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Original poster

Ending a marriage

148 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 03/03/2022 11:52

Hi everyone, I hope you'll be able to help me without judgmement. I've been married for 15 years, two lovely kids, but my husband and I are very different personalities and, without falling out, we've drifted apart for the last five years. I tried marriage counselling last year (which my husband went to but didn't engage with) and have tried to fix the problems in our marriage, but have come to the conclusion that they can't be fixed and we will need to separate. I am not in love with him - and if he is honest, he's not in love with me - and although we are friends, that is all we are. The physical side is non-existent. But I am not here for advice on how to make something work that isn't working - I was wondering, for those who've found themselves in a similar position, how do you go about ending a marriage? I have a good job and I don't think my husband will be a dick when it comes to child support. However, he is going to be extremely hurt and I hate inflicting pain on anyone - plus there will be all the practicalities of sorting out living arrangements while we presumably try and sell the house, and have no idea how that works. Plus of course the children will be gutted (although actually I think they will understand). Basically I want to do this as painlessly as possible so we can stay friends and co-parent, but having said all that, I think this will still come as a shock to my husband and it won't be at all easy. If anyone can offer any advice, I'd be most grateful.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 07/03/2022 11:54

@horseyhorsey17

Well I've just told him. He took it well although who knows whether that will change. We were both calm. We both have a lot of work on today. I feel weirdly kind of numb.

Let's see what happens now.

Well done, I know it’s hard. I suggest you keep talking to keep it moving forward. Don’t make my mistake !
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 08/03/2022 08:34

Massive sadness has kicked in today. I feel very tearful at the fact that after all we've built together, we will go in separate ways. Worried about how it will effect the kids, worried about money. But it wasn't a decision I took lightly so hopefully this too shall pass.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 08/03/2022 09:19

You will have doubts, and perhaps mourn the marriage and retirement you thought you were going to have.
But try to remember why you are doing this, and look forwards towards the life you want 💐

treasure47 · 08/03/2022 09:20

@horseyhorsey17

Massive sadness has kicked in today. I feel very tearful at the fact that after all we've built together, we will go in separate ways. Worried about how it will effect the kids, worried about money. But it wasn't a decision I took lightly so hopefully this too shall pass.
I felt exactly the same the day after too. Just kept bursting into tears. It's so difficult when you don't hate the person, you just know that it's not working. It's hard getting out of the familiarity of routines too (although some we'll just have to stick with for now). I find myself still thinking about what he's going to have for dinner/making sure there's something for him/cooking for him etc. it feels too heartless just to leave him to it even though I know I don't have to feed him! It's just what I've always done! We're actually getting on pretty well (the little we have seen each other) for now. Which is nice but also a little confusing because then I start to think "is it really bad enough to leave?" But then I have to remember that we don't love each other in the same way so it'll be better for us both to separate. I do actually worry that he'll find hope in the fact we're getting along and think I may change my mind. I feel like I just have no idea how to navigate this - how do you separate a life with someone when it's the only one you've really ever known?

Are things still calm between you both? Have you spoken about things again since the initial conversation? Hang in there, you're not alone even though as I'm finding out, it's quite a lonely experience. I haven't told anyone yet, I want to be "sure" it's what's happening first. I'm trying not to get back into the endless circle of "will I won't I?" though.

treasure47 · 08/03/2022 09:26

I also feel that sadness at giving up the life I imagined I'd have. I'm sad that it hasn't worked out the way I thought/hoped it would. I always thought I'd have 2 children, and I still would but I know it's not right to stay for that reason and to bring another child into something that my heart isn't in anymore won't be good for anyone. So I'm tiring aside those thoughts for now. I'm incredibly lucky to have one DS. I'm early 30s so I could still go on to meet someone else and have another child but it's not something I'm thinking too much about. If it happens it happens, if not it doesn't. I just want my DS to be happy, and for him to have happy parents. I've focused far too much on "life goals" in the past rather than just actually living, and I can't fall back into that trap again.

treasure47 · 08/03/2022 09:29

@treasure47

I also feel that sadness at giving up the life I imagined I'd have. I'm sad that it hasn't worked out the way I thought/hoped it would. I always thought I'd have 2 children, and I still would but I know it's not right to stay for that reason and to bring another child into something that my heart isn't in anymore won't be good for anyone. So I'm tiring aside those thoughts for now. I'm incredibly lucky to have one DS. I'm early 30s so I could still go on to meet someone else and have another child but it's not something I'm thinking too much about. If it happens it happens, if not it doesn't. I just want my DS to be happy, and for him to have happy parents. I've focused far too much on "life goals" in the past rather than just actually living, and I can't fall back into that trap again.
*putting aside
HaggisBurger · 08/03/2022 09:38

@horseyhorsey17

Massive sadness has kicked in today. I feel very tearful at the fact that after all we've built together, we will go in separate ways. Worried about how it will effect the kids, worried about money. But it wasn't a decision I took lightly so hopefully this too shall pass.
Well done @horseyhorsey17. This was me almost exactly a year ago! It will pass. It does pass. My kids understand even though it’s been hard for them. I’m glad your DH was reasonable. There will likely be different stages ahead for you both.

Don’t let “guilt” at being the one to call time cloud your financial decisions. Not least because it will have a negative effect on your kids young forward. 50/50 split of all assets is the starting point with consideration given for needs of one spouse particularly housing for kids etc. Stay strong

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 08/03/2022 10:49

Thanks for words of support, that actually really helps! We haven't talked much since 'the chat' yesterday and he is working in London today/tomorrow so I won't really see him until Thurs. I've spoken to my own family and friends who have been helpful and supportive - I am lucky in that respect. I think we both need a few days to reflect and then I will talk to him again about the practical side of things.

OP posts:
treasure47 · 08/03/2022 12:31

@horseyhorsey17

Thanks for words of support, that actually really helps! We haven't talked much since 'the chat' yesterday and he is working in London today/tomorrow so I won't really see him until Thurs. I've spoken to my own family and friends who have been helpful and supportive - I am lucky in that respect. I think we both need a few days to reflect and then I will talk to him again about the practical side of things.
That's really good that you're getting support, must make you feel relieved. I've spoken to my mum about it just now and she's really sad about it and I can tell deep down that she thinks I'm making a mistake. Well, I think she's worried about my financial situation going forward, which of course I am too!

Have you looked into anything like benefits/what you'd be able to afford on your own yet? She suggested that I do that so I can see what I'm working with. I think I'd be able to claim universal credit but not 100% sure who can advise about that - Citizens advice maybe.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 08/03/2022 15:45

I have looked at the government website to see what I'd be entitled to - as I have a fairly decent salary, I am only entitled to child support, spousal maintenance (if agreed although I think it would be), and child benefit. I am not sure what the threshhold is for Universal Credit - it didn't apply to me but would apply to others. Even if it's only £50, it all helps when sorting out a mortgage.

We'd also split the assets - we have a house so I should get at least enough for a decent deposit, and then I could take a small mortgage on top, as I'm in the south-east where there are no cheap houses! Plus I am entitled to a share in his pension. I actually have a private pension of my own as well, not sure if he's entitled to a share of that!

OP posts:
2boysDad · 08/03/2022 16:12

You might want to post on the "Legal Matters" board as there are some very helpful family lawyers who often contribute and who could help you with some (brief) advice re: your last post. They know more than me but.....

Spousal maintenance is very rarely awarded these days unless there's a huge discrepency in earnings. It's unlikely you'll entitled to it.

You're not necessarily entitled to child support either. That's only payable if you are the main carer for your kids, if your "soon to be ex" looks after the kids more than you do, you'll be paying child support to him.

Getting some proper legal advice as soon as possible will help to clear all this up for you.

Landedonfeet · 08/03/2022 16:40

Have you still not secured a lawyer?

HaggisBurger · 08/03/2022 16:41

@horseyhorsey17

I have looked at the government website to see what I'd be entitled to - as I have a fairly decent salary, I am only entitled to child support, spousal maintenance (if agreed although I think it would be), and child benefit. I am not sure what the threshhold is for Universal Credit - it didn't apply to me but would apply to others. Even if it's only £50, it all helps when sorting out a mortgage.

We'd also split the assets - we have a house so I should get at least enough for a decent deposit, and then I could take a small mortgage on top, as I'm in the south-east where there are no cheap houses! Plus I am entitled to a share in his pension. I actually have a private pension of my own as well, not sure if he's entitled to a share of that!

Obvs get proper advice but the idea on pensions is that you get parity - so you are both in the “same” position on retirement. So if the H has 500k in some all singing final salary pension (say he’s public sector) and the W has 75k in a basic stakeholder pension - hers would be taken into account and a certain proportion of his “given” to her by means of a pension sharing order made by the court which his pension provider would have to action. Unfortunately valuing pensions is complex and expensive (but often very very worthwhile if the pension pot is big / public sector) but it can be worth appointing an actuary to do this to ensure you don’t get shafted.
Landedonfeet · 08/03/2022 16:42

We got a pension forensic analysis

£1k

But so worth it

PerseverancePays · 08/03/2022 17:45

Mediation services are your friend here before you incur the expenses of lawyers. It also keeps things on an even keel . Keep the lawyers for later on as they can come from a more combative angle. You want to be able to co parent effectively afterwards, so although you should get your fair share you also want him to feel that he was part of the process of reaching the goals.
Well done for getting the ball rolling. Like you said, if it was up to him, he would rather you were miserable and on AD, than rock the boat. You are being a good example to your children.

Landedonfeet · 08/03/2022 18:24

We did mediation
But you absolutely need a lawyer as wellI to get real benefit from it

Mine really helped me with what I should be going for
And at end session (3 was fine for us) we went through a established plan dor nex session

RedHeadPom · 08/03/2022 18:29

I recognise myself in so many of these feeling/examples. Been unhappy for so long I've forgotten how not to be, on the outside, sunny & cheerful. I am looking at all the advise & will start with speaking to a lawyer first. Hope all are kind to themselves & we achieve the happiness in our lives we deserve

Mumof3confused · 08/03/2022 18:48

I’m in exactly the same position. We are separating. Bear in mind that financially all your assets and debts go into one pot. Savings, investments, pensions, family home, credit card debt, loans all forms part of the ‘pot’.

Sisiwawa · 08/03/2022 18:49

After posting on here a few weeks ago about a similar situation and getting great advice, I had 'The Big Chat' with my husband, he took it well, was upset but understood and agreed its probably for the best, we had a chat with DS to break the news, I was dreading that so much that I've put this of for years, but DS was v understanding and level-headed. Went a lot better than I thought so that's a huge relief. Now DH is looking for alternative accommodation, but it really feels that things are in motion. Some days I worry if I'm doing the right thing, but I know I need to do this. Just posting to say that the fear of the big talks was worse than the talks! It means we are no longer prolonging the inevitable.

Onlyrainbows · 08/03/2022 18:56

Completely different POV from yours. Financially a divorce wouldn't make any sense at all and our marriage (albeit with many flaws) still works for us.

squidsin · 08/03/2022 21:24

I am and always have been the main carer btw. I took a big step back in my career to have/look after the kids. He is a high earner, much more so than me. But the money stuff still worries me, especially reading about energy bills going through the roof now.

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/03/2022 06:23

@Sisiwawa

After posting on here a few weeks ago about a similar situation and getting great advice, I had 'The Big Chat' with my husband, he took it well, was upset but understood and agreed its probably for the best, we had a chat with DS to break the news, I was dreading that so much that I've put this of for years, but DS was v understanding and level-headed. Went a lot better than I thought so that's a huge relief. Now DH is looking for alternative accommodation, but it really feels that things are in motion. Some days I worry if I'm doing the right thing, but I know I need to do this. Just posting to say that the fear of the big talks was worse than the talks! It means we are no longer prolonging the inevitable.
Well done, and I hope you get the future you have dreamed of 💐
GeneLovesJezebel · 09/03/2022 06:29

@squidsin

I am and always have been the main carer btw. I took a big step back in my career to have/look after the kids. He is a high earner, much more so than me. But the money stuff still worries me, especially reading about energy bills going through the roof now.
That’s what worries me, finances, but I wrote it all down on a piece of paper. Everything coming in and going out, realised I can claim child benefit if I don’t include his wage. Having the free chat with the solicitor was very empowering. You having lost out on wages and pension to have the children while his career progressed will be taken into account.
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 09/03/2022 09:18

@2boysDad

You might want to post on the "Legal Matters" board as there are some very helpful family lawyers who often contribute and who could help you with some (brief) advice re: your last post. They know more than me but.....

Spousal maintenance is very rarely awarded these days unless there's a huge discrepency in earnings. It's unlikely you'll entitled to it.

You're not necessarily entitled to child support either. That's only payable if you are the main carer for your kids, if your "soon to be ex" looks after the kids more than you do, you'll be paying child support to him.

Getting some proper legal advice as soon as possible will help to clear all this up for you.

I'm the main carer and always have been - and took a step back in my career to do it - and the thought of having to pay support to him is terrifying as he earns three times my salary. I am certainly not doing this because I think I am going to gain financially from it - quite the opposite tbh, which scares me quite a lot.
OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 09/03/2022 09:22

@Landedonfeet

Have you still not secured a lawyer?
Not yet, I only told him I wanted to separate two days ago.
OP posts: