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Original poster

How should finances be split (different incomes)?

192 replies

Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 04:54

Hi!
How much do you think each person should contribute towards rent and bills?

Considering person A decided finances would only be shared to cover bills and put the disposable income will be kept in each person's personal savings and not into the joint account.

Total bills including rent, bills, food : 1600 gbp

Person 1 works full-time: 1600 gbp monthly income after tax deduction and pension

Person 2, pregnant so will be a sahm for the foreseeable future: takes home 720 pounds after deductions

Thank you

OP posts:
TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 02/03/2022 19:07

I'm sorry but how on earth has your relationship progressed to living together, being married and having a child AND then decided to be a SAHM with this financial situation.

Can't even offer advice as it's beyond me how you could get in this situation.

He is financially abusive.

ShouldBeWorking23 · 02/03/2022 19:07

Once babies come along I think it should all be in the same pot. Especially if you are on mat leave or a SAHM. You are working full time to mind the kids and support his work. He couldn't be a full time worker without you. So the money is 50/50.
That's what we did when kids small. Now we are older there's a little more money floating around so it might change again, we might put seperate amounts in pensions etc. But those early days with kids when money is tight? Has to be 50/50 and everything out in the open.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/03/2022 19:12

Work from home basically - so you will be taking care of a baby , doing all housework and working full time at the same time to pay your own and baby's costs? That's his plan? While he just works and keeps the money?

Blossom64265 · 02/03/2022 19:15

It is not possible to work without child care.

Wfh means you either have a nanny or you leave in the morning and drop your child off with your child care provider and then go back home.

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 19:20

@KatharinaRosalie

Work from home basically - so you will be taking care of a baby , doing all housework and working full time at the same time to pay your own and baby's costs? That's his plan? While he just works and keeps the money?
Yes, he said it was "beautiful". I'm beyond digusted
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/03/2022 19:25

You are right he is incredibly unfair and abusive and if you have somewhere to go I would go now

spacehardware · 02/03/2022 19:30

You'll spend the next decade of your life barefoot and pregnant if you stay with this man OP

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2022 19:35

Financially abusive men are not just financially abusive and are often abusive towards their target in other ways. I am not surprised divorce has been mentioned previously and I would seek legal advice ASAP re divorce.

DuesToTheDirt · 02/03/2022 19:57

I don't want to pass for a gold digger.

Gold digger? You're married, you're having his child. This is financial abuse.

And forget about working from home with a baby around, you just can't.

spacehardware · 02/03/2022 20:02

"We did consider divorce in the past and when I asked him what he wanted to do for the baby, he said that he wanted to stay with me, but that if I didn't want that then he's fine because he knows "the baby will be in good hands" with me.

So I'm confused as to what he wants"

He's told you loud and clear

He wants you to be as little inconvenience to him as possible, and to assume complete financial and practical responsibilities for yourself and the baby. He doesn't really care if you stay or go, but if you both stay in "his" house you'd better do what he wants or you'll regret it.

That's what he wants

Does that sound good to you? Is that how you want to live?

Kdubs1981 · 02/03/2022 20:12

You are being financially abused. This is a tricky time. If I was you, I would bode your time, gather information, get yourself ready to leave. He will be forced to "share" his money with you and the baby once you are divorced. He is contemptible

WhatNoReally · 02/03/2022 20:14

@Howtosplit can you recognise that he's financially abusive? His plan for your life is completely insane!

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2022 20:16

Yes, he said it was "beautiful". I'm beyond digested

Anger and disgust are the right emotions.

If you're working, paying and doing everything, divorce is easier. At least he's not there telling you to do it.

Get legal advice!

billy1966 · 02/03/2022 20:28

@Grimsknee

He says he wants to be the main provider but give "pocket money" when I ask instead but save the rest for himself.

OP that actually meets one of the criteria for financial abuse - limiting your access to money.
Lots of your language ("he decided", "he doesn't want that") suggests a certain level of control and that you don't feel like an equal.

OP, you sound so vulnerable to absolute abuse.

You should not be a sahm with such a man.

YisforWanky · 02/03/2022 20:33

Oh God, these threads drive me mad.

OP, if you are married and are a SAHM, there isn't any 'his money' and 'your money'. Or there shouldn't be. All there is/should be is 'shared/family money'. I can't begin to understand how anyone thinks anything other than this is okay. If you decided to leave him, all the money would suddenly be shared money, so you and he need to get used to this idea now, rather than waiting to get divorced to discover it.

He needs an almighty kick.

Summerhillsquare · 02/03/2022 20:47

He's done a number on you, hasn't he?

CrumpetStrumpet · 02/03/2022 21:08

You are being abused, both financially and emotionally.

Your husband is disgusting and if you stay with him then this will be your life. Please make plans to leave.

Ivyonafence · 02/03/2022 21:11

@Howtosplit

I havemy family I can talk to on the phone. It pisses me off because he stills insists that the money he is going to keep is also my money and just yelled at me "what's wrong with you?" And "why is money such an issue with you, man?"

I feel like crying. Am I in the wrong? Money is an issue to me because he made it an issue, plus he never had to worry about money much in this relationship, I did.
He's turning it all against me.

We nearly divorced because of various issues and how unfair I felt he was being to me (not financial things)

It is him that has the issue with money, not you. He is the one hoarding it.

He's spinning this back on you to distract you and put you on the defensive.

All his reasons are bullshit. Saying savings should be in his name 'so he can keep track'. My DH and I can both access our joint account on our phones any time we want. It's no harder to keep track. Also- maybe you want to keep track of your family's finances as well? Has he ever thought of that? Or does he see you as 'less' than him?

What a double standard.

Pregnancy is a vulnerable time and many men step up their abuse during it. Please take care of yourself. You are not going to solve this problem today, this month or in time for your baby's arrival, accept that (shitty as it is) take it slow. When you are ready, contact a lawyer if you can afford one just for a conversation about your rights. You're married, half is yours if you split. I think that would be the better move because at least on your own you might qualify for benefits while you're not working, you'll hopefully receive a settlement from your marriage and then be able to keep your own money once you are.

It's so sad to see so many threads like this. Something like providing and caring for your child is so so basic. Such a low bar in terms of being a decent person. Instead he'd rather sit alone on his little pile of money while his wife is stressed and overworked and his child goes without.

Ivyonafence · 02/03/2022 21:14

What the fuck do these men think money is for?

They want to be personally rich on paper while their family goes without?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 02/03/2022 21:23

He is abusive.

Why did you almost spilt up before? What issues were there? Have these been resolved?

When you were ttc, didn't you talk about how you would split money when the baby was here?? Did you research childcare costs?

He earns just over twice what you do, so he should contribute over twice what you do to your living expenses, so you have the same amount of money left over at the end of the month.

Why does he think it's your job to pay for your joint baby? Hmm

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. And I bet this isn't the only area he's abusive in.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 02/03/2022 21:24

There is absolutely no point him having 'joint savings' when you have no day to day money. If he doesn't realise that, he's thick as well as an arsehole.

Stand firm on this, op. You are right. He's wrong. And a tight, selfish bastard.

anothermamaa · 02/03/2022 21:44

Could you go and stay with / receive
support from family op?

Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 23:34

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

There is absolutely no point him having 'joint savings' when you have no day to day money. If he doesn't realise that, he's thick as well as an arsehole.

Stand firm on this, op. You are right. He's wrong. And a tight, selfish bastard.

Sadly he's set on his decision. I have to see what is in the best interest of my baby and I and put my feelings aside.
OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 23:35

@anothermamaa

Could you go and stay with / receive support from family op?
I spoke to my mum and she is willing to help me if I decide to leave, thankfully
OP posts:
Original poster
Howtosplit · 02/03/2022 23:36

So much in my mind, should I leave? What to do with the flat? What about the baby? Can I live like this?

I don't even feel sad, just lost

OP posts: