My husband slept with someone else, should I forgive him?

[Sadlytrue1234]

I caught my husband of 10 years red handed after he cheated. He slept with an ex from 10+ Years ago. Caught a conversation where they were making plans to travel together for a conference he was going to. He was super excited and had been distancing himself from me for a long time now. Sent a Private investigator after him and turns he really did spend those couple nights and days with her.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her. But still hasnt confessed to actually sleeping with her. Even tho i know they stayed in the same room.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids. Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?

I would only take him back under strict rules. You don’t want a repeat of this so if you do, set boundaries. I know someone who did take their husband back and they are still happily married with no other issues but they put rules in place and still stick to these 20 years later

@Sadlytrue1234

Apparently she lives in another city. Was here to visit only. I used to say cheating is a deal breaker for me too. Infact i used to jokingly tell my husband ill castrate him if he even thinks about cheating.

Guess its not that easy when shit actually hits the fan! I just need to handle my fears of being alone after divorce and handling everything by myself. Ive always had someone to look out for me plus you build a dependancy on that person in ten years. Its like a major shock to your system

Trust me, I've been through it. In my case it was after 22 years, and I'm not saying it was easy. I spent a lot of time waiting while he decided what he wanted until I had a light bulb moment and thought "Why am I hanging around waiting for him to decide what will happen in my life?", and I told him to leave. And do you know what? I was heartbroken still, angry , jealous, tearful, but I'd have been all those things anyway. What I found was that being by myself was not scary. I'd never dealt with finances, now I was able to save a little every month, starting with saving 50p pieces and putting them in the bank every month. Little things like making my house more feminine brought a smile, as did not having to consider anyone but my kids. It didn't matter if I didn't fancy cooking and had toast or cereal instead of dinner, When my children left home I had freedom and often decided to take myself away somewhere when I had a couple of days off. Maybe not far, but a night in a B&B with a new book. Single life has a lot to recommend it. I'm very happily remarried now, but I often look back and wonder why I was so scared at the thought of being alone.

No

I wouldn’t.

Wouldn’t ask the opinion of strangers either, though.

Go with your own gut.

Divorce does NOT leave everyone shattered. My kids are doing great as am I as my decision has left us all happier. He’s told you “for the sake of the kids” not for you or your marriage….it’s not a mentality I really understand. Why show your kids an unhealthy relationship. Get rid, he got caught, he wouldn’t have told you the raise. Shows how much he thinks of you.

No way. He’d just get smarter at covering up future affairs whilst minimising the financial impact of divorce on himself.
You’d never be able to fully trust him again.

Errrr. No. He's a knob.

I should have also added that my father waited to leave until 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. He then effectively made himself unemployed, so my mother got no spousal support or child maintenance. She was awarded half the equity in the house, but debts/bank charges (the mortgage hadn't been paid in over 2 years by the time the divorce went through) swallowed a lot of it … technically my father still owed her about £30K but he then disappeared abroad, so effectively that even the private investigator my mother hired couldn't find him.

I'd bet dollars to donuts your husband is only thinking about protecting 'his' money, not you or your children.

I'd never stay with someone who cheated. The marriage is over, if you stayed with him you would never trust him again - don't do that to yourself or have the kids in that environment. He continued to lie even when you had proof.. he won't change.

He also has anger issues - fuck him off.

I think when you got to the stage of hiring a private investigator, your marriage was over. You didn't spend that cash or take that step on a whim, you were desperate for your intuition to be confirmed and it was. Now are you going to ignore that wonderful intuition and take back a lying cheat? What on earth was the point of establishing the truth then?

Absolutely not.

Cheating is shite enough at the best of times but the planning and deceit involved in this case would have me pointing at the door.

And if that wasn’t enough, the anger issues would be.

The myth that families are ‘shattered’ by divorce is a lie invented by the patriarchy to keep women in shitty marriages doing wife work for shitty men.

No kid wants to see their parents split up. But no kid wants to grow up watching their mum get sadder and sadder because their dad treats her like shit.

I know people who have cheated. Close family member did it for years. Wife found out forgave and he came back- ow turned his head time and time again. Hes married to her now.
Friend went through it and "worked it out" but its never the same and her husband gave up his hobbies that had lead him to the affair but she still has no trust. Ive watched her give up her 30s by being miserable and never truly happy again.

Its easy to say what you WOULD do. But even if i brought dh back i would never forget and our relationship would be tarnished forever

Leave him for the sake if your kids.

Know your worth and teach your kids the same.

Once a cheater always a cheater. So no.

I was miserable under the roof of my clearly unhappy parents. Divorce hasn’t affected me negatively what so ever, but then being together did.

Don’t use your kids as an excuse to stay, it’s unfair on yourself and quite cowardly. Leave, show your children that you have strength, dignity and deserve to be respected.

Pretend to forgive him.

Find out about all the money situation and go see a lawyer.

Then dump his sorry cheating arse.

My aunt once told me my dad had said to her he couldn't believe how un-fucked up me and my sister were considering we were children of divorced parents. My aunt responded that it was because of the divorce we turned out ok. My parents staying in a shit marriage for our sake would have been the thing to ruin our childhoods, not the divorce

@cleanbreak2022

So my experience, I caught my ex cheating (he made a pocket call and left the recording on my voicemail).

We moved on, worked on it. Have everything I could to make it work.

I am now just going through separation because he has done it again (worse this time).

What I have come to realise, is he learned from his mistakes, the mistakes he made which got him caught. He upped his game. The guilt and hurt for him wore off. The only lesson he learned was how to get away with more.

From one hurting woman to another, you only need to put yourself through this once, I've done it multiple times and wish with my soul I had the courage to walk away.

I think of now all the wonderful opportunities that may have passed me by whilst I was working for a future with my family. I was the only one working at it, working at it so hard, I didn't notice he wasn't.

Don't be me

@cleanbreak2022

Well done on your new life.

OP listen to this

OP, he is STILL lying to you. he says they didn't sleep together, yet spent a weekend in the same room.
Of course he bloody slept with her.

If he was serious about changing and working on your marriage, he wouldn't be starting that off by still bloody lying. Does he think you are stupid? Plus, he's only admitted to what you already know. There will 100% be much much more you don't know about.

Absolutely get rid of the lying cheating scumbag. Why on earth would you stay with someone who has disrespected you in such a monumental way, and is STILL doing it?

Do not stay for the kids. You can give your kids a much happier life if you are happy. Will you be happy wondering everyday who your DH is off shagging every time he's out of contact or away with work?

And remember, you are not the one who has broken up their family. He did that. 100% on him.

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry :( I don't know you, but I can categorically say you deserve better than this.

Could you even forgive him? I know I'd end up hating my husband every time I looked at his cheating weasely face. I would become argumentive; slight grumbles about housework, money etc would include digs about how he's a cheating rat. If you did decide to stay with him, you'd need to know that you can both forgive and forget, and erase it all from your mind... otherwise it's no way to live. Personally, I couldn't and would go from a nice, placid person, to a wrathful witch.

Bear in mind that this is a man who is supposed to love you. He isn't supposed to make you feel heartbroken, unsure of yourself, and like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Your partner is supposed to build you up, not crush you. His devious little affair has shown no regard for you whatsoever, and he lied even when you caught him out. If he loved you - really loved and respected you - he wouldn't have hurt you like this.

Will you always wonder who he is with, if the ex is back in the area, and if he is still in contact with her? Does he love her, or will he just accidentally fall into any passing vagina now? I know I would find myself combing through text messages and emails, looking for telling body language and accusing him of all sorts, even if he was faithful from now on (and i consider myself a level headed, rational kinda gal).

I have a close family member who was cheated on; they literally went into denial as though it never happened. Still trusted their spouse with things that would make us suspicious, and entirely missed the signs two years later when another affair came to light. Even if you feel like you can still trust him, it's not worth the hurt to drag it all out, only to be cheated on again.

Finally, staying together for the kids is a terrible reason to make a go of it. Children aren't stupid; they will pick up on the vibe, the rows, the awkwardness, and they will tell you in the end that they'd rather you just ended it as opposed to dragging it out. It'll suck for them initially, but your husband should have thought about that before he decided to be unfaithful.

In the longrun, it'll work out for everyone if you put yourself first and kick him out. Besides, why spend more of your life with someone who will probably make you resent him, preventing you from moving on and finding someone fantastic down the line (maybe a Scottish, kilt-wearing Millionaire. Yum!).

I really am sorry you are in this situation. Just remember that it's not your fault, you deserve much better, and you don't have to make any decisions immediately. Take whatever time you need to regroup, but know that you have the strength to move on and be happy again xx

Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

No, happiest day of my life so far

Just take some time.

You don't have to decide right now.

I'd get him to sign over some money or put some just in your name as a good will gesture.

Whatever you decide now doesn't have to be forever. You can ask him to leave for breathing space. You will be able to thank clearer with space from him. You may decide you are happier without him or miss him and want to let him try and be a better person.

Don't be pushed into a divorce by people who aren't you and aren't living your life and in six months won't even remember your username.

No shame in divorce. No shame in staying.

He's not even accepted what he's done and been honest with you now. He's not going to stop doing this as he doesn't see it as an issue. He'll cheat again as he has no respect for you to own up to it and properly apologise.

If you want to continue being married to him, then that is your choice. But accept that he is likely to keep doing it, and that there is no mutual respect in your marriage. You can't expect change and loyalty from a man that cannot be honest.

I think if you went to the trouble of a PI, you should divorce him. You are worth more than that.
Friend found the same with her husband. He begged forgiveness. 9 months later she found the hidden phone... he had carried on.