In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

[cantsleepatnight]

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks Because 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

Really pleased for you, that will be a weight off your mind. Where does this leave your relationship, now you know what he is really like? I hope it’s over too, so you can find someone who deserves you!

@Cantleave that's great news! Fate even, you made the right decision, I hope you will value your independence even more now.

@cantsleepatnight

I'm so confused as to why does he do that and no I don't think I see a future with him.

He did it because you fit the bill for what he wants to enrich HIS life, and that of his child - at a cost to your self-esteem, happiness and finances.

Please don't spend too much time pondering this because it's not that deep I'm afraid. You were the nice person he found which he could mould and control (he thought) to help provide the lifestyle and comfort he wants. Happily for you you had a glimpse of what he was about, mainly because, as someone else said, he sprang the trap just a bit too early.

I'm SO pleased you managed to hold onto your flat. Now continue to play the role of acquiescence (just not now...) get your stuff moved back to your own space. Don't rely on him not having keys/giving your own keys back. For your own security/peace of mind absolutely change the barrels of your locks.

Don't let him back in your home when you tell him it's completely over.

Onwards and upwards OP. 🌹

Im so relieved for you, it was horrible reading that he was trying to make you believe "empathetic" means "letting him treat you like shit and just sucking it up" How dare he 😡. So sorry your dream turned out to be built of sand 😰

Watch out for blackmail incoming re his daughter. He might get quite wily now he realises he has blown it with you and your open wallet.

Do you feel you may have a bit more insight into where things went wrong with is ex? (rhetorical question, not expecting an answer)

How would I trust him again?

Quite simply you can't, though he'll no doubt insist he's seen the light

Really glad for you about the flat, and take care of the cold - you'll soon feel better just for having him gone

Excellent news about the Flat.

Also coming down with a cold is a good "excuse" to stay apart for a few days...so you "don't make him poorly".... in reality it will give you some breathing space to think about your future

Congrats. on keeping the flat! No need to rush into any arrangement just to please a ''significant other''.

Got a phone call from agency, landlord happy for me to stay in the flat!!!
So relieved. And so emotionally drained at the same time

Thank fuck! That's great news OP!
I was hoping that would happen. Landlord will be pleased to be keeping a tenant they know instead of having to find someone else who might be a nightmare!

And now that's sorted you can spend some time thinking about what you want to do about him. But I think he's shown you his true colours now.

I am so pleased by this outcome

Hopefully he's too stupid to even bother to sweet talk you

So relieved for you that you can stay there so that is one less thing to worry about. You know I wish I had advise when I was younger and in much the same situation you are in now but I thought my ex would change and more or less blamed myself and wish I had appreciated being single more when younger but I did move in and things were very difficult. You do not have to make a decision now about your relationship and know how painful it is and the good memories but just take a week or so to think and have a clear head. Everyone has ups and downs in relationships but that is so different to a lack of respect and how someone talks to you. Keep us posted and hope you come to a decision that puts your welfare first and your emotional wellbeing as relationships should make us happy and not in a constant state of anxiety. xx

You have had a lucky escape ❤

Everything @MzHz said!

You're extremely lucky that you caught this early. If he'd been better at keeping the mask up while you were moving in, you could have ended up stuck for years (I did).

oh god do not move in with him!! fake illness and stay at home this weekend, phone your land lord monday and stay where you are

also dump him - hes telling you exactly who he is.... LISTEN

That great news OP. Time to give yourself some TLC. Use your cold as an excuse to keep him at arms distance until things have settled down.
You saw him as his real self. Not pretending to be Mr Charming, which to me, seeing how quickly he let his guard drop, goes to show how difficult it must have been to keep up the pretence - if that makes sense.
I'd say you've had a lucky escape but it wasn't lucky, you listened to your spidey senses, so well done.

Thank goodness you have realised just in time. You have saved yourself masses of heartache down the line. Always listen to your gut feelings. Pack up your stuff into car and go back to your old flat. Ring and explain to EA Monday morning. Can you get him to take dd somewhere while you pack? You are not unreasonable to change your mind. You would not be changing your mind if he had treated you well. He has brought this on himself. And no good man tries to emotional blackmail you with his little dd. Do many red flags in your post.

I have re-read your posts OP.

He has indeed shown himself to be a nasty using piece of work.

He definitely expected you to move in, accept any bullshit from him and pay for his child.

He has been very clear.

I don't mean to be unkind or harsh, but there is absolutely no way this man loves you.

Not a chance in hell he does.

He needs someone that is of use to him who wish pay her wsy and pay for his daughter.

It really couldn't be clearer.

Read @MzHz post again.

You are of use to him.

Why you would be settling for someone so nasty, expects you to pay more than your share.

It's not an accident that he wants you away from family and friends.

This is not a man that will love and cherish you.

He is firmly out for what he can get.

You deserve better.

@cantsleepatnight

Got a phone call from agency, landlord happy for me to stay in the flat!!! So relieved. And so emotionally drained at the same time. I have been super busy at work and coming down with a proper cold so that keeps me distracted. Still don't believe this is happening. I'm so confused as to why does he do that and no I don't think I see a future with him. How would I trust him again?

I’ve been thinking about you over the weekend and willing your flat to still be available. Please be strong and leave this unhealthy relationship behind. It’s not going to get any better xxx

What to tell him? Exactly how it is, that he’s being rude and using you and you don’t appreciate his dd having no boundaries. And that this is not the life you’re prepared to live.
Being told 30 mins prior to get ready for some arranged dinner and made to pay for it- fuck this shit. He can start paying for days out himself.
Arsehole

He has huge contempt for you already and this won’t get better. I guess he’s divorced, i wonder why.
Once you’ve been in a shit relationship and left it you become much more wary, i guess you haven’t been in that situation yet. Leave him as this is the start of something horrible for you

@cantsleepatnight

I'm so confused as to why does he do that and no I don't think I see a future with him. How would I trust him again?

He does it because he can and because it suits his needs.

How would you trust him again? You'd have to give up every notion that what your feelings tell you is right and believe only what he tells you is the truth. You'd have to accept that his every whim and demand is reasonable and that your needs do not ever trump his. That his reason for everything he does is right and rationale. But wait, that's not trust, that's blind obedience. And who would want to live like that?

Don't move in with him

Thank you very much
I've ordered both books.
He has left his ex and she still, after 3 years, can't get over it. She still wants him back.
I guess it is going to take some time to process it all. How did I not see this coming.
You all are so lovely and supportive. That's a lot when someone feels so lost

Does she really want him back? Of course it's possible... but how do you know?

I felt exactly the same OP, lost, confused, hurt. The books really did help. It’s so hard when you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship as it really messes with your mind. It’ll take a while to get out of the fog (in the books you’ll see this stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt) but it is literally a fog of confusion too.

You have done incredibly well to assert yourself and I hope you feel some comfort in beginning to assert your boundaries, it’s the first step.

These men sadly are not capable of changing, he was an emotional bully and draining you for his own benefit.

It really helped me, whenever I thought about my ex after I left to either visualise something lovely, or to have a saying I would say in my mind - mine was ‘I am a good person’ - it really helped.

Keep posting, things will get better in time but treat yourself really well - you have been a victim of an insidious manipulator and need time to heal.

I've read your posts OP. Glad you are back in your flat. You need to rethink this relationship as he will not change. No amount of therapy will change this abuser, he will just learn phrases to play victim and manipulate you more

He blames you when he's grumpy

He sulks and is manipulative
to get his own way

He speaks to you disrespectfully and tells you it's your fault that he does

Being depressed or anxious doesn't make you treat other people badly, being an abuser does

He's coercive controlling and emotionally abusive

He expects you to fund half his DDs costs, (when every single parent knows they are your own costs not a new partners) and he will make that happen by causing a scene.

DD is not your responsibility financially nor practically . She has two parents already including him - you have a job, it's not your job to be there to help out with her, he's manipulating you to get you to take over his role

He shows no respect for your stuff , saying his DD can go through your bags, he is trying to strip away who you are

He's using you

This will not change