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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband slept with someone else, should I forgive him?

128 replies

Sadlytrue1234 · 10/03/2022 23:36

I caught my husband of 10 years red handed after he cheated. He slept with an ex from 10+ Years ago. Caught a conversation where they were making plans to travel together for a conference he was going to. He was super excited and had been distancing himself from me for a long time now. Sent a Private investigator after him and turns he really did spend those couple nights and days with her.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her. But still hasnt confessed to actually sleeping with her. Even tho i know they stayed in the same room.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids. Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 23:38

No and no. Absolutely not. There is nothing worth saving here.

WhoppingBigBackside · 10/03/2022 23:39

No and no

Houseplantmad · 10/03/2022 23:40

He's only apologetic because he's been caught. He'd have happily strung you along until it suited him to ditch you. Ditch him instead.

showmethegin · 10/03/2022 23:40

I don't think anyone can tell you that but I know my answer would be not in a million years.

On top of the betrayal and lies, it would completely change the way I thought about him and I wouldn't recognise him anymore

Libertynan · 10/03/2022 23:40

No

Bananarama21 · 10/03/2022 23:41

I'f you want a life of misery.

spacehardware · 10/03/2022 23:42

"Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too."

This is why your marriage is dead. Putting his penis in someone else just makes it simpler

MrsEricBana · 10/03/2022 23:42

No, definitely not, but so sorry you are going through this.

MissAngorian · 10/03/2022 23:42

Why? What benefit would there be? Infidelity, anger issues; he sounds like a real prince.

MadeForThis · 10/03/2022 23:42

Why would you even want to stay?

Original poster
Sadlytrue1234 · 10/03/2022 23:44

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

OP posts:
spacehardware · 10/03/2022 23:48

"Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?"

No

Your marriage will though. Think what you're modelling if you're worried about the kids

Nopetryagain · 10/03/2022 23:50

Divorce can leave everyone shattered but so can staying in an unhappy marriage. You need time to work out what is right for you

WhoppingBigBackside · 10/03/2022 23:53

For the sake of my kids?
Children are resilient. Miserably-married parents willl be likely to be more damaging

Maybe he’s actually willing to change.
The road to hell is pavedd with good intentions. He is highly likely to stray again, because he'll know he can get away with it

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2022 23:53

Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

No, it absolutely does not. Getting a divorce is the best thing many people have ever done for themselves and their children. Your marriage is a toxic sham. Stop deluding yourself that this man will change.

Chilesstanton · 11/03/2022 00:00

Nah you’ll never have a day of peace. LTB

Littlebylittlelittle · 11/03/2022 00:04

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?
For the sake of your kids show them how a woman acts with self respect . If you choose to start a new relationship in the future, choose someone who’s everything he’s not and show them hat a decent relationships looks like Whether you are single or in a healthy relationship , anything is better for your kids than this
LightSpeeds · 11/03/2022 00:07

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids.

^ I'm reading that as: he's been caught out and has lost control of the situation (that was benefitting him entirely). He doesn't want to find somewhere else to live or at least he wants to do it when it suits him not because you're^ calling the shots.

You need to think about what^^ you want...

janeseymour78 · 11/03/2022 00:08

I'm a child of divorce. I would rather that than my parents staying together for the kids.

My ex always said his parents should have divorced but he thinks they stayed together for him and his sister. So there you go...

Hydrate · 11/03/2022 00:20

No.

WhenPushComesToShove · 11/03/2022 00:29

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?
Maybe he wants the time to get his ducks in a row before divorcing... He's only sorry he got caught. Your gut will tell you if you just listen
DowntonCrabby · 11/03/2022 00:37

No, he has zero respect for you so you’ll have to show up for yourself and give yourself the respect you deserve. Flowers

FlowerArranger · 11/03/2022 00:40

No and no.

You’d be forever looking out for signs of further cheating. It’s no way to live. And I know whereof I speak, as does just about every woman who thought “we have too much to lose to give up over this”.

“Lose a cheater, gain a life “ (Chumplady - look her up)

MsDogLady · 11/03/2022 00:46

I’m sorry, OP, but your children are already living in a damaging home.

They are being exposed to a toxic relationship model—a dad who traumatizes his family with anger and trashes his marriage with distance, deception and cheating. He clearly didn’t value any of you while planning/enjoying his shagfest with his girlfriend. If he felt an ounce of respect or true remorse, he would have completely come clean when rumbled, but is still lying and making a fool of you.

You’d be wise to give him a sharp shock and send him away while you consider your options. In my view this faithless liar is a very bad bet for successful reconciliation.

fallfallfall · 11/03/2022 00:46

he's probably saying that to organize his finances. he will squirrel away the money over then next few months and then let you do as you please with all assets tucked away.
be prepared to be ripped off.