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Original poster

Choking during sex, is this normal

635 replies

IsThisNormalOr · 07/03/2022 21:15

I went on a date last night and we ended up getting drunk and having sex. Everything was fine and I was enjoying it but at one point when he was on top of me he put his hands around my neck for a few seconds (not hard, and then he stopped and we switched positions) I didn't say anything. Is this normal? I've never experienced it before. We got on well and he wants to see me again...

OP posts:
Beamur · 08/03/2022 08:52

This man watches too much porn.
I think for your own safety I would not see him again. You were right to question if this is normal.
I'd say it's not normal and it's abusive.
People who enjoy pain/discomfort in their sexual relationships usually have conversations with their partners about this beforehand. The lack of considered consent to a dangerous sex act would be a massive deal-breaker as far as I'm concerned.

ForTheHorde · 08/03/2022 09:00

I was having a discussion with a friend last night about what’s ‘common’ in sex. I mentioned that in every single first-time encounter with a new man, deep-throating took place. As I’ve got older my boundaries are clearer but it’s still been an absolute norm. The interesting thing is that my friend (same experience for her) said she liked it. I couldn’t understand what as it just involved gagging and, well choking.

What I thought was really interesting about this post is deep-throating is so normal in sex that men don’t ask if it’s okay and women are expected to just do it. It’s normal, right.

And here we are again - pushing the next boundary. A few other posters jumping in to say yes, it is a common sex practice and it’s fine that he tried it. YOU should have stopped him, OP. It was only for a few seconds, OP. It’s fine because other posters like it, OP.

It’s bullshit and it just another way that women’s boundaries are crossed but we are made to feel like there’s something wrong with us. It is absolutely not normal to want to choke someone you apparently like enough to have sex with. It’s not normal to actually put your hands around anyone’s neck with the intention of choking at any time.

BeHappy91818 · 08/03/2022 09:05

[quote nightwakingmoon]@BeHappy91818 - so tell me, where do you stand on other “kinks” like DDLG, incest or child abuse roleplay, diaper fetishes, and so on? Are they all just totes cool as well? Any kinks you think are a bit OTT?[/quote]
I would even dignify this bullshit with a proper response.

When the fuck can a hand around the throat be compared to incest.

You absolute muppet.

LolalaBouche · 08/03/2022 09:11

No! Massive red flag.
He’s been duped by porn and our woman-hating culture into thinking this is normal. Not to mention that the biggest statistical indicator of an abuser going on to commit murder is strangulation.
Run for the hills- and tell him exactly why.

StoppinBy · 08/03/2022 09:11

@longwayoff

Hi *@Stoppinby*, I'll answer your odd post in a minute, I'm just taking some time to kick my dog, hard. He loves it! I don't ask him, I can tell. It's normal to kick your dog hard, lots of people do it and they all say their dogs love it too. Only a couple of them have died, the luck of the draw though innit.
Really? Comparing kicking a dog to a man who seemingly while really drunk put his hand on someone's throat and then removed it after a few seconds then (I am assuming because nothing else was mentioned) continued to have consensual sex with OP in a 'normal' manner.

A dog NEVER enjoys being kicked..... ever.

Some women (probably more than you actually realise) actually do enjoy that kind of rough play with a partner.

Just because you don't 'get it' doesn't mean others don't or have mental issues that need to be unpacked because they enjoy it.

Tulipsandviolets · 08/03/2022 09:14

No urgh

WetLookKnitwear · 08/03/2022 09:15

Nope this is not normal at all.

You can thank porn for this.

PleaseDontDriveMeBlind · 08/03/2022 09:15

It's not OK in this situation.

Me and DP both engage in this with each other (him to me and me to him) during rougher sex. That's not the only sex we have though, it's just one element.

The difference is someone asked for it before first before it was ever done, it was discussed etc.

Out of the blue and on a first date?! No fucking way. Major red flag. Do not see this man again. He sounds really dangerous to me.

gobbyshafto · 08/03/2022 09:16

@LaLaKickSticks

*don't think Mumsnet is the place to ask this question... to me it's normal! Just a 'kink' some people have. Doesn't mean he wanted to strangle and kill you. PP are very dramatic.*

Definitely not! All the women on Mumsnet are old, conservative and totally vanilla! Except that we’re not. We are women of all ages, from all walks of life, with enough experience between us to fill a fucking canyon. We know about kink, some of us even indulge in it (who knew!)

The amount of women killed by this particular practise is insane. To do something like this to a sexual partner you haven’t discussed it with is negligent at best, abusive at worst. Men literally avoid jail with this method, claiming it to be an innocent sex game gone wrong. If it’s so innocent where are all the dead men ‘accidentally’ choked by women? Where are all the women ‘accidentally’ choked to death by their girlfriends? It’s not normal. Raise your standards. Have a safe word. Make it known that you don’t consent to your own death for your fuck buddy to have a great orgasm. Once that shit is normalised then we can talk again about ‘normal’ strangulation.

Those cases of women being 'accidentally' killed were deliberate homicide, you would have to be extremely naive to believe that choking in sex regularly leads to death.

Choking is normal if both people trust and consent. It's conveniently used by murderers as an explanation, but there's not an epidemic of women being killed from it. I have, enjoy it, and never get unsafe with my partner.

Any sexual act can cause harm, so I'm not sure what the point is that making. Men who 'choke' women hard enough that they die were deliberately strangling them, that is not related to kink. And choking isn't that unusual afaik

HRTQueen · 08/03/2022 09:17

Becuase a hand around someone’s throat (when not consensual) is well not consensual

And is an act of violence

Incest is an act of violence/warped sexual desire

Where are the lines drawn at degrading females when it’s not incest everything else is just a kink Hmm

gobbyshafto · 08/03/2022 09:17

Like PPs said, in this situation it's clearly dodgy and I wouldn't be staying. It's not universally bad or dangerous though.

AlwaysLatte · 08/03/2022 09:18

What on earth? No! Also, I would be cautious about getting so drunk when you don't really know someone well.

gobbyshafto · 08/03/2022 09:19

@AlisonDonut

All the 'cool with being strangled' people, you need help.

This is not normal.

There is a reason it is one of the few red flags in domestic abuse situations.

If someone has convinced you to enjoy it, and it is all safe, and just a kink, then someone needs to work with you to unpick why it is a kink for you.

Why do you want to one prodded by a penis. Let's unravel that.

HRTQueen · 08/03/2022 09:20

It’s always dangerous though how have you come to the opinion it’s not dangerous gobby

This is exactly how women are being coerced into violent sex acts of down correctly all is fine it just adds to the fun narrative

PleaseDontDriveMeBlind · 08/03/2022 09:20

If someone has convinced you to enjoy it

Honestly nobody convinced me. I remember being aroused by seeing people choke each other/grabbing by throat/roughing up in films and the like from young teenage-hood. Not from porn which I don't watch, not convinced by men (most of whom thought it was a bit weird tbh, my ex certaintly wouldn't entertain the idea).

Lady089 · 08/03/2022 09:24

This is something men see in porn and think women like. He was very wrong to do that, putting his hands around your neck makes you vulnerable and should not be done without your consent, this would be enough for me to not see him again.

Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 09:25

@ForTheHorde

I was having a discussion with a friend last night about what’s ‘common’ in sex. I mentioned that in every single first-time encounter with a new man, deep-throating took place. As I’ve got older my boundaries are clearer but it’s still been an absolute norm. The interesting thing is that my friend (same experience for her) said she liked it. I couldn’t understand what as it just involved gagging and, well choking.

What I thought was really interesting about this post is deep-throating is so normal in sex that men don’t ask if it’s okay and women are expected to just do it. It’s normal, right.

And here we are again - pushing the next boundary. A few other posters jumping in to say yes, it is a common sex practice and it’s fine that he tried it. YOU should have stopped him, OP. It was only for a few seconds, OP. It’s fine because other posters like it, OP.

It’s bullshit and it just another way that women’s boundaries are crossed but we are made to feel like there’s something wrong with us. It is absolutely not normal to want to choke someone you apparently like enough to have sex with. It’s not normal to actually put your hands around anyone’s neck with the intention of choking at any time.

@ForTheHorde - my last proper boyfriend was into deep throating and seemed to think I wasn't normal as it set off my gag reflex. He was quite big (long) too.

What with that and a faint smell of urine sometimes (he was clean and did shower) I ended it after a while.

He also wanted anal almost from the start and I said no. Been there done it, didn't like it, ain't gonna change!

Gonnagetgoing · 08/03/2022 09:26

OP as you've heard lots of replies here - it's a porn thing, men see it in porn and think women should like it but to me it's a conversation before doing it act.

I wouldn't say don't date again, just be careful next time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2022 09:26

"Choking is normal if both people trust and consent. "

Yes, but that's not what happened here, is it.
The OP wasn't asked, didn't consent and barely knows the man so couldn't trust him either.

collieresponder88 · 08/03/2022 09:29

Massive red flag. Violent porn watcher most likely

Couchbettato · 08/03/2022 09:29

XH used to choke me during sex, then he tried to actually choke me in real life so... Run.

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 08/03/2022 09:31

The fact that he didn't ask if he could put his hands around your neck before just doing it is a massive red flag and not consensual (he didn't ask).

Lots of porn films now have extreme behaviours and men watch them and assume that means great sex and all women want it - it doesn't and there are lots of consensual ways to have great sex that doesn't involve cutting off the air supply. It appears that some men (the one you were with @IsThisNormalOr) assume it is wanted (well the girls in porn who are paid and some trafficked all 'appear' to love it don't they!) they 'cum' when the man barely looks at them Hmm

wingscrow · 08/03/2022 09:35

@givingupchocolatemonday

Again you are missing the point.

This is not about the fact that some people might enjoy it or about sex being fun...

It is about the fact that this man did it to someone he had just met without seeking consent first.

That''s a red flag.

Choking your partner is not the type of activity that you just sneak into sex without warning.

NRRK28 · 08/03/2022 09:36

Its depend. I like rough sex. My husband not. When first time i had sex with him i forget and Bite him. I think he just too horny and forget. We are not weirdo. We just like something different. After that biting incident my husband ask me if i like that kind of stuff which i said yes. And we set boundaries. I dont think its a red flag. But definitely need to have open conversation and boundaries when having sex. I’m happily married with my husband and have 2 kids. People who like rough sex doesn’t mean they are bad people or they abusive towards you

Fruitandnuts · 08/03/2022 09:36

I went to a women's aid event last week. i was shocked to learn that if a man in any way restricts your oxygen supply he is highly likely to abuse you, its all about power and control over you.

RUN