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Original poster

If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

318 replies

Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 21:37

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 21:57

@ThePoint678

For a primary aged child who is just not meeting their potential, my view is it’s the SAHP’s responsibility. If the child is older and the academic work harder then I’d say it is up to the SAHP to organise and facilitate tutoring or whatever supports are needed.

Why have the traditional set up of one person responsible for earning the money and one responsible for the house and kids if you then don’t stick to that? Does the working out of the home parent ask the SAHP to chip in money for the bills? No…

I don’t support the “traditional way” by the way. We both work and we both look after the kids and domestics. Then if something is a problem, it is a problem for us both to solve.

Yes - this is my partners view. I don't think it's unreasonable but also just feeling a but low about the whole thing as finding it hard juggling 3 kids and so wanted to canvass views. Thanks
OP posts:
Woofwoofbarkbark · 02/03/2022 21:58

@ThePoint678

For a primary aged child who is just not meeting their potential, my view is it’s the SAHP’s responsibility. If the child is older and the academic work harder then I’d say it is up to the SAHP to organise and facilitate tutoring or whatever supports are needed.

Why have the traditional set up of one person responsible for earning the money and one responsible for the house and kids if you then don’t stick to that? Does the working out of the home parent ask the SAHP to chip in money for the bills? No…

I don’t support the “traditional way” by the way. We both work and we both look after the kids and domestics. Then if something is a problem, it is a problem for us both to solve.

It's the responsibility of both parents if a child isn't meeting their needs at school.

The SAHP can do more practically. But it's both parents responsibility to get that child back up and going again.

Fuck!! Just because someone chooses to do housework instead of earning money doesn't mean the person who ear s the money gets to opt out of bringing up their child.

Thank fuck your not SAHP. You obviously don't understand how it works!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 02/03/2022 21:58

My ds (7) is behind with his reading. Although he works full time, dh is best placed to help him because ds views reading to his dad as him teaching him. He actively wants to do it. He hates reading to me. So dh helps that way and I read to ds, plan trips, organise extra curricular stuff, do maths, geography etc.

We both want our children to do well so we work together. Blame gets you nowhere.

jytdtysrht · 02/03/2022 21:59

No point in blame.

Agree a plan to help your child with schoolwork.

If unsure, ask the specific question on here on a new thread.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2022 21:59

Does it matter. Both parents should be working together.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 22:00

@JaneJeffer

Who is making the comparison between the siblings?
Me, I shouldn't do that- it's just sibling needs much less support to get homework done/ more independent etc and so that's probably what prompted me to say that.
OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 02/03/2022 22:01

Both. Neither parent gets to abdicate responsibility. If there's a problem you come up with a plan together and work out how it can be put into action.

However, a child should not be missing out on projected targets because of work not done at home. Support from home is great but lack of progress can't be blamed on the lack of it.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 22:01

I should say child is expected level so not failing, just normally is exceeding and partner angry / disappointed

OP posts:
sosickofthisshit · 02/03/2022 22:03

You're not a SAHP, you're on maternity leave, and just because you're on mat leave, doesn't mean your partner gets to check of all parenting responsibilities. I'm getting sick of reading about these arseholes who think because they earn money, it absolves them from any parenting. He is equally responsible for the wellbeing, including educationally of all your kids, it's not just down to you, so he needs to step the fuck up and work with you to resolve it.

JaneJeffer · 02/03/2022 22:03

Yes you shouldn't do it @Eucalyptusbee well not in front of the children anyway. Can you get any help from the teacher as to what you can do to help with homework?

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2022 22:06

Yes I suspected as much OP that your child is a perfectly normal average meeting expectations rather than exceeding

This is your Partner's issue and one he needs to get a grip on. There is NOTHING wrong with meeting expectations - it is after all what the majority of children will be doing as it is likely to be based on a bell curve.

Not every child can exceed - if they did it simply would not be exceeding.

I have two like yours - how old is your second born. Mine has started to change as he gets older

CraftyYankee · 02/03/2022 22:07

Are you married? Please say you're married if you have three kids and he outearns you by a lot, and is getting bored/impatient with you.

It sounds like you're both massively underestimating the impact a new baby is having on both you and your other children. You're tired, your older children probably aren't getting enough sleep either with a baby in the house, they're getting less of your attention (partner too for that matter).

Everyone needs more patience, leeway and care right now, not blame and judgment. Your child needs to be reminded they're still important even with a new baby, not reprimanded for not meeting expectations.

I saw a great line on another thread recently - "all fed, none dead." Live by that standard for a while and let the rest go. And definitely cut back on extracurriculars. Good luck!

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 02/03/2022 22:08

A dad who is angry and disappointed as soon as his (young) child is not excelling, and transfers that anger and blame on the other parent sounds a pretty horrible man to me

The whole blame thing is a ridiculous way to look at the issue

FWIW as a sahm I did do the bulk of homework support , finding a tutor, dyslexia assessment etc etc but I never felt my partner blamed me for my oldest falling behind....

Honestly, your H sounds so unpleasant Sad

Woofwoofbarkbark · 02/03/2022 22:09

@Eucalyptusbee

I should say child is expected level so not failing, just normally is exceeding and partner angry / disappointed
Then tell him to calm down, your child has a new sibling so that will throw them out of sorts and they also do too much outside of school.

He can't blame you/ the child. He can blame himself for adding another child into the mix and signing his child up for clubs every night.

Nothing wrong with being expected.

Is it a middle child by any chance?

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 22:10

Teacher been very helpful its just small things eg reading more often. I just find it hard to fit it all in after school as children 7yrs 5years and 3months and with getting them picked up fed and off to clubs with breastfed baby into the mix there's never enough time before it's suddenly bedtime

.but think partner doesn't "get" it as doing a bit of extra reading/ maths sounds seemingly so simple to get on top of . Says I'm not adding any value.

OP posts:
Stokey · 02/03/2022 22:10

Also depending on their age, they've had 2 years of very disrupted schooling. These could have been years in which they learn basic skills like reading,writing and concentration. It's not surprising and of course no-one is to blame. Is your partner a pushy parent? Is there any reason that your child needs to be excelling at primary?

Woofwoofbarkbark · 02/03/2022 22:11

Its really sounding like your husband is the problem here.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 22:12

Yes it's middle child. She's just turning 6. Year 1

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/03/2022 22:12

So he is 5 and meeting expectations after 2 years and the teacher just said add in a bit of reading.

And you arent adding value - you have a real partner issue here OP

Stokey · 02/03/2022 22:13

Your children are very young. In most of Europe, children only start school at 7.

mizzo · 02/03/2022 22:13

Firstly your not a SAHM. You are employed and on maternity leave to recover from pregnancy and birth and to care for your new baby.
Secondly this is a primary school child who has lived through the disruption of a pandemic, has a new sibling and is still working towards their expected level. There is no reason to blame anyone for anything here.
You have a small baby, your husband should be more supportive. Parenting should be joint effort, yes you might be their to supervise homework but that shouldn't be an excuse for home to check out.
I'm a SAHM, my husband isn't here for most of the week but is still as involved with the children and their progress as much as he can be.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 22:14

@CraftyYankee

Are you married? Please say you're married if you have three kids and he outearns you by a lot, and is getting bored/impatient with you.

It sounds like you're both massively underestimating the impact a new baby is having on both you and your other children. You're tired, your older children probably aren't getting enough sleep either with a baby in the house, they're getting less of your attention (partner too for that matter).

Everyone needs more patience, leeway and care right now, not blame and judgment. Your child needs to be reminded they're still important even with a new baby, not reprimanded for not meeting expectations.

I saw a great line on another thread recently - "all fed, none dead." Live by that standard for a while and let the rest go. And definitely cut back on extracurriculars. Good luck!

Thank you, you are very kind.

Yes we are married. Also to throw more into the mix i shoud say we are trying to move so I've been busy decluttering the house/ getting it ready for viewings / driving 1.5 hrs each way at least once per week depending on what's coming on the market to view houses in our new location.

So this argument today has just left me feeling low

Not sure what else I can do

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 22:15

@mizzo

Firstly your not a SAHM. You are employed and on maternity leave to recover from pregnancy and birth and to care for your new baby. Secondly this is a primary school child who has lived through the disruption of a pandemic, has a new sibling and is still working towards their expected level. There is no reason to blame anyone for anything here. You have a small baby, your husband should be more supportive. Parenting should be joint effort, yes you might be their to supervise homework but that shouldn't be an excuse for home to check out. I'm a SAHM, my husband isn't here for most of the week but is still as involved with the children and their progress as much as he can be.
Thank you. I made these points but he just says thats not good enough and I'm making excuses for myself
OP posts:
Woofwoofbarkbark · 02/03/2022 22:18

My middle child felt the brunt of a new sibling the most.

Your husband sounds so mean and heartless and needs to open his eyes to what's actually happening under his roof.

The lack of respect from him to you is astounding.

Fireflygal · 02/03/2022 22:20

What's the reason for the move? Will you have more support from family and can you still work?

With a new baby and upheaval that causes It's absolutely natural for the dc not for be so focused. Also education is a marathon not a sprint. One parents evening makes zero difference to success, especially if in primary school.

Your husband is being an idiot for getting angry and blaming you.