts

BusterGonad · 11/03/2022 16:25

Agreed, it takes a lot of attempts to leave situations like yours, they will help you, they won't judge you at all, only be pleased that you haven't given up.

SailingNotSurfing · 11/03/2022 17:02

Just popping in to say I'm thinking of you and sending you strength. You need to leave this toxic man and his family for the sake of your own child.

Hen2018 · 11/03/2022 17:08

Do NOT talk with him later.

Phone the police.

LIZS · 11/03/2022 17:09

WA are used to women seeking advice several times before they leave. Do not meet him alone or with dc. Go somewhere neutral and public, or only on phone. Ask family member to collect your belongings. Have you reported dv to police?

Ddot · 11/03/2022 17:37

Emotional abuse from him and his sick family! I hope your ok and you get your stuff and your kitty back safe and sound

GreyPaw · 11/03/2022 18:00

I used to work for Womens Aid. Trust me, it's totally normal for people to come in and out of service. We know full well how many attempts it takes to leave. This is normal for them.

Pinkbonbon · 11/03/2022 19:35

Unfortunately op when we are raised with by parents who do not teach us to love ourselves we often end up in abusive relationships. Its a toxic cycle.

I suggest you tell your parents that if they cannot support your decision to leave a man who is both nasty and physically abusive to you, that they keep their opinions regarding the relationship entirely to themselves in future.

Because any emotionally healthy mother or father or sister would have come and picked you up from that household last night, just to get you and your little child away from him.

Why didn't they? Either because they are wankers or because they themselves have such messed up boundaries that they think people should just up and shut up when being abused.

You were right to leave. You are right to stay away.
Consider doing the freedom programme online. You need to do some work to develop healthy boundaries so that he cannot sucker you back in.

If you raise your xhild in a household with this man, they in turn will grow up to think abuse is normal. It is up to you to break the cycle.

Always remember that you are worth good things. That there is no excuse for abuse.

And that your feelings are valid.

TravellingFrom · 11/03/2022 20:39

Ive reached out to womans aid before I cant do it again and then nothing comes of it. They took my details so it wouldnt look good for me.

It doesn’t matter. They are not going to judge you on that.
In some ways, it shows that you are really trying to get out of a difficult situation. Continue reaching out for help. Don’t think people are going to automatically judge you the way your (ex?)DH is doing. Because they are not. Even less so when their job is to support people like you. They will have seen it all many times before.

safefacespace · 11/03/2022 20:46

Don't leave your child there!!! Years ago the police persuaded me to leave the baby as they thought it was just an argument and I'd be able to sort things out in the morning... next day my ex told me I'd have to go to court if I ever wanted to see my baby again.

Well I bloody well did go to court. 24hours later I had the injunctions needed for the police to take the baby back by court order!!

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2022 21:59

Don't talk to him. Please don't. This is all too new for you and you don't need him muddying the waters with his blaming you for HIS abusive behaviour. You've been minimized and blamed for years, it sounds like. You need time for a 're-set' of your 'self' and to discover who you really are. You can't do that with him feeding you bullshit.

What you need to do is not answer the phone for at least a few days, let him text you. Or better yet, send him a text to leave you alone and you will be in touch when you have had time to think. You need peace and calm. And support. And if your family cannot accept that you have been abused by him and support you or at the very least keep their mouths shut, then you need to find someone else to talk to instead of them. A counselor, an abuse hotline, or those of us here.

You deserve a peaceful life. You deserve to be happy.

WA and other DV organizations are used to victims (because that is what you are 'right now') who try to leave multiple times but then back away. So don't worry about calling them. They know that it takes time and courage. And once you get through this and into your new life, you will turn from 'victim' into 'survivor'!

Ddot · 11/03/2022 22:46

I got away and so can you