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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Help. Dp just fought me

305 replies

Givemelemons · 10/03/2022 23:48

Just posted a thread about breaking up with my partner. He agreed I could sleep in the bed whilst he slept downstairs until I move out with our baby. Came upstairs he refused to leave and told me to sleep downstairs. I have a bad back and this got my back up as why we broke up is because he says things then just doesnt follow through with it.

I said fine I will pack a small bag go to my parents for the night then come back in the morning. I went to turn the light on and he turned it off like some kid. After some back and forthing of this he grabbed my hand multiple times really hard so i went to turn our side light on. He then proceeded to grab my legs (switch is on the floor) and dug in really bad. It still hurts. He got the quilt and pillows and anything he could and whacked me with it and it burns. He took the light bulbs out of the socket so I cant use it. All the meanwhile his dad stood outside our door listening and done and said nothing other than keep it down.

Does this count as physical abuse? He has pushed me as well and his parents talked it down to be nothing and so has he. He was angry at the time and blamed me for it

OP posts:
Maze76 · 11/03/2022 08:02

Do and say/act in what ever way it takes for you to be able to leave this morning with your child. you don’t need to take a suitcase, just your child, passport, basics. Can you do this while he’s at work perhaps?
Do not engage the parents into conversation about last night- act ‘normal’ and leave.
You are not crazy, does it matter if people don’t believe you? The police will do what they do to keep you safe and if anyone questions that, then are they worth thinking about?.. no
Put yourself and your child first.. and good luck

BertieBotts · 11/03/2022 08:02

@isthismylifenow

OP, I know that you are stressed and had a tough night.

But posters are giving you good advice. Why are you are taking it and keep asking what to do?

Because MN is not the only source of information and support she has. Her head is scrambled. She has family telling her the total opposite and quite understandably, she doesn't know who to believe.

OP, we believe you. Yes it is abuse. Yes you deserve to be safe and your baby too. I think it would help you to speak to somebody in real life who does not have the baggage your family has. I agree with the advice to get somewhere safe and public, and phone a domestic violence helpline. You may have a local one.

Do you have a children's centre or community centre locally? Health visitor clinic? Baby drop in? These would be good places to go to talk to somebody or make a call.

LuaDipa · 11/03/2022 08:03

You need to report this to the police. They can lie and say whatever and there is no evidence to the contrary.

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 08:04

Do you have a local, open, police station or council office?

Zillamop · 11/03/2022 08:05

Where do i go? I dont want to keep dragging my child here there and everywhere

You go to the police station.

Sprucewillis · 11/03/2022 08:07

[quote Givemelemons]@loislovesstewie i have no bruises. He only held onto my legs and hand. This isnt a case of he hit me or kicked me. He was smart to only whack me with materials in hindsight. Not a scratch or mark on me[/quote]
It is still assault. It is also coercive and intimidating behaviour - recognised abuse. Please at the very least talk to womens aid today OP.

Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 08:07

@MrsLargeEmbodied maybe i do. But im a young first time mum with NO home and NO when i leave i will have nothing and the prospect of that is daunting and scary let alone accepting someone who you started a family with and wanted a future is now not going to happen.

Everyone around me tells me im over reacting and im doubting my self in real life. It maybe so that everyone on mns is telling me im not but really anonymous advice can only carry you so far especially when people in your real life are telling you otherwise

Im also running of 4 hrs sleep

Im trying

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 11/03/2022 08:07

OP, ex didn't lay a finger on me. He threatened me and terrorised me and when I eventually called the police he was all sweetness and light with them, couldn't understand why I was being so irrational. The police saw through it, they've done this a million times, and helped me leave and took me to a shelter where I was safe. Please contact the police.

Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 08:07

*no job

OP posts:
Realitea · 11/03/2022 08:09

You don’t have to have been beaten up for it to be abuse. There are ways out and support. Do the right thing and contact the police and womens aid. They can get you somewhere to stay and give you the facts as all you’ve been told so far is to minimise it and that’s it normal. It’s not

Cleanbedlinen12 · 11/03/2022 08:10

Hello, it doesn’t matter if there are no bruises on you. Women’s aid and the police have heard it all before and know how these men operate. It is a scarily predictable pattern. By saying you are popping out and then calling or dropping in to woman’s aid or the police station, you are just asking a question, you are not committing to anything, you are just seeking advice. If there is a woman’s aid or similar office near you, I would pop in. They are in incredibly understanding and supportive and will give you a hot drink and let you talk when you are ready. You are just sounding it out and getting advice and will be able to think better when you have someone who has your interests at heart to talk it through with, as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.
Hugs

Bromse · 11/03/2022 08:11

@Givemelemons

What happens to my baby
You take your baby with you of course, what else?

I can't believe that in real life people are actually advising you to leave your child behind and saying it would be best for her. Of course it wouldn't. It isn't going to hurt her to be woken and moved either, what is the matter with these people.

Your fella (or ex now, hopefully), is an absolute brute and what is wrong with his father, going along with it? Tbh, your family don't sound all that supportive with their suggestions.

What are you going to do now. You can't just leave things as they are.

Hairyfairy01 · 11/03/2022 08:12

No one on this thread is telling you that you are over reacting. Get your baby and walk / drive to the nearest open police station. They will believe you. They will help you. You don't need to live in this toxic environment or expose your baby to it. Help is out there.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 11/03/2022 08:12

Ask Women's Aid if you're overreacting, or the police. Don't be told that you are by people who have messed up boundaries, ask the experts.

PurpleDaisies · 11/03/2022 08:12

You already have a plan for leaving next week though? Isn’t this just about how to get through the next few days. I would hold my nose and go to my parents until wherever you’re going next week is available if I couldn’t manage a cheap B and B type place.

The police can help you with this. You really ought to report this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2022 08:18

As everyone else has said, the abuse doesn’t have to be physical bruises. It sounds as though you are being emotionally and physically abused.

The description of last night and his mother standing in the doorway seems to suggest you have been forced to stay in the house on more than one occasion. You were illegally physically restrained and imprisoned last night and subsequently too afraid to leave after he fell asleep. His father helped him by refusing to intervene.

Please please get help. It will be scary. This is not your fault and you should not minimise what is happening to you. You say you come from an abusive family background. It is no coincidence that you found an abusive partner.

Once you have left, I would also check you phone to make sure he hasn’t installed any tracking / location devices and turn off location for Snapchat etc.

Feralcrossmersea · 11/03/2022 08:19

Contact women's aid. They will give you and your baby a safe place to stay. They will help you get away from this abusive man. Ignore what his or your family say. They are wrong. He has already beaten you and abusers always escalate. What would you say to your child in this situation?
You can escape this toxic cycle of abuse that your mum has put up with, and give your child a better life.
You deserve a life where you are safe. Sending love to you, you can and must do this.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/03/2022 08:20

@Givemelemons

Please keep talking to us on here. You have made the very first step in recognising what he is doing is wrong and reaching out for help.

Yes this is very scary and daunting but there is lots of women on this thread that will support you every single step of the way. I have every faith that you have got this.

If police feels too daunting pop to your local childrens centre and ask for help to leave a domestic abuse relationship. They will have phones for you to use to contact womens aid.

Once you’ve contacted womens aid and are safely in a refuge I would do the following

1- call 101 in case you ex tries to log you as a missing person and inform them you have left and are safe and that he may log a missing person but you have left him for your own safety and do not wish for him to know where you are.

2 - change your phone number so he can’t contact you

3- make sure all benefits are in your name and going into your bank account. Change where your bank statements are sent and if you can’t do this open up a separate account and transfer all money into that account before spending so he can’t see where you are withdrawing/spending money.

shiningstar2 · 11/03/2022 08:25

OP if you ring the police they will come round and help you leave with whatever you need to take with you. Dial 999 explain what he did to you and you want to leave. They will come around straight away. 💐

lborgia · 11/03/2022 08:27

Do you want us to keep talking to you, or would you rather we didn't? Because you are free to stop reading. But you keep reading because where you are right now is so bad.

If you don't leave now, you won't leave until next time. Or the time after that. And each time he'll get a little more physical, a little more self righteous in his anger.

There is no point in trying to get us to stop giving you a hard time, because that's not what we're doing. We're trying to show you, through numbers of posts, through links, and personal experiences, that your not unusual, that you are not unique, that we truly KNOW and have been in your position.

Being a young first time mum means you're in an excellent position to find a better life.

Try doing all this again after 2, 3 children, when they're a bit older, when you're older, when he's starting breaking bones, or yelling at the children, but you've been in it so long, you cannot see a way out.

That's the thing. There is never a way out. Apart from putting one foot in front of the other, until you get somewhere else.

And somewhere else won't be a rose-covered cottage, with a white fence, and a rainbow over the roof. But you'll be safe. Your child will be safe.

You can't start making a better life, until you're safe.

HarleyBarnes · 11/03/2022 08:30

Right OP, action plan for today:

  1. leave, you don’t need birth certs etc, those can be replaced if needed.
  2. make contact with your local MaSH team, there will be a number on your local Authorities website.
  3. make contact with the Local authorities homeless team, explain what has happened and that you are fleeing DV
  4. make an application for benefits, you will be entitled to a lot more now that you are leaving,
  5. be sure to report last night to the police, use this thread as a timeline, as you can then use it to show the police what was going on and when. It also shows your state of mind and the fear that his family are causing you.
  6. give your little one extra snuggles and keep reassuring them everyone is ok, stories, play and time together, you will get thru this, and will find that once you are out of the situation and he is no where near you most of the time, you start to realise even more was wrong than you first thought.
lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 11/03/2022 08:34

@Givemelemons I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it will help but I was in just your situation, many years ago. i had no one, was in a new country with 4 (yes, I know...) children and an abusive husband. Whenever he hit me it never showed, he was very careful.

One day I eventually called the Samaritans because I just could not think, but I knew I had to do something. They told me how the council would help, and gave me the details so I could contact them. I literally walked in, with my children and handbag. They took me to a safe space and we stayed in a refuge for a little while.

During this the police supported me to my home and stayed with me while I packed some things. He even stood up to my ex when he was trying to ingratiate himself to the cop and appear acceptable. Everyone was so nice. I felt cared for and safe. Even in the refuge it felt good, it was far away but we were all in the same boat and I felt like I could just rest and be safe, and think. The kids were fine, there were toys, transport was taken care of and I didn't have to worry about money because there were people there to help. No one ever said they didn't believe me. I didn't realise but when I had to make a statement I just had to give an example of what had happened one time and they believed it, and not him.

The support IS there, you can trust the police and womens aid. Please be strong, for you and your baby, and take the help. You don't have to do it on your own, the services are there to support you. Good luck xx

SirVixofVixHall · 11/03/2022 08:36

OP can you go to your Mum ? I know less than ideal but maybe the best thing for now ?

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 11/03/2022 08:38

And now I've read what @lborgia said; I'm afraid that's exactly true... I never looked back or regretted leaving though... I found myself again and realised that the scared, confused 'me' was what he'd created. You're stronger than you think xx

Choccy21 · 11/03/2022 09:02

Why OP would you give a shiny shit what his awful family think? As off today, ie now, you never have to associate yourself with them ever again.
I wouldn’t care what anyone else thinks or says , you know what happened.

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