In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

He has left his ex and she still, after 3 years, can't get over it. She still wants him back.

I would say this is rubbish. This is what abusers often claim.. to try to stir up jealousy, to manipulate you and keep you apart and mistrustful of his ex/ mother of his child, so you never find out that he treated her badly too

I'd be surprised if her wanting him back was actually true. Unless he has been messaging her or doing something to indicate he still cared...

Or more likely its narcissistic triangulation. Which is when they use another woman (ex, TV personality, lady at work, whatever) to make you feel insecure about the relationship.

For example: constantly banging on about their ex, claiming that the ex still likes them. Or perhaps, badmouthing their ex one minute, yet, comparing you to them unfavorably the next. Eg: 'I'll say one thing for my ex, she had good style, you could learn a thing or two from her'. His general aim being to make you feel 'does he still like her? Is she 'the one that got away' for him?' and '...am I enough for him?'.

The general aim of narcissistic triangulation can be to make you feel that they are 'oh so popular and can have any woman they want...yet they 'settled' for you', or to make you feel generally insecure about where you stand with them. Or to make you wonder if they think you are good enough. And to just generally make you feel like shit of course.

So that could be why he tells you his ex is still 'obsessed'. He could even set her up to look obsessed or properly push her buttons so that she does and says stuff that he can show you the reaction too (but of course, not how it actually came about).

Of course, it is possible she just actually still likes him. Without him having encouraged it. But then, ask yourself, does he seem gleeful about this? About her suffering? Or does he keep bringing it up to you?

All red flags to look out for.

And pp is right too, they often like to convince you the ex is nuts/nasty in order to keep you apart from them. So you don't hear the truth about what they are really like/learn that they are still trying it on with their ex.

Wouldn't be surprised if he uses his ex in some way to try to hurt you in the coming weeks. If he thinks it will push your buttons.

Saying no to moving in with him will have hurt his ego so there may be a retaliation of some sorts.

Maybe some story about how she flung herself at him (meaning 'so you better be careful, I could have her anytime I want so, fall back in line).
Or if he cottons on you are thinking of deleting up...he may give indication is considering getting back with her, to make you feel leaving isn't your choice but his. Which may weaken your resolve.

Or he may just badmouth you to friends and family. Say you are being irrational.

Or he could do the opposite and turn on the charm again. Hoping to reel you back.

But he doesn't sound the brightest. So I reason he'll take a sulky, angry, shit stirring route.

I’m glad you managed to keep your flat OP.

You are in an abusive relationship and you should leave him ASAP.
Block him.

He will continue to treat you badly while using his mental health as an excuse.
But does he treat other people like that or does he behave and treat them with respect?

You of all people, being his partner, should be treated with respect.
Plenty of good men out there.

Pp said it doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re being unreasonable.
The reason it doesn’t matter is that you are not being unreasonable but in his eyes you will always be at fault for something. You will be trying for your whole life to be good enough for him and you never will. It’s a control tactic.
How exhausting it must be !

I’m sure you can use your energy in other ways.

Look at the Freedom Programme.

@cantsleepatnight I've been following your thread and I'm glad to read you can stay in your flat.

Re the cold. I'm the same but LFT has been positive for covid!

Well-done OP. 🌟

Well done for listening to your instinct that all was not well with the situation you were going into, and stepping back from the brink.
So happy for you that you got to keep your flat. One big headache less.
Sounds like you are a lovely person and he took advantage of you. Lesson learned.
Feel better soon.

@Cantleave how are you? Have you got all your stuff moved back to your place? Have you told him?

You feel lost in one sense op but you've got control of your life.
Own place to live still, that's a safe place to start.

I'm glad you're finding support here, I completely understand your feelings.

Mumsnet is like having a room full of good friends at times like these.

X

So glad to see your update, op!

If there was just one issue you could probably work on things if you wanted to, but there are so many - him being disrespectful to you, ignoring you (which is abusive), failing to parent his dc...

You deserve better.

So glad you have been able to move back into your flat! Enjoy the peace and feeling relaxed, not as if you're walking on eggshells. 💐

Congrats OP on recognising an unhealthy relationship and extricating yourself from it. That's huge.

@cantsleepatnight

Thank you very much I've ordered both books. He has left his ex and she still, after 3 years, can't get over it. She still wants him back. I guess it is going to take some time to process it all. How did I not see this coming. You all are so lovely and supportive. That's a lot when someone feels so lost

Who says his ex wants him back? Him? Well, it's entirely possible she does, I suppose. There are people who are gluttons for punishment or who just want to be 'coupled up' regardless of the quality of their partner.

One thing you mustn't do is assume that she knows something about him that you don't that would make him a worthwhile partner. It's not that he's a good partner, it's that she has low standards. He had you fooled, but not any more.

Feeling lost is normal. You had planned out the next steps in your life only to have the rug pulled out from under your feet (by his behaviour). It's going to take a bit of time to catch your breath. One of the best things to do if your plans get scuppered is to make new and different plans. So don't dive back into the dating scene. Make plans that focus on yourself and learning 'who you are' and your friends and family. Celebrate the freedom to do exactly what you want when you want it, even if it's only getting in your favourite treats and watching the movie YOU want to watch in peace with no interruptions. Sometimes it's the little things we do that lead to the big changes in our lives.

Thank goodness you still have your flat. That’s great news.

Hope you feel settled now you are back in your flat - have you got the locks changed?
Take care and post here if you need to.

I'm so pleased you have kept your flat. I think you've made the right decision.

I'm so confused. I was hoping this relationship will be the best one I will ever have. He was so lovely, attentive, we had a lot in common, a lot to talk about, the same views on a lot of things.

I had positive lft so have to self isolate now. I'm so happy I can be in my flat in my own. No one is telling me I'm problematic or that I'm making problems for no reason.

Thing is, I started to believe I actually am problematic and difficult. Even if it's just him saying it, no one else.

It's his DD who says that her mum hates me, and says that because of me she can't be with him. There is a lot what she does that makes me think she isn't over it yet. But that's not something he's ever said.

It's often the case that relationships are good for a while, and then they go downhill.

The problem is when people carry on seeing each other/living together/being married after they've become unhappy.

In my experience relationships rarely get good again once they've gone downhill.

OP,

You are not the problem here.

You have been love bombed by someone whose intentions are to bleed you dry.

Please do the highly regarded online Freedom programme and protect yourself going forward.

Take this time to re focus on protecting yourself.

Be prepared for him to love bomb again, blame his depression, blame anything.

You are a useful cash cow, he won't want to lose you.

His behaviour for those two weeks, the nastiness, the silenses, the blame, that is the real him.

Protect yourself.

@cantsleepatnight

I'm so confused. I was hoping this relationship will be the best one I will ever have. He was so lovely, attentive, we had a lot in common, a lot to talk about, the same views on a lot of things.

I had positive lft so have to self isolate now. I'm so happy I can be in my flat in my own. No one is telling me I'm problematic or that I'm making problems for no reason.

Thing is, I started to believe I actually am problematic and difficult. Even if it's just him saying it, no one else.

It's his DD who says that her mum hates me, and says that because of me she can't be with him. There is a lot what she does that makes me think she isn't over it yet. But that's not something he's ever said.

Possible that the daughter has been led to believe that by him or by her mother because of what he has said to her. Also possible that she just feels that way as a child because she doesn't understand why mum and dad split.

But definately a red flag if he is making you feel bad/doubt who you are.

Also important to recognise that in the beginning with toxic ppl, you often feel like you've met someone really similar to you. It's called 'mirroring'. They reflect you - back at you. You may see signs of it if you notice that they are completely different people depending on who they are with. Like, they adapt their views and opinions to match others. Yet you might have heard them give the exact opposite opinion to someone else literally the day before.

Overall though, a partner should make you feel secure and happy both in yourself and in the relationship. They should bring out the best version of you. Confident and relaxed and happy. If they do the opposite, then it isn't a good relationship. No need to assign any blame with that. It just isn't working as a partnership.

He was so lovely, attentive, we had a lot in common, a lot to talk about, the same views on a lot of things

This is not him, this is the nice side to his abusive side. If abusers didn't have a 'nice' side, no one would ever stay with them. In the early days an abuser will give you what you want to see in a partner, he will mirror himself to you, so as lovely as he was, he was simply presenting you back to yourself.

It's really significant that as soon as you had committed to moving in with him, he changed his plans. He was playing a game to get you to agree to what he wanted. As soon as he thought you had committed, he moved the goal posts. So he's shown you that he isn't always honest with you, and that he is manipluative and selfish. That is likely to be a pattern through his life.

Expecting you to pay 50% of everything even if his daughter is there is plan mean and totally unfair of him.

You felt relief that you could still have your place - that's all you need to know. This early in a relationship should be the fun, light-hearted, loved-up and full of optimism stage. You already know you don't want to live with him, and he lies and manipulates.

You deserve so much better.

I'm sure his DD's mum does hate you. But that it's because she wants him back may be the DD adding 2+2 and coming up with 5. Or that SHE hates you because she wants Mummy and Daddy back together. But doesn't matter anymore, does it?

He thinks you're 'difficult' and 'problematic' because you didn't fall in with his plan. He wanted you to move in and be a 'good little wifey/girlfriend', keep your trap shut, and do all the grunt work for him. But he couldn't 'hold the pose' of Mr Wonderful quite long enough, could he? He revealed his true colors when you were on his hook but he hadn't quite landed you. Thank God you slipped the hook and swam free (to use fishing analogies).

Just celebrate your lucky escape. Use your isolation time to decompress and 'debrief' yourself. There is nothing 'wrong' with you. He just wasn't right for you, or for anybody else most likely.