Ending a marriage

[horseyhorsey17]

Hi everyone, I hope you'll be able to help me without judgmement. I've been married for 15 years, two lovely kids, but my husband and I are very different personalities and, without falling out, we've drifted apart for the last five years. I tried marriage counselling last year (which my husband went to but didn't engage with) and have tried to fix the problems in our marriage, but have come to the conclusion that they can't be fixed and we will need to separate. I am not in love with him - and if he is honest, he's not in love with me - and although we are friends, that is all we are. The physical side is non-existent. But I am not here for advice on how to make something work that isn't working - I was wondering, for those who've found themselves in a similar position, how do you go about ending a marriage? I have a good job and I don't think my husband will be a dick when it comes to child support. However, he is going to be extremely hurt and I hate inflicting pain on anyone - plus there will be all the practicalities of sorting out living arrangements while we presumably try and sell the house, and have no idea how that works. Plus of course the children will be gutted (although actually I think they will understand). Basically I want to do this as painlessly as possible so we can stay friends and co-parent, but having said all that, I think this will still come as a shock to my husband and it won't be at all easy. If anyone can offer any advice, I'd be most grateful.

I guess there are amicable divorces but I've never seen one. The problem is ppl tend to take it personally when somebody they trusted shits all over them.

Ending a relationship because it's not working for either of you isn't shitting all over someone though.

Of course amicable splits/divorces are possible. Mine was. However, even when amicable the emotional fallout can be bigger than you might expect. Keep in mind that the divorce process involves 3 elements:
(1) the legal ending of the marriage. Basically just paperwork.
(2) arrangements for children. Where will the children live? Who will look after them?
(3) money. How will any assets house, pensions, savings, cars, etc be divided between the parents? That includes ongoing child support. Sometimes those splitting may need to claim benefits, changes hours in jobs, etc..

With a long marriage, a reasonable starting point is 50/50 on the total value of the assets, possibly adjusted if one person is having to look after the children for more of the time or needs a new house.

In my experience, a common flashpoint is when a couple decides on a split, and then a 'friend' suggests seeing a lawyer to see if they might do 'better', or saying (based on decades old law cases) that the split 'should' be different.

Basically courts ideally want to see sensible arrangements for children and two parents enabled to go their own way. However, that is not always easy!

Another big issue tends to be with houses -- to sell, or one remains and buys out the other. But what if that is hard, what if one cannot raise funds for a new house. How should the value of pensions be compared to house equity, etc. etc.

Thanks waterspider that's really useful.
I was working on the assumption it'll be a 50/50 split. I don't want any more, I like to stand on my own two feet, but we'll both need to buy houses locally. It's the bit between deciding to separate and then actually doing all the practical stuff and moving out that seems really daunting. Do you have to live together for a bit then?

In April the no fault divorce becomes legal. I’d suggest do that. Go see a solicitor for how to get the ball rolling

I suggest you get your own bank account if you don’t already have one, then get your wage and any child benefits paid into it.
Solicitor will want to know how much money you both have in any accounts, and any other shares/ premium bonds etc.
Solicitor will want to know if you both have private pensions.
And they will want to know if you own your own home, approximately how much it’s worth, and how much equity is in it.
Then make an appointment for a chat.
I found the chat very reassuring and empowering.

@GeneLovesJezebel

I suggest you get your own bank account if you don’t already have one, then get your wage and any child benefits paid into it. Solicitor will want to know how much money you both have in any accounts, and any other shares/ premium bonds etc. Solicitor will want to know if you both have private pensions. And they will want to know if you own your own home, approximately how much it’s worth, and how much equity is in it. Then make an appointment for a chat. I found the chat very reassuring and empowering.

Thanks! I've got my own bank account, savings and private pension. (I am the child of a very bitter acrimonious divorce so have always maintained a 'safety net' just in case). Husband is a very high earner but I do OK.

I feel so sad thinking about sorting out practical stuff, but the alternative is just us living together in low-level misery forever. I just can't do that.

No, it’s hard to break up when it’s just ‘ok’ though isn’t it.

@needingpeace

In April the no fault divorce becomes legal. I’d suggest do that. Go see a solicitor for how to get the ball rolling

Thanks - I didn't know about this and will look into it. There is definitely no fault and I would hate to have to state that there was.

@GeneLovesJezebel

No, it’s hard to break up when it’s just ‘ok’ though isn’t it.

It's horrible. But I got to the point where I was seriously considering taking anti-depressants because I was so sad about the state of my marriage, and it was a wake-up call. If you have to drug yourself to stay married, something definitely isn't right.

My main worry tbh is that since we've been married my husband has lost touch with all his friends. He doesn't see anyone or go out, except very rarely. He's not close to his family (although they live nearby). He spends his spare time making models and really lives through the kids. I am very sociable and outgoing and have a large support network but am really worried how he'll cope without me. Although maybe he'll welcome the peace and quiet and I am overthinking this!

He is not your responsibility. And I say that kindly, think about yourself 💐

I'm in the same position. I've been unhappy for some time and have spoken to my husband about it but he's still really happy with me (even though our relationship is practically dead at this point). He's done nothing wrong, we've been together since we were teens and I just feel like it's not right anymore for me. If we didn't have a child things would be much easier!
The practicalities are so daunting aren't they! And they're what I spend most of my time stressing about. I think I'm going to speak to a solicitor to get some advice. I'd want it to be an amicable split too but I think that's probably difficult when the decision isn't mutual.
Good luck!

My DH doesn’t know I spoke to a solicitor. Honestly, I came away feeling very empowered.
I’m still with him at the moment, but we’ll see what happens in April.

Sound every similar to my marriage. We were living as nothing more than friends. We separated last year. Custody split of our 3 DCs is 60/40 purely because my working hours are more forgiving than exH’s. We both are renting within 15 mins drive of each other. We are still friends and can be in each other’s company without any awkwardness which is brilliant for the DCs - like a few weeks ago, his brother was over at his and wanted to see the kids. So they came to my house and we all had dinner together.
An amicable split is entirely possibly, but you have to get through the initial emotional fall out first. My ex struggled at first, and was still in a bubble of denial that I was actually leaving right up until the night before moving day. I worked the night before I moved out, and he had an emotional outburst over WhatsApp while I was at work. I think the Penny had finally dropped that I was leaving and I wasn’t coming back and that was difficult for him at first. Now, he can see that I’m happier, I’m taking care of myself, my stress levels are way lower because I no longer feel under pressure to put on the performance of the “happy housewife” like I did for years when we were together. All round, while it was painful at first for all of us, it’s worked out for the better. And we actually get along better now than we did when we were together - I think because all the expectations of eachother that were present within the marriage are no longer there. As long as our children are happy and healthy when they are with each parent, that’s all we both care about now.
Good luck OP. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise

@horseyhorsey17

My main worry tbh is that since we've been married my husband has lost touch with all his friends. He doesn't see anyone or go out, except very rarely. He's not close to his family (although they live nearby). He spends his spare time making models and really lives through the kids. I am very sociable and outgoing and have a large support network but am really worried how he'll cope without me. Although maybe he'll welcome the peace and quiet and I am overthinking this!

My husband is the same. I don't have loads of friends but I think that's my own fault really and that I've relied too much on him. I think a split would be a good thing for me in that way, it would force me to become closer to friends etc. He complains that his friends never make an effort with him but he's exactly the same! I think he's also become a bit reliant on me in a way which I don't think is necessarily a good thing in a relationship.

@Ringmaster27

Sound every similar to my marriage. We were living as nothing more than friends. We separated last year. Custody split of our 3 DCs is 60/40 purely because my working hours are more forgiving than exH’s. We both are renting within 15 mins drive of each other. We are still friends and can be in each other’s company without any awkwardness which is brilliant for the DCs - like a few weeks ago, his brother was over at his and wanted to see the kids. So they came to my house and we all had dinner together. An amicable split is entirely possibly, but you have to get through the initial emotional fall out first. My ex struggled at first, and was still in a bubble of denial that I was actually leaving right up until the night before moving day. I worked the night before I moved out, and he had an emotional outburst over WhatsApp while I was at work. I think the Penny had finally dropped that I was leaving and I wasn’t coming back and that was difficult for him at first. Now, he can see that I’m happier, I’m taking care of myself, my stress levels are way lower because I no longer feel under pressure to put on the performance of the “happy housewife” like I did for years when we were together. All round, while it was painful at first for all of us, it’s worked out for the better. And we actually get along better now than we did when we were together - I think because all the expectations of eachother that were present within the marriage are no longer there. As long as our children are happy and healthy when they are with each parent, that’s all we both care about now. Good luck OP. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise

This is so reassuring to read!! The "expectations" are definitely what I'm feeling right now. My husband says he doesn't have any expectations but we can't live like this for ever. I feel like to make things work I'd have to not be myself and force myself to be a certain way. So nice to hear that things can work out for the best 😊

Even an amicable divorce will likely contain a lot of sadness.
And a lot of details to be sorted out - custody of children; financial split etc.
You can stay living together while you sort this all out - separate bedrooms, ideally, if you have the space. But of course that can be awkward.
Or one of you could rent something nearby (it sounds like both of you could afford this?).

I don't have much to add, but was just going to say I know how you feel. 20 years here, and I think more than anything I've grown up, and changed. I've become a bit of a feminist, fed up with men's entitlement, realised that I should have stood up for what I think far more.
I always blamed my in-laws (MIL was utterly bloody to me, and I still have no relationship with her) but then finally came to realise, as often said, that I don't have an in-law problem, I have a husband problem - he should have stood up for me, for us, but he never wanted to 'rock the boat'. All of this has just led to a lack of respect of him, which in turn has meant I no longer feel very much for him. Intimacy now makes me cringe, because I've lost the emotional feelings for him. Biggest problem? He still 'loves' me, doesn't accept that anything has changed (and maybe he's right, it hasn't, but that's the problem). I was early 20's when we met, and fairly young for my age.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but good luck xxx

@Biddie191

I don't have much to add, but was just going to say I know how you feel. 20 years here, and I think more than anything I've grown up, and changed. I've become a bit of a feminist, fed up with men's entitlement, realised that I should have stood up for what I think far more. I always blamed my in-laws (MIL was utterly bloody to me, and I still have no relationship with her) but then finally came to realise, as often said, that I don't have an in-law problem, I have a husband problem - he should have stood up for me, for us, but he never wanted to 'rock the boat'. All of this has just led to a lack of respect of him, which in turn has meant I no longer feel very much for him. Intimacy now makes me cringe, because I've lost the emotional feelings for him. Biggest problem? He still 'loves' me, doesn't accept that anything has changed (and maybe he's right, it hasn't, but that's the problem). I was early 20's when we met, and fairly young for my age. Anyway, I'm rambling, but good luck xxx

I can identify with this quite strongly. I've always been a bit of a feminist but I've got less inclined to put up with cr@needingpeace

My husband also says he loves me - and I think he does, as I obviously care about him, but in a platonic way. The thing about my husband is he HATES hassle and change, he is an ostrich who won't face up to anything he finds uncomfortable, and therefore I think he actually would put up with being mildly miserable and not finding a partner who loved him properly for the rest of his life. That's what his parents are like!

Don't know why it changed cr@p to the needingpeace thing!

@treasure47

I'm in the same position. I've been unhappy for some time and have spoken to my husband about it but he's still really happy with me (even though our relationship is practically dead at this point). He's done nothing wrong, we've been together since we were teens and I just feel like it's not right anymore for me. If we didn't have a child things would be much easier! The practicalities are so daunting aren't they! And they're what I spend most of my time stressing about. I think I'm going to speak to a solicitor to get some advice. I'd want it to be an amicable split too but I think that's probably difficult when the decision isn't mutual. Good luck!

It sounds like you are me, except I was 30 when we got married. I've been struggling on for five years, feeling really disloyal for even thinking I'd be happier on my own, then a couple of days ago, I found myself telling my mum I wanted to separate, and she said she totally understood, and it felt like a weight had lifted. I think it might take a while to execute though, and I still have no idea how to actually tell him I want to separate. We've had lots of awkward conversations where I've skated round saying it, but I've never been able to actually say it and I know I have to be brave and actually say it at some point.

It's such a relief to talk about it with someone isn't it. My mum was really disappointed at first but has since realised how difficult it is for me and has been really supportive.
It is really hard saying the words. We've also had loads of awkward conversations, and a few where it seems as if that's it, we've separated, but I get this awful guilty feeling of dread and I've always sort of just relented. I know I need to just say it plainly without any confusion. It's awful hurting him, but I actually think I'm hurting him more by prolonging this 😔

OP- I waited to raise the topic of separating until we were both calm and had some time to talk. I pitched it as being good for him, that he would benefit from a break from our marriage and family life. I suggested 6 months trial and then see how it goes. He agreed although had second thoughts and it then took some perseverance on my part to get him to move out (6 weeks). I did not make demands on him to act immediately. We told the children together when we were both calm.

Once I had made the proposal of separation I did not engage in any discussion of what went wrong or how we could "fix" the marriage. If he started along those lines I listened and said, "we are beyond all that now and we both need this to happen".

I did not argue or engage in any fighting. I was detached and calm until he moved out (no sleeping in the same bed, no tears, no physical contact). I ignored him as much as I could without being rude. I focussed on the kids.

I'm not saying this is ideal but it worked for me. I had the "advantage" though of a very passive (aggressive) husband who always let me make the decisions.

It is never easy and it will take time. I have zero regrets though- I am far happier and the children are fine.

SAME! I know that feeling of dread and will have to brace myself for it. Although having said that, I am going to wait until I've spoken to a solicitor before saying anything. Let me know how you get on!