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Original poster

My husband slept with someone else, should I forgive him?

128 replies

Sadlytrue1234 · 10/03/2022 23:36

I caught my husband of 10 years red handed after he cheated. He slept with an ex from 10+ Years ago. Caught a conversation where they were making plans to travel together for a conference he was going to. He was super excited and had been distancing himself from me for a long time now. Sent a Private investigator after him and turns he really did spend those couple nights and days with her.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her. But still hasnt confessed to actually sleeping with her. Even tho i know they stayed in the same room.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids. Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 11/03/2022 14:16

Men cheat because they think they can get away with it. l heard a man at work say his wife would probably stop doing his washing for a couple of weeks if she caught him having an affair, that's how entitled he was.
I would much rather be alone than stuck with a man l couldn 't trust.

SartresSoul · 11/03/2022 14:17

You’ll never trust him again. He got caught, I doubt he’d have come clean had he not and their affair probably would have continued. He hasn’t even had the decency to be completely honest with you so is still lying. Divorce is the only way forward I’m afraid.

walkingbaby · 11/03/2022 14:24

You had to hire a private investigator. That's enough to end the relationship alone let alone the investigator coming back with actual proof!

Onthedunes · 11/03/2022 15:05

It's over

Regardless of whether you stay together or not.

Many things have ended, your trust, love, peace of mind, loyalty and respect.
It's very hard continuing a life with a person who you no longer like and I'm sure you don't.

What's to like? this man purposefully did this for his own ego, not just for the sex but to get one up on you, even though the end result could be divorce, separation or a life long hatred of him.

You will find everthing hard now, if life was hard before it's going to be 100 times worse now., and not just in the short term this will affect you forever, however well you manage it.

Marriage should not be about one upmanship, only you know if you have a player on your hands and think as a pp poster said he will just become better at hiding stuff. I honestly think these men that continually cheat hate their wives and their lives and you can't fight against that.

A different mindset has to be gotten to, at the moment you are hurting and can not see anything but rage, fear, sadness and feeling unsafe but in time your thinking will become more balanced.

By the sounds of it you are still young, still much life ahead of you and if you start to open your eyes and look there are other options. You now have no obligation to this man in terms of remaining faithful, start thinking of how it would feel to have someone caring and loving you instead of thinking the person who you are with hates you.

He's not a kind man, he hurt you intentionally, why would you think someone like that would change into a nice, kind person ?

You deserve better and there is better out there, not all men behave this way.

BOOTS52 · 11/03/2022 18:16

No way as it is not that he was with another woman but the lies, disceet and the disrespect to you and your kids and the marriage. He is only acting like he is sorry because he got caught. I bet you he is still in contact with her and will see and sleep with her again. You need some time apart from him now to think without him there what it is you really want. Could you forgive and ever trust him again and move forward or would you always be wondering he is meeting another woman when he is away. This will break your confidence and cause you so much emotional and mental anguish. I know I could not forgive someone who supposedly loved me who put their dick in someone else and was messaging and flirting and planning meet ups. No way ever. I would get checked for std's also and seek advise from a solicitor. But if you can forgive then that is your choice but he is only acting sorry as I said before because he was caught out. So sorry you are going through this.

Suzi888 · 11/03/2022 18:25

I couldn’t. I’d never trust him again and there’s no way I could live like that.
Even worse than an affair- he’s lied to your face.

FlowersSorry OP hope you find the strength to leave and make a new life.

MrsGHarrison87 · 11/03/2022 19:52

Absolutely not.

Malibuismysecrethome · 11/03/2022 20:16

To me marriage is about intimacy and trust.

MsDogLady · 11/03/2022 21:01

How are you doing, Sadlytrue?

Original poster
Sadlytrue1234 · 12/03/2022 01:20

@MsDogLady trying to cope with it all one day at a time. Soak it in. I have a feeling itll get reallyyyy depressing really fast once the divorce gets real. :(

OP posts:
caringcarer · 12/03/2022 02:04

No, divorce does not leave everyone shattered. Living with a cheat leaves everyone unhappy. Bin him off and look for a more loving partner. You will find someone else if you want to to. I lefty husband of 21 years when he cheated and remarried a much nicer and loving man. The moment I found he had cheated I put all his clothing in bin bags in garden, got locks changed and text him to come move his stuff.

Hawkins001 · 12/03/2022 02:08

@Sadlytrue1234

I caught my husband of 10 years red handed after he cheated. He slept with an ex from 10+ Years ago. Caught a conversation where they were making plans to travel together for a conference he was going to. He was super excited and had been distancing himself from me for a long time now. Sent a Private investigator after him and turns he really did spend those couple nights and days with her.

I confronted him and at first he lied about everything and then when he saw that i have proof he confessed to spending time and chatting with her. But still hasnt confessed to actually sleeping with her. Even tho i know they stayed in the same room.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids. Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

Should i forgive him? And stay in this marriage?

It shows sometimes that distance of year's, does not always dilute the emotional connections.

All the best op. How much was the pi ?

bluesberry · 12/03/2022 02:11

No.

The way you felt leading up to hiring the private investigator is just the start of it. You will keep feeling that way and will never feel safe and secure in the relationship again. The doubt will always be there.

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids

Has he even said he wants to fight for you, that he wants it to work because he wants you?

Squeezyhug · 12/03/2022 05:26

So he stayed in a hotel room with her but didn’t shag her?
Does he think you’re not very intelligent or something ?

If he confessed all and was willing to discuss it and change , yes there might be a chance it will work.
But he’s lying which doesn’t bode good.
He’s not got your interests at heart.

No don’t give him another chance.

Be strong and dump him.Flowers

NameGoesHere · 12/03/2022 06:53

Ltb

TheVanguardSix · 12/03/2022 06:58

Nah. I wouldn't stick around for a nanosecond.
Yes, it will get depressing once the divorce kicks in. But by then, so will your anger, which will see you through. Anger is necessary and it helps drive us through divorce. You've been betrayed. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. I'm on my second divorce and really, in both cases, I was a good wife! My first husband had an affair. My second husband sexually abused our daughter. So here I am. Two shitty marriages under my belt... but I see it as emancipation. Who wants to live out their lives with such miserable men who shit on their own doorstep? Raise your standards and your self love, OP. Flowers

TheVanguardSix · 12/03/2022 07:06

Now hes apologetic, wants to change himself and wants this marriage to work for the sake of the kids

yeah... let me translate that for the OP. This means, "She's really fucking good at doing my laundry and she can create magic inside a slow cooker and fuck me I do NOT want to pay maintenance and rent a shitty flat I'll see my kids in every other weekend."
It's the typical language of a dickhead who didn't think before he saddled up. Assclown.
Why would he leave 'comfort' for the unknown? Believe me, if his side dish had House Beautiful in Perfect Place, UK all ready for him to move into, he'd be gone in a shot. (Many, many) Men love comfort more than people. Marriage is safe and comfortable. It's his much better option and he knows this. Does that make it worth longhauling life with a betrayer?
Do not take this as a personal attack, OP! You are not 'less than' in any way, shape, or form. You just deserve SO much better than this terrible behaviour, as do your children, whose wellbeing he has compromised... and for what???

unicornsarereal72 · 12/03/2022 07:27

My ex cheated on me when Our first born was around 2. We got past it and moved on. Only for him to do it again and probably more times than I'm aware of.

He has no respect or loyalty to you. Otherwise it wouldn't of ever happened.

Don't be me. Take your dignity and start again. You deserve better

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 12/03/2022 08:01

@Sadlytrue1234

For the sake of my kids? Maybe he’s actually willing to change. I know right now whenever i look at him, all i do is cry, but maybe… given time? Divorce leaves everyone shattered doesnt it?
No it didn't leave me or my dc shattered at all. Divorced 6 years and dc 17 & 18 we talk about it openly and they have both said they prefer it now we are apart. He's a twat no you shouldn't forgive him, have some self respect.
Scbchl · 12/03/2022 08:03

Id get rid of him for the anger issues alone tbh.

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/03/2022 09:19

God no. Don't even consider it. I'm sorry. You're worth so much more.

Taleas0ldastime · 12/03/2022 14:51

No, im really sorry you're going through this but he's not sorry and he won't change.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 15:01

Fuck no.

Anger issues? Run.
Kids shouldn't be raised in a house where their mother tolerates that shite. Not unless you want them them grow up and date similar nasty, cheating scumballs.

Be a responsible parent and lead by example: don't stay with partners who treat you with disrespect, lies, contempt and betrayal.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/03/2022 16:58

[quote Sadlytrue1234]@MsDogLady trying to cope with it all one day at a time. Soak it in. I have a feeling itll get reallyyyy depressing really fast once the divorce gets real. :([/quote]
Yes, probably. But then it will get really 'light' and peaceful once you realize how much happier you are.

This is what you have been living with:

Before this event, he had been distancing himself and pushing me away every chance he got. He has anger issues too.

You think you won't be happier without him? You will and that happiness will happen much sooner than you think!!!

Malibuismysecrethome · 12/03/2022 17:28

I have friends who are older now who put up with this behaviour from their DPs when they were younger. Without exception they loathe their DP’s now, really loathe them and lead separate lives they have nothing but contempt for them now.