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Original poster

How should finances be split (different incomes)?

192 replies

Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 04:54

Hi!
How much do you think each person should contribute towards rent and bills?

Considering person A decided finances would only be shared to cover bills and put the disposable income will be kept in each person's personal savings and not into the joint account.

Total bills including rent, bills, food : 1600 gbp

Person 1 works full-time: 1600 gbp monthly income after tax deduction and pension

Person 2, pregnant so will be a sahm for the foreseeable future: takes home 720 pounds after deductions

Thank you

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 02/03/2022 17:32

@GlitteryGreen

I am surprised at people advising that all money should be pooled and shared in a situation where OP has been quite clear that her DH is controlling with money?

She would be far better off agreeing with him to pay bills proportionally by earning and keeping the rest of her money to herself. If they pool all money OP will never end up seeing any of it unless she asks him for some.

I agree, was thinking the same..
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:33

No you're right, I don't have access to his accounts but I know he's got savings in an investment account, he's also got a credit card, a main account and a side hustle account where he earns a couple hundred extra on average a month from his side business.
I took his word for it about his earnings. Thats how much he tells me he receives.

He says all his spare money goes into a saving account that is for us but then he says what he said previously so I dont know what to believe.

I will talk to my family about it and see if I can get any support.

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 02/03/2022 17:33

In this sort of arrangement, working parent should pay half of lost income to SAHP before the split is even discussed. This includes pension contributions.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:37

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

Do not become a SAHM - you will need your financial independence.
He seems not to know what he wants either. A few days ago he confirmed he wanted me to be a sahm and him to provide and today he asked me if I was going to get back to work next month when the baby is due ...
OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 02/03/2022 17:37

OP I would keep your own bank acccount, have your maternity pay going in there (and make sure you claim child benefit into it as soon as baby is here)

That way you are in control of your money, it sounds like you need to be

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2022 17:43

Are you renting at the moment? Why are you staying with this man is sounds awful!

Or he simply not facing up to what parenting involves - which needs you to communicate about everything otherwise I can predict you will do EVERYTHING - parenting/cleaning/working and he will just work and keep his money

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:47

You're right. He offered a plan to me but it suggests I will have less than 1/4 disposable money than what he will have.
He also underestimates how much a baby's needs cost

OP posts:
MsFogi · 02/03/2022 17:48

@Blossom64265

In this sort of arrangement, working parent should pay half of lost income to SAHP before the split is even discussed. This includes pension contributions.
This!!! If you are being the SAHP and he wants to keep what is 'his'/give pocket money, he is going to need to provide for the services you are providing - childcare, housekeeping, PA work etc. But, that aside, this is nuts OP - you are having a baby together - there will be loads of incidental costs and a huge cost to your earning power. Household finances need to be pooled/you need to have equal control. If you DH doesn't agree this tells you everything you need to know about him and his attitude to you and your relationship long term.
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:51

@Quartz2208

Are you renting at the moment? Why are you staying with this man is sounds awful!

Or he simply not facing up to what parenting involves - which needs you to communicate about everything otherwise I can predict you will do EVERYTHING - parenting/cleaning/working and he will just work and keep his money

Yes we are renting. The let is under both our names. Yes, he did say he wants me to clean, cook and be the main caretaker for the baby.

Our previous arrangement was that I would do the housekeeping and cleaning as well as work full time at home.
I would put all my earnings into the joint account.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:55

I don't know where to start. I am heavily pregnant and am so tired, I'm in bed with contractions right now. I can't imagine moving everything by myself at this stage and finding somewhere to go that I can afford. Don't have friends or family to help me so I feel stuck. Plus I don't want custody to be messy if I decided to leave.

We moved in a very expensive area because of his job, he got a considerable pay raise whereas I didn't. I was a student and working online. Quit my uni to follow him. I shouldn't have agreed to the move in the first place. I'm so stupid

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 02/03/2022 18:17

we'll just pitch in more and add 100 pounds more in tota for the baby's childcare, food and toys.

How much does he think a nanny for a newborn costs? Ask him.

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2022 18:19

Oh you poor thing - has he always expected you to do everything then and pay for everything

Are you married?

FinallyHere · 02/03/2022 18:33

So far I've been the one buying all the baby stuff.

I do hope you can agree a way forward which is fair both the the person earning tbe lionnshate on the money and to the person growing another human. Both roles should be equally valued.

Really , really hope so, because I've read so many threads on MN and it rarely ends well.

You have done well to start to wake up to the unfairness. I would encourage you to inform yourself about the way the courts would split assets, if it were to come to divorce, just do that you understand your actual legal position.

Hope it goes well for you.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 18:41

@FinallyHere

So far I've been the one buying all the baby stuff.

I do hope you can agree a way forward which is fair both the the person earning tbe lionnshate on the money and to the person growing another human. Both roles should be equally valued.

Really , really hope so, because I've read so many threads on MN and it rarely ends well.

You have done well to start to wake up to the unfairness. I would encourage you to inform yourself about the way the courts would split assets, if it were to come to divorce, just do that you understand your actual legal position.

Hope it goes well for you.

I asked him today and he refused.

I told him that otherwise I would never have enough to save up and he said "ah i get you" but still refused.

I think he doesn't trust me. But I have never ever been extravagant with my spending.
For more than a year I actually had zero spending money because I put all my earnings into the joint and all I would get with the joint was food for the house.
I had to negotiate with him to buy my snacks with the joint too, as he thought it should come out of my personal account but I had no money there at all.

I'm quite upset and thinking about separating or divorcing. I don't know if it would be an overreaction though.
I don't know the ins and outs of custody though.

We did consider divorce in the past and when I asked him what he wanted to do for the baby, he said that he wanted to stay with me, but that if I didn't want that then he's fine because he knows "the baby will be in good hands" with me.

So I'm confused as to what he wants and what would be the best way going forward

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 18:41

@KatharinaRosalie

we'll just pitch in more and add 100 pounds more in tota for the baby's childcare, food and toys.

How much does he think a nanny for a newborn costs? Ask him.

He says he doesn't want a nanny
OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 18:42

@Quartz2208

Oh you poor thing - has he always expected you to do everything then and pay for everything

Are you married?

Yes we are
OP posts:
Liverbird77 · 02/03/2022 18:46

I am a sahm. My husband is a high earner. Everything goes into a joint account which we both have free access to.
We have the same attitude towards money, which helps a lot.
We discuss and agree on investments and stuff like that.
Mortgage in both names, joint tenants.
In my opinion, this is how marriage works. Everything is shared. Anything I get also goes into the joint pot.

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2022 18:49

Oh you poor thing. Do you have anyone to talk to in real life. Because honestly it sounds as if he is very controlling and potentially abusive - certainly financially if you had to ask him for money to buy snacks.

Because reading this you have always put everything in the joint and him hardly anything.

I would get some legal advice and potentially womens aid

Why did you nearly

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2022 18:54

He says that the savings will be untouched anyways, and that he just wants them to be in his account so that he can keep track on them.* I told him we had a joint saving account too but he still refuses. He thinks it's not wise.*

Well I hope you asked him to expand on that - exactly what did he say wasn't wise about using the joint saving account?

But he disagrees and says not all money should be our money.

Unless it's yours. Then he thinks it should be shared.

I don't get him

He's a cunt, financially controlling / abusive and sounds like a bully.

Our previous arrangement was that I would do the housekeeping and cleaning as well as work full time at home.

Why? Why was it arranged that you would do all housework, cleaning and work full time rather than sharing the housework and cleaning? Is it just because you have a vagina so he thinks it's your job but beneath him?

He sounds like a controlling, sexist pig. I would be getting back to work as soon as I could in order to rebuild some financial independence and be planning to leave him because he doesn't see you as an equal or partner, just an incubator and free childcare provider.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/03/2022 18:54

He says he doesn't want a nanny - so how exactly are you supposed to go back to work straight after giving birth?

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 18:58

I havemy family I can talk to on the phone.
It pisses me off because he stills insists that the money he is going to keep is also my money and just yelled at me "what's wrong with you?" And "why is money such an issue with you, man?"

I feel like crying. Am I in the wrong? Money is an issue to me because he made it an issue, plus he never had to worry about money much in this relationship, I did.
He's turning it all against me.

We nearly divorced because of various issues and how unfair I felt he was being to me (not financial things)

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2022 18:59

He wants you to go back to work the same month you have a baby, with a budget of £100 or so a month for childcare?

I'm presuming that he isn't a complete idiot and realises that isn't possible.

Therefore he is a controlling bully with no intention of enabling you to get back to work and every intention of weaponising your position as a SAHM to imply he is doing you a favour paying the bills... despite not working with you to make it possible for you to work.

What a grade A cunt.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2022 19:01

@Howtosplit

I havemy family I can talk to on the phone. It pisses me off because he stills insists that the money he is going to keep is also my money and just yelled at me "what's wrong with you?" And "why is money such an issue with you, man?"

I feel like crying. Am I in the wrong? Money is an issue to me because he made it an issue, plus he never had to worry about money much in this relationship, I did.
He's turning it all against me.

We nearly divorced because of various issues and how unfair I felt he was being to me (not financial things)

It sounds like there's a long history of this relationship being unhealthy, unhappy and full of him making you feel like shit. You don't have to spend the rest of your life like this.

Oh and if you're married, the starting point for negotiations in divorce is 50:50 when it comes to assets. Of course it doesn't always end up being a 50:50 split but if he thinks he can keep everything he's saved and leave you with nothing then I believe he's wrong.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 19:05

@KatharinaRosalie

He says he doesn't want a nanny - so how exactly are you supposed to go back to work straight after giving birth?
Work from home basically
OP posts:
sosickofthisshit · 02/03/2022 19:06

You should have carried on with the divorce. This man does not love or respect you, or see you as an equal. You're there to facilitate him building up massive amounts of savings, while you live in poverty. Stop paying anything into the joint account, keep whatever you earn in your own account, save up enough to get an appointment with a shit hot lawyer and divorce this misogynistic, abusive cunt.