In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

@cantsleepatnight see if you can keep your own flat tomorrow morning, that's your priority, afterwards you can decide if the relationship is definitely over or not (I think you know it is really) but the main thing for now is to concentrate is maintaining your independence and not moving in with him

He's not like this because of depression and anxiety. He's like this because he is.

If you stay with him you'll still get all the shitty treatment. Saying ordinary words (ie not swearing) in what was no doubt a grumpy manner isn't "being civil" it's creating an atmosphere. You're not stupid, you know if he wasn't speaking to you at all, you didn't imagine it! "Distancing himself" is no better than silent treatment and is just rewording it to punish you because he shouldn't be punishing you at all . If you have a disagreement you talk about it and find a way forward or you break up, nobody should be punishing anybody.

If you stay you'll be in a relationship that's going nowhere when you could have the chance to meet someone nice who is suitable to live with.

Don't break up with him until you've got your stuff back if you can help it. Otherwise you might not see it again. Or else he'll use it as an excuse to stay in touch, get into your head again and prevent you moving forward.

If you start reading about abusive relationships you'll see he most probably didn't suddenly change, his nastiness was there all along only you didn't pick up on it.

Brace yourself for him to put on the charm and be the man you fell in love with ages ago. Until he's got you convinced to come back and be his free childminder and housekeeper and money pit. Then this true character will come out again. Please don't fall for it.
His actions are not those of someone with depression and anxiety. They are the actions of an abuser. Remember actions speak louder than words.

I really hope you can get your flat back, @cantsleepatnight - fingers crossed. Move all your stuff back from his place to yours (even temporarily if your flat isn't retrievable) before you confirm you are not moving with him at all.

Thank goodness he showed you his true colours before you had completely moved in with him. I bet he's annoyed with himself about that. As a PP said, look out for him love-bombing you whilst your emotions are still unstable - he'll try hard to persuade you back.

If you can't get your flat back, put your things in secure storage for a while, see if you can get a house-share on a short term rental, or move in temporarily with friends or family if you can, whilst you are fist hunting.

Also remember to cancel any change of address you gave out to, eg, utilities companies.

Sounds like your dodging a bullet. Good luck to you my dear. 🌹

Well done for speaking to him op. It's now up to him to produce to you, that he understands and respects your boundaries. Fingers crossed the letting agent can sort your flat for you

Excuses and lies OP, that's all he said.

I really hope you get your fat back and dump.

This is one of those times in life you can either have a cheap less (when you don't lose too much because you got away) or an expensive hard lesson (when you didn't listen to your gut, didn't feel able to be brave enough to cut him out.

This is not a nice or good man.

He's a nasty user who is looking for a woman to mind and pay for his child.

This is not a man to ever consider having a child with.

I know you feel sad and upset.

But it is absolutely NOTHING compared to the grief and regret you are going to feel by staying with such a loser user.

Beware of him promising the moon and love bombing you.

You are a cash cow to him, he won't want lose that.

MN has it's fair share of step mothers paying for step children and then paying everything for their own child because the waster they are with feels no obligation to.

So many end up leaving with their child after being nothing more than a paying skivvy to their step children.

Is this the life you want?

Working full time to pay for yours and some mans children?

You may feel heartbroken now but it will be far, far worse heartbreak if you move in with him and then have to leave.

His excuses are typical gaslighting. Nice people do not behave like that. Thank god he’s shown you who he is before you moved in. As for his little girl, can you imagine the life she’d have living with you and him while he has his silent treatment and other emotionally abusive antics? Just awful for you and her.

He will try hard to reel you back in, it’s standard behaviour of an abuser. Please don’t be like me, who went back 3 times after being told he was sorry, would change etc. It just prolongs the agony - these men do not change.

I've spoken to the agency. They have been really understanding and are going to contact landlord to confirm. The flat hasn't been advertised yet, so here is a chance it will be okay.

I'm trying not to think about him but it's so hard. All the good times we had, I still don't believe this is happening

Sounds positive! Cheering you on!
Youve done the right thing ...

Ah that’s good news, you’re making the right decision

Excellent news from the agency, OP, and fingers crossed it works out

I see others got there first, but I was also going to warn about the tsunami of charm you'll probably get (and which would soon disappear like the mist)
It's natural to feel sad and remember the good times, but in the nicest possible way you'd have to be mad to insert yourself into this again

Oh, and on "He couldn't understand it", there are two possibilities here ... either he understands perfectly well and is gaslighting you, or he doesn't because he's totally lacking in empathy and self knowledge

Since neither are a basis for a successful relationship, maybe it's something to remember when the sadness hits

That's great news for your flat op.

I've been thinking about you OP. The flat sounds promising!

I know it's hard. But you were being manipulated into a lifetime of hurt and poverty. And then when it was over you would be left high and dry.

You will find someone else. You are a great catch!

Oh thank goodness that is so positive.

That's wonderful news, OP--fingers cros

Are you breaking up with him OP?

Got a phone call from agency, landlord happy for me to stay in the flat!!!
So relieved. And so emotionally drained at the same time.
I have been super busy at work and coming down with a proper cold so that keeps me distracted.
Still don't believe this is happening.
I'm so confused as to why does he do that and no I don't think I see a future with him. How would I trust him again?

@cantsleepatnight

Got a phone call from agency, landlord happy for me to stay in the flat!!! So relieved. And so emotionally drained at the same time. I have been super busy at work and coming down with a proper cold so that keeps me distracted. Still don't believe this is happening. I'm so confused as to why does he do that and no I don't think I see a future with him. How would I trust him again?

To be brutal, you can't.

If he treats you like that when it should all be hearts & flowers then think what he'll be like when the going gets tough.

And he was so horrible to you it could easily get abusive. Because that's what ignoring you is

I’m so happy you can stay in your flat!! As PP said, you can’t trust him! You are 100% doing the right thing!

oh i am so pleased for you! that is a HUGE weight off your mind!

Well done! Step one is taken, you are on the way.

Why Does He Do That? you asked - it's here:
freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

He is abusive/controlling/manipulative - these men usually take between 18m to 2 years for the mask to slip. The love bomb us, tell us we're the best thing in the world, would walk on fire for us, in short they mold themselves into whatever the perfect guy looks like to us.

Looks Like being the critical thing here - its fake, it's everything we ever wanted in ahuman, but it's fake. The relationship is conducted at a pace that is breathtaking, but it fills the hole we have in our armour, the vulnerability and feeds our need to be loved, to be accepted, to be attractive etc etc. Simply they find what we need and pretend to be it.

Then they get us moved in/engaged/married/pregnant/new mum/isolated from friends and family/cut off geographically or digitally, sometimes all of the above

THEN they allow the mask to slip and fall. If you are really perceptive - and of course with hindsight we ALL have 20/20 vision - you might just spot the teeny tiny flags, the warnings and clues that this is not quite right.

In this case he showed his hand too clumisly, too quickly and too early in the process. he thought you were in the trap already, I suppose when you handed your notice in was the trigger with him.

AND THANK GOD HE DID! thank god you can rescind the resignation!

He won't ever change. In fact his next victim he will wait until she'd moved in and ideally too broke to move back out again.... the financial crap with his kid/bills is a part of this.

Where are you at now with him in terms of relationship? have you had the Talk yet? If not, you can "be ill" for a day or two while this all sinks in and then the next step will come to you. You have all the time in the world now.

Does he have a key? if so, you need to get the lock barrels changed

Don't move in with him .
If things are stressy now imagine it worse all the time .

Great news.. I hope he doesn't make it difficult for you getting the rest of your stuff back ..
I'd keep it friendly but cool (sticking to the same line of its a bit too early to move in properly atm) until you have retrieved everything and then decide ..

Enjoy being back in your home.. if you can afford it right now , perhaps buy it/you a small treat? Maybe some lovely new bed linen..