If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

[Eucalyptusbee]

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

Health related / childcare but only if I had exhausted all alternatives (friends / family / after school club / babysitter etc) or flooding / fire sort of thing

REad that again and again and recognise where you and his family are on his priorities and that he would want friends/family to take the hit rather than him looking after his own family

And I meant if he were working from home (which I was) and you asked him to help with something minor for 3-4 mins would he do so. DH needed me to hold a blind in place when he screwed it in

You seem so resigned and so totally unaware how awful and unusual this is

Echoing PP that you are married to a selfish arse OP

I’m astonished you’re not more angry about this. You’re not a member of his staff undergoing performance review, you’re his wife! Come on lovey - you’re clearly an amazingly accomplished woman and worth soooo much more than this!!

OP you sound like an incredible person that I would love to have as a friend - intelligent, a really loving mother, working super hard in one of the toughest jobs there is. But your self esteem must be extremely low if you are accepting your husband's bizarre and unfair view of things. I think you'd hugely benefit from finding a good therapist and using therapy to work out what you stand for and what you want from life. I think you already know this, but it would really help to talk it through with an affirming supportive person.

This thread is absolutely shocking and depressing. OP, i know you have a 3-month-old and a ton on your plate… but I think you need to find a babysitter and start some serious therapy. Start by yourself initially, and begin to understand how to rebuild some self worth. Then eventually I think couples counselling could be helpful. It sounds like there are some extremely unhealthy dynamics here - “D”H using his career as a trump card, even the day after you give birth (?!!!) is a giant red flag to me.

So he was just out last night at a dinner and he didn't even bother to tell you.

God he really does treat you as staff

Don’t let this go OP. You are allowed to remain angry about this. Talk to him tonight even if he’s running out the door and ‘super busy’. He simply HAS so know how angry, upset, disappointed you are in his attitude towards you. You are not paid help, you are his WIFE. He needs to start treating you as such or he needs to leave. I agree that you should work through your own self esteem in therapy as a priority. We’re here for you OP. I doubt he even knows this website exists so he won’t find it.

Oh OP, just come back to this thread - you’re an anaesthetist and a Mum of 3 and you don’t have value?!! You are an incredible superwoman and I cannot believe he thinks it’s ok to treat you like this, I’m so shocked. Earnings should not even come into the scenario. I think you sound bloody wonderful and he needs to wake up. If he doesn’t want to then I think you need to start thinking about life beyond him - If you’re not worried about flash holidays/car etc (which you say you’re not) then I don’t believe your standard of living will change drastically- you’re already doing pretty much everything as far as I can tell. One final thing which I feel bad about saying but I do think should be asked…. Are you sure ALL the evenings out are definitely work related?….all the wealthy city types that I know who developed relationships with younger colleagues did it at late 30s when there was a baby at home. I am not saying in any way this is likely but I think you should briefly consider the possibility. They also behaved like dicks to their wives who jumped through ever more complicated hoops to be perfect when they had no chance of ever ‘pleasing’ the gits.

Sorry Op I didn’t mean to assume things. It’s just the way it seems you’re allowing him to have this authority over you and everything else I couldn’t help but think there was some conditioning at play making you reluctant to leave him even though you know the situation isn’t okayI know within my community women are told from a young age to put up and shut up as long as he’s not beating you or cheating on you and I was wondering why as it’s perfectly okay in this day and age to be divorced and even better if you’re accomplished and in a stable profession.

But after reading some updates I am also wondering like pp if he may be spending time with someone else especially as he’s being the way he is with you, randomly coming back late and not feeling like he owes you an explanation. Is he the sort of man that would care about your feelings to stop him from cheating? His just doesn’t seem like a nice person at the moment. Maybe if you suggest marriage counselling and see his reaction, if he’s against it then I’m afraid that would say a lot.

And I just wanted to add the relationships I’m talking about are really unhealthy, the women hate the men and vice versa because of the resentment and the children suffer so much because of the dysfunction and abuse and in your case the ridiculous pressure your husband is putting on the kids. Your poor kids’ mental will suffer if not already.

Sorry I haven't posted for a while it was a busy afternoon - school fundraiser, after school clubs and playdates so no time to log on until now.

I'm also a bit ashamed to post an "update" as in spite of all your wonderful advice and support I've been a coward and not called him out on how he speaks to me... i have just carried on as usual made the peace so we are being cordial to each other. I just don't quite have the energy right now to deal with the consequences of where such a conversation might lead.

Having said that I definitely have taken on board everything that's been said and will gear up to getting myself together!!

You are right I think I just feel a bit useless and worn out and this thread has helped me realise that I'm not worthless qnd need to find a way to get my self esteem built up again.

So thank-you very much for all your support

I hope to get there in the end

Aw OP. I'm glad you've seen that how he's treating you isn't normal. Have the conversation with him when you're ready. Don't feel ashamed, we're not living your life or in your brain. Just keep it in your mind that you are worthy, intelligent, and a bloody good mum x

Thank you

It really has been quite empowering reading all your replies

This is progress.

Find a good therapist.

Find a good lawyer.

Speak to those that love you.

Be honest.

Post again if you like.

We are hear for you.

And get any sleep you can.

I’m astonished at how arrogant he is towards you. It’s as if he needs to make you feel lesser to bolster his own self-esteem.

Your role as an anesthetist is an incredible achievement. You deserve so much respect for the hard work and talent that goes into that. Think about the male anesthetists you know, are they treated this way in their marriages? Are they being chastised for the academic performance of a young child? I don’t think they would be.

He might earn a lot of money but he is a mediocre husband and father. He seems quite contemptuous of you. I know you don’t want to separate but I would take some time to really look at the way he treats you and ask if you feel valued and respected in the relationship.

I completely understand. It's a lot to take in. A suggestion, start with therapy for you, so that you have someone in real life you can talk to, who is on YOUR side.

His arrogance is astounding. Please find your voice for the sake of your DC. She is 6 years old. If my DH talked about mediocrity in relation to our DC I would give him such a tongue lashing that he would never do it again. I am a university lecturer and I know that happy, secure children with an academic curiosity make the best students, not ones fearful of parental condemnation and criticism.
If she is happy and enjoying school and the teacher is happy with her progress, just pointing out that she needs to check her work, then that is absolutely fine and you have handled this well.
He, on the other hand, has not.

Do not feel useless please, you are far far from that. You are absolutely amazing! However, you have been ground down and you need to get your head around what is happening and work out a way forward.

You do need to speak to him and tell him that it is completely unacceptable to speak to you and about the kids that way. That earning more money does not make you a better person nor entitled to treat your wife like that.

You are a highly skilled professional who saves people's lives and makes them better. You make and look after your kids and home whilst all he does is a job and then, despite only doing a job, he needs time off to do his sports for his mental health. He has a family and it is his duty, and he should want to do it anyway, to look after and help raise his children. It is his home, so he should also be part of looking after it.

And if he doesn't change his attitude. And if he doesn't pull his weight with the kids and home then you will split. You will get a chunk of his money and he will have to do childcare and find someone to keep his home for him.

Thinking of you OP, please remember money does not equal value.
Just because he earns more money it does not make his role in the family more valuable.
You are vitally important, to you family and to society, do not let him think otherwise.
He is not your boss, keep repeating that if he starts any of that nonsense.

You really need to book in some things for you to do without the kids, and he really needs to come home those nights to accommodate. It is so important.

I also think you should leave all kids with him for the weekend go to a spa or visit friends and see how much extra homework he gets done.