If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

[Eucalyptusbee]

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

It looks like you too, OP, have bought into the idea that your family needs loads and loads of money -in your husband's savings accounts-.

You are a parent now and need to think about what values, if any, you are passing on to your children. At the moment you have bought into the idea that a person is worth the money they have in their pocket or the report card they bring home from school.

Only in a very money-oriented world, would a lawyer be more important than an anesthetist and, from the sums of money being referred to, I presume he is a corporate lawyer, not the most admirable area of his profession.

Both parents are equally responsible. So when it comes to figuring out why child isn't performing well, and what can be done to help support them... that's a conversation that both parents need to be involved in.

I’m sorry OP. Haven’t read the whole thread but have read enough to see what is happening here. Several different issues.

1. Biggest problem is your DH does not respect you and thinks his income entitles him to be rude to you. I don’t know what to suggest for this apart from couples therapy. I suspect he uses his high income / busy job to avoid all housework, childcare, and need to be pleasant to his wife 😢 The way he spoke to you is neither normal or ok. I also am a sahm with a high earning DH and if he told me “I’m not interested in mediocrity” I’d (a) be totally shocked and (b) respond woth something like “well I’m not interested in being spoken to like I work for you, if you want a genius child you could try not being such a shit dad, maybe start with being a civil husband first.”

1. Issue 2 is he has destroyed your self-confidence and sense of self-worth.

1. You have a high income DH, no mortgage, and intend private school, plus a young baby. I know people in your position who have a cleaner 3x a week!! Get a cleaner…

1. 6 yr old is bright but isn’t currently excelling at academic work. Maybe they do too much extra-curricular, maybe they’re tired and distracted by baby / house move, or maybe - and this is most likely - they are doing absolutely great and the things they’re being assessed on at school aren’t their main strengths. At age 6 all teachers talk about is maths and reading. If you want them to be dramatically ahead of class in maths then get a tutor or give then extra lessons yourself. If you want them to be better at reading then read to them lots while running your finger under the words.

Me and dh are fairly equal. I insist on this and we use each other strengths for example he's better at maths so he's solely in charge of the maths I'm better at English etc.
I will do things like print off practice pages from various places but dh has to ensure the maths ones are done and review and go over them. I do most other subjects.

In your situation it's futile to argue who's not doing what and point fingers, and better to accept that if you both care about your dc success you'll both do something about it.

If he is bringing in 10x your anaesthesist's salary, then you, as a household, have more money than the vast majority of the people in this world, and, in fact, history. You have enough in savings to cover some pretty major costs in future. Fundamentally, at this point, he doesn't need to earn any money. Your job, and the savings, are quite enough to "bankroll your family". This high stress job which requires tennis every night to cope, is, when it comes down to it, a hobby. So if his hobby is making him unbearable to live with, and making him unable to parent, then he needs to give it up.
Probably more straightforward for you to leave though.

@carmenitapink "Mat leave is different to being a SAHP because you have a newborn which is more demanding than most FT jobs!"

I'm well aware, having not so long ago been on mat leave with my third child myself. I'm also a lawyer (like the OP's husband). Sorry but it is a fallacy to suggest that mat leave is just for looking after the baby, as though the other kids and house should magically care for themselves. Of course when you're on mat leave you're responsible for the "domestic load". Unless of course you are also maintaining childcare and domestic help, which it appears the OP and husband are not.

The real issue here isn't whether the OP should be dealing with everything at home now, it's the fact that her husband seems to think that even when she's back at work she should be doing it all.

Ps- my partner and I met at oxbridge too, and have 3 small children. We both work part time, so we can both parent and housekeep equally, are well regarded in our professions (and by each other), earn less combined than you probably do by yourself, and have a very happy life!

He is holding it over your head that he earns 10X more than you, as if you were working for minimum wage (and notice how he attaches your worth as a person to your income) and challenges you that if you don't like being stuck as the unworthy person in the relationship, you go out and earn what he earns.

His reasoning implies that he is doing all this work, and you are both benefitting, therefore he expects you to pull your weight for the team (and he will dictate what that means.)

And yet, you pay for most of the living expenses and his stratospheric pay goes towards vacations and.... his savings.

So, in fact, you are not benefitting equally from his high income. In fact, you are benefitting very little, in terms of true financial security. He carefully has everything arranged so that he gets all the long-term benefits and you are plodding along from day to day, hoping that your salary covers the outgoings of daily life.

You are not a team. You are not benefitting from his amazing career. He is only looking after his own financial interests and pretending it's teamwork. It's totally illogical.

This man does not respect you or value you.

Please tell me that you are legally married and the house is at least in your name too. Whose name are the savings in?

@Eucalyptusbee

OP, I think the 'financial split' you have with your H is very one sided ?

I pay for childcare utilities food and kids stuff

He does mortgage school fees holidays and savings

Your 'expenditures' are huge ! And they are ALL on things you cannot do without ?

His 'expenditures' are actually now simply 'savings' (in whose name ? ) and holidays.........

So, in effect, YOU are 'financing' all day to day living and all regular, compulsory expenditures e.g utilities / kids clothes, food, equipment, birthdays, Xmas etc etc while HE gets to jack up HIS pension and keep all the savings (on 10 times YOUR salary), to spend on what he wants, when he wants ?

I'm aware that you've said it's for the kids future 'education', but what if he suddenly decides to change that ? What if he were to leave you ? What if he spent it on something you haven't agreed on together ?

It just seems like you're handing him ALL the financial 'security', while YOU spend ALL yours !

I really think that you need to have a long, long talk with him about how you feel, and what needs to change going forwards.
(If you tend to 'clam up', then perhaps writing down your 'points' to discuss might help ?)

Also, you're going to have to be ready with your replies when he reverts to his 'defensive position', that HE earns more money, and YOU'RE just making excuses because DD2 isn't some kind of bloody 'prodigy' FFS.

(I'd suggest giving him a 'breakdown' of your 'financial' contribution, including wages AND the financial cost of replacing you on the family e.g Cleaner, housekeeper, gardener, Nanny, chauffeur, accountant, secretary, cook etc etc When you total up your earnings PLUS what it would cost him to get someone else to do what you do, week in, week out, 365 days a year, YOUR bloody 'contribution' will add up to MORE than his bloody wages !)

Thank you everyone. Some really useful insights here
.I guess whats also relevant is that this is my only ever serious elationship. My parents died when I was a teenager / 20s (both cancers) and I don't have siblings . so I've just been so grateful to be in a partnership and to have someone take the Financial burden I haven't eever really questioned it all.

I don't think he's trying to avoid sharing finances, it's just Ifter uni moved into the flat that he owned with his brother and so contimrubuted via bills to that arrangement. Then this just transferred over when we got our house together - in both our names

He has always earnt well but the 10x figure is only really the last year or so since his job changed slightly. Prior to that it was around 2x me. And doctors really don't earn as much as everyone thinks by the way!!! Especially junior ones which is what I have been for forever

I have always done all the kids stuff though - with help of nursery / au pair.

He will help out on weekends but not reliably and never during the week- even when dc3 just days old .

I did begrudge this but never said anything as it coincided with omicron which sent his work mental again so was q bit out of his control

Savings are mostly in his name although he has given me some for isas the last 2 years

I don't like dealing with money or confrontation which is how I think we've got to this

Will your DH agree to pay for help?

You're going to be back at work in a few months, this is a period of time where your children could be benefiting from your time and attention. Instead, you're feeling overwhelmed and struggling to keep everything going when you should be enjoying this time with them.

Do you feel that you're managing to give the baby especially enough attention or is all the house/activities stuff getting in the way?

I don't understand why you and your DH wouldn't pay for help for a couple of afternoons a week so that you are less stressed and more mentally present for your children. Especially given that he doesn't seem to be present at all for them and therefore you're the major parental presence in their lives.

Do you ever get any (child-free) time to recharge or are you giving from an empty cup?

I cpuld ask but if I'm honest I think he'd see a request for paid help as a failure by me and another example of how I'm not adding value to the partnership

He might agree to a cleaner though

I could have written your post 15 years ago, only I had baby number 4 at that time. Even the "mediocrity " comment!
My earning potential took a huge hit back then and I ended up a SAHM.
Husband's attitude got worse. He turned it towards the children as they grew up. Now 3 older children really dislike their dad, (especially DD) and the youngest is heading the same way.
If you can get him to understand your contribution to the family is of equal (or of more) value to his, then you have some hope. Otherwise you will feel even more exhausted and disrespected than you do now.
Also you work a 48 hour week and don't have a cleaner? Get that sorted straight away. And pay for it from joint finances!

I don’t believe for one minute that he has fallen into these domestic and financial arrangements accidentally.

We don't have any shared accounts so I'll have to ask him to transfer me the money to pay for the cleaner as I'm only on half pay at the moment (nhs maternity isn't the greatest)

@peepee123

I could have written your post 15 years ago, only I had baby number 4 at that time. Even the "mediocrity " comment! My earning potential took a huge hit back then and I ended up a SAHM. Husband's attitude got worse. He turned it towards the children as they grew up. Now 3 older children really dislike their dad, (especially DD) and the youngest is heading the same way. If you can get him to understand your contribution to the family is of equal (or of more) value to his, then you have some hope. Otherwise you will feel even more exhausted and disrespected than you do now. Also you work a 48 hour week and don't have a cleaner? Get that sorted straight away. And pay for it from joint finances!

Are you still married? Did you find any ways to make things better?

@Eucalyptusbee

I cpuld ask but if I'm honest I think he'd see a request for paid help as a failure by me and another example of how I'm not adding value to the partnership

He might agree to a cleaner though

You don’t have to stay with him you know. You have a good job. You can afford to leave. He is a man that makes you feel like you’re failure, even though you are above and beyond the majority. You have the power to leave, and live a peaceful life.

You seem in thrall to him.

You have no access to his money that he uses to save because you pay all the bills, you have to bend to his will with everything and constantly refer to how you wont be adding value or failing.

You are not an employee you are his wife. You are not the one failing he is - as a husband and as a father. Because the way he was with this parents evening is damaging

He clearly hasnt parented or done anything just his all important job.

I can only hope you wake up to how awful and damaging an environment this is before he does too much damage

@Eucalyptusbee the fact that your husband is earning loads and yet still expects you to clean the toilet is a bit wonky to me. But I think you will get a better result by phrasing it in terms of overall efficiency - as in you can pay someone £x to do all the low skilled work - cleaning ironing and laundry - and it will free you up to help the kids with homework etc.

I also wonder if you have equal leisure time? When he is at the gym/tennis that's leisure time. When you are getting up in the night to feed the baby that is work. I think you'll find you are working way more hours than him and I think you need to write it all down and explain it to him. And then say you need to equal it out - which will probably mean he needs to take on some home stuff - or pay for a cleaner so your hours are reduced.

"I cpuld ask but if I'm honest I think he'd see a request for paid help as a failure by me and another example of how I'm not adding value to the partnership"

Again, if all your accounts are not shared, it is not a partnership. And, why does he get to judge you, that you aren't adding value, etc. HE is the person not adding value to "the partnership." He is keeping all his own value for himself and is only adding value to his own portfolio. Tell him that! Turn the whole thing around. You are treating it as if he has the right to be God here. You are equals. He judges you as a failure? You judge him as a failure! He tells you that you are not adding to the partnership? You tell him the same!

The first thing you can do is insist that if he ever wants to use the word "partnership" again, he needs to ensure that all his accounts are joint with you and that you do not have to beg for money from him like a serf.

I'm so sorry @Eucalyptusbee

Are you coming to the end of training and about to CCT, hence permanent job nearer to where you're moving? And I'm guessing you're currently LTFT? I trained LTFT and it is very very hard, especially with young children.

If you are coming up to CCT then it does all get much better once you have a consultant job. Your days are more regular and you no longer have shift work to contend with - on call from home is a completely different kettle of fish. Also, your earnings will jump.

It's been an absolutely awful time to be an anaesthetist but also to be a trainee. I have really felt for all our trainees, everyone is so tired and burnt out. You were also probably right in the frontline so dealing with PTSD/flashbacks to the things you saw/did.

Your husband is being extremely unfair on you in the context of all of this. My husband is a consultant intensivist, who happened to be the clinical lead during covid. On his rare days off he would do the homeschooling with the children to give me a break. Their education is both our responsibility. He helps with languages/science, I help with english/maths as that is where our strengths lie.

Try to hang in there because you are amazing, please dont't let anyone make you believe otherwise.

How about you offer that HE pay all the daily outgoings: food, utilities, children's stuff, etc. And you put an equal amount in savings (in an account in only your name, of course). See how he likes that. Of course he won't because, despite his claims, you are not actually in a partnership. If you were truly in a partnership, it wouldn't matter which of those costs you paid, because you would have total access to all his income, just as he has (via your expenditures) to yours. It benefits him to ensure you have very little cash, and him have all the cash, so he can pretend you are not contributing to the partnership, and he can hide the truth that there IS no partnership.

Also, start charging him for childcare.

OP forgive me for asking but is there any family/cultural pressure on you to stay with this man or for you to give him so much authority despite you being accomplished yourself? He honestly sounds horrible.