Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

I think you've done everything right.
Although I am wondering how many devices she has got? I think she's quite young for her own laptop, I would get a family desktop (so nobody can walk away with it) and reconsider her own laptop when she's doing GCSE'S

I say this with all kindness OP, and as someone who is similar in temperament/habits. Having read all your posts I would really suggest you seek some therapy to help you address some of your internal attitude to productivity, relaxation etc. You're passing these attitudes onto your daughter as your mother did before you, and you're judging her by unreasonable standards because of it. Getting some professional help will break the cycle and help you and your daughter find a better balance.

Omg get the hell over it! She apologised! Confiscating her devices for two weeks and her paying back the money is all that needed to be implemented. Not to mention she’s only 11, for goodness sake!

@MsSquiz

You asked in your OP for people not to give you a hard time because the account was linked to your bank account... sorry, but after reading all of your posts, I'm just going to be blunt.

You have allowed her to play these games

You left your card linked to the account

You obviously don't regularly check what she's doing online and so haven't noticed the purchases

You have now told her she cannot talk to you about something she enjoys. Maybe she thinks your conversation is tedious and irrelevant?

You are the adult in this situation but you don't appear to be taking much responsibility - blaming lockdown for her playing too much? Why weren't you putting boundaries in place then, to prevent her playing too much or becoming "addicted"? Because it was easier to let her sit and play the games until something like this happens, then it's all her fault and seemingly unforgivable? Maybe you should be a lot more annoyed with yourself for allowing the situation to get this far, rather than not forgiving an 11 year old?

If you'd read my posts you'd see I have taken responsibility for this.

@thepeopleversuswork
"c) I'm particularly sensitive to the fact that I have an obligation to raise her to be successful and independent because my experience has been that there is no one I can rely on except myself and its likely she will have the same experience"

well it will be her experience if that is all that you teach her....honestly please don't replicate your on experience on her.

Same thing happened to me OP.

I took it on the chin- yes my DS was to blame partly, but it was my fault I left my payment details on the account. We spoke, he understood it wasn't and I removed the access to payment.

No big deal.

11 year olds often have no regulator.

Not sure why you are so wound up OP. In the great scheme of things it's pretty trivial, and a learning opportunity for you and her- and be glad it was only £40 not £3000.

Oh calm down dear. You’re being way OTT. She chanced her arm, you found out, she apologised and was contrite. You’re reaction is way too much, says more about you and your issues than her.

@peachgreen

I say this with all kindness OP, and as someone who is similar in temperament/habits. Having read all your posts I would really suggest you seek some therapy to help you address some of your internal attitude to productivity, relaxation etc. You're passing these attitudes onto your daughter as your mother did before you, and you're judging her by unreasonable standards because of it. Getting some professional help will break the cycle and help you and your daughter find a better balance.

this ^^

@thepeopleversuswork I do understand some of your emotional response. There is a huge feeling of disappointment in your DD's behaviour? Did you think that she was better than this?

I once caught my DD (at a similar age) cheating in a game which she and I were playing. I felt so disappointed in her. DH suggested that I had unrealistic expectations of her. She was still a child.

DD is now 25, all grown up. I still remember how I felt but recognise that it was a problem in me not in her.

I'm not judging you for working. I'm judging you for saying you cant spend any time with her because you have to manage your home, so all she has is her computer games and you dont even want to talk to her about those.

She is a kid. Let her be a kid. Stop going on about having to raise her time be self sufficient. We're all doing that, but it has nothing to do with spending time with your child and having fun with them or listening to the things they are interested in.

When I read the title I thought she had done something incredibly unforgivable. When I read she is an 11 year old CHILD who has gone behind your back and spent 40 quid on some games I had to laugh! So dramatic and OTT.

As I said, I have read all of your posts and to me it seems like misplaced anger directed at your daughter when it should be at yourself.

This is a whole other thread but this is something I really struggle with. I have to be massively productive all the time just to get my life to function because I'm a working lone parent. There's never any room for slack in the system and almost no downtime, or me time, ever. So I slightly resent it when other people get to lie around being unproductive because I don't have that luxury. Again, that's my problem and not hers but it is what it is.

Yet you post on here quite a lot, how would you feel if someone berated you for that and said it was a waste of time and you should be more productive? (Not saying that BTW, I post on here a fair bit.) You enjoy this, she enjoys video games.

Is it just you and your DD op? If you want her to not spend so much time on gaming you'll need to make time for her. It sounds like you've let the ball drop wrt your mum/daughter relationship.

I get that it's hard juggling everything (I'm a single mum of multiple DC and I'm working) but your relationship with your daughter needs reassessing here, as does your idea that pastimes should be productive. She now thinks she can't talk to you about something she enjoys and is important to her? That's pretty sad.

Sorry if it comes across as harsh, but I think the teen years are going to be a struggle for you both if you don't reassess things now.

She is 11. I have an 18, 14 and an 10 year old. None of them are adults. They don't act, think or talk like adults. I was also a lone parent for many years, I am not sure this is about that. Your expectations of your DD and your expectations of yourself are very different. You seem to give yourself much more leeway, and you are an adult?

You are 'frightened, distressed and angry' about your DD's behaviour, where she was selfish and prioritised what she wanted but then you write: 'and tbh if I do have a chance to do something with her, I'd rather prioritise something which I enjoy over that', that you would ban computer games because you don't like them (up to you what you like/dislike but your opinion isn't fact and they shouldn't be banned just because you judge them to be 'bad') and that you have to keep busy because you get stressed if you don't. Think about what these narratives teach your DD. Your DD is acting like you. But she can be forgiven because she is 11. I would recommend you look into family scripts and systemic family therapy - it can really help you look at replication in parenting from your family of origin. It might help you feel less distressed and help you reflect on your reactions to things - posting here is a great step towards that

With kindness OP, your posts are extremely ‘me, me, me’ orientated and very self absorbed given you are dealing with your child who has made a small misdemeanour. With kids you can’t revert everything they do back to yourself - you have to look at situations objectively if you can. This ‘triggered’ stuff is nonsense. Some things you need to get over and stop turning into a mental health issue. Your wording about this is so dramatic. Your poor DD must be terrified.

It’s much better to let kinds make mistakes they can learn from early on while they are in your care and you can gently and kindly guide them, rather than later in life when there may be more at stake.

Put yourself second sometimes OP or your child won’t feel able to look to you for guidance or help if your reactions continue to be so intense and dramatic.

There is middle ground here.

To the people saying “poor kid,” she knew damn well what she was doing, and she would have known it was wrong. Let’s not pretend this is a toddler who just randomly clicked “buy more coins/bugs/whatever the bloody hell it is they’re buying.

No the OP shouldn’t have linked her bank account to the game, but the DD knew it was linked, she presumably had to ask the first time, and what she did was stealing.

A two week ban is perfectly ok, again, this isn’t a toddler who doesn’t understand the concept of time, she knew she had done wrong, and there have to be consequences.

In terms of berating the OP for not understanding her DD’s “hobby”, there are very definite questions to be asked about the amount of time such young children are spending on devices. Addiction is a genuine consideration when it comes to these games, and there are guidelines as to how much time children spend on screens for valid reasons.

Having been given the consequences for her behaviour, I wouldn’t tolerate her trying to negotiate her games back within hours. She did wrong, she pays the price, and then she gets the games back after a set period of time.

If the OP were to give in now then the child learns absolutely nothing other than how to be manipulative.

Some of the terminology e.g. not knowing how to “forgive” etc is OTT, but the reaction most certainly is not.

@BuddhaForMary

Is it just you and your DD op? If you want her to not spend so much time on gaming you'll need to make time for her. It sounds like you've let the ball drop wrt your mum/daughter relationship.

I get that it's hard juggling everything (I'm a single mum of multiple DC and I'm working) but your relationship with your daughter needs reassessing here, as does your idea that pastimes should be productive. She now thinks she can't talk to you about something she enjoys and is important to her? That's pretty sad.

Sorry if it comes across as harsh, but I think the teen years are going to be a struggle for you both if you don't reassess things now.

Yes it is just me and her. And I work very long hours. With the best will in the world I do try to make time for her but there's a limit to what I can do without losing my job. I'm lucky if there is a spare hour in the evening after I've finished work.

I take on the chin the point about my over-reaction to this situation: that's totally fair. But there is very little I can do about the time point.

You’ve overreacted, she’s just a kid with a kid’s thought process.

Also second therapy for you OP. Goodness knows how you’ll cope or how your relationship will be with DD if something really serious ever happens. I doubt she’ll even confide in you at this rate.

@Journeynotdestination

With kindness OP, your posts are extremely ‘me, me, me’ orientated and very self absorbed given you are dealing with your child who has made a small misdemeanour. With kids you can’t revert everything they do back to yourself - you have to look at situations objectively if you can. This ‘triggered’ stuff is nonsense. Some things you need to get over and stop turning into a mental health issue. Your wording about this is so dramatic. Your poor DD must be terrified.

It’s much better to let kinds make mistakes they can learn from early on while they are in your care and you can gently and kindly guide them, rather than later in life when there may be more at stake.

Put yourself second sometimes OP or your child won’t feel able to look to you for guidance or help if your reactions continue to be so intense and dramatic.

Sorry but I think that's unfair. This is a chat thread about relationships. I've come on her to talk about my relationship with my daughter. People have asked me to examine my reaction and I've done so. Kind of hard to avoid the "me" factor in here.

I do put myself second. All the time.

Had this from both my kids. Poor behaviour which needs cracking down on- but it is quite normal. No need to be super angry over it really.

I think you will need to pick your battles, especially going forward into the teenage years. Yes it isn't right what she has done, but a chat about asking first and maybe having more parental controls installed and that should be it, it's weird to feel lingering anger about something like this so try to examine your own emotions here.

My observation is that she didn't do this TO you.

She wanted it and thought she would get away with it. She wasnt thinking about you or getting caught. So forgive and forget and have her pay the money back.

Think of it like this, if you overreact to this will she ever approach you if she knows she has done something wrong that leads to her being in a dangerous situation?

Stay the course.

She misbehaved; yesterday you discussed what she had done wrong, about breach of trust, and about consequences . As a bright 11 yr old she should have taken that on board.

Instead, this morning she made it clear she doesn't accept suffering personal consequences of her misbehaviour . So you have to re-inforce the message.

Stick with it, so that she really understands and remembers.

Nobody ever died of not playing a computer game for a fortnight . But in later teen years, there will be much bigger and more serious issues where every parent has to draw a line. This is just the practice range.