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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should finances be split (different incomes)?

192 replies

Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 04:54

Hi!
How much do you think each person should contribute towards rent and bills?

Considering person A decided finances would only be shared to cover bills and put the disposable income will be kept in each person's personal savings and not into the joint account.

Total bills including rent, bills, food : 1600 gbp

Person 1 works full-time: 1600 gbp monthly income after tax deduction and pension

Person 2, pregnant so will be a sahm for the foreseeable future: takes home 720 pounds after deductions

Thank you

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 02/03/2022 13:28

How about you take all the cash and give him pocket money? If he does not like that, ask him to explain why you should

DillonPanthersTexas · 02/03/2022 13:31

Usually the formula on here is that if you are the lower earner then all costs should be split proportionally to income. If you earn more then your partner then everything should be split 50:50 as any less means you are facilitating a cocklodger.

anon2022anon · 02/03/2022 13:33

@Howtosplit it's a shame you've decided to stay again- after your post last week it looked like you were going to look for support from your family.
You are about to have a baby. Stand up for their rights of you can't stand up for your own. He is taking advantage of you and your innocence.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2022 13:33

Total bills including rent, bills, food : 1600 gbp
Person 1 works full-time: 1600 gbp monthly
Person 2, takes home 720 pounds*

When you become a SAMP he's going to have to pay for everything and neither of you will have anything left. Is that right?

Short term you earn just under half so I'd split it to thirds rounded up. So you pay £500 and him 1100. You get 220 and he gets 500 BUT I'd expect him to then get take aways, extra bits for the house, at LEAST half for the baby stuff

ZenNudist · 02/03/2022 13:35

Make plans to leave this financially abusive arsehole?

Definitely don't take a long mat leave. You need your own income.

Orangesandlemons77 · 02/03/2022 14:17

Hi OP we've had similar amounts coming in / going out and what we did was DH paid the major bills apart from food and I contributed to the food shopping, oh also and children's school meals etc. This seems to work out OK.

OhMygodddd · 02/03/2022 14:20

All money in the family pot with £150 each in personals to spend on what you want.

ugifletzet · 02/03/2022 14:21

@Grimsknee

He says he wants to be the main provider but give "pocket money" when I ask instead but save the rest for himself.

OP that actually meets one of the criteria for financial abuse - limiting your access to money.
Lots of your language ("he decided", "he doesn't want that") suggests a certain level of control and that you don't feel like an equal.

This. It's quite degrading to talk about giving a grown woman "pocket money", especially when you're actually contributing more to the household and baby than he is.
tealandteal · 02/03/2022 14:43

His proposed plan sounds very unfair. How would he feel if it was the other way around?
We get paid in to the joint account and all bills and expenses are paid from there. Money is transferred to a joint savings account and we each transfer the same amount to our own personal account to spend/save as we wish.

romany4 · 02/03/2022 14:54

How about you take all the cash and give him pocket money? If he does not like that, ask him to explain why you should

This!!

Orangesandlemons77 · 02/03/2022 15:41

@romany4

How about you take all the cash and give him pocket money? If he does not like that, ask him to explain why you should

This!!

Yes.

The OP could just keep her pay into her own bank account- oh and also make sure you are getting child benefit too- and use this for e.g. food and the baby stuff.

Having the CB paid in is important as means she will get NI conts towards the state pension

Orangesandlemons77 · 02/03/2022 15:42

I would also check your benefits OP as you might be entitled to some universal credit as well

Fernandina · 02/03/2022 15:46

He got you pregnant, therefore he is equally responsible for all baby costs, and the fact that your income is reduced accordingly.

You're married. That is an equal partnership. The only fair way is that all income goes into one pot, all bills are paid out of it, including whatever is needed for the baby, and what's left over is shared equally. You're supposed to be a team.

Person A does not get to dictate the shots here.

cptartapp · 02/03/2022 15:51

Percentage wise dependent on income. Into a joint pot for all bills including childcare and holidays. Set up by direct debit.
The remainder of any monies for each person to spend or save as they wish.
We have separate monies because DH would freely spend £90 on a shirt and I wouldn't dream of it. I didn't sign up for that. He can do what he wants with money from his own account and it doesn't affect me. Nothing to discuss, nothing to negotiate.

MayBeeMee · 02/03/2022 15:53

Different incomes here to but all money paid into the joint account and then we each get transferred into personal account the same amount each month for personal spend. We have done this from the beginning, we have never had any arguments about money, we share what we have. I think it is very damaging to a relationship to have this stress between you.

^^This. Even during the period that his take home pay was 10x mine. Please keep posting here for support OP, as I’m worried that you are in an abusive relationship, and are vulnerable as you’re pregnant.
Remind him that if you divorced him, you and the baby would be entitled to the lion’s share of everything. Might make him think.

GlitteryGreen · 02/03/2022 16:37

I am surprised at people advising that all money should be pooled and shared in a situation where OP has been quite clear that her DH is controlling with money?

She would be far better off agreeing with him to pay bills proportionally by earning and keeping the rest of her money to herself. If they pool all money OP will never end up seeing any of it unless she asks him for some.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:12

Thank you so much to everyone for your help and insight.

I just had a conversation with him and he refuses to join our money and our savings in the joint account.
He says that the savings will be untouched anyways, and that he just wants them to be in his account so that he can keep track on them.
I told him we had a joint saving account too but he still refuses. He thinks it's not wise.
I told him about my concern of barely pocketing anyting in that case but he didn't take it into account.
I told him that as a family, it should be our money, not just his and mine. And that for this maternity period the biggest part of my contribution would be childcare on top of that amount I'm getting.
But he disagrees and says not all money should be our money.

I think he doesn't trust me and thinks I'm going to use the joint savings?
I dont know, dont understand his motivation and dont know what to do now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:17

He also asked me i I was going to go back to work next month (the month the baby is born).

I don't get him

OP posts:
WouldIwasShookspeared · 02/03/2022 17:22

I think it's important that you go back to work, build up your own savings and don't hand him control of your money

Howshouldibehave · 02/03/2022 17:23

He sounds absolutely awful.

I would be looking to get back to work asap and leaving this man. Do not become a stay at home parent.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:24

I will definitely not be a sahm mum now. But I'm scared of this upcoming year. I don't know how I'm going to manage with a newborn baby. I think I'll look for a remote job to start asap so that I can be home

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 02/03/2022 17:24

He also asked me i I was going to go back to work next month (the month the baby is born).

Do you live in a country where it's normal to go back 2 weeks after giving birth? Why on earth would he think you would go back to work the same month?

Also, how does he propose you share childcare costs if/when you do go back?

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 17:27

@KatharinaRosalie

He also asked me i I was going to go back to work next month (the month the baby is born).

Do you live in a country where it's normal to go back 2 weeks after giving birth? Why on earth would he think you would go back to work the same month?

Also, how does he propose you share childcare costs if/when you do go back?

No, I live in the UK. His remark hurt me a bit.

He says we'll just pitch in more and add 100 pounds more in tota for the baby's childcare, food and toys. I dont think he realises how much childcare costs.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 02/03/2022 17:27

don't bother trying to get him.
i'm sorry you are finding this out so late in the game.
i suppose you have no ability to view his saving account or view how and what he does with "his" money?
meanwhile you have yourself fully exposed.
he's a lying cheat, he's protecting himself either because he spends frivolously or because he has ulterior motives.
i suggest you speak to your family this financial abuse will get worse and you will forever need a back up plan.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 02/03/2022 17:30

Do not become a SAHM - you will need your financial independence.

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