Choking during sex, is this normal

[IsThisNormalOr]

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

IsThisNormalOr good for you. I think it’s wise to only date again (especially old) when you feeling you can manage the tricky scenarios that so many are facing now

swallowingrazorblades I shall do and yes you are right. I shall also not use the term breath play (unless making on judgement on this ridiculous term)

Well done OP 👏

@swallowingrazorblades

Please for the love of Mumsnet stop calling it choking!!!! It's non fatal strangulation. It doesn't sound as cool then does it?

WTAF you sound like an apologist

Well done for getting rid of this one, OP. He was clearly an arsehole with no regard for your welfare or safety. Who the fuck does that on a first date?

I think the whole choking debate is very interesting and, unsurprisingly, it always draws such strong reactions.

I used to quite like DP applying pressure to my neck, not because I wanted to feel lightheaded or degraded, but because I enjoyed the sense of being overpowered. My motivation came from the same place as being tied up. It was always something we discussed extensively and agreed on beforehand. I'm not a "cool girl", I'm a 47 yo woman who is confident in what she enjoys. I don't tolerate abusive behaviour.

Then I read a 42 page paper published on Fetlife about choking and strangulation in the context of a safe sane and consensual kink. The conclusion was that the risks of permanent injury or death could be mitigated to an extent but not entirely removed. It referenced a married couple who regularly waterboarded until, one day, she accidentally gave him a permanent brain injury.

From that point on, I made it very clear to DP that he can put a hand on my throat, in much the same way he'd wrap a hand around my wrist, but there was to be no pressure applied at all. It's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Many posters have correctly highlighted that violence to women is an increasing feature in porn and I don't doubt that an entire generation of young men are growing up to think that violent sex is "normal". However, I think it's too simplistic to argue that any person putting a hand around a partner's neck is a porn obsessed murderer in waiting.

@ronjobbins How does someone pointing out what it is - in a less glossy term than choking - sound like an apologist?

Sorry but I find all this detailed minutiae of what turns you on it's incredibly tedious, is there a point or are you just trying to sound 'cool'?

It's in response to posters who say that this kink comes from porn and men. That women have been coaxed or manipulated into ""enjoying"" it by men and that they don't actually enjoy it. So, I shared my own experience of discovering my kinks - separate completely from porn and men, in retaliation to the idea that we are all just subjected to these things by violent perverse porn addict males... Because that's not necessarily the truth.

I honestly thought that was obvious!

boring people to death going on about your sex life and then telling yourself that we're only not interested because we're prudes? grin

You think you're clever but didn't even understand the context. People on here have expressed a view that women don't naturally enjoy this type of thing.

Porn 🤮

WTAF you sound like an apologist

No, she’s calling it what it is - a form of strangulation. “Choking” is technically inaccurate (the person receiving the pressure might choke as a result of the strangulation” but the person performing the act is strangling their partner to a greater (fatal) or lesser (non-fatal) extent. The PP is making the point that we’re talking about one person strangling another and that that’s a far less sexy way of putting it than some of the euphemisms people use to make it sound more acceptable.

telling yourself that we're only not interested because we're prudes? grin

Why do people put words in other people's mouths? I haven't seen that pp use the words prude or vanilla once. I, for one, don't use them, because I don't look down on people who don't enjoy what I do.

Good on you, OP, for getting rid, and it was on Women's Day

@PleaseDontDriveMeBlind

Sorry but I find all this detailed minutiae of what turns you on it's incredibly tedious, is there a point or are you just trying to sound 'cool'?

It's in response to posters who say that this kink comes from porn and men. That women have been coaxed or manipulated into ""enjoying"" it by men and that they don't actually enjoy it. So, I shared my own experience of discovering my kinks - separate completely from porn and men, in retaliation to the idea that we are all just subjected to these things by violent perverse porn addict males... Because that's not necessarily the truth.

I honestly thought that was obvious!

You also shared on another thread that you have 'severe body issues' and that you have trouble leaving the house.

So no, not normal, and you might want some therapy on why being non-fatally strangled and held down excites you so much.

WTAF you sound like an apologist
No, you've misread/misunderstood. swallowingrazorblades is saying that people calling it 'choking' makes it sound cool, whereas giving it its accurate name of non-fatal strangulation reveals it for what it is. swallowing is on the same side of the argument as you.

another thread that you have 'severe body issues' and that you have trouble leaving the house.

Yes, issues with my weight. It's not related to the kinks, my kinks started to appear way before my weight issue . But of course, it all must be connected, because everyone into BDSM needs therapy. Thanks for the laugh . I really don't think many therapists would give a shit about rough sex and some of them probably enjoy it anyway.

Have a problem with feeling fat in your mid-late 20s? Well, that must be related to the kinks that you realised you had in your teens.

Either way, the kinks appeared without the help of porn or boyfriends, that was the point.

so no, not normal

Nowhere did I even claim it was "normal". Literally the only point was "it doesn't all come from porn and men".

The issue here is the same issue for everything in a relationship. If you're not comfortable, it's not for you.

The guy I'm seeing now done this to me the first time we had sex. He didn't even come close to choking me, just put his hands on my throat. He also pinned my arms above my head and gently bit me. I had never been so turned on in my life.

We spoke about it after and I told him that I had liked it. I'm glad we didn't speak about it before because I would have said I'm not into that.

Op didn't feel that way, she felt uncomfortable so did the right thing, cutting contact.

I have absolutely not been conditioned to like this and it's nothing at all to do with pleasing a man. It's to do with pleasing me. It's really frustrating that so many people assume you have issues if you like rough sex. I don't have issues, I didn't even know I liked it until very recently.

@PleaseDontDriveMeBlind

another thread that you have 'severe body issues' and that you have trouble leaving the house.

Yes, issues with my weight. It's not related to the kinks, my kinks started to appear way before my weight issue . But of course, it all must be connected, because everyone into BDSM needs therapy. Thanks for the laugh . I really don't think many therapists would give a shit about rough sex and some of them probably enjoy it anyway.

Have a problem with feeling fat in your mid-late 20s? Well, that must be related to the kinks that you realised you had in your teens.

Either way, the kinks appeared without the help of porn or boyfriends, that was the point.

Do you think the kink appeared by magic?

Various men wrote, screen wrote, approved, produced, directed and acted out that scene that affected you so much. BDSM 'innocently' inserted in kids/teenage programmes is the oldest trick in the book.

It might be nice living in 'men never affected me' world but back on planet earth...

acted out that scene that affected you so much. BDSM 'innocently' inserted in kids/teenage programmes is the oldest trick in the book.

It might be nice living in 'men never affected me' world but back on planet earth...

You know full well what I mean. Posters are saying men coerce women into it and women do it to please their partners. That it is the males in relationships that instigate these things and expect them.

The points you are making aren't really relevant because my example was only against it coming from porn and men (as in partners that women sleep with).

Are you being obtuse on purpose?

You seem to miss the point entirely, whether TV shows encourage kink is different to "women do it to please their boyfriends and don't really enjoy it" which was what I was replying to in the first place.

Ah, a name change fail from me there

If you want to date him you could tell him you don’t like that sort of thing and see how he reacts.

On the other hand, lots of other men out there...

@OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg

WTAF you sound like an apologist

No, she’s calling it what it is - a form of strangulation. “Choking” is technically inaccurate (the person receiving the pressure might choke as a result of the strangulation” but the person performing the act is strangling their partner to a greater (fatal) or lesser (non-fatal) extent. The PP is making the point that we’re talking about one person strangling another and that that’s a far less sexy way of putting it than some of the euphemisms people use to make it sound more acceptable.

Thanks, you get it! Only on Mumsnet could someone point out the actual facts and highlight their significant concerns about the increased acceptance of being strangled as the norm be called an apologist!

You seem to miss the point entirely, whether TV shows encourage kink is different to "women do it to please their boyfriends and don't really enjoy it" which was what I was replying to in the first place.

Your point was that you got into it through a TV programme. So completely relevant.

You said you were not influenced by men, but you were. And you have other issues which you may also be in denial about.

OP as one single mum to another the best piece of advice I can give you is to be comfortable in your own company. It can be really lonely at times especially when they are young but I learnt to love that time.

When I needed company I saw friends and family.

I know it sounds simple but loving yourself and your own company means you won't compromise when it comes to relationships.

I did start dating again eventually and found a fab partner but by that point I had worked on myself, so putting up with porn soaked arseholes was definitely off the agenda.

Well done for binning the dickhead.

'You think you're clever but didn't even understand the context. People on here have expressed a view that women don't naturally enjoy this type of thing.'

But only some women do enjoy that type of thing. A minority of all women, but an increasing minority of younger women. A minority supposedly liking this type of thing just as violence to women's bodies became the dominant theme in porn .

Supernatural, Potter were/are very big subjects on Tumblr, Wattpad etc. Erotic and (wholly imaginary) male homo-erotic fanfiction is written and consumed by women and girls on those platforms. Social contagion on Tumblr and laterally on TikTok has been written about already, and cannot be underestimated.
On the feminist forum Ovarit, a poster has a thread about how the language in various long-running fandoms changed to the 'Choke me daddy' narrative very, very recently.
I've just noticed it in passing, with regard to the muscly actor playing Reacher on Prime. In no time before the past decade, would the first few responses be to paraphrase 'he can beat me senseless' 'he can choke the life out of me' stuff. No mention of...you know...actual sex .
It's pretty sick. It's pretty pathological.

@ThrowawayBerna - absolutely! I occasionally read fanfiction erotica for one or two long running fandoms, largely because it’s traditionally been written with a big focus on female pleasure and what women actually like, as a complete antithesis to mainstream visual porn. (It’s not like there was never the odd BDSM fanfic too, but again, the focus was on female pleasure.) Another element of being female-focused was that it is mostly written about what the characters are experiencing, rather than how they look or how they’re performing.

Now, just in the past couple of years, I really do notice a lot of this “choke me daddy” stuff, as you say, suddenly appearing - written as far as I can tell almost exclusively by young women (teens and early twenties, often clearly by girls with little or no actual sexual experience). Along with it has appeared elements of porn sex, like squirting and shaved bodies, slapping on the face, “cum play”, anal and contemporary porn obsessions that aren’t really female focused at all — in fact they are often comically anachronistic sometimes (it’s always a bit of a jolt to the old psyche to read about characters who are supposedly living four or five decades ago having a porn wax, or whatever, that was definitely not what they would have been doing in the 1980s )

On a serious note though I do find it really concerning, because it often goes along with this idea that women are desperate to be slapped, called obscene names, hurt and dominated during sex, and that this must be something essentially arousing to women because porn says so - when the whole appeal of that erotica was originally that it was very much not a porny aesthetic of male pleasure at all.

This thread makes me anxious for my still little daughter. What happened to vanilla sex bring the norm? Why do women have to be beaten, choked or whatever as part of a normal sex life? I find that really disturbing. Do what you like but anything that can be harmful shouldn't be seen as normal or "just" a kink.