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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband slept with someone else, should I forgive him?

128 replies

Sadlytrue1234 · 10/03/2022 23:36

I caught my husband of 10 years red handed after he cheated. He slept with an ex from 10+ Years ago. Caught a conversation where they were making plans to travel together for a conference he was going to. He was super excited and had been distancing himself from me for a long time now. Sent a Private investigator after him and turns he really did spend those couple nights and days with her.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her. But still hasnt confessed to actually sleeping with her. Even tho i know they stayed in the same room.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids. Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 11/03/2022 08:45

What is your financial position like? Can you afford your mortgage? Can you work?

Can you bear to stay there whilst you retrain yourself in a different career that will allow you to be financially able to survive without his money.

What a despicable man. The woman is no better. I would be contacting this woman - not to have a go but to inform her that incase she didn’t realise this man is married with children.

JedEye · 11/03/2022 08:53

Don’t stay OP you will forever regret it.

hoadinthetole · 11/03/2022 09:02

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

Nope. Divorce was the best thing I did. Kids were 5 and 3 when it happened, they're 11 and 9 now and doing absolutely fine. They're happy well rounded individuals. Do you want your children growing up thinking this is ok? If you have a daughter would you be happy if she stayed in this situation? Or If your son was treating his wife this way?

Divorce won't break you, staying probably will.

Ohmybod · 11/03/2022 09:19

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

I never understand why people think they should stay for the sake of their kids. My mum did this and it made our lives absolute misery. We picked up on everything - the resentment, the bitterness, the passive aggressive behaviour and then there were just open blazing rows. My mums emotional needs were met by her kids as she wasn’t in a fulfilling trusting relationship with my dad. I had several unhealthy relationships as a young adult due to the model I was served up at home and it was only in my thirties when I could afford therapy did things improve.

Unless you can guarantee you and your DH will be absolutely committed to getting things back on track and going to marriage counselling and putting the cheating behind you, then I’d say staying together for the kids is an awful idea.

Put you own happiness first here and their happiness will follow.

Squeezyhug · 11/03/2022 09:22

How will you ever be able to trust him? You’ll constantly be worrying about what he’s up to and that’s bad for your mental health. And surely it must be a huge turn off now you see him in a different light?

Staying “ for the children” is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

You may be able to keep the house and he moves out while paying the mortgage.
I would think he’s not remorseful of what he did but now he’s petrified he’ll lose half his assets or more and needs time to hide his money, perhaps before leaving you in the future when it suits him and the kids have grown up.
See a solicitor for advice.

Leave for you and the children !
Protect yourself !

spacehardware · 11/03/2022 09:22

Agree with PP. my mother forgave my fathers cheating repeatedly both before and after they had kids, she told herself she was keeping the marriage together for our sake but really it was because she was scared. We didn't know about the previous affairs until - surprise surprise - we hit the difficult teen years snd he left her anyway

Don't waste a decade or more of your life OP

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2022 09:23

You should do what you want, but it sounds to me like the marriage is long over, and he’s just worried about loosing his cook/housekeeper/nanny.

Do you want to be that for him?

Thought not, so don’t engage right now. But gather all your point financial info over the next few days, see a solicitor re how the money will play out, make a plan - and then tell him it’s over.

Staryflight445 · 11/03/2022 09:36

He knew what he was doing, he planned it and knew her.

If it was a random one nighter with someone he didn’t know that would be different.

Show your children that you respect yourself op.

RockinHorseShit · 11/03/2022 09:39

No,

& if you feel the need to send a PI after your DH, your relationship is already dead in the water. Move n, you deserve way better than this

chiangmai · 11/03/2022 09:44

Sadlytrue1234 please do not use your DC as an excuse for staying with a cheat. Your an adult and make your own choices about what you find acceptable. If your happy staying with a man who has cheated on you , lied and is still lying. That is a choice you have made.

I wouldnt be staying with him as I grew up with a father who cheated a lot and ran off with OW. I have zero tolerance to cheats. My mum put up with him and he still left her. Very sad that she didnt feel able to separate

Justilou1 · 11/03/2022 09:44

Honestly, he’s STILL lying to you. He obviously thinks you’re thick enough to fall for it. Do you want your kids growing up in a home with that kind of atmosphere? You will always resent him. He will always feel like he has one over on you and he WILL cheat again, plus it will be harder to leave the longer you stay. You won’t respect yourself either. Growing up in a home with parents in a Cold War is horrible.

unluckyinlife · 11/03/2022 09:45

Absolutely not. Leave.

You will spend the reminder of the relationship wondering if you can trust him.

Would you want your child to stay in the same situation?

Curiousendeavours · 11/03/2022 09:50

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

This response indicates to me that regardless of how many essays Mumsnetters produce on 'why you should leave him' you'll stay.

And he will likely do it again.

BlingLoving · 11/03/2022 09:55

The fact that you felt the need to send a private investigator after him is NOT a good sign. I do not think this one is saveable, sorry.

LadyBird9163484 · 11/03/2022 09:56

Kick him out to go & live with OW

Claim child maintenance via CSA

Get the divorce started

You need to get angry !

Don't waste another second on him - your ex !

pilates · 11/03/2022 10:00

I couldn’t forgive and forget.

It was too organised for it to be a drunk one night stand, sorry.

Grapesandapples · 11/03/2022 10:03

@spacehardware

"Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?"

Your marriage will though. Think what you're modelling if you're worried about the kids

Agreed! My lovely DH is divorced with kids after repeatedly being cheated on by an awful woman. The kids are happier and healthier and so is he. And they are learning what real love, trust and respect is in a relationship. It was incredible how damaged the kids and DH were when we met. They are totally different people now and so much better for it.

Don't torture yourself. I was repeatedly cheated on too before DH and I am so glad I got out. Take care.

cleanbreak2022 · 11/03/2022 10:05

So my experience, I caught my ex cheating (he made a pocket call and left the recording on my voicemail).

We moved on, worked on it. Have everything I could to make it work.

I am now just going through separation because he has done it again (worse this time).

What I have come to realise, is he learned from his mistakes, the mistakes he made which got him caught. He upped his game. The guilt and hurt for him wore off. The only lesson he learned was how to get away with more.

From one hurting woman to another, you only need to put yourself through this once, I've done it multiple times and wish with my soul I had the courage to walk away.

I think of now all the wonderful opportunities that may have passed me by whilst I was working for a future with my family. I was the only one working at it, working at it so hard, I didn't notice he wasn't.

Don't be me

beck01 · 11/03/2022 10:14

If they're still in contact through your 10 year relationship she is going no where but you need to. With it being planned out like that... he'll be at it again in no time.

Also, why just for the kids? I read that as he doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

cherryonthecakes · 11/03/2022 10:19

It sounds like your h is sorry he was caught. I would guess that he's more embarrassed about his family and friends knowing than how wrong affairs are.

He's not telling you the whole truth yet. That's a deal breaker. You can't forgive what you don't know and he doesn't respect you or feel bad if he can't tell you what happened. Lying and gaslighting is abusive and you deserve better. Cheats tell their spouse the bare minimum when they were discovered. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't his first affair and that this had been going on much longer.

I've never heard anyone say that they are grateful that their parents stayed married for their sake. I've heard the opposite actually - they wish that they weren't used as an excuse because it's a heavy burden to bare and they were relieved when divorce happens. Parents are relationship role models to their kids. How would you feel if your children stayed married even though they were unhappy? When he was treating you badly, I bet your children saw this and weren't being treated well either. He could be a good dad on the days he saw them post divorce.

noirchatsdeux · 11/03/2022 10:29

I wish to God my mother had divorced my father after the first time she caught him cheating - I hadn't even started primary school. Instead she put myself and my two brothers through 15 years of hell, during which my father merrily kept on cheating. He finally left her for another woman when I had just turned 21. Her marriage meant more to her than her 3 children.

Like @cherryonthecakes said, I don't feel gratitude - I feel angry that we were used as an excuse. My mother felt (still does) that my father 'owed' her financial support for the whole of her life because she had children. That's the real reason she didn't get rid. A terrible example ... and she now wonders why she's got no grandchildren.

Howareyouflower · 11/03/2022 10:31

@Sadlytrue1234 Do you realise how insulting that is? That he wants to make it work for the sake of the kids? He should want it to work because he adores you. Though obviously he wouldn't sleep with someone else if he did. No, he's worrying about losing his easy comfortable life and it costing him money. Pack his stuff and tell him to go.

bigdecisionstomake · 11/03/2022 10:39

@Buildingthefuture

I’m sorry op, that’s shit. I have seen couples recover from an affair, but in those scenarios, the husband has always come clean, told the truth (eventually) and not tried to gaslight the already devastate wife any further. Him trying to claim they shared a room but he didn’t shag her is just fucking insulting. For you to have any chance of a proper reconciliation, he needs to tell the truth, all of it, in all it’s awful, sordid detail. If he won’t do that, if he tries to minimise and rug sweep, then no, I don’t think you can make it work. But, whatever you decide, don’t let anyone on here make you feel worse than you already do. MN is a great source of support at times but people can also be fucking unkind….anyone who stays is told they have no self respect or are a doormat etc etc. I know some bloody strong women who stayed, I also know some bloody strong women who left. If you only found out about this recently, I’m sure you will still be in shock. Get some counselling and take the time to work out what’s right for you. Because this is about you now. He made his decisions and they were fucking appalling ones which were NOT in your best interests. Put yourself first now…..

This is a really excellent take on the situation. I think if he'd come clean about it then it might be worth discussing giving it a go. But he hasn't. He has still tried to lie and obfuscate.

Personally I don't think there is any happy way back from that but only you can make that decision.

Any decision you make at this point can't be worse than the one he has already made so give yourself time and space to think through what you want and how best to achieve it.

JimmyDurham · 11/03/2022 10:45

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?

DW's parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids". She says it made her childhood hell and MIL finally agreed it was a mistake.

SpilltheTea · 11/03/2022 10:46

It's ridiculous to stay 'for the children'. Why would their lives be any worse if you split up? Mine wasn't. It's not divorce that hurts children, it's shit parents.
He doesn't want to stay for them anyway. It's an excuse for not wanting to give up his current lifestyle.

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