If you're in a more traditional eg sahm set up..

[Eucalyptusbee]

Which parent is more responsible if one of the kids has an issue with poor school performance vs what they should be getting (Not an issue with underlying ability or behaviour, just not meeting expectations as per natural ability).

I'm talking primary school age children here so parental help required for learning support.

Is it
The sah parent
The parent who is focused on earning and so not around to help with homework
Neither

This guy is not going to offer you equal partnership on a plate because what he has going now works perfectly for him and he's pretty invested in keeping it that way. Nice house, nice family, prestige job, financial control, spouse with a prestige job who also shoulders the entire domestic burden, and plenty of time for hobbies and the gym when it suits. Time for his world to get seriously shaken up

Absolutely spot on.

And not only this, but after you’ve provided him with this life, by taking on way more than your fair share, he then has the balls to complain that you haven’t made his child sufficiently perfect and alpha.

The man has a massive sense of entitlement and I suspect the more senior he gets the worse it will get.

For context, I have a similar set up to you and your DH (minus the baby/mat leave), we probably live a similar sort of life. I have been a SAHM or part time since DC and yes I do carry most of the childcare but DH would never ever speak to me this way and he’d get torn a new one if he did.

It’s also going to be immensely damaging for your DC if your DH is going to expect them to be high achieving clones of him.

If parents have to “help” with homework due to “underperformance” of a primary school child - I just find it a bit weird tbh.

Hang the fvck on, OP pays all the day to day bills whilst his massive salary is invested in his own name?

What the actual fvck?

He's a cocklodger.

Primart kids levels do change though , they may have been above level but then at hitting level as sometimes works gets harder

If anyone's not adding any value, it's him. Fuckwit.

Fundamentally this boils down to him having no respect for you as a person, and a misogynistic belief that the kids/housework are your responsibility. He can't have it both ways, either it's easy in which case he can pitch in more, or it's hard in which case he needs to share the load!

You can't fundamentally change his beliefs. I would struggle to stay in a relationship with someone who saw me in this way. If he criticises you again like this I'd tell him you're splitting up and you look forward to seeing how he copes with 50% of the child rearing and 100% of his own housework.

@spacehardware

Hang the fvck on, OP pays all the day to day bills whilst his massive salary is invested in his own name?

What the actual fvck?

He's a cocklodger.

No he’s explained it all to her and he says it’s FINE because he’s calling it something else.

A cocklodger and a gaslighter to boot.

I think i wpuld be less concerned about what he thinks about the income difference than his reaction to a 5 year old not excelling and not accepting mediocre ? What happens if your young children struggle later on, just because a child is above levels at 7 doesn't mean they will always be that way as work changes and new subjects are added, they could be working really hard but it seems that won't be good enough for him , that would be it for me

Your job is actually more important to people than his really
He could take a less stressful job and if you have as several holidays a year he obviously gets good leave
But in any jobs uou can step down of need be or has he is so super intelligent hd could switch to another profession
He doesn't sound a nice person and what happens if one if your children isn't academic how will he treat them

Actually OP, your update about who pays what puts you in a stronger position in some ways.

• Firstly, it shows you can clearly manage financially without him, as you are already paying for everything. In fact, if he wasn't there, your food bill would be considerably lower and you'd get a discount on your council tax. Knowing this should be a bolster to your self-esteem and make you question what value he is bringing really .
• It also means you can have the discussion you need. You say he will throw it back on you, and offer to swap roles. Great! Snap his arm off and bring it on! You can work the job you are already doing, ensuring all the bills are paid (because you're already doing this), but no longer be burdened with childcare and housework! Think of all the free time! Although really if it was a true swap, you would work and build your savings (in your name only OC) whist he also worked, covered the bills, and did all the housework and childcare. You're not a monster though, so will be happy to accept the former swap option whilst he adjusts to the 'new normal' Call his bluff! You don't need to be earning 10 x your current salary to swap roles.

You don’t actually need his huge salary. It’s done the job of securing the family a house and even private school fees. So now it’s just being put aside in a big pile of money (in the bank/investments obviously but the dragon’s hoard is a helpful metaphor) It’s not worth 10x your contribution. Your kids value the time you put in with them at the moment. It’s not the same when you pay for someone else to do something with them. No one else is going to pay attention to the things they like and want to talk to you about, and help them decide if they prefer to spend Wednesday afternoons swimming or playing football. Money can’t buy relationships. This is even more true for babies.
I have needed an anesthetist 3 times in my life. One of the times I would have died without the operation so that anesthetist is part of the team responsible for my continued existence in the world. The one other occasion the operation made an enormous difference to my day-to-day life. The latest occasion was an epidural during childbirth and I was very very grateful to have that pain taken away. You may be paid less than your DH, but your chosen job makes an enormous positive impact on the world as well as the impact it has on your family finances.
Your husband is being beyond unreasonable.

Your husband sounds just awful tbf and that needs a thread all of it's own IMO. However I do think you need to make listening to your children read and supporting them to do their homework a priority. I wouldn't have had a third child if it was going to make me struggle to support the ones I already have. Drop some clubs, reading and homework need to be prioritised.

The SAHP.

@Eucalyptusbee

I am a hospital doctor if that makes any difference. Met husband when I was studying medicine (him law)

Obviously he's in law Unfortunately that was blindingly obvious, at least from the inside. Do you know his parents well? His mother might have a very different recollection of how much of an "exceller" he was at 6. Unfortunately your husband has bought into his own hype. Fortunately you and he can turn it around. It's going to take a lot of effort though.

This is an absolutely horrendous thread.

Deeply distressing to read.

You poor woman.

You are in an emotionally and financially abusive.

This man is so awful.

Please ring Women's aid for advice.

That you are a doctor, with a husband earning 10x, with three children, one a new baby, running around doing everything, with out even a cleaner is just unbelievable.

I would strongly suggest you organise some therapy with a top class psychologist, get a really good lawyer (quietly assembling as many financial documents that you can) and look at getting away from this truly awful man.

He's playing bloody tennis with a 3 day old baby?

Are you having a laugh?

OP, you are so abused and ground down that you cannot see what people here are seeing.

I feel so sorry for you, barely over a birth.

Your childs academic achievement is really the least of your concern.

You are married to a complete bully.

You should have a cleaner.
You should be have someone coming to your home for afternoon help/aupair so that the baby can sleep when you do a few club runs.

He clearly thinks he has absolutely no responsibility for anything bar his job.

He is absolutely disgusting.

A shit father and a shit husband.

Reach out for support please.

I would leave to be honest. Your kids don't need to live with his toxicity and neither do you. They don't need to go to fancy prep schools or have exotic holidays. You could surely raise them to a decent standard on your own wage if you divorced him.

whilst his massive salary is invested in his own name

This doesn’t make sense from a tax perspective, if your respective earnings are what I imagine then it’s much more sensible for the savings to be in your name as you’ll pay less tax on any interest. Other (non cash) investments should be split fairly evenly to allow you to maximise ISA and pension allowances.

The fact he is putting everything in his own name even though it is not financially the best option, is very worrying.

As is the fact that he earns a shit tonne, mortgage is paid, kids in private school and yet you don’t have a cleaner.

He is really not sounding like a nice man OP. I’m sorry.

I think you need to find out more about the money and where it is. Just in case you need that information down the line.

I agree with Billy1966. This is a distressing read. He has made out like a bandit here - wife who has a prestigious job, does all the childcare and housework, pays for everything except mortgage (oh you don't have one), holidays (so fucking what) and savings (oh you don't have those either - he does). Honestly OP take Billy's advice and get some therapy so you can sort out what you want out of life, grieve for the loss of your family. You sound like such a lovely woman. He should be bloody grateful for the easy gig he has.

I've posted earlier about him thinking of his children as products and you the product manager who is failing at quality control. Your marriage sounds awful tbh but he is going to ruin his children if he is allowed to continue like this. That comment about not standing mediocrity is chilling. Most children struggle a bit or are average enough. Two oxford grads don't guarantee an above average child. That's now why you have children anyway. I have a friend who is a family therapist who says she has had several families where teenagers have severe MH issues/self-harming and the dad is shouting at them in sessions about getting into Harvard. I found it hard to believe but I can see your husband like this eventually.

Please prioritise yourself from now on. What's the worst that could happen?

@Woofwoofbarkbark

Just seen your update.... your child is tired. There's too much going on. A new baby and constant after school clubs. 2 clubs at most. Rest of the nights is down time with mum and baby.

this

He could give a shit about these children.

This is about how they reflect on him, whilst having nothing to do with them.

Gym/tennis 3 days after a third child is who this man is.

Scum.

Reach out to work for help and support.
Your hospital HR should have supports.
Colleagues should have the names of excellent psychological supports and shit hot lawyers.

Scum like your husband may require a forensic accountant.

Expensive, but the best money you will spend because of how effective they are in ferreting out monies squirrelled away by financially abusive scum.

Spend well, save twice.

OP, we are here for you.
Keep posting, if you like, we wish you the best.

Please please don't let this be real. He doesn't accept mediocrity? Does he understand kids at all?

Firstly and loudly - your child is doing really well. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your child has loved through covid and lockdown and is only 6. Only 6. They are doing everything they should. There are no concerns. So fabulous.

Your husband needs to sort his attitude. Otherwise he is going to be sorely disappointed in life. Learn to praise the kids achievements. Don't be disappointed by what they haven't done. You are all adjusting to baby 3 - and it has a big impact on the family.

Finally you are not a SAHP (I am so no disrespect to SAHP) -- you are on maternity leave. There is a good reason women have maternity leave to recover from the birth. You are not super woman. Don't try to be. Doing your best is OK. And if your best is just getting up, getting the kids out the door, dossing with baby, getting kids home from school. Then that's ok. Maybe H can change his routine to come home, get kids fed and to bed to give you a break. Rather than heading to the gym all the time.

Thanks everyone sorry no updates for q while- it's busy from 3pm ish onwards as you can imagine!

In answer to some questions yes I've just CCT'd (finally!) Hence the relocation . Not feeling confident about that either but that's a whole seperate issue!!

There's no cultural pressure at all- I don't really have much family and I'm English Christian as is he.

I genuinely don't think there's any ulterior motive to his actions, although I appreciate this must sound very naieve to you all

I also guess It never occurred to me I could leave / I haven't allowed that thought to form

mainly I think because of fear - I don't like how it might affect the children/ am scared of being alone/ a divorcee/ isolated. Plus it wasn't always like this and I still remeber the generous loving person I married.

Not really sure where this is headed but he's not home and hasn't replied to my message earlier asking him if he'd be back to say night to the kids

On the plus side the timings with the baby being settled and after school clubs / bedtime worked out well today and my lovely little daughter and I did some reading with lots of praise and cuddles .

she also got a "well done" sticker at school for her handwriting to generally was feeling pumped up and happy tonight:-)

Why is he not home OP - as far as I can tell from your posts on here other than a few comments last night nothing else was said.

Because if he isnt replying he is punishing you and wanting you to come in line.

Please do think about leaving if you cannot get him to see how damaging this is

Not sure why he's not back yet- usually in by 7 or 8 and wouldn't play tennis / stay at gym this late

You're right we haven't actually talked about it yet. Just the whatsapps about medoricacy from yesterday