My husband slept with someone else, should I forgive him?

[Sadlytrue1234]

I caught my husband of 10 years red handed after he cheated. He slept with an ex from 10+ Years ago. Caught a conversation where they were making plans to travel together for a conference he was going to. He was super excited and had been distancing himself from me for a long time now. Sent a Private investigator after him and turns he really did spend those couple nights and days with her.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her. But still hasnt confessed to actually sleeping with her. Even tho i know they stayed in the same room.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids. Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?

Twice you used the phrase "this marriage" when talking about what he said as if marriage is a separate entity to the two of you. That to me sounds that he has already disassociated from your marriage, combined with his lack of remorse, lying until he was faced with irrefutable evidence, his anger issues and the amount of planning that went into his trip would suggest that your marriage is over.
He is trying to guilt you into staying put , using your kids and their possible reaction to a divorce. He hasn't admitted to sleeping with the other woman even though they shared a room. Does he want you to believe they spent their time playing scrabble ?. Time to wake up and face the reality of what he has done. He won't change

Yeah i thought of that too. Plus hes very money minded. So its probably killing him losing all his money.

”wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids”

That says it all really. The unspoken words here are he doesn’t want to save “your marriage”. You and him. Your relationship. He’s basically offering you an emotionless unromantic sham of a marriage “for the sake of the kids”.

”Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?”

Only you can decide but personally, I wouldn’t forgive him and I wouldn’t stay in the marriage.

I’m a child of parents who “stayed together for the sake of the kids”. Made me feel as if I’d deprived them of years of happiness.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her.

He didn't confess. He agreed with what you already knew. You're forgiving him for something he hasn't even owned.

Don't be a mug.

Divorce gives you a chance to blossom. A chance to find happiness alone or with a new partner. Divorce shows that we don’t accept shitty behaviour and their are consequences.

Children can still have a relationship with him and see a more chilled out happier side to both parents.

What does staying with an angry man show them. It teaches them they can behave badly, be angry and give mum little respect and that that’s ok in a relationship and that’s how to treat a woman/partner.

Look at the message you are both sending your children and don’t for one minute think they aren’t noticing stuff or picking up on angry /tense atmospheres.

Please don’t stay for the sake of the kids. If I knew my mum had stayed in an unhappy marriage on my behalf I’d be heartbroken. My mum actually did leave my dad because of an unhappy marriage and I’m very, very glad she did. I have no bad feelings about her or my childhood at all and I’m also grateful I knew from an early age what is and isn’t ok in a marriage.

Stay and repair things I’d you want to but only if you want to for you (I would advise you don’t though for various reasons).

Good luck whatever you decide and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through

It's probably not his first affair. The confidence needed to book and carry out the weekend speaks volumes. I doubt the OW would agree to go away for a weekend on a first date either. It's probably been going on for twice as long as he's distanced himself from you.

If you stay you will never trust him again. You will never not remember this. Your kids deserve better. Why would you stay? You deserve better. Get out with your dignity and look after yourself.

Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me. Because even if I could 'forgive', any trust I had in him would utterly gone. And that would mean that I'd live the rest of my life wondering if he was cheating again. Questioning everything he said or did that might seem 'off' or duplicitous. And just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would NEVER want to live like that. It eats you up inside until there is no 'you' left, just a ball of nerves and suspicions.

And as far as the family, by which you mean your children, this isn't the 1950s where divorce was a scandal and a rarity. And those few children 'from broken homes' were objects of pity. These days nearly 42% of marriages end in divorce so it's quite likely that there are almost as many children of divorced parents in their classrooms as children from 'intact' families. And these children will grow up to be as emotionally healthy as children from happy intact families. And a great deal happier than those from unhappy intact families, where the parents 'only stayed for the children' and are miserable. And divorce itself is no longer a scandal. I daresay just about everyone you know has had at least one or two divorces in their family.

Sadlytrue, it is impossible to move forward when you don’t even have the full story.

He actually expects you to believe that he and OW were just ‘chatting’ while together in that hotel room? He’s making a mockery of you, and is not going to stop cheating.

Is OW his colleague? Is she local? I assume he now has an agenda to protect his assets while going underground with his affair.

Apparently she lives in another city. Was here to visit only. I used to say cheating is a deal breaker for me too. Infact i used to jokingly tell my husband ill castrate him if he even thinks about cheating.

Guess its not that easy when shit actually hits the fan! I just need to handle my fears of being alone after divorce and handling everything by myself. Ive always had someone to look out for me plus you build a dependancy on that person in ten years. Its like a major shock to your system

He hasn't even owned up to what he has done. It is very likely it has been going on from when he first began distancing himself.

82% of those aged 14 to 22 who have endured family breakups would prefer their parents to part if they are unhappy.

He's likely stalling to protect his assets before he leaves for good.

I’ve been where you are @Sadlytrue1234. It’s a massive shock, like your whole world and future is rocked. Awful.

I tried, but I don’t believe now there’s any getting over it. And he did it again and again despite being tearful and apologetic. It won’t be as bad as you think to be alone and manage things. Honest! I was terrified, but actually was fine. You will be too 💐

You poor thing. How humiliating and he still hasn’t admitted what he did and you know full well. Only you can make that decision but I think you know the answer because that trust is utterly shattered now. It sounds like he’s more frantic to keep his money.

He is the one who should be crying,not you.. for wrecking everything in your life.

Sadlytrue, of course you are stunned and crushed. You’ve trusted and built a life with your H for 10 years.

I agree with others that his affair has been going on for a good while, online if they couldn’t meet up in person. He created the distance between you to self-justify his cheating and deception.

I admire your resourcefulness to hire the PI, and I’m sorry that H is hiding the rest of the truth. Do you have access to his phone?

God no, don’t stay with this awful man! Teach your children that this is not ok.

I left my husband who cheated on me, we'd also been together 10 years.

I didn't want to. I wanted to believe he was sorry and try to move past it. I tried. But it ate me up inside and I was deeply unhappy.

Divorcing him was the best thing I did. After I got over the apparent 'shame'. I've never been happier.

I know there are examples of people who work through cheating and say they are happy... but can they honestly say they don't lie there sometimes thinking about the betrayal? Or wonder if he's thinking of her? No they can't.
I still well up when I think about the betrayal. It's an extremely selfish for him to have done to you and your children.

I am two years out from my husband’s affair. Together 17 years. I stayed. We have a good life. He was very ashamed of what he did and has done some work on himself. I wish it hadn’t happened, it was devastating at the time but we are rebuilding trust and I am healing. He is otherwise a good person in my view and has done quite a lot of work on himself.
I may yet be proved wrong - he knows if a whiff of anything happens again it’s a very straightforward call to the lawyer for me. And he’s not a great liar so I am sure I’d know.
I think a lot depends on whether you feel other aspects of your marriage make it worth trying to save, and whether his remorse is genuine or just that he got caught. But don’t stay with him for the children at the expense of your own happiness and mental security, as they’ll be happier if you are happy.
Get some counseling, separately to figure out what you want, and together to help you figure our whether/how to work on it, or to work on successful co-parenting.

I’m sorry op, that’s shit. I have seen couples recover from an affair, but in those scenarios, the husband has always come clean, told the truth (eventually) and not tried to gaslight the already devastate wife any further. Him trying to claim they shared a room but he didn’t shag her is just fucking insulting. For you to have any chance of a proper reconciliation, he needs to tell the truth, all of it, in all it’s awful, sordid detail. If he won’t do that, if he tries to minimise and rug sweep, then no, I don’t think you can make it work. But, whatever you decide, don’t let anyone on here make you feel worse than you already do. MN is a great source of support at times but people can also be fucking unkind….anyone who stays is told they have no self respect or are a doormat etc etc. I know some bloody strong women who stayed, I also know some bloody strong women who left. If you only found out about this recently, I’m sure you will still be in shock. Get some counselling and take the time to work out what’s right for you. Because this is about you now. He made his decisions and they were fucking appalling ones which were NOT in your best interests. Put yourself first now…..

Only you know if you could forgive him. I couldn't personally.

To reconcile the cheating spouse needs to be truly remorseful. From the little you’ve said he sounds just sorry that he has been caught. He’s now in damage control. Trying to limit the damage to HIS life. An affair is highly addictive, it’s unlikely they have stopped contact completely, it’s unlikely this is the only encounter they’ve had. He’s still lying and deceiving. He’s still unsafe for you. He is a huge risk.

I do not believe once a cheat always a cheat, or that you can’t trust again, or that you’re always looking over your shoulder. I’m reconciled and very happy, I do trust my husband. I reconciled based on three things, my understanding of him prior to the affair (a gentle, kind, loving man), true remorse from him AND a period of separation where he fought to win me back and I proved to myself I could be a single mum to empower myself.

My concern with your husband is not the affair per se but the anger issues you talk about. The affair is part of larger problems within him that you and your little family can’t fix. He needs serious amounts of counselling and work to sort himself out and from what you’ve said he just wants to brush this under the carpets, possibly wait until the dust settles and start again. That will only leave you utterly miserable in the long term.

You don’t say how recent all this was but you’re most likely still in shock, you’re still processing. Surviving infidelity is a great website to read around when you’re in the position you are in. It doesn’t push divorce or reconciliation but does help you unpick what remorse looks like to help you decide on you and your families future moving forward.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know how utterly devastated you must feel. But just remember you are worth more than his current treatment of you.

No

I’ve cousins who’s parents stayed together for the kids and they all wished they’d split. It was fucking miserable for them. The second the youngest left uni they divorced.
Dont stay with someone who clearly has absolutely no respect for you.

If he is sleeping around, he can and will meet somebody for whom he decides to leave you. He doesn’t care about your marriage.

Plan your divorce now and demonstrate strength & resilience to your children. Don’t let him spring it on you in two years when you’ve “reconciled” and are pregnant again.

Absolutely the fuck not. The reason he’s “sorry” and wants to “sort it for the kids” is so he doesn’t have to leave and can continue living comfortably with you at home to run back to. You don’t want to be in a relationship where all you can do is wonder what he is up to 24/7, get him gone.