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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

318 replies

Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 21:37

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

OP posts:
ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:16

I don't know. He says yes but we could afford for him to stop (no mortgage, school fees saved for) and he hasn't. Would just need a lifestyle adjustment re holidays and being a but more frugal. He out earns me by so much I couldn't support lifestyle on my income alone. When I'm working I do 48h per week. He does more like 70h.

So actually you’re financially quite secure and he’s possibly burning himself out for the sparkles, bells and whistles?

I think he needs to seek counselling or life coaching, in all honesty. It is absolutely not okay to be sniping at the mother of your children - one of which is a tiny baby - purportedly because of a parents evening. He needs to reassess priorities and look at cutting his work stress.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:16

@ThymePoultice yes he did know my job but we met very young and it all seemed different then (aged 20, although first baby aged 29). Now we are 38.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:18

Yes @jolota I have always been responsible for the house and kids even when working, although we did put them in nursery and for a time have an au pair when my hours were changeable. I organised all that though and paid for it.

OP posts:
ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:18

I go silent. I can never seem to defebd my position in q discussion about it as he is can always just say he's bankrolling the family and my contributions are much softer/ anyone could do them. He has gone to bed and sent me some whatsapps along the same lines as previous comments which I've read and ignored

I dont have it in me tonargue just feel so deflated and depressed

Honestly this sounds more toxic with each new post.

In your shoes I’d be looking at leaning in at work once you go back in November and making sure I had some easy access savings, in case he gets worse and the marriage goes south.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:20

I could probably count on two hands the number of nappies he's changed. This time round he went back to the office the day after I came home from hospital and I did the school run dinner etc from then on

OP posts:
Blinkingbatshit · 02/03/2022 23:21

I do understand that it’s a difficult conversation- I’d be lying if I said there hadn’t been moment my dh and I have momentarily resented each other - but you do need to have it. Does your dh have any mates to that he sees regularly to sound these things out with….a friend spelling things out is sooo useful!

Change123today · 02/03/2022 23:21

@Eucalyptusbee as I said in a earlier reply my husband earns a lot more than me.

A few years ago he did get ‘resentful’ by the pay difference (not sure that’s the right word but he was being a twat) i remembering turning to him and saying imagine this same conversation between your daughter and her future husband. How do you want her to be treated, you as her father and we as parents and husband and wife are what she will identify with.
He realised what he was doing - we made changes (got a cleaner for example) and we work as a team. Money is in a one pot. Whilst bringing up two very strong independent girls. Who sees their Dad muck in as much as Mum - and we’ve tried to not fall into male/female roles - i can cut the grass just as well as my husband can hoover.
Hopefully both our girls will demand the same equality as they grow up :)

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:22

[quote Eucalyptusbee]@ThymePoultice yes he did know my job but we met very young and it all seemed different then (aged 20, although first baby aged 29). Now we are 38.[/quote]
Well that’s life isn’t it? We all make choices before we are 25 that we have to live for forever, rough and smooth alike. That’s literally why university education traditionally starts in the teens.

He was an adult, not 12, and now he has a family relying on him.

If you’re mortgage free with school fees saved before 40, there’s plenty of latitude there to reorganise things. It’s not like he’s slaving down the mine in desperate hope of paying the rent.

Is he often nasty? If it’s a new thing, maybe rule out depression?

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:24

Thank you. Yes I think a cleaner would be a help! I also think part of the issue is i just get on with stuff and so make it look quite easy - I thought this was a positive as no burdens for him, but actually I think it just means he doesn't value my contribution properly

OP posts:
justsippingsometea · 02/03/2022 23:25

@Eucalyptusbee

Not due back at work till November though so for time being is traditional set up
I know what you mean but it's not really the case. You are employed and on maternity leave which is a time for recovery and establishing life with a new baby, not magically being able to dive head first in to running the perfect household, supporting children's learning, and I assume doing all the cooking and house work. It's just not realistic and shouldn't be expected of you!

If you were a permanent SAHM you would have had time to create a set up/ routine that works for you and the children and have some down time as well which you would totally deserve.

This is a time for the 'all fed, not dead' policy, not performance reviews from your husband.

Re earning disparities, your husband or whoever the higher earner is in any relationship - has to completely respect and appreciate the frankly PRICELESS contribution the other makes to the home and family.

I think you need a big dollop of appreciation from you husband!

Clymene · 02/03/2022 23:25

What a horrible horrible man. Sorry, I'm sure that's not very helpful but I'm just appalled

Blinkingbatshit · 02/03/2022 23:25

Oh op, the more you post the more worried I am for you - this guy needs to step up and sharpish, he’s letting you all down massively. Sounds like he wants the kudos of the (unrealistic) perfect family without wanting to do any work to help accrue it. I would start to at least plan an exit strategy for when you want it 💐

RancidRuby · 02/03/2022 23:26

@Eucalyptusbee

He said he's not interested in mediocrity and I should stop making excuses
Blimey. About a 5 year old! He sounds like a right twat.
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:26

@ThymePoultice

No he's not usually nasty- just super stressed at the moment.

Brexit / covid / ukraine have all had major kmpacts to his job and although it pays well its extremely volatile

Which is part of the reason I don't like to argue as he's stressed enough as it is

Depression is a good thought

OP posts:
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:29

Thank you everyone for your posts. This has been really supportive as in real life I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it as most of our friends are mutual as we met young and I don't want them to judge him / I'm quite private about some things

It's really nice just to explain the situation and be told I'm not necessarily the problem

Been feeling like a bit of a failure

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 02/03/2022 23:32

Well don't argue, but you don't need to accept the things he's saying, just walk away, mute him on WhatsApp for a bit if he is making horrible comments. You don't deserve this treatment, however stressed he is.

He may think he is "bankrolling" the family, but would he be able to work 70 hours if you weren't there to pick up the slack? He wouldn't be able to earn as much as he does without you enabling it, now he's a father.

Fullyhuman · 02/03/2022 23:33

Oh God, leave him!

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:33

Well get him to a GP or therapist first, if you can.

Your DC will be affected if they pick up the pressure Daddy is exerting about academics (and it is ridiculously out of proportion to be ranting about the school “performance” of a very small child).You will eventually buckle under all this pressure, too.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:36

Been feeling like a bit of a failure

You actually sound very stoic and a bit of a rock. Flowers

Do not start thinking negatively about yourself. It is definitely his behaviour that is unreasonable.

TheSmallAssassin · 02/03/2022 23:36

Been feeling like a bit of a failure

Oh love, you really aren't Flowers

Coyoacan · 02/03/2022 23:44

If you feel like a failure, imagine what your dd feels like. Maybe she is blissfully unaware but for how long is she going to be shielded from knowing that her father thinks she is mediocre?

GiveMeNovocain · 02/03/2022 23:44

For someone who doesn't rate mediocrity he's a piss poor husband. He really needs to take a long look in the mirror and think about how his own behaviour reflects on him. He is a partner and parent and should be building these relationships instead of degrading them. What can you do other than leave? I can't see where the love is and how you bring it back. Get as much as you can in the divorce and make sure your children know that all you expect is them to do their best in school. Read when you can, but the foundation of love will make far more difference in the long run to their health and happiness. Focus on what matters and find strength to fight for your babies

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 02/03/2022 23:48

You've more resilience and strength than me. When I started out as a sahm after second baby I think I made it 8 weeks before having an almighty blow out and roaring if it's so f*ing easy let's see you do it and practically got out of a moving car. You can't be in charge of the home, laundry, food, childcare, education, health, house move, emotional well being etc etc etc wtt one person can't do all that. It's crazy. I'd defo cut back a little. Not do dinner but spend my evenings reading with the children instead. Or an impromptu weekend with my mum. You either have value or you don't. So if you don't then why are you working so hard?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 02/03/2022 23:49

(Reading to the kids to make a point- not as a solution to the non-problem the teacher raised)

AlwaysLatte · 02/03/2022 23:55

We tend to do all this together so homework/parents eves/anything really we both do. DH is a governor at one of their schools so anything thorny I tend to deal with to avoid a possible clash of interest although thankfully there has been only one minor thing so far.

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