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Original poster

If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

318 replies

Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 21:37

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

OP posts:
SkankingMopoke · 02/03/2022 22:55

OP those parent's eve comments are the norm though, they always leave you with a few bits to take away and work on. Most parents I know, me included, would expect to be guided to where to spend our time with them at home.
My DCs had their consultations last week. Both teachers reminded me to listen to them read most days and provide a range of texts, despite them both far exceeding expectations for reading. DD2 is also exceeding in her writing, but it didn't stop a few tips for improvement there either. Does your DH expect the teacher to declare "Nope! No tips for improvement! Your child is perfect and has learnt everything it is possible to know!"?

bellsbuss · 02/03/2022 22:56

SAHM and DH always supports maths homework as he explains it better than I do. I do reading and spellings as I find DH zones out on reading duties. I do reading and spellings before dinner and DH will do Maths homework over the weekend. I do 90% of all chores but I don't mind as this was what we agreed when we decided I would be a SAHM.

SkankingMopoke · 02/03/2022 22:57

Argh, sorry for the replication! Wrote a reply, it said post failed. Posted again (more succinctly!) and post #1 appears... FFS.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/03/2022 22:58

Well stay at home parent if possible, as they have more time, but obviously if help is needed for maths, and they are terrible at it, and the earning partner good at it, then you’d expect the earning partner to make time, and the SAHP to support.

Both parents should be supporting their kids education.

justsippingsometea · 02/03/2022 22:58

Now I've read your updates, he just sounds like a complete nitwit.

Traditional set up only works well when both parties are truly appreciated for what they do.

Although, you do actually work so it's not even really traditional! He's expecting all the trappings of a SAHM but for you to go to work as well? Since you can't actually quit being a mum, I'd quit the job.

Understand you might not want to quit your job, but something has to give!

optimistic40 · 02/03/2022 23:01

I do not think that a stay at home parent (or maternity leave) means that you're on your own when it comes to education. Most decent parents whether working or at home with babies should take an interest and support their children educationally.

Also - whoever is better at a subject is better placed to help.

Gwegowygwiggs · 02/03/2022 23:01

@ThePoint678

For a primary aged child who is just not meeting their potential, my view is it’s the SAHP’s responsibility. If the child is older and the academic work harder then I’d say it is up to the SAHP to organise and facilitate tutoring or whatever supports are needed.

Why have the traditional set up of one person responsible for earning the money and one responsible for the house and kids if you then don’t stick to that? Does the working out of the home parent ask the SAHP to chip in money for the bills? No…

I don’t support the “traditional way” by the way. We both work and we both look after the kids and domestics. Then if something is a problem, it is a problem for us both to solve.

This is fucking lunacy. Being a SAHP does not mean taking 100% responsibility for raising the children. What fucking planet are you on?
Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:02

Not due back at work till November though so for time being is traditional set up

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 02/03/2022 23:03

I am so angry on your behalf @Eucalyptusbee! He might think that only his opinion counts, but you don't have to think the same. You don't need to make excuses, if he doesn't think you are doing a good enough job, he can do it. He's not your bloody boss! You are doing fine, as is your daughter, his disappointment in both of you is neither here nor there.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you happy?

converseandjeans · 02/03/2022 23:04

eucalyptusbee

I should say child is expected level so not failing, just normally is exceeding and partner angry / disappointed

He is being ridiculous. Your poor DD has missed chunks of education due to lockdowns. He's not interested in mediocrity? What a horrible thing to say.

He's being unreasonable to expect you to look after a small baby & juggle extra curricular activities and then manage to get the two eldest to 'excel'.

Whist if you're the one home then that's your 'job' to sort the kids out, DH needs to accept that it's a juggling act. Maybe DD is average academically.

I feel sorry that a 6 yo is under pressure.

Momijin · 02/03/2022 23:05

Your husband sounds like a complete wanker. Tell him to f off.

You're doing an amazing job and your kids are doing great. He's not the boss of you and if he can't be bothered pulling his weight at home then the least he could do is be grateful for the great job you're doing.

Don't let a pathetic man with a job make you feel less than. My blood is boiling for you. Do not accept this treatment.

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:05

For those of you who have big disparities in earning- how do you avoid your lower income becoming something the higher earner resents? It was never like this originally and has kind of crept up on us

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 02/03/2022 23:06

I work 10 hrs pw. Dh works 37 hrs pw. Ds does homework after tea usually around 6pm we are both home at that time so which ever one of us is free helps him. As the parent who works less hours majority of cooking/cleaning /dog walking falls to me. I also do school runs. But on a evening we share homework duty and both put ds to bed. Weekends we do everything 50:50. Just caus I work less we are both still parents.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/03/2022 23:07

Your child has too much on and is tired.

We split homework by who is better at each subject-I’m more English/history/music/art. DH does STEM. Works for us.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:07

Blame really does seem an unhelpful idea. Is this breadwinner unhappy with breadwinning generally?

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:08

Thank you @Momijin @converseandjeans and @thesmallassassin

Your posts appeared while I was typing and have made me feel very emotional

Just feeling very tired i guess and was nice to hear some support

OP posts:
spacehardware · 02/03/2022 23:08

"He said he's not interested in mediocrity and I should stop making excuses"

Sorry what? This is what your husband said about a year 1 child?

And you don't "add value"?

How do you type those words and not think he must be mental or horrid? Which is it?

WHY do women tolerate this shit seriously

Beancounter1 · 02/03/2022 23:09

He said he's not interested in mediocrity and I should stop making excuses

How do you react when he says crap like this? Do you go silent? Try to placate him or smooth it over?

You need to find your anger, and aim it squarely at him. Give him (verbally) both barrels.
How DARE he talk to you like that.

Also, do some research and add up the cost that he would have to pay if you weren't there: cleaner, laundry service, eating-out or expensive home meal options, taxis for the children, tutor, not to mention wrap-around childcare for the older two and full time nursery or nanny for the baby. Present him with it and show him how much money you are saving him by continuing to live with him. Money is the language that he understands - he doesn't seem to value you for anything else!

SeaToSki · 02/03/2022 23:10

Tell him You agree that mediocrity isnt acceptable and so why isnt he stepping up. You just increased your workload by 50% (extra child) in the last year. Has he done the same ? No..well then he can buckle down and add to the family at weekends and do reading and math games with both elder dc while you change the bloody light bulbs he is complaining about

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:11

@ThymePoultice

Blame really does seem an unhelpful idea. Is this breadwinner unhappy with breadwinning generally?
I don't know. He says yes but we could afford for him to stop (no mortgage, school fees saved for) and he hasn't. Would just need a lifestyle adjustment re holidays and being a but more frugal. He out earns me by so much I couldn't support lifestyle on my income alone. When I'm working I do 48h per week. He does more like 70h.
OP posts:
SeaToSki · 02/03/2022 23:11

Oh and tell him that love for dc should be unconditional, and if his dc is going to be average (as 50 % of dc are) then he needs to love her as she is.

ThymePoultice · 02/03/2022 23:12

@Eucalyptusbee

For those of you who have big disparities in earning- how do you avoid your lower income becoming something the higher earner resents? It was never like this originally and has kind of crept up on us
Well for starters, he needs to agree right now that you have a tiny baby and this would be maternity leave time anyway.

Just seen your other post. So you literally ARE on maternity leave and not due back until November? He’s being a complete arse. Honestly what’s wrong with the man?

Re earning level, presumably he knew your job going into this?

Original poster
Eucalyptusbee · 02/03/2022 23:14

@Beancounter1

He said he's not interested in mediocrity and I should stop making excuses

How do you react when he says crap like this? Do you go silent? Try to placate him or smooth it over?

You need to find your anger, and aim it squarely at him. Give him (verbally) both barrels.
How DARE he talk to you like that.

Also, do some research and add up the cost that he would have to pay if you weren't there: cleaner, laundry service, eating-out or expensive home meal options, taxis for the children, tutor, not to mention wrap-around childcare for the older two and full time nursery or nanny for the baby. Present him with it and show him how much money you are saving him by continuing to live with him. Money is the language that he understands - he doesn't seem to value you for anything else!

I go silent. I can never seem to defebd my position in q discussion about it as he is can always just say he's bankrolling the family and my contributions are much softer/ anyone could do them. He has gone to bed and sent me some whatsapps along the same lines as previous comments which I've read and ignored

I dont have it in me tonargue just feel so deflated and depressed

OP posts:
Blinkingbatshit · 02/03/2022 23:15

Because OP I add huge value - I am a full time nanny, housekeeper, admin assistant, cook, cleaner, tutor, gardener, odd job man (
….and because I’m invested I do it waaay better than any employee would. I’m also part of a team - he takes on the heavier financial side but I pick up shed loads of slack elsewhere. If you aren’t a team striving for shared goals, which by the sounds of it your dh isn’t, then you need to find ways in which to challenge the status quo💐

jolota · 02/03/2022 23:15

@Eucalyptusbee

For those of you who have big disparities in earning- how do you avoid your lower income becoming something the higher earner resents? It was never like this originally and has kind of crept up on us
I don't know how you can 'avoid' this because it is 100% your husbands problem. It is a huge personality failing to believe that money is so valuable that you deserve to be disrespected for earning less. Maternity leave is not the same as being a SAHP at all. My husband earns more than double what I earn, if I got even a whiff of disrespect from him about it, I would be furious. He knows that I work very hard at my job so just because I earn less doesn't mean I don't come home just as exhausted! If things have been going downhill for a while I honestly think you need couples counselling. Your logic obviously isn't going to get through to him. He sounds awful and needs his eyes opening by someone else. I think that hiring 'help' to do this would be a stopgap if he really feels this way about you it would still end up being your fault somehow if things didn't work out & no doubt he'd resent the money spent even more when you 'should' be doing it yourself. What is his plan for when you go back to work & by his logic are no longer a SAHP? Who will help your daughters education then? Presumably because you earn less he will expect you to be in charge of this on top of your job to 'build your value'!? His treatment of you is unacceptable & his attitude will damage your children's self esteem in the future too