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Original poster

How should finances be split (different incomes)?

192 replies

Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 04:54

Hi!
How much do you think each person should contribute towards rent and bills?

Considering person A decided finances would only be shared to cover bills and put the disposable income will be kept in each person's personal savings and not into the joint account.

Total bills including rent, bills, food : 1600 gbp

Person 1 works full-time: 1600 gbp monthly income after tax deduction and pension

Person 2, pregnant so will be a sahm for the foreseeable future: takes home 720 pounds after deductions

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 23:38

And if I do decide this is not for me, then how do I tell him I want to divorce?

OP posts:
Ivyonafence · 02/03/2022 23:41

Do you have access to a counsellor OP? You've got a lot on your shoulders.

fallfallfall · 02/03/2022 23:42

you're baby will grow up to be emotionally mentally and physically healthy AWAY from this man.
what your baby will learn from him is beyond sad, you're baby will learn it's okay to deprive people of security, it's okay to think that you're mom and babies are worthless,
he will grow up with a warped view on right and wrong.
would you want your daughter to go through this when she is 20 or would you want your son to be aggressive to his wife?
leave this asshole and teach your children about love and what is right and wrong.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 23:43

I hadn't thought of that. I will look into it.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 23:44

@fallfallfall

you're baby will grow up to be emotionally mentally and physically healthy AWAY from this man. what your baby will learn from him is beyond sad, you're baby will learn it's okay to deprive people of security, it's okay to think that you're mom and babies are worthless, he will grow up with a warped view on right and wrong. would you want your daughter to go through this when she is 20 or would you want your son to be aggressive to his wife? leave this asshole and teach your children about love and what is right and wrong.
Thank you. You are right. I want to do what is right for the baby more than anything.
OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 02/03/2022 23:50

He says he wants to be the main provider but give "pocket money" when I ask instead but save the rest for himself.

That's exactly what my (20 years older than me) ex said. And then he thought I shouldn't have a phone, and that he should lock me in the house when he left to go to work.

You are not embarking on some vanity project, what you are doing is for both of you. He should be contributing equally to costs of baby equipment. And you should not be suffering financially. Talk it over. If you can't come to an agreement - and from your latest posts I'd be amazed if this man is even capable of seeing you as a fellow human being let alone a partner - consider moving back in with your parents, as long as they are not also controlling dickheads.

fallfallfall · 03/03/2022 00:34

what were you taking at uni? will you be able to get back into that?
i learned a lot about personal finances by meeting up with my bank advisors annually and going over what little i had. it grew and i learned more and more.

the first time i went in i cried because i was so flustered i could barely answer any questions about simple things like how my pay was calculated/deductions etc.
you can do this and raise a wonderful little person without someone who steals from you.

timeisnotaline · 03/03/2022 01:04

There is no way divorce is overreacting. You get absolutely nothing from this man- his life continues subsidised by you while you burn yourself out working and looking after baby but get barely a penny to yourself. He’s hugely abusive and has made it clear in previous discussions about separating that he doesn’t care about you. Stop letting him influence your self judgement- you are worth so much more and nothing you have thought is unreasonable. See a lawyer, and since you’re married, you’ve subsidised him for years, and you will obviously be bringing up and providing for baby solo so make sure the financial split you go for recognises this. Don’t let him bully you into less than you’re worth and he owes. Wishing you freedom and a new life with your baby op.

negomi90 · 03/03/2022 01:04

Before you tell him you're leaving, get copies of his bank statements and info on his savings.
You're married you will get some of those savings in the divorce. A lot of it came from you anyway, in the years you've been financially abused and not able to afford snacks. You need that money to support you and your child in the future.
You will also need to claim CMS as soon as the baby is born.
You will probably be better off financially, with divorce money, CMS and benefits until you are ready to go back to work post baby.

aloris · 03/03/2022 04:37

Charge him for childcare, then the math will work again. Otherwise, you are doing his half of the childcare for free, and he's sponging off of your childcare work. Also, charge him for housework that you do for him during the regular workday. Such work saves him from having to do it himself and allows him to maximise his paid job, at your expense. Such work on your part is a benefit for him and creates an opportunity-cost for you.

Any childcare that occurs after the regular workday should be shared equally between you. Working mothers care for their children at home after work. So should working fathers.

Don't be afraid to keep a written tally. I wish I had. Dads don't perceive how much work women do after their day job. I think they literally cannot see it. You have to keep a record or, whoosh, it won't exist.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 03/03/2022 05:54

Thank you everyone for all your amazing advice.

I'll start looking for a new place to move to asap, hopefully this month but probably the next.

I told him I would start looking for a place soon, he huffed and puffed, asked if I had made up my mind already, he has a problem he's planning on going to therapy for and he told me that there would be no point in him going to therapy or trying to fix the problem anymore, implying if I leave he will always live with it, which I found a bit manipulative, and that now I won't be there to see him through it. It did make me feel bad but not quite as bad as it would have in the past.
He tried to ridicule me saying that my decision was made was only because he wants to keep his money. (Suddenly not ours anymore)
He then went to sleep a couple of minutes later.

It's been a rather tough pregnancy, I also feel like a massive failure for this failed marriage and for bringing my baby into an unstable situation, and I think I might be falling into a state of depression so I will try and book an appointment with a therapist!

Anyhow, that's what it is at.

Thank you again for all your help and support.
I really appreciate it all.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 03/03/2022 06:49

He could so easily keep you op, any time he says anything like that you can shrug and say I’m sorry that’s the choice you’re making. Most men would choose to support their wife and child instead of making them penniless, but it’s a free country.
Hint: he’s not ‘a bit’ manipulative. He’s enormously manipulative and abusive. Make sure you get the savings and more back! See what financial documents you can get before leaving- document what he has of your money, his salary if you can.

Woollystockings · 03/03/2022 07:28

He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about his soon-to-be-born child. He has no intent, even now, of providing for you or his child, or even paying his bills, even on an equal footing. No doubt he thinks if you leave, he’ll have even more money for himself. He has no idea that he will be much worse off. You must, however, get access to his bank accounts and savings to see how much he has stashed away.

anothermamaa · 03/03/2022 08:01

OP you'll have quick access to mental health services because you're pregnant. I would utilise that.

You're making the best possible decision for you and your baby. Could you go to stay with your mum while you look for a place. He'll likely try to manipulate you into staying if you're going to be in his vicinity within the next couple of months. We're here for you OP. Keep strong and keep using this space

Hadalifeonce · 03/03/2022 08:21

All of our money goes into the joint account, we have a fixed amount going into each of our personal accounts. Every single expense for the home/family/children comes from the joint account, no idea what DH does with his, but I buy coffees, lunches, haircuts etc. with mine.

Hadalifeonce · 03/03/2022 08:22

Oops, sorry missed some pages

Scottishgirl85 · 03/03/2022 08:31

This is crazy. You're married. All money into the family pot!

Scottishgirl85 · 03/03/2022 09:59

Ah sorry just noticed your update. Good for you. This man is not a good husband and will not be a good dad.
Does he realise you'll get 50% of everything upon divorce, and he'll have to pay child maintenance? Flowers

billy1966 · 03/03/2022 10:25

Good decision.

Tell your health team that he is abusive and you need support.

Call Womens aid for support.

Take any copies of financial information pay slips, deeds, investments, any paperwork.

This is not a good man.

He is controlling and financially abusive.

You would never have a good life with him.

He wants you stuck, penniless and begging.

He is scum.

Be clear with friends, family, anyone you know.

You have been forced to leave because he is abusive.

Do not protect his name.
Flowers

Original poster
Howtosplit · 03/03/2022 13:11

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
spacehardware · 03/03/2022 13:13

"It's been a rather tough pregnancy, I also feel like a massive failure for this failed marriage and for bringing my baby into an unstable situation"

It would be a far worse failure to continue to live like this, because you didn't want to face the reality. You're doing the right thing

Original poster
Howtosplit · 03/03/2022 13:20

@spacehardware

"It's been a rather tough pregnancy, I also feel like a massive failure for this failed marriage and for bringing my baby into an unstable situation"

It would be a far worse failure to continue to live like this, because you didn't want to face the reality. You're doing the right thing

Thank you, it's very reassuring xx I just came across another post, posted earlier today, about this woman complaining that her boyfriend wasn't earning quite as much as her and how he wanted to keep disposable money and how it was unfair on her because it meant she would have to contribute more and everyone told her to ltb. Now I'm wondering if I'm not in the wrong in this situation.
OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 03/03/2022 13:57
  1. Women take a financial hit by being pregnant and caring for children. Their partners are supposed to help compensate for that financially.
  1. If you read threads closely, they often aren’t telling women to leave because the partner wants to have disposable income, but because the partner has poor money management skills or is trying to hide money in a self owned business.
Original poster
Howtosplit · 03/03/2022 14:01

@Blossom64265

1. Women take a financial hit by being pregnant and caring for children. Their partners are supposed to help compensate for that financially.
  1. If you read threads closely, they often aren’t telling women to leave because the partner wants to have disposable income, but because the partner has poor money management skills or is trying to hide money in a self owned business.
You're absolutely right, thank you
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/03/2022 14:02

@Howtosplit that is different though but actually you are right some points are the same

There the OP doesnt have sight of what he earns (neither do you), struggles each month to make payments on stuff (as do you) and actually has less disposable income that her partner (as do you) so similar accept you are her not the partner.