If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

[Eucalyptusbee]

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

Thank you everyone

Just to reassure you all parents evening was on zoom and so my husband joined us from on the way to the gym- he wasn't at home with us and so after it ended I was able to tell my daughter she's amazing and all the lovely things the teacher said without him being around

He didn't get in till bedtime so there wasn't much discussion she was privy to and hopefully she's blissfully unaware of his views!

@Eucalyptusbee

I should say child is expected level so not failing, just normally is exceeding and partner angry / disappointed

This is madness. Your child is fine. It seems a lot of pressure on a young child. Does your DH view children’s ‘performance’ as a reflection on him somehow? I don’t think that’s healthy.

For those of you who have big disparities in earning- how do you avoid your lower income becoming something the higher earner resents? It was never like this originally and has kind of crept up on us

Interesting question- i'm by far the biggest earner - always have been - DP isn't earning at all at the moment. I'm not sure if its easier that DP isn't really working at all vs wft but earning little- in theory it would be much harder if he worked and we both had the same time constraints but he was n't earning as much- currently its not so much the money but the use of time- i really resent having to use my time to do stuff he should be doing- more on cleaning/admin side - given he has so much spare time. the money itself is not an issue- although i do feel he doesn't consider money in decisions as its not his- its all about valuing my time - my time is valuable because its a scarce resource though not because I put a monetary value on it.
Education- i can see both sides- i actually do pretty much everything on education support for DS- i was the one who did daily reading/helps with work etc - i go to all parents evenings- its partly because it is what i am most keen on/prioritise- partly because i am better at it but also because DP doesn't do it properly- i di get annoyed with coming home from work and having to be the one who nags about homework-/sorts out schoolbags etc but i can't leave it to DP

Whose depression??? I would bet a good chunk of money that it is you who would score highest on a depression inventory, Op.

There is a horrible tendency to explain really bad behaviour with cod psychology diagnoses here. That is so insulting to those who actually do have legit MH concerns and with these "traditional" men, it is so often a way of excusing their behaviour.

If you left tomorrow alone, what would your partner do? I'd genuinely be tempted to fuck off alone to a hotel for two days. Preferably in the middle of the working week. Pump some milk. Let him pick up the pieces. That will learn him.

That child is too young to have that kind of pressure.they will buckle,resent,turn inwards,work less,work too much,become mentally ill.one of These! Because his behaviour will make her feel like shit.
I'd say she needs to do less.and focus on more down time,rest and 're energizing and mum and dad time.

@Eucalyptusbee

I could probably count on two hands the number of nappies he's changed. This time round he went back to the office the day after I came home from hospital and I did the school run dinner etc from then on

This isn’t a supportive partner. I was a ‘proper’ SAHM for a few years and DH did all the cooking, all the cleaning and many nappies whilst working full time for at least 6 weeks each time we had newborns.

You can't do everything OP! Get a cleaner/housekeeper. A gardener. Buy in COOK meals every week. Fuck anything extra if that's how he's going to be. What is he working 70 hrs a week for, if you're this stressed?! You have VALUE. Honestly, this has made me angry on your behalf. How dare he talk to you like that?! Find your anger. He is being horrible.

You say you go silent and you don't like to argue because HE is stressed, what about YOU in any of this? Has there been one moment where he's asked 'honey do you need help? We have the money to take some of this off your plate. Why don't we get a cleaner to help you cope with the kids?' He hasn't and he won't because he doesn't value it as work. You're doing more than you need to already OP. Take some off your plate, I doubt he will even notice.

Sorry forgot to add that your little one is doing just fine. They've been through a pandemic, a new baby, and now a move. Maybe take out their least favourite after-school activity but other than that, they're doing well so don't stress about it. Your husband will give them a complex if he keeps on like this.

Your DH is the problem here. And I say this as the main breadwinner who outearns my DH by several multiples of his salary.

I'm not going to get into the argument about who is "responsible" for supporting the kids with education. Unless there is a completely equal split of all responsibilities between a couple with regard to earning, childcare and domestic responsibilities, I think it's really a matter for negotiation as to what each person's role entails. Personally, I wouldn't ever want to be so uninvolved with my dc that I delegated all responsibility to the other parent, but I can see why from his POV it might seem sensible that you take the lead on this area because you're at home more or whatever. There isn't a clear right/wrong answer on this, it all boils down to whatever you choose to agree as a couple.

However, what really concerns me is not the question of who is responsible for supporting the kids with this stuff, but rather the awful blame game that he is playing with you now with regard to how your dd is "performing". It seems like he is using her progress as some sort of KPI to evaluate your input. Who the fuck would think about their own children in this way? Her success in school or otherwise isn't a reflection of how much value you are adding as a parent and it's awful that he sees it that way. She is an individual with her own strengths and weaknesses. She might not have reached her full potential yet, or she might be doing as well as she possibly can. How dare he say that he isn't interested in mediocrity? She isn't a project to be managed and with those expectations, he is potentially setting her up for a lifetime of feeling like she isn't good enough.

Look, you have real problems with your dh's attitude to you, to family and to what he values. Basically for him the name of the game is success and they measure it in hard currency. Nothing else matters to him. Honestly if your marriage is to survive you will need counselling now at the very least.

But what I am more concerned with is his attitude to his 6 year old. Basically your lovely darling child is a product for him on some level and you are the project manager so you'll get dinged for poor performance. that is almost literally what he has said to you. This will be a DISASTER for your children. I have 3 children (now all grown). DH and I were both top of the class, academic, knew how to learn/work hard. Our children were reared in a learning/culture-rich environment and went to private schools. And you know what? They are all different - different intelligences/abilities. But they are all lovely. What we were able to give them was love, acceptance and our family values which didn't include a performance review. Parenting isn't as simple as adding compound 1 to compound 2 and getting expected compound 3 and your dh is seriously off here. Like shout at him he is a fucking bastard off. OP, please sort this out now as best you can before your children have absorbed the message dad is sending which is I expect you to perform to a standard and then I'll love you.

Oh and just seeing it now but agree with every word of AlexaShutUp's post. This is serious stuff, OP.

There is a horrible tendency to explain really bad behaviour with cod psychology diagnoses here. That is so insulting to those who actually do have legit MH concerns and with these "traditional" men, it is so often a way of excusing their behaviour.

Bloody hell. I said he was an arsehole, completely unreasonable and nasty, but added that if this nasty behaviour was out of character, then trying to rule out depression might be a thought (especially as OP doesn’t seem keen to leave him or push back). OP said it was new, and out of character.

How is that a “cod diagnosis” FGS? It was an aside, a suggestion and not a particularly outrageous one since OP think work stress is significant.

Even if he is dxed with depression next week, it doesn’t excuse the behaviour.

There are whole threads devoted to ableism if you want to go and argue about armchair diagnosis of partners.

Your partner is a dick. To you and your kids. He should be happy and grateful. He sounds controlling and bogged down in perfectionism.

This is really upsetting.

Your DD is 6. As a primary teacher, I can tell you that children don't learn in a linear fashion. The ones excelling at the end of Year 1 aren't always the ones still excelling in Year 6 and some develop later and steam ahead of them all.

Learning is also not about more in = more out. Hot housing and drilling your children won't fill them up like little cups of knowledge and make them brighter. So this is not about how much you put in.

How dare he want to blame anyone for a child doing their best. How dare he blame you, in particular, when you are running his family so that he can work long hours. Just...urgh.

I grew up in this family. My Dad was like this. My Mum kept quiet and tried not to rock the boat too. All 3 of us are high achievers in our own ways, all 3 of us are also complete basket cases. It is so damaging to be told that you're just not quite good enough and that you just don't quite meet the grossly high expectations of someone else. Life has been one long effort not to disappoint - and regularly falling short. It's horrendous. Please make sure this doesn't become a pattern.

I honestly didn't think you had let your dd know what her father thinks of her, but how long will she remain in ignorance of his opinion.

Great to know he has time to go to the gym and then come back and criticise your parenting.

Absolutely a prince among misogynists

I would just ignore him. When my husband used to make some noise about me not doing the housework properly/regularly I just ignored him/told him to get a cleaner, he soon shut up and gets on with it himself. I have a toddler and I don’t take orders from anyone except the toddler. Can’t imagine you doing all that with a tiny baby. Look after your health as he doesn’t seem like he cares much for you from what you say about him 💐

Goodness, you have plenty to do already. I’m a SAHM. If it’s most subjects I do it, if anyone has a Maths issue that would be DHs department. But I wouldn’t be worrying about a 6 Yr old excelling and I would be pissed if that my DH was acting ax if he were in charge of me and quite entitled to give a performance review. I think not, we’re a team, he’s not my Dad!

He sounds like an idiot.
Please try not to internalise any of his nonsense.

Do you tell him how to do his job? Do you go to his office and criticise his presentations and tell him his desk is not tidy enough? No. Then he should not tell you how to do your job. You are the mother. You have authority over the child's schooling. If you say there is no time to help her do homework, then he has no right to gainsay that. Take the teacher's suggestions onboard and make the changes that make sense to YOU. Every child is different and develops at a different pace. Learn, pay attention, respect the teacher's ideas, but don't allow yourself to be turned into the lowest employee in your husband's imaginary empire.

You supervising how your child does his homework is good for the teacher because then the homework arrives at school finished and the problem is no longer on her plate. But if the child had to spend two hours trapped at the table every day after school, and is sobbing at the end, because he is unable to stay on task without constantly being redirected, then that is not really a solution. Your child might just need a little extra help, or he may need evaluation for a learning difference. You working with him will help you figure that out. Your husband treating your failure (!!) to bring him "up to par" as a personal fault of your own, will only prevent the correct analysis of your child's learning skills from happening.

Others addressed the much bigger problem of your husband's attitude towards you and towards your child.

This child is not behind and not struggling. Her dad just feels that she is not excelling and that is not good enough for him.

I always, always tell parents to read with their children whether they need a learning boost or not because the benefits are so great in so many areas. Otherwise, more homework for a 6 year old is pointless at best and counter-productive at worst. You can't make a child excel unless they are willing, able and ready. His expectations are ridiculous and blaming OP is doubly ridiculous.

You sound lovely and your DD is doing perfectly fine at school.
Your DH is being a twat. He thinks you should all jump higher for him.
And when were you supposed to work towards this high flying mega bucks career? He had you making his life easier so he could work all those hours.

He wouldn't last a day doing what you do every day.

You have a job, take care of 3 DC including an infant, you do all the childcare, clubs, housework, etc.

What does he do? Go to one job and then complain the rest of the time.

Do you get downtime for yourself? Gym? Hobby? Friends?

I wish he had a week doing it all himself and taking care of the kids!

He can keep on doing all those hours and avoiding his family and when he's old, he'll wonder why they don't want to be around him much as he was never around.

She is unaware right now she won’t be OP as she gets older and she fails to meet his expectations because I imagine they will be so unrealistic she will
Also how is him working 70h you 48h and 3 children plus those expectations sustainable something has to give

How much time does he spend with them - given he was coming from the gym rather than sit in on the zoom I imagine not much. If so actually reading with his children could be something he does to spend time with them

I’d hate to be in a relationship where we play the blame game, sounds awful.

Thanks everyone

He sounds absolutely horrible. I’m on mat leave and dh will do the reading with our 6yo most nights. A family member’s eldest struggled when starting school, Mum a sahm with 3, dad a senior job with lots of travel. So at crazy bedtime o clock when dad was off travelling he would make sure he was free at 6:30 and the 6yo would sit in the bathroom on the video phone to her dad doing her reading to help her catch up while mum wrangled the other 2 into bed. That’s how good relationships work. Yours isn’t one.

He left for work early so we didn't speak about it and we are no further forward.

He normally goes to the gym or plays tennis in the evening. I support this as it helps him unwind-he was very stressed when not going.

Not really sure what the next best step is but being distracted by world book day for now! :-)