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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a process of moving in together and now I'm not sure

354 replies

cantsleepatnight · 05/03/2022 05:32

Have been together with DP for nearly 2 years. Just to about to move in together, I already have a lot of stuff moved, handed a notice on my flat two weeks ago (rented).

I'm moving to DP's rented flat too, 15 miles from where Iive. This is mainly to help him with contact with his DD whom he lives locally to, sees her nearly every day and does all pick ups/ drop offs.

I have started to have a feeling that I'm making a mistake. He can be disrespectful sometimes but always blames this on depression / anxiety (he is on meds and therapy). He says I don't have any empathy when I get angry about the way he speaks to me sometimes.

The last two weeks since I have handed the notice and started spending more time at his have been horrible. We used to spend loads of time together but it was never that bad. He is on a huff most of the time, ignoring me when not in a mood, accusing me I'm making problems out of nothing. Everyone is asking why is it me having to move out and when I said that to him he waived a middle finger and said 'fuck them all', ie my parents, siblings, friend.

On Thursday his DD was here. They planned to go for a meal yesterday. I didn't know anything until yesterday afternoon, basically was given half an hr to get rady and go. No one asked me if that's what I was planning but hey ho I thought, fine he is taking me out. The thing is I had to pay for the meal because, at the till he said it is my turn as he paid last time. I thought that was rude and you don't expect someone to pay for the meal where they didn't get any say in where / when we go? I asked him to transfer the money as this was cheeky of him and unfair but he refused and said I've told him I was going to pay the next time. I haven't.

I got up yesterday morning to find his DD (9) wearing my socks HmmBecause 'dad says I could'. She has been taking my stuff from unpacked bags, books, because 'daddy said I could'.

I feel like I don't have a control of my life any more. I feel like signing out of it compeletely and run away but I hear I'm over reacting when I raise anything. I feel like I can't trust my own judgment and don't know any more what I want. My head is a mess and I'm in a panic mode not knowing what to do. I don't deserve to be treated like that but he says it is either my fault or he blames depression /anxiety and says he can't help it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/03/2022 00:16

You have huge support on here.

100% rooting for you.
Flowers

DreamTheMoors · 06/03/2022 01:30

@cantsleepatnight

I rent though an agency and they are closed for the weekend so will need to wait until Monday.

We were planning to move more stuff today. What do I tell him? That I'm not ready?

I have nowhere to go, family lives miles away.
We had an argument on Monday last week because he was speaking to me like crap and I have started packing. He didn't speak to me for a week and said how I treaties him like Shit and how I cruel it is of me not wanting to move in when his DD got so involved and was over the moon I was moving in. His DD is lovely but I don't want my life to look like this

The truth is always the best.

Tell him you’ve had second thoughts. Tell him you’ve decided moving in together isn’t a good idea. Tell him you’ve changed your mind and will be going back to living alone.

After what he’s put you through in such a short time, you really don’t owe him anything. Just tell him you’re leaving and that’s that.

PearPickingPorky · 06/03/2022 05:45

You could word it to him as "me moving in with you has not brought out a good side in you, therefore it's clearly not the right thing to do, for you, or me".

It sounds like he thinks he's managed to trap you a bit so he can now go out of his way to treat you badly and you just have to accept it.

You don't.

pictish · 06/03/2022 06:56

@PearPickingPorky

You could word it to him as "me moving in with you has not brought out a good side in you, therefore it's clearly not the right thing to do, for you, or me".

It sounds like he thinks he's managed to trap you a bit so he can now go out of his way to treat you badly and you just have to accept it.

You don't.

I agree with this. He’s shot his load too soon, so to grimly speak. He thinks moving in is a done deal and you’re stuck with it now so he’s letting it all come out.
pictish · 06/03/2022 07:23

You can do the reading for yourself…but it’s common for abuse to ramp up when the victim is in a vulnerable position. Common triggers for an increase in abuse are moving in, pregnancy, marriage, new baby…things that tie the victim to the perpetrator and make it more complicated for her to leave.

BOOTS52 · 06/03/2022 07:30

Just read that he did not talk to you for a week that is emotional abuse and narcissistic behaviour and his way of trying to control you so you will not say anything to disagree with him again. Please take your time and have a few days to yourself as he is showing his true colours and do not let him use his daughter to get you to move in. You can do so much better and you sound like an intelligent young woman so think on things and put your own needs and peace of mind first. No one needs an arsehole in their lives bullying them.

Struggling113 · 06/03/2022 08:45

Don’t move in with him op .

Journeynotdestination · 06/03/2022 09:07

Hope you are doing ok this morning OP. Stay strong, even though it’s going to be hard in the beginning. It will get better and you’ll look back and be ‘WTAF’!!

ilovebrie8 · 06/03/2022 09:15

Hope you are ok OP. Don’t move in and cut ties with him he’s not good for you ...quit while you can and have an easy out and may not have that if you carry on ...

Ourlady · 06/03/2022 09:27

Great to hear you have taken the pp advise on board.
He has made the huge mistake of showing his (nasty) hand too early.
If this is how he is even before you move in imagine how he will be when you are stuck under his roof. Things will only get worse.

GabriellaMontez · 06/03/2022 09:27

You have an army of supporters here.
Get out.

I don't really understand why you're moving to help him with contact. Aren't you at work? Where's her mum? As for paying 50%... again, she has 2 parents.

Houseplantmad · 06/03/2022 09:35

In this situation you only need to listen to how you're feeling and your own instincts.
I hope you are okay and feeling strong today OP.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 06/03/2022 09:35

You know it is perfectly fine to put your feelings before his or his dd's right?
Do not be afraid to call the police if he turns nasty either...

user1471538283 · 06/03/2022 09:38

If you were mine you would either come to me or ring the agency and cancel the notice. I doubt they have someone lined up for your home yet, I know it takes ages to relet where I live.

Do not move in with him. I promise this will get worse. My tummy sank for you at the thought of being treated badly where you are supposed to be safe.

You will be ok.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/03/2022 09:39

Back out. Now.

Ring the landlord, if the flat is gone put your stuff into storage and find somewhere else - can you stay with a friend short term.

So many red flags. This man is not able to have a committee relationship.

Better you back out now. Get yourself sorted and then tell him.

BlueOverYellow · 06/03/2022 09:52

Hope you've had some sleep and found the strength to stand up for yourself this morning and the belief that you deserve better. You do.

Please collect anything of yours you've moved to his flat and end the relationship.

He's shown you who he is. You deserve better.

stripeyflowers · 06/03/2022 10:04

@cantsleepatnight

I'm in my flat spending night in here, have taken some stuff with me. Thank you everyone for all the messages, a lot to take in xx
Good for you! Stay strong.
LemonFanta123 · 06/03/2022 10:16

Please stay strong! I had the same horrible feeling just before I moved in with my ex and I really wish I had listened to my gut instinct. He ended up being very abusive and I left 6 months later after being put through pure hell. Trust yourself and trust your gut instinct on this one (and trust me, some random stranger on the internet who has been there and done that!)

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 06/03/2022 11:05

Mental health is no excuse for bad behaviour. You deserve more, OP.

PheonixGlitterRepublic · 06/03/2022 11:54

I wish I had listened to the last minute red flags before I moved in with the abusive ex. It’s like once he thought he had me, the mask slipped and once we actually lived together it cane off. Trust your instincts and dump this idiot.

BlueSummerBaby · 06/03/2022 16:06

I moved in with someone awful once. I realised I'd made a huge mistake within a few weeks! I'd uprooted my whole life though, moved to a different area to be with him, so I felt that I had to stay and try harder to make it work even though it wasn't me who was the problem.

I was 100% wrong. Within a year I was a shell of the person I used to be and when I finally left 5yrs later it took me a long time to recover.

What I should have done was sold everything to save a deposit and once I had a job in the area found a flat or even just a room for myself. If I'd done that I could have brushed off his nastiness as irrelevant and left within a few months, instead of internalising it all and twisting myself inside out trying not to upset him.

MissSmiley · 06/03/2022 17:03

@cantsleepatnight how has he taken the news? Have you told him?

Original poster
cantsleepatnight · 06/03/2022 20:56

I have told him I miss being in my flat and I want to keep it for longer. He couldn't understand it, but didn't have other choice than to accept it.

We talked about the last two weeks and he is taking some blame for not speaking to me but said he was 'civil' and didn't ignore me, he distanced himself. He said he didn't speak to me yesterday because I've told him to not to so he wanted to give me a space. I was angry and told him not to touch me but if he wanted to talk I wouldn't shut him down.

I was out shopping and went for a dinner with best friend to keep myself distracted. Reread all comments on here. I'm heart broken. Part of me wants to trust him and be close and the other part wants to never seen him again

OP posts:
shssandhr · 06/03/2022 21:09

I was out shopping and went for a dinner with best friend to keep myself distracted. Reread all comments on here. I'm heart broken. Part of me wants to trust him and be close and the other part wants to never seen him again

What does your best friend say?

I wouldn't trust him at all.
He needs to get his depression/anxiety under control so that he is able to be in a relationship without behaving so poorly towards the other person. If he is not able to do this then he should continue to have therapy and see the GP until a long-lasting solution is found which would mean he is in a place to start a relationship.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. But people need to work on themselves first before bringing all of that into a relationship.

You could continue to date him if you liked to see how things pan out but moving in together has to be completely off the table.
But to be honest, I don't see much of a future in this at all.

Squidinkk · 06/03/2022 21:18

You're doing the right thing. His pathetic attempt at an "apology" doesn't even touch the sides. He didn't even apologise, actually
he gaslit you and lied about him giving you the silent treatment. He knows what he did. You deserve way way better than this. He wants your money and you on hand for sex and babysitting. If you step out of line he will punish you with the silent treatment. You deserve so much better. Fingers crossed you can keep your flat.

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