How did you know you weren't in love anymore?

[treasure47]

My husband and I have recently separated but still living together. Getting along actually better than before we (I) made the decision but it's confusing because I find myself thinking "do I really want to separate? Things aren't that bad".
But I have no desire to be intimate or affectionate with him, I'd have to force that, it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. I also don't particularly look forward to him coming home or spending time with him, we have different interests now. I'm sure I just love him as a family member or friend.
How did you know you didn't have those feelings anymore?

Trying to stick to my decision (after over a year of turmoil and going around in circles) and not just think it's easier to stay for the sake of DS.

Some of these replies make me wonder if I'm valid in how I feel. DH isn't a bad person and although I don't always feel appreciated, he does still care. He loves me.
From my side, I just can't shake this feeling that we're not right for each other anymore. I don't feel like I'm with someone I look forward to spending forever with. I was reading interviews about Hilary Duff's divorce with her first husband (they had a son the same age as DS when they split) and she was saying how she doesn't think some relationships are supposed to last forever, and hinted at the fact that yes, marriage takes work but in their case it wasn't working well enough to stay together and I get that. They seem to have separated "with love" for each other and co parent and get on well now - this is what I want! How does this happen I wonder?! 😅
Could also relate a lot to Adele's divorce "I wasn't miserable miserable but I knew I would be if I didn't put my happiness first" (or something like that)
I just feel like this awful selfish human who'd be destroying everyone's lives!

@FingerBubble I have discussed with my siblings (both my parents have passed away) They were so relieved for me in regards to me realising H was gaslighting and in their words 'draining me of life'
I would normally be very vibrant and sociable, H is quite stagnant, a decent man but with some really dysfunctional behaviours. I do feel I walk on eggshells shells most of the time and don't voice my true feelings as am just not able for the silent treatment as it's so diminishing. Ironically, am full of fun with my DS and in every other aspect of my life ! My siblings do understand that financially constraints make it more difficult to leave as we all live in different countries and I don't have anywhere to go initially. I did ask H to move out to give me some headspace. He refused

@FingerBubble post as often as you need to. It really helps if you are having spiralling anxiety or circular feelings. It helps me immensely as I never feel judged here !

I’m feeling encouraged that I’m not alone by this thread. I think a few have mentioned reading the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, I have read it too and the main points are the sex/intimacy part and that we don’t communicate very well, neither of us are good at talking and bringing things up. Well it is usually me because DH buries his head in the sand and would just carry on as normal. Anyway it just makes it difficult to leave when things are ok, he’s a nice man, we get on as friends etc., don’t argue, no abuse or toxicity. But like many here I just go round in circles and feel I could just keep doing that forever.
I was on antidepressants for a year a year or so back and now getting counselling, but I’m still here and feeling stuck. It’s just so so difficult, I feel for everyone….

@FingerBubble you read "too good to leave..." and said only a couple of the decision questions came up as leave. IIRC at the end I think the premise was that if any did you'd be happier leaving. Now whether your partner would be is another matter. But even if a partner isn't happier, you cannot know that they would have been if you had stayed. We never get to see the alternative histories. All we can do is try to behave with integrity through each step. When my W and I began our emotional affair and then left our partners for each other we behaved awfully to them. I knew it then and can own it now. You don't have to stay, but don't be me about how you leave.

But maybe now talk to people in real life. I have done that and had some interesting feedback. It may help clarify if you do the same. Of course you have to remember that they only know what you tell and show them. It can be all too easy to get the answers we want.

It is really hard doing this process, holding these feelings. I wish you well.

Do I have the right to increase my happiness by decreasing someone else's?" That's very insightful, @Notsuchaniceguy*. thank you.

That's exactly what I wrestle with.

@Notsuchaniceguy. I never got to the end of the book “Too good to leave…” I’ll have to finish it off! Thanks for pointing that out.

I knew I wasn't 'in love' any more when I stopped with the whole butterflies thing when we saw each other.

I knew I didn't love him when I felt physically ill at the thought of him touching me

It's made me cry reading all these replies, because it's my position too. I don't know anyone IRL in this situation.
I'm 35 and I'm a sexless marriage. DH throws a fit when I bring it up, stating it's difficult for him too but he just doesn't have a sex drive.
I've got two children under 4 and it all stopped when we conceived the second child.
I had a very difficult, abusive childhood overshadowed by a bitter divorce and warring parents. He knows damn well I'll do anything to keep that from happening to my children.
He uses porn and has tried to hide it, but I have found it. Says he won't do it again then just hides it a different way.
I went to see a solicitor and I'm screwed financially. I'll lose everything if I leave and won't be able to buy another house. I'd have to change the kids schools and nursery, move to a different area, sell my car etc etc.
I told my mum some of what was happening and she basically said that if I'm not being abused I need to stick it out.
I was gutted she said that tbh.

But to answer your original question, it was a slow burn for me. It started with an argument and him saying some truly hurtful things about my appearance and personality.... the things I enjoy he took great pleasure in mocking me for. I thought I would be angry for a few days and it would subside, but the 'lovey' feeling never came back. I felt I couldn't say it. Seems trivial but when he said it to me and expected a reply, I just couldn't say it. It felt icky. Then I started planning my evenings around myself, my programmes and books etc, not really factoring him in. And now thinking of him cheating on me or finding messages is almost a relief. As many others have said, they almost long to find some incriminating evidence to give them the boost to leave.

I fell 0ut of love over the last two years especially last year I’ve coped for years with depression grumpiness the money spending one day it’s gapes y=then weed or baccy or now herbal stuff now he’s gone spiritual again means more money wasted.

@Notsuchaniceguy

I’ve not read that book but I’ll take a look, thank you

My DH has been making an effort since I told him, for the first time, how unhappy I was. But I know him, he thinks it’s because he ignored Valentines Day, or was really drunk last weekend. He can’t grasp that those are just the straws that broke the camels back. It’s so much more fundamental. Urgh. I can feel my resolve to do something about it weakening, it just feels like an enormous black hole.

I can’t stop thinking about all the red flags and opportunities to end it before we lived together, before we were engaged, before we were married, before we had kids. It’s not healthy, I know I need to speak to someone about it

@nova99

It's made me cry reading all these replies, because it's my position too. I don't know anyone IRL in this situation. I'm 35 and I'm a sexless marriage. DH throws a fit when I bring it up, stating it's difficult for him too but he just doesn't have a sex drive. I've got two children under 4 and it all stopped when we conceived the second child. I had a very difficult, abusive childhood overshadowed by a bitter divorce and warring parents. He knows damn well I'll do anything to keep that from happening to my children. He uses porn and has tried to hide it, but I have found it. Says he won't do it again then just hides it a different way. I went to see a solicitor and I'm screwed financially. I'll lose everything if I leave and won't be able to buy another house. I'd have to change the kids schools and nursery, move to a different area, sell my car etc etc. I told my mum some of what was happening and she basically said that if I'm not being abused I need to stick it out. I was gutted she said that tbh.

But to answer your original question, it was a slow burn for me. It started with an argument and him saying some truly hurtful things about my appearance and personality.... the things I enjoy he took great pleasure in mocking me for. I thought I would be angry for a few days and it would subside, but the 'lovey' feeling never came back. I felt I couldn't say it. Seems trivial but when he said it to me and expected a reply, I just couldn't say it. It felt icky. Then I started planning my evenings around myself, my programmes and books etc, not really factoring him in. And now thinking of him cheating on me or finding messages is almost a relief. As many others have said, they almost long to find some incriminating evidence to give them the boost to leave.

So sorry you're going through this. Why would you not be okay financially? That's something I worry about a lot. If I knew I'd be okay financially (obviously I'd be worse off than I am now, but as long as I knew I could manage), I'd feel so much calmer.

Not getting support from your mum makes things so difficult too. Mine has been the same at times although usually ends up being supportive eventually, she just goes about it in an odd way sometimes and she's sad about the situation so has bias.

[quote FingerBubble]@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Your post really resonates with me too - The part about the good bits being for other people, the children, the outward image of a happy stable family. I can’t contemplate the upheaval of actually doing anything about it, but I feel frantic at the thought of living like this until my youngest is an adult.

I would be overjoyed if he came home, told me he’d met someone else he loved, and we could work out how to co parent civilly[/quote]
Could’ve written this.

I am reading all these posts and they resonate so much.

I didn’t even know who I was when I met my DH, I was 21 and desperately trying to create what I thought was needed to feel happy and fulfilled (a stable relationship, loving home, basically everything I didn’t have modelled to me when I was growing up which was in a home where there was DA). I truly thought I was happy but now I am 35, with 2 children and I feel so lost.

We had some marital problems a few years in (I was 27/8) with DH meeting/messaging another woman after a night out. Never got to the bottom of it, pregnant with our second child and I was terrified of being on my own, how id afford to support us, failing etc and so we stayed together.

I wish I’d been stronger then, now I just feel stuck. My DH has truly worked so hard, is super supportive, pulls his weight round the house and with the children as during 2020 I told him I was unhappy and things have improved. I no longer feel like I’m doing everything on my own, we get on really well, parent together, have 2 very happy children and to the outside world everything looks perfect but I just don’t feel it.

My heart’s not in it but I cannot bring myself to break up our family and uproot everything my children have ever known and yet in years to come, if this was my daughter, I’d absolutely be telling her that she deserved happiness too.

I get it, I empathise, I’m glad I’m not alone.

Makes me sad that there are so many people like this. Maybe it just proves that people aren't meant to be with the same person forever (although I'm sure there are definitely people who are and are very happy together).
The "perfect" life from the outside is definitely something I feel too. I just know that if people found out we were separating everyone would be shocked and probably a lot of people would think I was being stupid and selfish because there's a child involved.
If only we could get a glimpse into the future to see what would happen either way!!

I realised my 1st marriage was properly over when I started acting like I was single and I did cheat towards the end.We hadn't had sex in years.

@treasure47

Makes me sad that there are so many people like this. Maybe it just proves that people aren't meant to be with the same person forever (although I'm sure there are definitely people who are and are very happy together). The "perfect" life from the outside is definitely something I feel too. I just know that if people found out we were separating everyone would be shocked and probably a lot of people would think I was being stupid and selfish because there's a child involved. If only we could get a glimpse into the future to see what would happen either way!!

@treasure47 We had told our families and friends we were separating. I don't really know what his family said, but almost everyone I told basically said it was about time. My lovely mum told me when we'd been together only a few months that I had lost my sparkle. I was quite annoyed at the time as I totally disagreed. We were discussing it last week and she said "don't you remember what I told you in the very beginning". That made me so sad, to think I've spent 21 years as a shadow of my former self. The trouble is that she's made a return!!! I am so desperate to live, to party and have fun. I'd love to try and do it with him but he just doesn't feel the same. He wants us to stay together, spending time with DD, watching a with a pizza at the weekend and there has been no sex for over a year. It is so bloody difficult isn't it.

@donesomethingterrible did you expect that reaction from people? Do people now think you got back together?
I guess just goes to show maybe people do pick up on things!
I sort of feel like I'm not myself when I'm with him anymore. I used to feel like that, he used to be my favourite person to spend time with, and we'd always have a laugh together but it seems like the fun has just gone. I just feel like I need "more".
I think his family would take it very badly as they're of the thinking that people should stay together no matter what, even if they're unhappy, unless someone cheats or something.
I do wish I didn't feel like this - of course I'd rather be happy in the family that I planned for and wanted etc. But I don't want to "pretend" my way through my life either. It is really difficult. In so many ways I feel more "me" than ever, like I've always had this version of myself in there somewhere.

Sex was possible but kissing became unbearable.

Little sec here now I don’t care not interested he said meds ok yes to a degree but was interested in pleasing me much. There’s some else Id climb him like a tree drop dead gorgeous and I don’t care if I’m judged I’ve had too much unhappiness and crap in my life. If it happens it happens.

Oh I’ll have left before then anyway.

Sorry meant not interested in much intimacy.

[quote treasure47]@donesomethingterrible did you expect that reaction from people? Do people now think you got back together?
I guess just goes to show maybe people do pick up on things!
I sort of feel like I'm not myself when I'm with him anymore. I used to feel like that, he used to be my favourite person to spend time with, and we'd always have a laugh together but it seems like the fun has just gone. I just feel like I need "more".
I think his family would take it very badly as they're of the thinking that people should stay together no matter what, even if they're unhappy, unless someone cheats or something.
I do wish I didn't feel like this - of course I'd rather be happy in the family that I planned for and wanted etc. But I don't want to "pretend" my way through my life either. It is really difficult. In so many ways I feel more "me" than ever, like I've always had this version of myself in there somewhere.[/quote]
@treasure47 very insightful. Your idea of the hidden person inside. I think, if we are reflective and willing to listen to others and willing to change our views, then we grow. And growth takes us to unexpected places. Sometimes painful ones and realisations that the people we knew 'back when' have sometimes gone to other places, sometimes places we cannot be. And that is sad and hurts both us and them.

But to deny one's own change is dangerous. It will lead to bitterness and resentment. I think if I leave W she will be very hurt and afraid and angry and feel shame that she has 'failed'. If I stay I will become bitter and resentful and hurt her and she will hurt me back. For many years.

I said above that to split is to gamble on being happier. Thinking this through again , if the problems are that love has truly gone, perhaps the choice is more - stay and know you both will suffer for evermore or leave and know that you will suffer in the short term but may be happier in the end.

[quote treasure47]@donesomethingterrible did you expect that reaction from people? Do people now think you got back together?
I guess just goes to show maybe people do pick up on things!
I sort of feel like I'm not myself when I'm with him anymore. I used to feel like that, he used to be my favourite person to spend time with, and we'd always have a laugh together but it seems like the fun has just gone. I just feel like I need "more".
I think his family would take it very badly as they're of the thinking that people should stay together no matter what, even if they're unhappy, unless someone cheats or something.
I do wish I didn't feel like this - of course I'd rather be happy in the family that I planned for and wanted etc. But I don't want to "pretend" my way through my life either. It is really difficult. In so many ways I feel more "me" than ever, like I've always had this version of myself in there somewhere.[/quote]
Again, this really resonates with me. My husband's parents have been married for 50 years. God knows what they have in common - they don't appear to have any common interests - but they've been together since they were teenagers and are not the type to divorce, under any circumstances. They were surprised I married my husband (I'm a lot more glam than his past gfs) and will probably not be overly surprised it didn't last. I know my family aren't exactly shocked, because they did worry that we were a bit 'chalk and cheese' right from the get-go.

My sister reckons marriage isn't natural for everyone - especially these days now it's normal for people to live until their 90s - and I think she's probably right.

I said above that to split is to gamble on being happier. Thinking this through again , if the problems are that love has truly gone, perhaps the choice is more - stay and know you both will suffer for evermore or leave and know that you will suffer in the short term but may be happier in the end.

@Notsuchaniceguy this is exactly what makes it less of a gamble, and what I hadn't thought of until my counsellor made me aware. Going through separation is painful, guaranteed, but temporary. And at the end of it there is the chance you will be happy again. Staying where you are will be permanently painful. The only way is to take the chance.

Yes to the point about permanent pain vs temporary anguish - hard as it is to think back on the last ten years, I can’t contemplate how awful it would be to live this lie for the next ten, twenty , however many years

BUT I would be causing pain to my children. I just don’t know if I can do that to them. I empathise with the other posters in the same position, you spent your life protecting them , so to be the person inflicting the worst hurt on them is so so hard to think about

I know once I mention it in real life to anyone other than DH, that will be it, the genie will be out of the bottle - I have never, ever discussed my relationship with anyone, because I knew I was making a mistake marrying DH (it was a whirlwind, I was on the rebound) and if I’d opened up about my doubts my friends and family would have encouraged me to end it as they hated him but it was like I was on a. Self destruct mission.

As someone said up thread, I lost my sparkle the day I met him

And (apologies for rambling on someone else’s thread, but it is my only outlet at the moment) I think I need to stop dwelling on my DH’s faults. He is good man in many ways, and he has no more faults that me or any other person, and I feel like they are almost beside the point - there is literally nothing he can do, no practical steps he can take to make me love him . I just don’t and, I now recognise, I never have. It’s not a case of “if you start bringing me flowers, telling me I’m beautiful and asking me about my day, then all will be well” It won’t be, it’ll just make me feel guilty if I don’t play along, and I’ll resign myself to pushing my emotions aside for another decade