How should finances be split (different incomes)?

[Howtosplit]

Hi!
How much do you think each person should contribute towards rent and bills?

Considering person A decided finances would only be shared to cover bills and put the disposable income will be kept in each person's personal savings and not into the joint account.

Total bills including rent, bills, food : 1600 gbp

Person 1 works full-time: 1600 gbp monthly income after tax deduction and pension

Person 2, pregnant so will be a sahm for the foreseeable future: takes home 720 pounds after deductions

Thank you

He says he wants to be the main provider but give "pocket money" when I ask instead but save the rest for himself.

I'm afraid you've married an arsehole. He wants you dependent and poor while he has savings and freedom.

Here it's same 'disposable' money after bills, pensions (plural) and savings. We've differed in terms of income over the years but that's never changed.

I see it as 2 main options. Either you're a team, all money is family money and you work out a budget together. Or you're seperate financial entities, in which case he needs to pay you 50% of all the childcare hours you do while he's at work, and he needs to do 50% of all the childcare outside of work, 50% of all the housework, and 50% of all the cooking.

Option 1 doesn't mean you can't save for a mortgage, it just means it's done together. For example;

A 1600 in
B 720 in
So 2320 in total

If all bills are 1320, 1000 left, 500 into joint savings, and 250 personal spends each.

Option 2, average nursery cost is £263 per week ( www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/becoming-a-parent/childcare-costs ) so about 1140 a month.

A 1600 in
B 720 in
So 2320 in total

A pays B 570 a month and does half of EVERYTHING else
A has 1030
B has 1290
You both pay 50% of the 1320
A has 370 left
B has 630 left
250 each into mortgage savings
A has 120 left
B has 380 left

Working as a team definitely works out better for A

So you know this is financial abuse. Controlling and assigning you pin money.
Hopefully you can sit and demonstrate how maternity/baby has increased your outgoings (nappies, clothing, transport, vitamin pills whatever) then you take note of what’s “leftover”.
MAYBE he’ll concede since he earns twice what you do that his portion of the leftover be twice yours. So him £100 to you £50.
BUT I speculate once you itemize every every stamp and bus fare the reality is your family is too close to the bread line.
He’s disappointed and your struggling cuz outgoings are too high.

We are married and family income is just that. All in one pot, pay everything and what’s left gets split into some social money/holidays and then we save a small amount that’s left. Some months I spend next to nothing on social things, and others a I might spend a few hundred. DH definitely spends more than me socially due to footy matches, but we don’t add up who’s spent what, we just make sure there’s enough to do things and save a bit. If not, social things would have to be off until we could.

WTAF, there are so many red flags here hon, I think you need to speak with someone. I'd this is his behaviour now I dread to think what he'll be like after you're vulnerable from giving birth. He's trying to control you through finances, it will get worse, you will eventually have to leave. Xxx

So we have a hybrid system. I am A

A earns £6,000 after tax and pension
B earns £4,500

We each put the same proportion into the joint account

A £2,500
B £1,750

Any other expenses are split along the same lines. I suspect it works because nobody is left on the breadline and we have enough to save.

Everything should be shared.

Everything goes into one pot…. Everything comes out of the same pot. Anything left is just used on whatever is needed, clothes , going out etc. I probably spend more to be fair, but it’s not an issue. Some months he plays tons of golf so it balances itself out pretty fairly.

Think to the future, nursery bills, after school club etc. what will you do?
If his wage is same as the outgoings how will you eat / pay for extra etc.

@Iwab82

Everything should be shared.

I agree with this.

I've never understood married couples who don't pull all finances. DH and I earned roughly the same when we met and married. Both salaries were paid directly into a joint account and all outgoings come from said account. Whatever's left is 'our' money. We decide jointly how much to save (in a joint savings account for 'our' future). We discuss any large purchases before proceeding but ultimately, all money is family money.

We now have 2 children (or we will as of next week) and I have just taken the decision (after discussing it with my husband) to become a SAHM for the next few years). Although I'll be contributing nothing to the pot financially during this period our set up will not change.

I would never accept 'pocket money'. You shouldn't have to ask for handouts to live. Do not allow anyone to have this level of control over you. It's very concerning that he's even suggested it. Says a lot about his way of thinking.

@Howtosplit

I don't want to pass for a gold digger. I genuinely just want to be able to provide for the baby without having to ask him everytime.

You're married. You're having a baby. There is no way that you are or could be a hold digger. The only fair way is to treat all money as family money.

I hate to break it to you, but your husband is showing all the signs of being financially abusive. If he won't care about you now, when you are at your most vulnerable, then this is a real cause for concern.

@SNUG2022

Imagine thinking its OK to just take someone's salary off them. Someone you love. How come he gets to decide?

My daughter's ex did exactly that. They weren't even married when it started. We were astounded when we found out years later and of course he was abusive in other ways. That's why this thread is so worrying.

I too think he’s a controlling arsehole. If you’re leaving him much better to do it before baby is born, and if he thinks you should be penniless for earning less and soon for having your joint child, then you should definitely leave him. His suggestion of your money is joint and his is his and he pays you some pocket money from YOUR money is 100% abusive. Baby’s costs are shared costs, you should be supported for staying home to care for a newborn, or you leave. Since baby isn’t born, I’d consider suggesting that if it’s how it is you’ll just go back to work and move out and leave him to work out how to look after a baby and work without spending many thousands of pounds on childcare. (Obviously you’d never leave him without taking the baby, but far better to be set up somewhere else and get ready for baby there)

We do it so we each put a proportion of our wages (based on the proportion of how much we earn) into the joint account for bills each month then whatever is kept we keep ourselves. We don't do it so we have equal money left at the end of each month.

Reading your replies agree it sounds controlling. I would say stand your ground re having your own money. See how he reacts and that will tell you if he is controlling. Unless you are fearful to have the conversation then you already have your answer.

Pocket money! F that!
My husband and I worked out our monthly bills, and we have £800 left over each month. This is split equally.
Our salary is paid into our own accounts and we transfer everything bar the spare money we can keep (£400 each) into a joint current a/c. We also have a savings a/c which is accessible by both and we can transfer money from that as needed into the joint current a/c.
I went part time as we have a child together and would never agree to his terms, very derogatory.
You are going to have to be firm on this, it's all about power and you need to be equal.

Every penny in our house is shared. We have hugely different incomes. We have a joint credit card which all spend is on and personal bank accounts. When one runs out of money the other transfers funds.

Honestly, it sounds like financial abuse to me.

Everything into 1 pot, once the bills etc are paid the remainder is split 50/50.

Pocket money? are you 12??? Just no!

In fact if you can't get him to acknowledge that what he is proposing is wrong, and get a new arrangement that doesn't screw you over, I'd give some serious thought as to whether you can live your whole life like this. It won't get better after the baby is here.

Honestly you're better off being self sufficient. Why plan to be a SAHM and have to rely on someone else to support you financially? If you split up who would support you financially then?

Pocket money!!!
He wanted to give you pocket money out of your earnings.🙄

You'd be a fool to stay with this peach of a man.

You're giving up your wage to be a sahm to look after his child which then allows him to continue in his career and allows him to earn and for this privilege you get to pay half the bills, all child related costs and he's going to give you pocket money!

It's supposed to be a partnership, he works and your job is child rearing, all money should be shared.

This is why I think sahm are a bad idea, you leave yourself vulnerable to financial abuse, we read stories like yours all the time on MN.
I know childcare is unaffordable for a lot of people so I understand why women become sahm but it only works if everything is shared.

I think you'd be better off on your own, claim tax credits or whatever until you get free child care hours then can return to work part-time and he can pay child support.

Your DH does not respect you or your contribution to raising your soon to be DC, he thinks the money he earns is his alone.

Protect yourself op, this is not a good man, any type of abuse is not OK and this is financial abuse

@Howtosplit

I dont know if marrital situation changes anything but married

Well it would make a difference to me. Our money goes in 1 account and everything comes out of there. We both have a debit card. Who contributes what is irrelevant. All the money belongs to us both, we are a family🤷‍♀️

Just have a joint account and share. Have agreement about how much can be spent without discussing. Agree a pocket money amount. I am constantly amazed at the number of people who get married, have children, rent/buy a property and yet won't share their money.

This is really awful, controlling and abusive. A lot of men don't value the unpaid contributions of caring for children and the home, but this is worse. He wanted to take ALL your salary off you but keep his own. Terrible!

Shockingly you might actually be better off divorced as you'd get benefits and child maintenance plus likely more than 50% of his precious savings. Have you said that to him?

Costs associated with children should be considered a "household bill" for a start and paid from joint account. Likewise food, holidays and other family costs.

In our household we always paid a sum into the joint account proportionate to salary. The rest was our personal money to save or spend. (Worked for us as we have both Airways been FT in professional careers so not much disparity.) That latter element only works though if you have similar earning power otherwise a high earner will have oodles for themself and the low earner/sahp will have nothing or just child benefit and whatever "pocket money" (vom) the big swinging dick deigns to give them.

The ideal is often seen as everything joint and jointly accessible. That would not have worked for us as we have rather different spending/ saving habits! But couples do need to work out what is fair and equitable or it is abusive.

In your position I'd be inclining towards divorce if he doesn't share fairly. Otherwise, go back to work full time or you could spend the rest of your life like this. (Nursery fees are a household expense by the way!)

It should be fair and each person should feel happy with the arrangement. What that arrangement is will vary from couple to couple

I've been married 24 years now and we just share it. It's just nice and easy that way. But that only works if you share similar views about money - spending it and saving it in particular!