Ending a marriage

[horseyhorsey17]

Hi everyone, I hope you'll be able to help me without judgmement. I've been married for 15 years, two lovely kids, but my husband and I are very different personalities and, without falling out, we've drifted apart for the last five years. I tried marriage counselling last year (which my husband went to but didn't engage with) and have tried to fix the problems in our marriage, but have come to the conclusion that they can't be fixed and we will need to separate. I am not in love with him - and if he is honest, he's not in love with me - and although we are friends, that is all we are. The physical side is non-existent. But I am not here for advice on how to make something work that isn't working - I was wondering, for those who've found themselves in a similar position, how do you go about ending a marriage? I have a good job and I don't think my husband will be a dick when it comes to child support. However, he is going to be extremely hurt and I hate inflicting pain on anyone - plus there will be all the practicalities of sorting out living arrangements while we presumably try and sell the house, and have no idea how that works. Plus of course the children will be gutted (although actually I think they will understand). Basically I want to do this as painlessly as possible so we can stay friends and co-parent, but having said all that, I think this will still come as a shock to my husband and it won't be at all easy. If anyone can offer any advice, I'd be most grateful.

@horseyhorsey17

I was, actually. My heart sank when she told me I'd be happier staying in the marriage. But she did say we'd have to start the relationship from scratch anyway, so I am interpreting that as having it on a different (non-married) footing! I was never going to shut him out of mine and the kids' lives anyway.

She also said she saw me having another baby and I am 47 and in the perimenopause so I don't bloody think so!

Anyway! We've been together 14 years but we go married/had a baby within two years of meeting. It was all a bit of a rush, and I think that's why things were fine initially, we were both so busy with babies and moving and all that stuff. It was really lockdown - when we were suddenly together 24/7 after I'd happily worked from home alone for years - that killed our relationship as suddenly I could see exactly what retirement looked like! Without the kids, we don't have anything in common or anything to say to each other really.

Haha, I wouldn't necessarily take notice of what she said then, more so your reaction to it! I think that probably shows how you really feel. It could be a really good thing for you and your husband, like a lot of ex couples you might go on to have a brilliant co parenting relationship. That's the dream! That's what I'd love and I think could be possible but it's hard when DH doesn't feel the same way. So you were 33 when you met? That's how old I am now. I think because DH was my first and only partner there is a bit of me that's thinking "is this it?" For the last few years I've been focused on other things (buying a house, getting married, having a baby) and lockdown definitely was a bit of a shock to the system in that all distractions were gone! I think it's changed a lot of people - it was such a weird thing to go through when you think about it! It was the opposite for me though because I was mainly on my own all the time with DS as DH had to work. I feel like I've changed my views and opinions on so much now too! I used to be a bit obsessed with the nuclear family but now, though I would be sad at losing the idea of that, I think families come in all shapes and sizes and the most important thing is that everyone is happy. Also, I do beat myself up a lot for feeling unhappy but really, it doesn't feel like the family unit I thought it would. It's very much me and DS for the majority of the time, because DH works so much and also because he's not the most hands on. At times it seems that I have to reach almost breaking point before he thinks "ah maybe I should step up a bit now". He doesn't do nothing but he could definitely do more. I feel like I pretty much do everything, it's just that for some of it, he's there too 🤷‍♀️ That maybe sounds harsh but probably explains some of the resentment I feel. I'm actually finding this low level unhappiness I feel a lot isn't making me a very nice person sometimes. I don't feel like I'm the best person or mum that I can be, because I'm not happy. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling again! 😅

I also, like you, feel like we don't have that much in common anymore. I think things have been like that for a while and I do actually wonder if I've just lacked the confidence in myself to recognise it.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what if it's the worst decision I ever make, but on the flip side, I should also think what if it's the best thing I ever do? Same for you - you could go on to meet someone and be so happy and feel so fulfilled in life (whatever that looks like). I think everyone deserves that!

[quote movingon2022]@treasure47
I know that I in a way would want someone to tell me it's okay to leave, even though I need to realize that's never going to happen. I feel like I'm constantly looking for validation though.

It is ok to leave.[/quote]
Thank you 🥲

Maybe this book would help you - ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ by Mira Kirshenbaum. I found it really helpful to clarify things for me, when there’s so much ‘low level’ stuff rather than out and out big bad stuff! It’s the indecision and worry that all adds to that weight you’re carrying….

Well I've just spent half an hour crying my eyes out watching an episode of Butterflies if anyone remembers it from the early 80s. I often think about Ria and her life, and it's pretty much where I find myself now. Weird to think how much I understood the story when I was only 6 years old! Makes me wonder how my boys see me and what they know about how I feel without ever letting on.
If you remember it, you'll know what I mean. And if not, go and look it up on YouTube!!
Just feeling a bit sorry for myself I think. I've got covid too (everyone in the house has) and it just makes you stop and think. Hugs to everyone x

Hugs to you @19Bears

For me, the mornings are the worst. I usually wake up with this awful feeling like I'm stuck and I couldn't possibly do anything to break up the family.
I also usually have these thoughts when I'm not even around DH. We don't actually spend that much time together (the way work/our life is) but when we do, the doubts start to creep back in.
I have this strong urge to be on my own and figure out what makes me happy. I also find myself imagining what it would be like being with someone who works less and could be around more (DH has always worked this much, I was naive about this before we had a child). And for me to actually want to be around someone and spend time with them rather than it feeling like a chore. But none of that is guaranteed and the fear is that I'd be giving up something stable and "safe" for nothing.
Even just some time apart would help me, I think. But it's not really possible when we have a child.

Hope everyone is doing okay and staying strong!

@horseyhorsey17 - Im new to Mumsnet, not sure I am using it correctly!
I am also needing to walk away. I am overcome with sadness, mainly. How are you now, your thread is a week or so old. We have one daughter who wont be surprised for our split but leaving our family home will be really tough. So much to do, its all really overwhelming.

@treasure47

I hope you're ok. I have come to the conclusion that 'safe and stable' is miserable and complacent. Surely there is more and we owe ourselves the chance to be happy?

@horseyhorsey17

Ending a relationship because it's not working for either of you isn't shitting all over someone though.

Take no notice. This comes across like a comment from a very bitter man. Might not be a man, but there's more and more of them on Mumsnet these days so it wouldn't surprise me.

[quote banana010820]@treasure47

I hope you're ok. I have come to the conclusion that 'safe and stable' is miserable and complacent. Surely there is more and we owe ourselves the chance to be happy?[/quote]
That's true. I feel low level unhappy a lot of the time (and lonely). I can't help but feel like I want more!

Hi when you said "My heart sank when she told me I'd be happier staying in the marriage" this tells you everything you need to know.
Someone once told me to make a decision flip a coin-tell yourself you have to follow the outcome. Heads stay, tails leave- you'll know before you look at the outcome what you want.
If you look at my posts I had been struggling for years to decide what to do with my marriage and years in limbo take a toll finally I told him I wanted to separate last august- that was a relief then followed a period of inaction from both sides so in December I told the children we were separating- this was the best thing to do, they took it better then I had hoped and finally he is moving out in may.
My advice to you is - you know what you want, take action to make it happen and be real.
Tell your children- you probably will be surprised by their reaction and they will want you to be happy.
Don't waste your life in limbo and indecision- you won't get the time back and you will regret it.
Remember some things are meant to be a chapter in your life not the entire book.
Sorry for the essay but after being stuck like this for literally years- I try to help people not waste their life like I have.
I had the hardest conversations by remembering " You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it."

@LucyLovesCheese

Hi when you said "My heart sank when she told me I'd be happier staying in the marriage" this tells you everything you need to know. Someone once told me to make a decision flip a coin-tell yourself you have to follow the outcome. Heads stay, tails leave- you'll know before you look at the outcome what you want. If you look at my posts I had been struggling for years to decide what to do with my marriage and years in limbo take a toll finally I told him I wanted to separate last august- that was a relief then followed a period of inaction from both sides so in December I told the children we were separating- this was the best thing to do, they took it better then I had hoped and finally he is moving out in may. My advice to you is - you know what you want, take action to make it happen and be real. Tell your children- you probably will be surprised by their reaction and they will want you to be happy. Don't waste your life in limbo and indecision- you won't get the time back and you will regret it. Remember some things are meant to be a chapter in your life not the entire book. Sorry for the essay but after being stuck like this for literally years- I try to help people not waste their life like I have. I had the hardest conversations by remembering " You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it."

this

Thank you! Great advice. I have made up my mind so now just need to get on with implementing it.

I'm OK. I've seen a lot of my friends, read the book recommended upthread, and am now feeling more confident in my decision, even though it feels like there's a mountain to climb to get to the other side where I have a life of my own and a house and the kids are OK and everything is sorted.

How are YOU? Have you said anything to your OH about how you are feeling?

@goody2shooz

Maybe this book would help you - ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ by Mira Kirshenbaum. I found it really helpful to clarify things for me, when there’s so much ‘low level’ stuff rather than out and out big bad stuff! It’s the indecision and worry that all adds to that weight you’re carrying….

I have now read this and found it incredibly helpful!

@horseyhorsey17

I'm OK. I've seen a lot of my friends, read the book recommended upthread, and am now feeling more confident in my decision, even though it feels like there's a mountain to climb to get to the other side where I have a life of my own and a house and the kids are OK and everything is sorted.

How are YOU? Have you said anything to your OH about how you are feeling?

Sorry this was for @banana010820

Hi @horseyhorsey17 I’m glad you’re getting there. I have said so much. It seems to fall on deaf ears. Despite his horrendous behaviour, he will still find the words to turn it back on me. He went to bed early this eve from the ‘exhaustion’ of it all.
Communication is horrendous.

Meanwhile, he is making extra effort with our daughter - to invite her to watch tv with him and pick, and ask about her TikTok favourites. It’s literally nauseating.

How is everyone on this thread? Hope things are moving along. My husband and I are amicable and the house is going on the market this week. We've decided what to do about money. Just haven't told the kids, which we really do need to do soon, and is the bit I am dreading now.

@horseyhorsey17

How is everyone on this thread? Hope things are moving along. My husband and I are amicable and the house is going on the market this week. We've decided what to do about money. Just haven't told the kids, which we really do need to do soon, and is the bit I am dreading now.

Hi @horseyhorsey17, glad to hear things are moving along for you and you're able to be amicable. How have you been feeling? More positive about things? Things aren't going great with me. I feel like I'm back into the spiral of doubt again! And it all just feels too overwhelming and selfish of me. DH has been making more effort lately but for me it's the intimacy that I'm struggling with and feels like I'll need to force that sort of makes me feel a bit resentful. But I also don't see any other option at times because I feel like I can't do anything to hurt DS. I'm hoping at some point I just make peace with a decision and stick to it!

Im still following this thread, OP and Treasure in the same place. Particularly Treasure. I don’t have the support of my mother which is eating me up. She knows my scenario, though it pains her to listen, called me ‘you foolish girl’ in the meanest tone the other day on the phone. I seriously rethink she is my block. That and of course feeling guilty for wanting something that resembles a normal marriage and not boarding school with two kids. I’m on the cusp. Viewing a house next week, but don’t think I am sorted enough yet. Maybe I need to give it another six months, make sure job and finances are stranger. I would move, this evening my son said, I love this house and it broke my heart.

Sorry to hear you are both struggling. @treasure47 I really don't think intimacy can be forced. Having said that, I literally did force myself to do it for years and if I am honest, I think my husband knew it was as forced as I did, and in the end, I just don't think you can carry on like that. I couldn't anyway. Sending love and positive vibes!

@Fourhorses sorry to hear your mum is being, well, a bit of a cow really. It's not HER marriage, is it? Mine is fine about it but I think my husband's mum is going to ring me and guilt trip me when he finally does tell her - he hasn't yet.

I am still blocked about telling the kids we're separating. We've decided to do it next weekend as it's my birthday this week and I honestly can't face it right now, but we do have to do it, it's not fair on the kids that my entire family knows and they don't. Things are friendly between me and my husband and it's so important to me that he continues to be a central part of their lives, that's the thing that's holding me back I think. I'm sure he will be but my own dad was entirely absent from my life so I've got some trust issues around this kind of thing!

@horseyhorsey17 how are you doing? Did you tell the kids? We’ve filed for divorce but haven’t yet told the kids.

@horseyhorsey17
I feel a bit defeated tbh. I know that separating would be the best thing for me so I can be on my own and figure myself out a bit more (I feel like I've never had that because we've been together since we were so young and I only know life with him!) and if we didn't have a child I'd just do it, but I feel awful for breaking up the family. I'm a bit annoyed at myself that I didn't realise sooner that it wasn't completely right. I now find myself thinking back to times in the past and wondering how I ignored them. DH has been doing the same too I think. For example, the fact that we didn't have sex on our honeymoon... we were away for 3 weeks and it was a bit of an odd one in that some of it we stayed with family but we definitely had opportunities and I never really wanted to, or didn't feel comfortable in an unfamiliar place. Looking back now I'm thinking, that's not right!! He's making more effort now to help out (which is kind of annoying that it's taken him almost a year and a half to do!) and sometimes I wonder would I be throwing away a secure, safe relationship?
We've started sleeping in the same bed again but I have no desire to be intimate in any way with him. I actually got so used to sleeping alone and loved it! I feel so guilty about it though.
I just can't shake this feeling that to do this would make me a horrible selfish person.

Good that things are heading in the right direction for you! I can imagine telling the kids will be difficult but it will help that you and your husband are amicable. This is something I think about as DS has just turned 3 so I think if we are going to split up, the sooner the better really as the older he gets the more impossible I think I'll find it! I already think it would be difficult to explain to him at his age.