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Original poster

If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

318 replies

Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 21:37

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/03/2022 07:40

Talking to him I think because this isn’t sustainable in the long term for a happy life and happy children

Does he need the tennis and gym because the pressure he puts on himself. Therefore he is never there for the family in order to help so it all falls to you and you simply don’t have the time

If that is the case he needs some help I think in recognising that not only is his belief that mediocrity isn’t good enough a problem for him and the way he is living - he can’t spend anytime with you as a family. It is starting now to effect his children to the point where he had this reaction to a perfectly normal parents evening

You have been together a long time and you seem to say that this is out of character then you can talk to him about the above

Because as I said, his hours, your hours and his expectations are unrealistic and unsustainable

Why are you moving - are you going somewhere that is more expensive for example

justsippingsometea · 03/03/2022 07:45

Tennis and the gym are all well and good as long as you also get equal leisure time.

I think doing those activities is really important and I see the benefits they bring to my own husband - but he also encourages and facilitates me taking time for myself as well.

Next step is thinking about what you want and need and making those things happen, and it can't be fulfilling everyone's needs to the detriment of your own ad infinitum. You can't pour from an empty cup as they say!

Reluctantadult · 03/03/2022 07:48

Crikey, there's a lot going on here! You're not a sahp, you're on maternity leave. And you say you normally work 48hrs which is an insane amount. And you're husband normally works 70hrs which is unimaginable to me. I would say in this situation your au pair is responsible for homework, because when on earth do you actually do it?! But then I saw you said you're talking about a 6yo here. I have a 4yo and a 7yo so one either side. The schools in my town are so varied in how much homework they give, my children's school gives hardly any, my friends children go to a school that gives loads. Her children are not markedly further 'ahead' than mine. I don't think there is hard evidence that homework actually does much good. I'm many countries that are high performing in terms of education she wouldn't be at school yet. At age 6, you can't really know yet your child's natural aptitude. I mean I would say my son is brighter than my daughter perhaps, but she is 6, that might not turn out to be true at all, she might be really hard working and my son really lazy. I think his attitude that he isn't in it for mediocrity about his 6yo daughter is absolutely disgusting tbh. It sounds like too much pressure all round for all of you really and not conducive to happiness.

Clymene · 03/03/2022 08:01

What's in this relationship for you? Your husband has absolute disdain for you and doesn't seem to like your children very much either.

Who frames your maternity leave as being an SAHP? is that you or him.

I'd think very hard about moving.

sofakingcool · 03/03/2022 08:04

@Eucalyptusbee

For those of you who have big disparities in earning- how do you avoid your lower income becoming something the higher earner resents? It was never like this originally and has kind of crept up on us
We have a very large difference in our incomes - DH earns over 10 times as much as me. I work in a notoriously low income job (childcare) and only part time too. I work part time as I was a SAHM for 11 years and had already started doing other things whilst the children were at school - volunteering etc - so I started work around it. DH doesn't care that I bring in so little, it works for our family, he values my happiness (which is my volunteering TBH), so no questions are ever asked. He's grateful that by me being at home for several years, and not really gone back into working long days, then I've always been here for the children meaning he could get on with his career - so it's worked well for the whole family. We are a team though, whilst I was here to help the children far more than he was (long days and a fair bit of travelling), he did his fair share of weekend homework etc

Sorry that doesn't answer your question as our circumstances haven't really changed, I've always earned a pittance. I really feel for you though OP Thanks

greyinganddecaying · 03/03/2022 08:25

OP - firstly your DD is fine. Year 1 is very different to Reception, learning isn't linear, she is not "mediocre", sounds like she is on track and is just learning what's required as education steps up a gear.

I earn double what my OH earns. We both contribute equally but in different ways. At no point have I resented him or said he "doesn't add value" - and we are not as financially secure as you are.

Your husband is treating you badly. In your shoes I'd try to discuss it with him. If he's reluctant I would tell him that you want couples counselling to resolve this or the marriage is over, because it's not fair on you to be his emotional punching bag whenever things don't go the way they should.

Good luck.

frozendaisy · 03/03/2022 08:31

Your child is 6.

Too much pressure can break a child.

Kind encouragement to instill a love of learning is all you need to both do right now.

And perhaps your middle child will not be top of the class academic. And no amount of shouting, pushing, disappointment or tutoring will change that.

For disclosure I am a SAHM, 2 naturally bright but lazy at times kids, house full of books, science bits, couple of after school clubs a week, long hours working partner. We get terrible exam scores from time to time, well terrible compared to their class stuff.

There is no chance in hell that partner would demand top of the class for his kids. That's just not how to get the best out of them.

They are not achievements to boast about at family gatherings. I would remind your partner of this. They are small humans to love and enjoy not heap the adult pressure of success onto. Also remembering your 6 year old is just coming out of a very disruptive 2 year start to their education. Basically tell him to back off and give everyone a break.

RealRaymondReddington · 03/03/2022 08:37

Your child is too young for talk of blame etc when it comes to education. There is also no need to be top of the class in school, particularly at primary. Children need encouragement and to be helped to enjoy their learning, if you make it seem like a massive chore now it can lead to resentment and dislike later. Encourage, make it fun etc but accept that all children go at different paces and need to be allowed to do so.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 03/03/2022 08:44

Firstly, there is no need for blame here as nothing is wrong. If you and dh feel that your child is not achieving their potential then it’s up to both of you to find a way to help your child. I work part time so I take charge of my dcs education but I also have dh backing me up and getting involved if I ask him to.

Secondly, your dh doesn’t sound very nice. He sounds like he has certain expectations of you and dcs and but only wants to dictate these expectations and not get involved.

Sunnysideup999 · 03/03/2022 09:23

Hmmm - similar situation here.
I think it’s both parents to look at how to address it .
The one who is home more can oversee more and support/ help with homework more etc, but the overall ‘strategy’ is for both parents to sort and agree on.
Eg both parents to agree on perhaps getting a private tutor - when this would be, buying resources/books that might help etc.
Both parents having a chat with the child about where they can do better , how to check work etc

luckylavender · 03/03/2022 09:33

A more traditional Sahm set up....? I fell asleep and I was back in the 1950s. Hmm

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 03/03/2022 09:36

There's been some really useful advice on here, thank you.

He's just not in the kind of job where he can scale back- its all in or not at all sadly . And at this moment in time as we are still quire young with a young family i don't think he feels able to step back from it. I'm happy to take the rough with the smooth to facilitate his job as it really has set our family up and he's earning more than I could in a lifetime of work.

However I'm not sure at what point him venting becomes the new narrative and leads to permanent resentment / issues for the kids.

I dont feel confident enough to discuss it as the pattern of these conversations is that if I'm not happy he'll take over at home and I can feel free to go out and get a job that pays his salary.

At this stage in our lives / careers that's simply not possible I don't believe . At least I can't think of q way to improve my salary tenfold overnight. But I find it hard to "come back " with anything to counter that contribution. Everything on the home side is so much "softer"

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 03/03/2022 09:50

Sorry if that's not clear- what I mean is that if I argue that he's being unreasonable he'll say he's not . I'm making excuses. That the kids aren't average and if they're not excelling it's because I'm not doing a proper job. (DOI we met at oxbridge and so this is his evidence that kids should be exceedign) and if I can't "sort it out" I should get a job that pays his wage so that he can quit and sort it out himself

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 03/03/2022 09:52

I'm my current job I'm at top of payscale so wpuld have to be complete career change at latex30s on maternity leave. Not really feasible imho

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 03/03/2022 09:55

I am a hospital doctor if that makes any difference. Met husband when I was studying medicine (him law)

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/03/2022 10:00

I dont feel confident enough to discuss it as the pattern of these conversations is that if I'm not happy he'll take over at home and I can feel free to go out and get a job that pays his salary.

But that is putting money ahead of family life. He is putting money ahead of everything.

And even though genetics play a part 2 Oxbridge parents doesnt necessarily equal an Oxbridge child or one who wants to go.

Frankly OP he sounds awful the more you write about him. You are a doctor and it comes out now at this point - that to me shows that he has worn you down

AlexaShutUp · 03/03/2022 10:04

The more you post, the more awful he sounds, OP. Honestly, I would leave before he totally fucks up your kids for life.

It doesn't matter that you both went to Oxbridge. It isn't fair to put that level of pressure on your dc. Their academic success or otherwise is not a reflection of their value as people, nor of your success as a parent. Your children are individuals who will follow their own path. They might turn out to be very academic or they might not. Your primary concern as parents should be about whether they are happy, healthy and growing into decent people.

spacehardware · 03/03/2022 10:06

Sounds like your husband knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. What a prick.

spacehardware · 03/03/2022 10:08

FYI I'm a lawyer, I find the frequency of posts on relationships about big swinging dick men lawyers bullying their SAHM wives depressing and comical. Law ain't all that - most of it is glorified admin. And there are loads of ways he could step down to a smaller firm / less pressured area if he wanted to.

Clymene · 03/03/2022 10:11

Right so you're an exceptionally clever woman in a really demanding job and he's making you feel utterly worthless.

Who looks after you when you're stressed? I can't imagine the past few years have been a picnic working in the NHS.

He is a bully who is emotionally abusing you. And using his high earning job as an excuse. Even clever women can end up in abusive relationships.

justsippingsometea · 03/03/2022 10:15

If it would be a useful exercise maybe you can take some time to think about what you want, and how you want your life to look, maybe some things you'd like to do in your spare time (if you had some) and bullet point them here for us.

Do you love your job and want to stay in it?
Would you rather be at home with your kids?
What hobbies do you have or what might you like to try?
Do you like cooking?
When was the last time you went on a family holiday?
When was the last time you went for a coffee on your own or with the baby?

I'm trying to think of more prompts!

It will make an action plan more clear in your mind and maybe we can give you some advice on how to achieve it.

I remember my mum telling me how when she was in the throws of depression with a new baby and crap husband, her therapist kept asking her what she wanted or what she might like to do about her situation and she literally couldn't understand what she was asking or even comprehend an answer because she had completely lost herself. Don't get there!

1Wanda1 · 03/03/2022 10:21

I don't really understand the comments that say this is a matter of equal responsibilities. If you've got primary school aged children and one parent is working till 7-8pm every day then clearly the practicalities mean that the SAHP is the one with the day to day responsibility for supervising and helping with homework and supporting learning. Yes the working parent can do some at weekends but you can't pack it all in to evenings after 7pm or the weekend - that's not fair on the child or the working parent.

Nor is this a question of which parent is more intelligent. We're talking about primary school content not A level maths. Unless one parent has learning difficulties themself then this is the SAHP's job to support Mon-Fri and the working parent could help a bit at weekends.

I used to be a SAHP and it wouldn't have occurred to me to expect the other parent to start doing homework when they got home at 7pm.

daisyjgrey · 03/03/2022 10:21

You're a team...not two parties working separately so one can take the blame for something.

Clymene · 03/03/2022 10:24

@1Wanda1

I don't really understand the comments that say this is a matter of equal responsibilities. If you've got primary school aged children and one parent is working till 7-8pm every day then clearly the practicalities mean that the SAHP is the one with the day to day responsibility for supervising and helping with homework and supporting learning. Yes the working parent can do some at weekends but you can't pack it all in to evenings after 7pm or the weekend - that's not fair on the child or the working parent.

Nor is this a question of which parent is more intelligent. We're talking about primary school content not A level maths. Unless one parent has learning difficulties themself then this is the SAHP's job to support Mon-Fri and the working parent could help a bit at weekends.

I used to be a SAHP and it wouldn't have occurred to me to expect the other parent to start doing homework when they got home at 7pm.

But the OP isn't a SAHP. She's a hospital doctor on maternity leave
1Wanda1 · 03/03/2022 10:24

Also your DH sounds like a dick. My commiserations.