Ending a marriage

[horseyhorsey17]

Hi everyone, I hope you'll be able to help me without judgmement. I've been married for 15 years, two lovely kids, but my husband and I are very different personalities and, without falling out, we've drifted apart for the last five years. I tried marriage counselling last year (which my husband went to but didn't engage with) and have tried to fix the problems in our marriage, but have come to the conclusion that they can't be fixed and we will need to separate. I am not in love with him - and if he is honest, he's not in love with me - and although we are friends, that is all we are. The physical side is non-existent. But I am not here for advice on how to make something work that isn't working - I was wondering, for those who've found themselves in a similar position, how do you go about ending a marriage? I have a good job and I don't think my husband will be a dick when it comes to child support. However, he is going to be extremely hurt and I hate inflicting pain on anyone - plus there will be all the practicalities of sorting out living arrangements while we presumably try and sell the house, and have no idea how that works. Plus of course the children will be gutted (although actually I think they will understand). Basically I want to do this as painlessly as possible so we can stay friends and co-parent, but having said all that, I think this will still come as a shock to my husband and it won't be at all easy. If anyone can offer any advice, I'd be most grateful.

Hi Horsey, I wanted to write to reassure you. I could have written your post word for word. I was in your shoes Feb last year. Should I accept that OK is OK but I wasn’t happy. There were other circumstances but mainly STBEXH’s inertia. A marriage of Tigger and Eeyore is how I describe it. 13 months on, I am in a rented property of calm. 50/50 with the children, communicating better than we ever have done. Divorce is halfway through, tricky with splitting the finances even though pretty straightforward. I have no doubt we will be able to agree. We may even be able to be friends properly at the end of this. We’ve just planned DD2’s birthday party which will host together. The children were upset initially but we have been extremely open with them and they’ve never been exposed to arguing (mainly because we just didn’t!) and have been brilliant at adapting. The worst bit is actually the lack of blame really. Almost easier if one had had an affair. I have no doubt we will both date again at some point but we are just learning how to exist well as a separate but together family unit. There is hope! And a weight has been lifted!

If you want tings moving swiftly and with momentum, better for the children, then priority needs to be securing a good lawyer

I have a consultation with a solicitor next week.

@MeOldBamboo

Hi Horsey, I wanted to write to reassure you. I could have written your post word for word. I was in your shoes Feb last year. Should I accept that OK is OK but I wasn’t happy. There were other circumstances but mainly STBEXH’s inertia. A marriage of Tigger and Eeyore is how I describe it. 13 months on, I am in a rented property of calm. 50/50 with the children, communicating better than we ever have done. Divorce is halfway through, tricky with splitting the finances even though pretty straightforward. I have no doubt we will be able to agree. We may even be able to be friends properly at the end of this. We’ve just planned DD2’s birthday party which will host together. The children were upset initially but we have been extremely open with them and they’ve never been exposed to arguing (mainly because we just didn’t!) and have been brilliant at adapting. The worst bit is actually the lack of blame really. Almost easier if one had had an affair. I have no doubt we will both date again at some point but we are just learning how to exist well as a separate but together family unit. There is hope! And a weight has been lifted!

That is so reassuring. I have been struggling so hard with whether I am doing the right thing, and whether I am being massively selfish prioritising my own happiness ahead of the children's, but if we can be friends and co-parent then I would consider it win-win. I want nothing but the best for my husband, which is one of the reasons I actually think he should be with someone else!

@horseyhorsey17 Your happiness is a priority for your children ultimately. I also feel someone else would make STBEXH happy. The right person is out there for him and for me. He’s a nice, decent person. But I need another Tigger or just to be Tiggerish on my own! You are absolutely doing the right thing. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

How are you doing @horseyhorsey17?

Doing OK thanks @treasure47. Went to see my sister for the weekend. Not the lovely supportive experience I'd hoped for as she'd promised it would be just the two of us and we could talk everything through, then her boyfriend turned up 'unexpectedly' (it wasn't unexpected, he was clearly invited) so I didn't get to talk about anything (although I did get to hear a lot of anecdotes about his mates that I've never met). Drove 200 miles for that! And it has made me question whether I really do have the support I think I have. My relationship with my family has always been a bit iffy (kicked out of home at 18) and although we get on fine now, my husband is the first man - possibly the first person - I've ever really trusted. So there is that!

Going to speak to a solicitor and look at a house this week, but honestly, my head is all over the place.

@horseyhorsey17

Doing OK thanks *@treasure47*. Went to see my sister for the weekend. Not the lovely supportive experience I'd hoped for as she'd promised it would be just the two of us and we could talk everything through, then her boyfriend turned up 'unexpectedly' (it wasn't unexpected, he was clearly invited) so I didn't get to talk about anything (although I did get to hear a lot of anecdotes about his mates that I've never met). Drove 200 miles for that! And it has made me question whether I really do have the support I think I have. My relationship with my family has always been a bit iffy (kicked out of home at 18) and although we get on fine now, my husband is the first man - possibly the first person - I've ever really trusted. So there is that!

Going to speak to a solicitor and look at a house this week, but honestly, my head is all over the place.

Ah that's a shame, I'm sure it would have given you a real boost if you'd been able to have a good chat with her about everything. Are you looking at renting somewhere? It sounds like you've set things in motion, that's a good start! I'm wondering whether to have a consultation with a solicitor this week just to get an idea of what my options would be, and next steps etc. I'm soooo nervous about it though! i feel like I made that big decision last weekend and since then have just relented and things have just gone back to normal. This weekend DH was out for most of Saturday and I had a great day with DS, he was so good and in such a giggly happy mood. Yesterday he was like a devil child and it was such hard work. Could have just been a coincidence but I do find that sometimes I wonder if he's picking up on the vibe in the house. I'm also finding at times im losing patience with him quickly and snapping at him and I end up feeling awful afterwards. I wake up every morning feeling sad. Even though I know I prefer sleeping in separate beds, it just feels sad that this is what it's come to. I kind of wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be sorted and I'd have my own house and be able to start to move on. But I still feel like I'm not sure whether it's the right thing or not. I'm so tired of feeling like this!

Well done for staying strong and sticking to your decision. Hopefully you're getting support from friends etc too as I'm sure that will make so much difference.

Oh I know exactly how you feel. I feel sad about the separate beds thing too. It's just a shame this has how things have ended up.

I won't rent - once things are sorted, however long that takes, I will buy somewhere. Will just have to stay in the house until that happens. Rents are EXTORTIONATE and there's enough capital in the house for us both to have a decent deposit and a mortgage.

I am still really worried about telling the kids. That's the thing I am dreading the most.

And yes, although my sister is basically rubbish, I do know Mum and Dad and my brother are behind me. They all understand the decision. And I do have lovely supportive friends. How about you @treasure47? Is there anyone IRL (so to speak) that you're able to talk to about any of this?

@GeneLovesJezebel

My DH doesn’t know I spoke to a solicitor. Honestly, I came away feeling very empowered. I’m still with him at the moment, but we’ll see what happens in April.

Yes, please if at all possible, do speak with the solicitor first. I had a half an hour free consultation in the beginning, but it was not until I had a proper 2 hour meeting with one that I started feeling much better. Empowered is the right word, yes.

As for the actual conversation with your husband and kids later on, this is what I suggest. Since your husband is aware of your feelings and all I suggest you come up with a statement that will be short and to the point. "I am not happy in our marriage and I want to separate". Do not allow him or yourself to be sucked into yet another discussion as this will deter you and possibly just postpone the inevitable.

When the time comes to talk to the kids, same thing, short and to the point. All this is what I got from my therapist, btw. So something like this:"Dad and I are not getting along so well anymore. We tried to work it out but we could not solve it. At this point we are going to separate." My ex did not want to take any responsibility for this, so while he was there physically I had to say that "I wanted to separate" not "we". My therapist told me not to give kids too many details as they do not need to know, it is between my husband and myself. Tell them that this has nothing to do with them, that you love them both very much and will make sure they are taken care off. Now you can tell them what the plan is, with regards to living arrangements. Do remember to stay calm and do not allow yourself to be too emotional. Show compassion but remember they will pick on your emotions and this is how they will feel about the whole thing. If you are acting like this is the end of the world and is going to cause "upheaval" in their lives that is how they will look at it. Kids need love and stability and as long as they feel like they can count on having the both they should be ok.

Best of luck to you.

@horseyhorsey17

Oh I know exactly how you feel. I feel sad about the separate beds thing too. It's just a shame this has how things have ended up.

I won't rent - once things are sorted, however long that takes, I will buy somewhere. Will just have to stay in the house until that happens. Rents are EXTORTIONATE and there's enough capital in the house for us both to have a decent deposit and a mortgage.

I am still really worried about telling the kids. That's the thing I am dreading the most.

And yes, although my sister is basically rubbish, I do know Mum and Dad and my brother are behind me. They all understand the decision. And I do have lovely supportive friends. How about you @treasure47? Is there anyone IRL (so to speak) that you're able to talk to about any of this?

That's really good that you have a support system behind you. I've only spoken to my mum about it and she's being as supportive as she can but I think she also probably thinks I'd be making a mistake to leave. She struggled as a single mum and never had much money when we were growing up so I think she sees that I have a comfortable life and I'd be silly to throw it away. But she wants me to be happy too obviously. Tbh I don't really have a lot of friends, and none that are close enough that I'd feel I could talk to about it yet. I think most people would be shocked because we've been together for so long and he's not a bad person. In fact the more I read about some people's husbands on here the more I wonder if I'm being silly! But I sort of feel like I'm not fully being myself in the relationship anymore, and that to make it work I'd have to not be "me".

I might make an appointment to speak to a solicitor just to get some advice and see where I'd stand. All of that feels unknown to me at the moment so might make me feel like I have options, or could just make me feel more trapped if I don't have any/many! 😅 Hope your chat with solicitor goes well!

I'm really struggling now with whether I've made the right decision. I think if I am honest that it is telling the kids worrying me most, followed by money. I spoke to a solicitor and she said that as we'd be co-parenting the children, I wouldn't be entitled to child support, but I would be entitled to spousal support. I wasn't expecting that and it has worried me a bit. Everything just seems like a huge mountain that I need to climb over right now and I feel like just curling up into a foetal position and sobbing! Obviously I can't though as I have a full-time job (that I bloody well NEED) and have to be professional and just get on with things. But now I've moved into -am-I-making-a-terrible-mistake-maybe-I-should-say-I've-changed-my-mind mode. Talking to a friend yesterday didn't help as she can't really understand why I am leaving him when he provides me with a nice lifestyle and is a lovely person. Both of which are true but we also have zero physical relationship and no real connection, either. She is twice divorced so wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage herself, it's easy to proscribe it to someone else! ARRGH!

@horseyhorsey17

I'm really struggling now with whether I've made the right decision. I think if I am honest that it is telling the kids worrying me most, followed by money. I spoke to a solicitor and she said that as we'd be co-parenting the children, I wouldn't be entitled to child support, but I would be entitled to spousal support. I wasn't expecting that and it has worried me a bit. Everything just seems like a huge mountain that I need to climb over right now and I feel like just curling up into a foetal position and sobbing! Obviously I can't though as I have a full-time job (that I bloody well NEED) and have to be professional and just get on with things. But now I've moved into -am-I-making-a-terrible-mistake-maybe-I-should-say-I've-changed-my-mind mode. Talking to a friend yesterday didn't help as she can't really understand why I am leaving him when he provides me with a nice lifestyle and is a lovely person. Both of which are true but we also have zero physical relationship and no real connection, either. She is twice divorced so wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage herself, it's easy to proscribe it to someone else! ARRGH!

Oh @horseyhorsey17 I'm sorry you're struggling! Would you be having 50/50 custody of the children? I think it's hard to see long term isn't it when there's so much to sort out. That's how I feel anyway. Or I worry that I'd go through with it and regret it. How's your husband dealing with it?

Yes, I was assuming we'd be 50-50 as although it would be hard for me not being with the kids all the time, my husband is a great dad and I would never take the kids away from him. But I didn't realise that might impact on what I am entitled to. Having said that, it actually shouldn't, as I am entitled to spousal support, the solicitor said, having been the primary carer for over 10 years, stepped back in my career to have the kids (with reduced pension etc) while his career flourished, and earn about a third of what he does. Actually one of the big fears for me is that women in their 40s and 50s are pushed out of the workplace. I will now need to progress quickly and move into senior management, which I can do, and thankfully the job market is strong for employees at the moment, but it's all just a huge worry.

@horseyhorsey17

Yes, I was assuming we'd be 50-50 as although it would be hard for me not being with the kids all the time, my husband is a great dad and I would never take the kids away from him. But I didn't realise that might impact on what I am entitled to. Having said that, it actually shouldn't, as I am entitled to spousal support, the solicitor said, having been the primary carer for over 10 years, stepped back in my career to have the kids (with reduced pension etc) while his career flourished, and earn about a third of what he does. Actually one of the big fears for me is that women in their 40s and 50s are pushed out of the workplace. I will now need to progress quickly and move into senior management, which I can do, and thankfully the job market is strong for employees at the moment, but it's all just a huge worry.

The financial worries are a big thing aren't they. Especially because it's not just yourself that you have to consider. If I didn't have a child I'd be okay with potentially struggling for a while financially but I feel like it's unfair on DS. I think I'd be "okay" financially but there's no way of knowing at the moment really. I keep reading so much about financial settlements etc and I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of thinking about it because I can't concentrate on anything else. But I'm also worried that I'm wasting time by not doing anything. I feel quite trapped. And part of me thinks I should just make the most of it and try to make myself happy and stay, and another part of me just wants to make the leap because I have this fear that if I don't do it now I really will feel stuck and this feeling will just keep coming back.

I'm sure you'll be fine and it's just the fear of a big change that's making you question it. If only we had a crystal ball to see what the future looks like, but by the sound of your situation you'll both be happier apart, and if you're happy, your kids will be happy too.

I think you're right - I am just having a wobble. Talking to my friend yesterday freaked me out - she was trying to urge me just to have a trial separation rather than commit to anything concrete. But nothing is set in stone anyway. Maybe I will miss him (I am sure I will) and want to start our marriage again (can't see how I'd ever get past the 'ick' factor though) but some people do get remarried to exes.

Ultimately, I've got a choice of sticking with a sexless marriage or taking a gamble on a new life, and I think I have to take the gamble. But yeah I am quite scared of change! Even though I also crave it. God, this isn't easy is it?! I knew it wouldn't be but it's still SO HARD.

@horseyhorsey17

I think you're right - I am just having a wobble. Talking to my friend yesterday freaked me out - she was trying to urge me just to have a trial separation rather than commit to anything concrete. But nothing is set in stone anyway. Maybe I will miss him (I am sure I will) and want to start our marriage again (can't see how I'd ever get past the 'ick' factor though) but some people do get remarried to exes.

Ultimately, I've got a choice of sticking with a sexless marriage or taking a gamble on a new life, and I think I have to take the gamble. But yeah I am quite scared of change! Even though I also crave it. God, this isn't easy is it?! I knew it wouldn't be but it's still SO HARD.

I think it's worse when the other person isn't awful. In so many ways it would be easier if they were!

I also feel like that's what my options are. I'm not sure I could go back to a sexual relationship with DH either. I think I now realise that I only really see him as a friend or family member, and I have for a while. We haven't shared a bed or even kissed for so long and I don't miss it at all, even though it makes me sad that we're not like that. Sometimes I feel like I should kiss him but it's only because I feel guilty that I'm not, it's not because I actually want to.

A big part of me does just think I should stay because I was okay before but it definitely feels like I'm settling and another part of me just wants more!

I think it'll be easier for you if you and your husband are in agreement that it's not working. That's something that's holding me back, that DH just doesn't want to separate, even though things aren't good. He also puts blockers in the way by saying things like neither of us would be able to afford to live separately (he gets a fairly large annual bonus which he could use as a deposit for somewhere so in many ways he'd be much better off than I would!)
It's the not knowing where to start with sorting everything out, and also like you said having to keep going when you just feel like falling apart. I definitely feel that.

Did you find the solicitor appointment helpful?

Hi everyone, it's just awful isn't it. I was sitting listening to The Archers before (not something I normally do!) and it was about a couple splitting up and both fighting for custody and the wife arguing with her mother-in-law. I could have cried thinking about not seeing my boys every day, even if it was a 4 days in 14 arrangement, god forbid 50/50. I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel like just sucking it up and making the best of life. But the bottom line is I just cannot bloody stand the man. To top it all off we've all got covid now. Strangely coinciding with dh galavanting off all around the country going to gigs and travelling on buses, I wonder where we got it from.... 😡 Last night he sat on the sofa, and I asked if I could please sit with dc10 as he was dropping off to sleep, and asked him to sit on the other chair. All he could say was, "but I can't see the telly from there." Git. Oh and rather than sleep on the sofa to keep his germs out of the way as much as possible (as I did the other night), he went to sleep in dc10's bed next to dc14 who has tested positive today...
So even though I've got an agreement in principle all ready to go for taking over the mortgage, I still feel completely stuck in the mud, emotionally, with actually moving forward. I just want a peaceful life with my two boys. DH brings nothing but problems. Why is it so hard to just let him know how sad and angry he makes me. Because I don't say anything or react to anything he does, he is oblivious to there being anything wrong. I'd love to unleash my wrath!!! But I'm just too soft. Not sure I've made a helpful contribution here, but just wanted to check back in and send everyone x

@19Bears

Hi everyone, it's just awful isn't it. I was sitting listening to The Archers before (not something I normally do!) and it was about a couple splitting up and both fighting for custody and the wife arguing with her mother-in-law. I could have cried thinking about not seeing my boys every day, even if it was a 4 days in 14 arrangement, god forbid 50/50. I hate the thought of it. It makes me feel like just sucking it up and making the best of life. But the bottom line is I just cannot bloody stand the man. To top it all off we've all got covid now. Strangely coinciding with dh galavanting off all around the country going to gigs and travelling on buses, I wonder where we got it from.... 😡 Last night he sat on the sofa, and I asked if I could please sit with dc10 as he was dropping off to sleep, and asked him to sit on the other chair. All he could say was, "but I can't see the telly from there." Git. Oh and rather than sleep on the sofa to keep his germs out of the way as much as possible (as I did the other night), he went to sleep in dc10's bed next to dc14 who has tested positive today... So even though I've got an agreement in principle all ready to go for taking over the mortgage, I still feel completely stuck in the mud, emotionally, with actually moving forward. I just want a peaceful life with my two boys. DH brings nothing but problems. Why is it so hard to just let him know how sad and angry he makes me. Because I don't say anything or react to anything he does, he is oblivious to there being anything wrong. I'd love to unleash my wrath!!! But I'm just too soft. Not sure I've made a helpful contribution here, but just wanted to check back in and send everyone x

It's because we love our children more than anything, that's what makes it so difficult. I started crying reading DS' bedtime story last night and I tried to control it but he could tell, he said "why are you sad?" Broke my heart 😢 My mum told me today that I looked worn down and like some of the life has gone out of me. That's exactly how I feel at the moment. Sending you support too x

I totally understand, it's just really hard moving forward. I've had 'the conversation' about splitting, I've spoken to a solicitor, I've even looked at a house (which I really liked and would like to move on but need to sell this one first) but now I need to have another conversation about the practical side, and then tell the kids (urgh!) and every single step feels like wading through treacle. And I too have been 'normal' with my spouse because I want us to stay on good terms, but he's started calling me 'babe' again (which I always hated btw) and now I am worried he's interpreted me being pleasant as me changing my mind. Although I feel so sad about leaving, the thought of not leaving makes me feel trapped and panicky.

Your situation is worse than mine though 19Bears as your husband sounds - well I can't get past the Brexit dance tbh! Grounds for instant divorce imo (I am a full-on leftie though)! I keep thinking, I'll have this sorted by the end of the year, and hopefully we all will.

@horseyhorsey17

I totally understand, it's just really hard moving forward. I've had 'the conversation' about splitting, I've spoken to a solicitor, I've even looked at a house (which I really liked and would like to move on but need to sell this one first) but now I need to have another conversation about the practical side, and then tell the kids (urgh!) and every single step feels like wading through treacle. And I too have been 'normal' with my spouse because I want us to stay on good terms, but he's started calling me 'babe' again (which I always hated btw) and now I am worried he's interpreted me being pleasant as me changing my mind. Although I feel so sad about leaving, the thought of not leaving makes me feel trapped and panicky.

Your situation is worse than mine though 19Bears as your husband sounds - well I can't get past the Brexit dance tbh! Grounds for instant divorce imo (I am a full-on leftie though)! I keep thinking, I'll have this sorted by the end of the year, and hopefully we all will.

I have the exact same thing where I think if we're being nice enough to each other he'll get hopeful that I've changed my mind too. I don't want to hate him or for us not to get along. I also understand the whole moving through treacle thing. I think I worry about that because I can be very impatient and I'd want things to be sorted out asap and I know that's just not possible. One thing (and one day) at a time is probably the way to get through it!

Gah! Made the mistake of having a tarot reading - desperate I know, don't judge me - and she said she thought I was making a mistake leaving him and showed me lots of cards which apparently showed our happy future if we work things out. The card if we don't work things out and I go it alone was a bleak desert with a sort of ruined town at the end of it. So that's what I have to look forward to, bleakness and ruin. Great!

@horseyhorsey17

Gah! Made the mistake of having a tarot reading - desperate I know, don't judge me - and she said she thought I was making a mistake leaving him and showed me lots of cards which apparently showed our happy future if we work things out. The card if we don't work things out and I go it alone was a bleak desert with a sort of ruined town at the end of it. So that's what I have to look forward to, bleakness and ruin. Great!

😱 oh no!!

I think one way to try to figure it out is to ask yourself, when she told you that were you disappointed? Were you hoping she'd say something different?
I know that I in a way would want someone to tell me it's okay to leave, even though I need to realise that's never going to happen. I feel like I'm constantly looking for validation though.

How long have you been together? Were you together for long before you got married?

I was, actually. My heart sank when she told me I'd be happier staying in the marriage. But she did say we'd have to start the relationship from scratch anyway, so I am interpreting that as having it on a different (non-married) footing! I was never going to shut him out of mine and the kids' lives anyway.

She also said she saw me having another baby and I am 47 and in the perimenopause so I don't bloody think so!

Anyway! We've been together 14 years but we go married/had a baby within two years of meeting. It was all a bit of a rush, and I think that's why things were fine initially, we were both so busy with babies and moving and all that stuff. It was really lockdown - when we were suddenly together 24/7 after I'd happily worked from home alone for years - that killed our relationship as suddenly I could see exactly what retirement looked like! Without the kids, we don't have anything in common or anything to say to each other really.

@treasure47
I know that I in a way would want someone to tell me it's okay to leave, even though I need to realize that's never going to happen. I feel like I'm constantly looking for validation though.

It is ok to leave.