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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending a marriage

148 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 03/03/2022 11:52

Hi everyone, I hope you'll be able to help me without judgmement. I've been married for 15 years, two lovely kids, but my husband and I are very different personalities and, without falling out, we've drifted apart for the last five years. I tried marriage counselling last year (which my husband went to but didn't engage with) and have tried to fix the problems in our marriage, but have come to the conclusion that they can't be fixed and we will need to separate. I am not in love with him - and if he is honest, he's not in love with me - and although we are friends, that is all we are. The physical side is non-existent. But I am not here for advice on how to make something work that isn't working - I was wondering, for those who've found themselves in a similar position, how do you go about ending a marriage? I have a good job and I don't think my husband will be a dick when it comes to child support. However, he is going to be extremely hurt and I hate inflicting pain on anyone - plus there will be all the practicalities of sorting out living arrangements while we presumably try and sell the house, and have no idea how that works. Plus of course the children will be gutted (although actually I think they will understand). Basically I want to do this as painlessly as possible so we can stay friends and co-parent, but having said all that, I think this will still come as a shock to my husband and it won't be at all easy. If anyone can offer any advice, I'd be most grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 13:25

@Midlifemusings

If he doesn't love you either and also feels it isn't working at all as you have said, then why do you think he will be very hurt?

If both of you feel you are just platonic friends in a non functional marriage, and have talked about this - it might be just as much a relief to him as it is to you. There is a lot of stigma about men leaving their wives and children and so he may just not feel comfortable being the one saying it is over. When women leave it is seen as empowering, when men leave it is seen as abandoning.

I think he's been deluding himself that everything is fine. I really do. I think he does love me, just in a platonic way. I would love it to be actually be a relief to him too, but realistically I don't think that will happen.
OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 13:27

I'm going to have to do it. I am just not sure when. Hopefully a time will present itself when the kids aren't here and when we can have that conversation.

Good luck with doing it too.

OP posts:
Sailfin · 06/03/2022 13:36

Going through similar.

No sex for years, no real communication, separate bedrooms... he and our adult son (who lives at home) are like best buddies and I am not included in anything.

Last year, my dh became emotionally abusive.

I have no money and no where to go, but I can't go on like this.

SansaClegane · 06/03/2022 13:38

Hi horseyhorsey,
You've gotten some good advice already. Just wanted to let you know, from someone 'on the other side', that it can work out and be alright!
I split from exH 5 years ago. The first half year to a year were horrific; he was first upset and then very angry, at times I didn't feel safe around him. We used a mediator - this helped us discuss things in a neutral environment and I felt much safer with someone else present - but unlike solicitors, the mediator wasn't there to stir shit, but to help us find an arrangement that would benefit everyone.
Now exH and I get on better than ever, coparenting is going ok although he doesn't see the kids as much as I'd like, it's probably more than he did when we were still married?!
Like you, I didn't have any particular reason to separate, but I was so deeply unhappy I felt suicidal at the thought of this being my life forever. No sex, constant arguments, resentments, he was physically absent for most of the DCs waking hours; I just felt trapped and as if I'd been buried alive.
Although life as a single parent is hard, I'm so much happier, I have goals, I am independent, I am enjoying life again.
You will get through this! Good luck.

TheLeadbetterLife · 06/03/2022 13:54

Good luck OP. If it helps, there’s loads of divorce in my family and a lot of it has been amicable, though I would say that even those ones involved some pain and stress at first - it’s inevitable with any big change I think.

One thing that is noticeable is that my family is pretty pragmatic about divorce and long term relationships. Personally I think that lifelong monogamy with one person is probably not natural, and that most people, if there were no societal constructs putting pressure on them, would maybe have three or four long term relationships over a lifetime.

It’s notable how many people on this thread have said they felt like something was wrong with them for falling out of love, or blaming the menopause. What if the thing that is wrong is the whole idea of lifelong marriage?

I hope my husband doesn’t read this ;)

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 17:49

I completely agree. Marriage was OK back in the days when you were lucky to live until 50 anyway. but now most of us live into our 70s/80s and may end up married for 40/50 years, the prospect of being able to put up with anyone for that long must be a lot slimmer.

I definitely won't marry again. It's not for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 17:50

I am really sorry to hear this, and hope you are OK and able to find help. Not sure how much I can help but if you need someone to talk to then feel free to DM me.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 17:51

@horseyhorsey17

I am really sorry to hear this, and hope you are OK and able to find help. Not sure how much I can help but if you need someone to talk to then feel free to DM me.
This was for Sailfin but I forgot to quote.
OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/03/2022 17:52

Thanks, TheLeadBetterLife, it's good to hear that!

OP posts:
Landedonfeet · 06/03/2022 18:29

Do you have friends locally?

I would urge a local recommendation for a solicitor

sweatervest · 06/03/2022 19:37

i went to see a solicitor recently to see where i stand.
i am like other posters further up - i avoid him at wherever possible and am always out or busy and i just want him to leave. i will never ever go on a date again or have a relationship. it's ruined me tbh.

i had a free half hour with a solicitor and i would be a mess if i hadn't had it.
it's reassuring to know that i'm not alone in this!! and i fell all of your pain! could we not get all of the males mentioned in this thread on a whats app group and they can all houseshare somewhere and share their tales of woe?!

19Bears · 06/03/2022 20:17

@horseyhorsey17 yes, I just read that the other day in the book I'm reading, that marriage was great when as a woman you depended on a man to 'keep you' until you died at 40 or 50ish, and that was that. But things are so so different now. I really do think relationships come and go, and you shouldn't feel trapped because you got married. I wish I'd never got married, as it feels like an extra layer of being trapped. You make this big promise, and who knows how it's going to turn out?? If I'd known for a second that my husband would turn Tory (via UKIP and Brexit Party ffs) or that I would go 11 years without sex, would I have gone through with it??? No way! Not a chance! Yet here I am. You should be free to call it a day without guilt, but we beat ourselves up about it, even when we've reached breaking point. I hope all of us here get out of it. We have to xx

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/03/2022 08:17

[quote 19Bears]@horseyhorsey17 yes, I just read that the other day in the book I'm reading, that marriage was great when as a woman you depended on a man to 'keep you' until you died at 40 or 50ish, and that was that. But things are so so different now. I really do think relationships come and go, and you shouldn't feel trapped because you got married. I wish I'd never got married, as it feels like an extra layer of being trapped. You make this big promise, and who knows how it's going to turn out?? If I'd known for a second that my husband would turn Tory (via UKIP and Brexit Party ffs) or that I would go 11 years without sex, would I have gone through with it??? No way! Not a chance! Yet here I am. You should be free to call it a day without guilt, but we beat ourselves up about it, even when we've reached breaking point. I hope all of us here get out of it. We have to xx[/quote]
Oh my god, you poor thing, you have suffered enough!

That is the thing though, people do change. I suppose it depends if you change in a way that both of you can adapt to, and in our case, we haven't.

I am going to attempt to tell him this week.

OP posts:
treasure47 · 07/03/2022 08:25

Good luck @horseyhorsey17! I did it this weekend and it's been horrible. I'm trying really hard to stick to the decision because I can feel myself feeling like I should give up. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed about what's next and also hugely hugely guilty. Hopefully your husband will agree that it's for the best.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/03/2022 08:29

@treasure47

Good luck *@horseyhorsey17*! I did it this weekend and it's been horrible. I'm trying really hard to stick to the decision because I can feel myself feeling like I should give up. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed about what's next and also hugely hugely guilty. Hopefully your husband will agree that it's for the best.
Well done for doing it, and stay strong. Like you I am sure I will be put under pressure to change my mind, seeing as my husband has spent the last year saying there's nothing wrong with our marriage. Which is actually gaslighting me for thinking there is, but anyway! I hope you're getting plenty of support. You can get through this. Hopefully we all can!
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 07/03/2022 08:32

My advice is to stay strong and remember what you want the outcome to be.
I had the talk, but somehow I’m still here.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/03/2022 08:33

@GeneLovesJezebel

My advice is to stay strong and remember what you want the outcome to be. I had the talk, but somehow I’m still here.
I could easily imagine that happening. My husband is quite capable of just ignoring/pretending I haven't said something if it makes him uncomfortable.
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 07/03/2022 09:50

We had the chat, he said he’d look at moving out, then nothing.
And I was too anxious to bring it up again, then it was Xmas and I wanted to see my kids on that day.
When I do it again I will have the chat and agree there and then on a day to have a follow up chat.

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/03/2022 09:51

When I finally got up courage to have the chat it was easier than I thought, and I felt so relaxed after. And my sleep improved.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/03/2022 10:01

Well I've just told him. He took it well although who knows whether that will change. We were both calm. We both have a lot of work on today. I feel weirdly kind of numb.

Let's see what happens now.

OP posts:
treasure47 · 07/03/2022 10:09

@horseyhorsey17

Well I've just told him. He took it well although who knows whether that will change. We were both calm. We both have a lot of work on today. I feel weirdly kind of numb.

Let's see what happens now.

That's a really positive sign if he took it well! It'll be so much easier if you can both agree that it's the right thing. I felt numb afterwards too, still do!

I keep having this crippling guilt about my son and that me doing this is not good for him and means I'm a terrible mother. I love DS more than anything, I'm so hard on myself about everything but one thing I feel quite confident about is the fact I'm a good mum, yet I still feel like this. Ultimately I know living the way we have been isn't good for him though (but then that also makes me feel guilty that I should just "get on with it" and "make" things better). Ugh, guilt is the worst feeling, especially with a child involved.
Anyway, sorry to go on about me! Well done for doing it, the first big step is out of the way and you can hopefully move forward with a plan together now. It'll be so much better for all involved if things are as calm as possible. Hope things stay that way for you!

Pixiedust1234 · 07/03/2022 10:12

[quote horseyhorsey17]Just found this link and the opening paragraph is, to the word, the situation that I am in! www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/divorce-grownups/200911/telling-your-spouse-you-want-divorce[/quote]
Thanks for posting that link. Tbh I am really dreading having the conversation as I know he will be angry.

DoItAfraid · 07/03/2022 10:37

@Pyewhacket

I guess there are amicable divorces but I've never seen one. The problem is ppl tend to take it personally when somebody they trusted shits all over them.
The OP literally just posted that she wants to do things amicably. Why would you talk about “shitting all over someone”? @Pyewhacket

Literally dont get why you posted that.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/03/2022 11:00

I still have to break this to my kids and of course I feel guilty about that - although having said that, I don't see why we can't co-parent and be civilised, and why things need to change massively. What held me back from doing this for the last couple of years was worry about the impact on them. It's natural to worry about that. But most kids experience divorce at some point or another these days, it's not the stigma or big deal that it used to be. Anyway fingers crossed that all this stays civilised for their sake.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 07/03/2022 11:15

Unless there is a trigger like an ongoing affair I don’t understand those who erupt and make an arse of themselves if stuff can be talked through in terms of money/kids etc— I understand people being worried and anxious about money etc — but let’s face it who with any self respect wants to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be 100% in once itsxall out in the open. Wishing you all the best OP!!