Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending a marriage

148 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 03/03/2022 11:52

Hi everyone, I hope you'll be able to help me without judgmement. I've been married for 15 years, two lovely kids, but my husband and I are very different personalities and, without falling out, we've drifted apart for the last five years. I tried marriage counselling last year (which my husband went to but didn't engage with) and have tried to fix the problems in our marriage, but have come to the conclusion that they can't be fixed and we will need to separate. I am not in love with him - and if he is honest, he's not in love with me - and although we are friends, that is all we are. The physical side is non-existent. But I am not here for advice on how to make something work that isn't working - I was wondering, for those who've found themselves in a similar position, how do you go about ending a marriage? I have a good job and I don't think my husband will be a dick when it comes to child support. However, he is going to be extremely hurt and I hate inflicting pain on anyone - plus there will be all the practicalities of sorting out living arrangements while we presumably try and sell the house, and have no idea how that works. Plus of course the children will be gutted (although actually I think they will understand). Basically I want to do this as painlessly as possible so we can stay friends and co-parent, but having said all that, I think this will still come as a shock to my husband and it won't be at all easy. If anyone can offer any advice, I'd be most grateful.

OP posts:
MThompson · 03/03/2022 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

treasure47 · 03/03/2022 15:06

@horseyhorsey17

SAME! I know that feeling of dread and will have to brace myself for it. Although having said that, I am going to wait until I've spoken to a solicitor before saying anything. Let me know how you get on!
I'm unsure whether to talk to a solicitor before telling him or not. I think he'd be really angry and upset if he knew I'd done that without mentioning it to him first.. It's reassuring to know others are in a similar position as sometimes I feel like I'm the only person to feel like this!
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 03/03/2022 15:07

@MThompson

I think you should turn to American law lawrina.com/us-law/state/alaska/regulations/title-7/part-1/chapter-5/article-2/section-7-aac-5-630/ , or if you find it difficult to deal with all this yourself, then you can turn to a lawyer for help
I'm in the UK.
OP posts:
2boysDad · 03/03/2022 15:11

The hardest part will be working out the childcare arrangements - once that is sorted, everything else will be clearer.

Until that's agreed, you won't be able to work out anything re: finances/accomodation etc.

So focus on the kids.

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 15:29

Talking to a solicitor is no one else’s business.
It is a fact finding mission for yourself.

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/03/2022 15:30

For me the sticking point is that I want to buy him out of the house. I do not want to sell it, and that’s the sticking point.
He doesn’t/won’t see that we have a problem, so why should he ship out.

19Bears · 03/03/2022 17:04

@horseyhorsey17 I've taken three quotes of what you've said that I relate to 100%

I feel so sad thinking about sorting out practical stuff, but the alternative is just us living together in low-level misery forever. I just can't do that.

If you have to drug yourself to stay married, something definitely isn't right.

The thing about my husband is he HATES hassle and change, he is an ostrich who won't face up to anything he finds uncomfortable, and therefore I think he actually would put up with being mildly miserable and not finding a partner who loved him properly for the rest of his life

All I can say is, you KNOW when it's over, and there's no coming back from that. Please don't end up like me flailing around wanting to separate but not being able to say the words and beating yourself up for three years. I have actually told him how unhappy I am, on several occasions, but have stopped short of saying the words 'separate' or 'divorce' out loud. It's really hard. But staying this way forever will be harder still, so please do it as soon as you can. April is next month. I've been psyching myself up for no fault since it was proposed years ago, followed by so much frustrating delay getting through parliament and becoming law. But it's next month. Really really terrifying, but it's now or never. Good luck OP x

19Bears · 03/03/2022 17:05

Same @GeneLovesJezebel I want to buy him out too, not that he knows, but I can imagine he won't go easily. I just want the kids to stay where they are and be settled through all of this.

Fourhorses · 05/03/2022 02:09

I so needed to read this. I am in exactly the same position, granted you seem to have greater clarity and acceptance than me. Following this thread with great interest, it’s a wake up call for me to be honest, nothing is going to move forward until I take some action, someone told me to treat it like a job/project.

To real someone else so clearly say that the kids suffer in this environment is a relief, I am starting to see it on a daily basis.

I am at the exact same stage as you. Wishing you the best and thanks for posting :)

Fourhorses · 05/03/2022 02:10

I started antidepressants three months ago, a bit mistake, they wiped me an made me feel hopeless which was not helpful. They couldn’t fit my circumstances. Off them now.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/03/2022 13:42

I was thinking about going on them, and it just dawned on me that I was literally trying to medicate myself so that I could stay married. When I thought about not being married instead, I realised I wasn't depressed, I was just trapped in a situation I didn't know how to deal with. I've tried a lot to fix the marriage, including changing myself, and it hasn't worked and isn't a way forward anyway. But now I've realised that I need to end the marriage, I feel a sense of inner calm - even though I've still got to actually do it.

For the last week, I've tried letting my husband iniatiate any contact/conversation between us. The upshot is there hasn't been any. He has however bought me two bunches of flowers and a top. He can't speak to me but he can buy me stuff. And that's why we need to separate. He is a lovely man but we are just not right for each other any more.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 14:17

I wondered if my problem was peri menopause, and if HRT would fix my marriage, but HRT doesn’t stop him drinking etc.
I just think I’ve become a different person now my kids have grown, I’m not as tolerant and want my own way more.
He’s really getting in my nerves today, making stupid pathetic jokes. I just wish he would go away.

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 14:20

It’s got to the point where I, more often than not, go and sit in another room as I don’t want to be with him.
I’ve thought about going on holiday with him, and the thought of being stuck with him for 7 days is awful. I’m actually dreading him asking.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/03/2022 14:24

Know the feeling. I can't look mine in the eye now I've made the decision I need to end things. I am sitting at my computer 'working' to avoid having to have any kind of conversation.

Ironically, I booked loads of holidays this year, as subconsciously I've been thinking that having fun together might fix things. But it was going skiing together with the kids that made me realise we're over. We couldn't sleep in the same room, even in a tiny little studio flat, and barely exchanged a word all week.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/03/2022 14:25

I also thought the problem might be perimenopause. I've been to the doctor several times, and they've done tests and everything has come back normal. I couldn't understand it as I felt so dreadful. But I've realised the symptoms were actually psychological and coming from anxiety/stress about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/03/2022 14:33

Just found this link and the opening paragraph is, to the word, the situation that I am in! www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/divorce-grownups/200911/telling-your-spouse-you-want-divorce

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 05/03/2022 15:50

I so feel for you OP, I’m in a similar situation but luckily don’t gave children still at home. I do have the complication of being overseas so am sorting this aspect out first before I initiate anything at all. Last thing I want is my stuff being stuck overseas because of the expense of getting it back off my own back. (Money I haven’t personally got) My H did some very stupid upsetting things a good many years ago but I only found out 5 years ago— I’ve simply never felt the same about us since and believe me I have tried. He isn't a bad man at all and I am sure would be much in demand! we get on well a fair bit of the time but I simply don’t feel romantically /sexually interested anymore and I know this frustrates him a lot — like you say it causes low grade unhappiness thats always with you. I think we could remain very good friends, whether he wishes to be so or a new partner makes that difficult I realise is beyond my control, so you have to be aware that it may/may not end up that amicable— it takes two (plus any new partner complications on their part) . Like you say it’s hard getting the words out isn’t it. In my case my H was extremely sorry for the stupid things he did but fir me it ruined things and heads and hearts are funny things.

WhatsitWiggle · 05/03/2022 16:03

I'm in a similar position OP. Realised during the first lockdown that I didn't want to be living with someone who clearly didn't love or care for me anymore but the fallout will be huge. My eyes were opened though and I can see this isn't good for me or my daughter. I want to buy him out but no idea on the value of the house as prices have skyrocketed where I am.

I wanted to be clear myself on everything but actually now I think I just need to tell him, hope he agrees to find a rental and agree custody and then sort the finances / stuff.

Midlifemusings · 05/03/2022 16:10

If he doesn't love you either and also feels it isn't working at all as you have said, then why do you think he will be very hurt?

If both of you feel you are just platonic friends in a non functional marriage, and have talked about this - it might be just as much a relief to him as it is to you. There is a lot of stigma about men leaving their wives and children and so he may just not feel comfortable being the one saying it is over. When women leave it is seen as empowering, when men leave it is seen as abandoning.

19Bears · 05/03/2022 16:10

I've just read that article @horseyhorsey17 and it's pretty much exactly how I want to have that conversation. No going into blame and reasons and having to defend why I want this, just trying to make it clear this is my decision after many years of consideration, and that nothing it going to change my mind. I want to do this, and I feel like I really can, I hope...... In fact, I was going to do it tonight when the kids were out at their gran's, but he announced this morning that he is out tonight. I'll have to do it tomorrow. I can't let it drag on and on. Did you find the article helpful? Do you think you can do it??? Flowers

Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 16:13

@horseyhorsey17

Thanks waterspider that's really useful. I was working on the assumption it'll be a 50/50 split. I don't want any more, I like to stand on my own two feet, but we'll both need to buy houses locally. It's the bit between deciding to separate and then actually doing all the practical stuff and moving out that seems really daunting. Do you have to live together for a bit then?
Unless 50/50 care Then this is a daft approach to have at the outset
Landedonfeet · 05/03/2022 16:16

I’m out the other side
4 years later

Op
You need good legal representation
Mine was kick ass

And if you have a good relationship, which I did and still do with my ex, I’d urged mediation. We had three and saved thousands

And don’t say daft things about “wanting to stand on your own two feet”.

If you have the children 70% of the time why one earth would you not receive more.

RandomMess · 05/03/2022 16:40

Also as a higher earning your DH can afford a bigger mortgage to have equitable homes. You may be looking at more like a 55-65% share of total assets if you have the DC more than 50:50.

Certainly speak to a good solicitor about what sort of award the courts would give with the living arrangements you think he will want/agree to for the DC. If he's very hands on then it may be that you do have 50:50 care and you only get a little more of the assets to reflect that your mortgage capability is lower than his.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 13:21

Ah yes I see what you mean. Didn't think of that but of course you are correct.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 13:23

My husband does literally earn three times what I do.

I will speak to a solicitor as while I do want to be fair, there's a good chance that guilt at being the one to end things may see me agreeing to taking less of the assets than I am actually entitled to. That would indeed be daft.

OP posts: