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Original poster

Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
HoldingTheDoor · 07/03/2022 23:06

I am completely baffled by this idea that pretty much anything is A OK so long as it turns you on. It doesn't matter if it's potentially lethal or could leave someone brain damaged or is misogynistic, if it helps you get your rocks off, it's fine.

CupcakesAndCastles · 07/03/2022 23:06

@Friendofdennis

Horrible Shows a hatred of women
I hope my partner doesn’t hate me…
CushionSpiral · 07/03/2022 23:06

@CupcakesAndCastles I like PIV sex. But if a man did this to me without my permission/without warning or discussing this first, it is rape and sexual assault, which is what the OP is describing, a sexual assault that took place. No one is saying your normal sexual practice is normal or not, and you are completely missing the point of the thread. If I posted a man had sex with me without my consent, no poster would come on and say “but I like PIV sex, am I abnormal”. It’s not about you.

nightwakingmoon · 07/03/2022 23:07

but there should be no kink shaming

Bullshit. Some “kinks” are basically just about enjoying and normalising abuse. The whole “no kink shaming!” rubbish is purely about pressure (on women in particular) to not say “no, some things really are unacceptable and damaging, and it’s okay to push back against them being normalised”.

And as for the “sex is different for everyone” — I hate to tell you, but there are a limited number of options available, to be honest; and the vast majority of every human on Earth was conceived using one or other of them Grin

BeHappy91818 · 07/03/2022 23:08

@HoldingTheDoor

I am completely baffled by this idea that pretty much anything is A OK so long as it turns you on. It doesn't matter if it's potentially lethal or could leave someone brain damaged or is misogynistic, if it helps you get your rocks off, it's fine.
You do realise men like to be choked too…

Nothing misogynistic about it. It can and does happen both ways.

longwayoff · 07/03/2022 23:08

No it's not normal, you should have kneed him. Then he could be asking if it's normal for a woman to do that when he's put his hands round her neck unasked and you could have told him it's the absolute least he should expect. Get rid of him.

geojellyfish · 07/03/2022 23:09

Ugh, all these people victim blaming or trying to make their own enjoyment of choking relevant.

Is it normal to be choked without prior discussion during a sexual encounter? No, it absolutely isn't, nor should it ever be. The OP consented to sex, not choking. Just as consenting to sex is not a free pass for your partner to initiate anal penetration.

Discussion of whether choking is normal in other circumstances, between consenting adults is entirely irrelevant.

PenStation · 07/03/2022 23:09

Just be direct. Meet him and ask him about it. Listen to your gut instinct, not just his words.

HoldingTheDoor · 07/03/2022 23:09

Nothing misogynistic about it. It can and does happen both ways.

Funny how it's almost always the women who die in these supposedly consensual "sex games" gone wrong though.

FionaMacCool · 07/03/2022 23:10

@CupcakesAndCastles

What makes it so so sad?
That sex has to be turned into violence to be enjoyable for some. Thats what's sad. I am not going to go along with any story that normalises it.

We know lots about the psychology of how sexual desire evolves and for whom pain is part of the pleasure.
It's never so for people who have experienced solid loving relationships as children.
Thats what is sad.

I know, I've set myself up as a target on this thread- but so be it.
There are too many threads on here, that reference some porn-sick man inflicting pain or degradation on a woman....and some purported female posters come along to say they "love it" or it's kink shaming to disagree with it.

You may have your kinks, but dont try to mainstream them, or insist to some shocked woman, that's its normal and everyone does it.
They dont.

PurpleDaisies · 07/03/2022 23:10

@PenStation

Just be direct. Meet him and ask him about it. Listen to your gut instinct, not just his words.
Why would the op put herself in that position? He choked her without her consent on their first sexual encounter. Who wants to be with someone like that?
Toseland · 07/03/2022 23:11

This is horrifying. I wish there was a way to forewarn the poor women who will sleep with this guy in the future. I think you should turn him down and tell him why. Just on the chance that he’s been misled, he could have a chance to change.
Isn’t it disgusting that a population’s sexual styles are dictated by the minds of some men directing the porn movies.
Also this surely diminishes or ruins sex for women - fear and joy don’t go together? Also if this becomes normal what’s next?

HRTQueen · 07/03/2022 23:12

I agree about kink shaming

How many women are being abused by men carrying out their so called kinks

Far far too many

I really feel for young women how they are expected to be degraded during sex for make gratification

HRTQueen · 07/03/2022 23:12

*male

PurpleDaisies · 07/03/2022 23:12

Isn’t it disgusting that a population’s sexual styles are dictated by the minds of some men directing the porn movies.

It’s also disgusting how some posters are blaming the op for this having happened to her.

impossible · 07/03/2022 23:13

Well done OP for asking this question and being assertive now you've read the thread.

Going forward, don't be coerced into anything you feel uncomfortable with. Even if something is 'normal' in another person's opinion, if you don't like it don't accept it. You are your own advocate and must prioritize looking after yourself. That way you'll demand respect and appreciate the value of a respectful relationship.

There will be someone great out there for you, perhaps a few. Good luck!

yourestandingonmyneck · 07/03/2022 23:13

@BeHappy91818

I like being choked. It’s pretty normal and I wouldn’t even consider it a kink.
@BeHappy91818 can I ask what you like about it, please?

And how old you are?

I've never tried it.

BeHappy91818 · 07/03/2022 23:13

@HoldingTheDoor

Nothing misogynistic about it. It can and does happen both ways.

Funny how it's almost always the women who die in these supposedly consensual "sex games" gone wrong though.

Oh here we go 🙄
MissSmiley · 07/03/2022 23:14

@IsThisNormalOr

Thanks for the comments everyone. I think I would be able to tell him that it wasn't ok, but I doubt I'll be seeing him again after reading all these comments! I'm fairly inexperienced. He seemed really nice and normal and I was hoping that it was just because we were both so wasted.
If you can talk to him about it and discuss properly then I'd give him another date, lots of people like it, most people on mumsnet don't.
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/03/2022 23:14

What seems to be becoming more normal is young women being coerced into thinking it's normal and something they have to go through even if they don't like it. There have been too many cases recently in the news about women being killed by choking during sex.

This. Why the hell does someone want to do that to you?

MadForBurpees · 07/03/2022 23:15

Now I'm. REALLY going to sound old fashioned but seriously - sleeping with a man you have just met - he will think he can do what he wants. This isn't right at all. I am anti porn, anti lap dance/strip club and I don't believe that any of this bollocks "empowers" women but I do believe in the Madonna/whore complex. It's not right but it's there. I'm not defending that guy - he's scum - but please don't give yourself away.

ThisisMax · 07/03/2022 23:15

Im a guy and in my 40's and what friends back on the dating game/newly single have told me is that this stuff is the new norm esp amonst younger women who probably have experienced it from younger men. I think its pretty awful, there are lots of things wrong- force, consent, permission, normalising of violence. Its not a kink its abusive.

CushionSpiral · 07/03/2022 23:16

@PenStation

Just be direct. Meet him and ask him about it. Listen to your gut instinct, not just his words.
Fuck no. She was sexually assaulted and she should give him a second chance/see what he says next time?
BeHappy91818 · 07/03/2022 23:16

@PurpleDaisies

Isn’t it disgusting that a population’s sexual styles are dictated by the minds of some men directing the porn movies.

It’s also disgusting how some posters are blaming the op for this having happened to her.

The OP wasn’t even upset by it until everyone told her she should be Confused
HoldingTheDoor · 07/03/2022 23:16

Oh here we go 🙄

Yes, women being murdered under the pretence of sex games going wrong is really deserving of an eyeroll.

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