Choking during sex, is this normal

[IsThisNormalOr]

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

There's a good article here on the subject.

www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex

There are a lot of people who think this all comes from men. No man has ever asked that of me and I've slept with over 25 different men. I've always had to be the one to bring anything BDSM-related up, and I was definitely then seen as "sexually freaky" and abnormal. . I am mid 20s, it's not my experience that this comes from men at all. Maybe I have just never came across these porn-fuelled sadistic males.

Is it so unbelievable that a woman could develop this kink of her own accord? The assumption seems to be women have been coerced or manipulated into thinking they enjoy it by men, that the whole thing comes from men. I don't really understand that.

Well some have certainly been coerced into thinking if done right it’s safe

That is utter nonsense

It's very simple.
He wanted to choke you because he found it a turn on.
It did not even cross his mind that you should get a say in that, let alone care whether you would enjoy it.
That means that he will do anything to you that he wants to do because your enjoyment, consent, even participation is irrelevant to him.

Even if you absolutely loved this kind of thing, his behaviour was completely inexcusable.

You are well rid of him.

Yes, stoppinby, really, that's the comparison I'm making. Have you found it disturbing? Abusing women, good; abusing dogs bad? Do what you like with your own body, nobody cares. Persuading others that your own preferences are everyday normality is also your choice but, as you have pointed out, others don't have to agree with you and promoting abuse, of any kind, to any living creature is, rightly, generally accepted to be unhelpful and harmful. "Just because you don't get it doesn't mean others dont".

*I would even dignify this bullshit with a proper response.

When the fuck can a hand around the throat be compared to incest.

You absolute muppet.*

I said incest or child abuse roleplay - just in case you’re finding it hard to read - which is what DDLG “kink” is - it’s short for “Daddy Dominates Little Girl”, which is a very popular sex “kink” involving playing out incest and child abuse fantasies. Lots of online “communities”, young women being trained up to like it, and so on.

Is that a “kink” you think unacceptable then? If it’s just roleplay what’s the harm etc.? Or does your reaction suggest that you think choking = okay kink but DDLG = not okay?

You seem to be dishing out a lot of cool kink advice without knowing very much about it, tbh.

Never ever accept something you don't like sexually.
That texted he sent you smacks of porn mentality and with it being such a short relationship, that man is a toxic sexual pest. Congratulations on passing on a bad choice when you feel it. You will find someone it is just dating sites are like a harem went pick and choose from, stay careful and safe.

I'm in my 40s and have slept with a few guys in their 20s over the past few years. 4/5 times were awful and involved either physical or psychological abuse/assault in the name of being 'sexy'. I could just be unlucky, but it seems to me that 20 years ago men were more interested in making a woman orgasm and not in subjecting her to violence - in fact, I never experienced anything like that when I was younger. The expectation of anal, choking, hitting, spitting, deep throating - this is all violence against women dressed up as something 'sexy', and if you object then you are a prude, same old same old. Young women go along with it, say they like it even, because they want to be 'cool girls' - it's so sad, and I probably would have done the same. It's all come from the explosion in violent porn in the mainstream. It seems like porn directors have to escalate further and further, bringing in more and more extreme practices and normalising them, all to the detriment of women. I've had a bit of casual sex in my time, and I just can't take that risk any more, each time recently I ended up traumatised. You have done the right thing in blocking this guy - his follow up message at best showed a complete lack of social skills, and at worst that he just views you as a hole to play out his fantasies on. You don't have to give up dating completely, but as you are inexperienced I think you need to be aware of the kind of attitudes a lot of men have now to casual sex, it's all about ticking boxes on their porn to-do list with whatever victim presents herself. Don't have sex with someone until you feel you can trust them, perhaps even have a conversation or mention what kind of thing you are into first so they know that they can't just violently assault you and get away with it. Don't be too upset about this one and chalk it up to experience.

@IsThisNormalOr

Can I also add, he isn't that young (as it seems to be coming up about this being common with young guys), older than me anyway. 41.

Either there's a trend emerging, or we slept with the same person. I hope it's the latter because a trend like this is very dangerous. Yes, we got on really well, yes it was first time, no he didn't ask, yes he is well-built and an older man. I thought activities like this were always within the boundaries of a BDSM agreement. Done correctly, the BDSM lifestyle works on mutual respect, safe words are established beforehand, etc. I also blame porn for making it seemingly 'mainstream' to randomly choke women during sex. If they have their hand around the woman's throat when they orgasm this is potentially lethal.

@Lime37

I like it but no way on a first date and definitely without a prior conversation. Do not have a second date it is a massive red flag

Exactly this

Not normal for a first time. If you were in a long term relationship with a man you knew inside out and he was a decent person, it would still be a bit weird (unless you specifically wanted this and asked that he do it, but even then it should only be very lightly done, not proper chocking IMO).

For him to try this on the first occasion isn't ok. Very worrying sign. Are you sure you can trust him ?

@heyitsthistle

I don't watch porn, and neither does my DH. It's something I've always enjoyed since I started having sex.

As in they put their hands around your neck or they actually do it try to stop you breathing ? I'd put the first scenario with holding your arms down but I just find the choking very weird. How is that adding to pleasure ?

@pitstoppop they do the choking thing because that's the only way they can get off on sex, these types - it's not that they want to stop the woman breathing, it's about control. They get off on control.

No way is that normal. He should have asked if you wanted to do that. If he likes to choke women during sex, I imagine he likes the fantasy of killing them. His chokes will probably get harder each time. Run away and never look back.

I just couldn't trust someone who gets off on strangling someone, even if the person consents to it.

There's something wrong with someone who enjoys hurting others regardless of whether it's justified/necessary/consented.

@longwayoff

Yes, stoppinby, really, that's the comparison I'm making. Have you found it disturbing? Abusing women, good; abusing dogs bad? Do what you like with your own body, nobody cares. Persuading others that your own preferences are everyday normality is also your choice but, as you have pointed out, others don't have to agree with you and promoting abuse, of any kind, to any living creature is, rightly, generally accepted to be unhelpful and harmful. "Just because you don't get it doesn't mean others dont".

Perhaps it might help your comprehension if you reread my original post

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it was just for a few seconds and you were pretty drunk.

It would definitely be something I would bring up though to see how he reacts to what I had to say about it.

My comment was in regards to how I (YOU KNOW ME..... NOT EVERYONE ELSE) would feel about it and deal with it.

I can't see anywhere where I pushed the OP to accept it feel it was ok for her..... I guess you can??

My final response to someone I found crossed my boundaries (in my opinion in a minor way due to the duration and the fact he stopped very quickly of his own free will) would be made after I discussed how I felt and gauged their reaction.

You are a crazy sod and I wont be discussing this any further with you.

@Beautiful3

No way is that normal. He should have asked if you wanted to do that. If he likes to choke women during sex, I imagine he likes the fantasy of killing them. His chokes will probably get harder each time. Run away and never look back.

'If he likes to choke women during sex, I imagine he likes the fantasy of killing them' For the love of god, why is MN so extreme.

Is it not possible to enjoy some elements of kink without being brandished a mass murdering, incest paedo!

First date, un discussed is not cool. However, as part of a discussion, and mutual engagement, some people find choke play a turn on in a relationship.

And no, I don't watch porn, nor do I have daddy issues, nor do I aspire to being killed during sex. Just find it a turn on.

@IsThisNormalOr

Thanks everyone. I'm a single mum in my 20s and have only had 1 proper relationship before which was their father. To be honest, this has made me realise I'm not ready for dating. I've actually just received a random drunk message from him as he was out with his friends telling me he can't wait to see me again to ram his hard d*ck in me. Urgh. Block.

So now you know, it wasn't an error it is what he likes, how he sees women.

Block and run, should you ever see him again. He is a dangerous man, one who probably sees himself merely as a macho, real man. Possibly one who shows his women a good time. And that only makes him more dangerous to ALL women he meets.

Be grateful that whatever your repsonse was it didn't make him angry whilst you were vulnerable.

How the hell any relationships get going these days is beyond me. Makes me glad I am so very old!

Why do you want to one prodded by a penis. Let's unravel that.

Lack of oxygen to the brain dear? Strangulation will do that to you.

@StoppinBy

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it was just for a few seconds and you were pretty drunk.

It would definitely be something I would bring up though to see how he reacts to what I had to say about it.

God, this is depressing. I'm so relieved that this wasn't used as a way of subjugating women when I was younger. I can't believe that any woman sleeping with a man who is essentially a stranger would ever think it would be ok to be partially strangled. Or for that matter, someone you know well.

Excusing it with alcohol is dangerous too. Oh well it's ok, he only strangled me because we were both drunk. What the fuck is the world coming to?

These absolute cool girls on here are making me cringe
'But I really like it..' yeah course you do. Obviously also only have male friends and all women are jealous of you

'If he likes to choke women during sex, I imagine he likes the fantasy of killing them' For the love of god, why is MN so extreme.
Well, what else is strangling someone if not imitating murdering them? There's literally no other situation where you would strangle someone apart from to physically attack them and potentially kill them. I was strangled in the street by the man who sexually assaulted me, it's very f*cking real for me, my life flashed before my eyes. Men who do this are turned on by scaring women, dominating them, acting out violence or actually physically harming them (when they accidentally on purpose get too rough). Why would you want to be with a man who enjoys pretending to be like the man who assaulted me and caused me PTSD for 2 years? Who enjoys watching women be terrified that they're going to die?

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it was just for a few seconds and you were pretty drunk

So not long enough to kill you hopefully. And only if neither of you were fully compos mentis. Righty ho.

And you're having a laugh to call women who don't want to be strangled 'extreme'! Lol! Why is it none of this violence against women dressed up as something sexy with euphemisms for strangulation such as 'breath play' ever involve hitting the female erogenous zones, and only allow a man to view a woman being tortured? Anal, choking, spitting, hitting, deep throating, but never going near the clitoris, g-spot and other erogenous areas.