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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

developments - insecurity about dh's colleague - need to build my confidence

127 replies

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:18

I posted last week about feeling insecure about dh's colleague.

We've had some developments in that dh has caught her spraying herself with perfume the last 2 times he's given her a lift. The last time, he actually asked her not to and lied saying dd was sensitive to scents with her chest, as he didn't want to cause any upset. He's also noticed her following him around at work. And he's told me that he's starting to feel a bit awkward in the car with her because if he mentions something about dd (for example he said he was chatting about dd enjoying football as her boots had been left in the front of the car after practice), apparently she tries to immediately steer the conversation away from anything to do with us as a family. His manager has also noticed her increase in attention on him (apparently she's been talking about him alot when they've not been on shift together) and has asked him to be aware as she's done this before with another colleague

Now, to be fair to dh, he really is trying to help to build my confidence. He's been so lovely the past few days. He's been trying to pay me more attention and has been giving more compliments than he used to. I know it's early days, and it doesn't make up for the years, but, he genuinely is trying. And we're going to start trying to get out once a month or so, which I think is definitely going to help us to reconnect

I don't want to place it all on him and that it's his responsibility to help me snap out of this as that's not fair on him. I need to take the bulk of the responsibility. So, what I was wondering, was if anyone has any suggestions to help me to do this please?

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 01/03/2022 14:23

Refuse to give a lift for starters. Don’t look to others to validate your own esteem. Rely on yourself to create a positive self image and go from there……

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 14:26

Why is he still giving her lifts if she's causing problems in your relationship and is acting inappropriately at work?

BlondeDogLady · 01/03/2022 14:26

Sounds like there's a big back story??

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:29

@girlmom21 he's kind of felt obligated to, but he's planning on asking for a reduction of shifts with her when the next rotas are done

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2022 14:29

He needs to stop giving her lifts, give her one last time warning to leave him alone at work unless it’s a work matter, and after that this is an HR issue, not a relationship issue. It’s unwanted attention that other colleagues have noted and remarked on and he should ask his manager to support him on that.

If he ignores it and just lets it carry on then he’s the one putting himself at risk of her making a complaint about him.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:31

I'm half wondering how blatant she's making it as he's not the most observant of people. Even the night we got together, he didn't realise I was actually interested until I made it blatantly obvious 😂

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 14:35

[quote pinklemonade84]@girlmom21 he's kind of felt obligated to, but he's planning on asking for a reduction of shifts with her when the next rotas are done[/quote]
Tough shit. Tell him it stops now.
No options.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2022 14:37

@pinklemonade84

I would be mortified if my manager had to take me aside and say they thought I and another colleague were behaving inappropriately. I certainly wouldn’t continue to give lifts to said inappropriate colleague and take my DP out for a nice treat meal to convince him nothing was going on.

Why isn’t your OH equally mortified and wanting to put a stop to it?

LIZS · 01/03/2022 14:41

He needs to refuse the lifts and insist on professional boundaries at work. It could turn nasty with her making allegations about his inappropriate behaviour so he needs to minimise that opportunity and risk. Was he flattered by her attention initially?

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:44

His manager hasn't said she thought they were behaving inappropriately. She said she'd noticed this colleague following him around at work and that she'd started talking about him a lot (it sounds as if she was implying that the colleague was looking for any excuse to mention Dh)

OP posts:

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:45

He wasn't flattered. He just didn't notice it. He just goes into work and tries to get on with his job

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2022 14:48

His manager has noticed her following him around at work and thought this was significant enough to remark on to your OH. The manager also presumably knows your OH gives her lifts. The manager is essentially letting him know that it hasn’t gone unnoticed that they appear to be carrying on together at work. And that’s just the story you’ve been told.

I’d forget about things you can do to boost your confidence and start focussing on your DH’s behaviour.

Neveragain85 · 01/03/2022 14:56

It sounds a strange thing for a manager to say. I work in a corporate environment so can't imagine a manager saying something like that about an employee

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 14:58

@pinklemonade84

The sensible response to this would have been "yes I have started to feel uncomfortable with her behaviour. Could you please raise it with her?"

The manager was trying to help him.

phizog · 01/03/2022 15:04

@Neveragain85

It sounds a strange thing for a manager to say. I work in a corporate environment so can't imagine a manager saying something like that about an employee

This. But even in my partner's job which is shift work/not corporate, a manager wouldn't get involved unless it was causing a lot of disruption or was unprofessional. It still means that the manager expects him to take some action, and stop it.

If he's still giving her lifts, he clearly doesn't mind her advances. Or he's not being honest about what has been happening. Unless he's a drama llama he should be running a mile from any situation where he's stuck alone with her.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 01/03/2022 15:05

It's your DH who's the problem here. He's prioritising being a knight in shining armour over your feelings and his marriage. He should have knocked the lifts on the head the moment he knew you were uncomfortable with them.

Wazzawoowoo · 01/03/2022 15:13

He needs to stop giving her lifts. Before he gets himself sacked.

If his manager her noticed it, others will have too. It doesn't take much for gossip to spread. He needs to put a stop to it. Now.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 15:22

@ComtesseDeSpair how on earth does it look like they're carrying on at work? She's the one following dh around, not him following her

He's asking for his rotas to be changed so he's not on shift with her as much (they were meant to be on together a lot in March). If he wasn't doing this, then I'd be worrying if he was taking it seriously too

He offers everyone who doesn't drive a lift home when they finish at the same time as him. Not only this colleague, but several others, including another male. None of the others have come to expect it like she has. But, he has just said that he won't be offering anymore to her

OP posts:

LIZS · 01/03/2022 15:27

Because he is not being seen to discourage it. What jobs do they do, is their friendship/relationship potentially professionally compromising ?

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2022 15:30

If he’s not going to give her lifts anymore, has agreed with his manager that her following him makes him uncomfortable and could they have a word with her, and intends to ask his manager not to put them on shifts together then that’s all excellent. I’m not sure why you’re looking for ideas for confidence boosting as he seems to have handled it all perfectly correctly. It just didn’t seem that way until your last post.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 15:36

I don't think I explained myself properly, sorry. I want to work on my confidence for me. I don't want to rely on him to boost it if that makes sense? I need to work on myself and build it from there

OP posts:

LIZS · 01/03/2022 15:52

Are there any confidence building sessions near you? Do you work, volunteer, have any hobbies?

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2022 16:07

Okay, so I’ve now read some of the other thread you referred to and can confidently say in tandem with this one that this is really not a situation where you are responsible for feeling insecure and should be trying to think of ways not to be. This really is a situation where he’s been actively causing your insecurity. Telling you that she’s been flirting and spraying herself with perfume in the car? Telling you his manager has noticed her following him and talking about him all the time? Telling you that you’ll have to get used to it? A good man doesn’t tell his partner that he’s been getting lots of attention from another woman and make her feel insecure, a good man nips it in the bud with his colleague the first time it happens because he doesn’t want to encourage it and potentially hurt his partner.

You do need to work on your own confidence, though not in the way you think you do - but by recognising that you don’t have to stand for the above, and shouldn’t attach your self-worth to him and his behaviour, and by developing your life outside of the relationship: work, hobbies, friends. The best confidence boost there is realising how little you actually need somebody and that you could absolutely walk away whenever you wanted to; and by making sure they know this, too.

layladomino · 01/03/2022 16:23

Think about what you enjoy doing and spend more time doing it. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to take up? Do you want to see more of your friends? To join a gym? Get a new qualification?

Things that are about YOU, not your relationship, not about him.

You will build confidence as you build new skills and make new friends. You will have more faith in yourself. Just investing time in yourself is a positive thing. Then there's the benefits of the new skill / qualification / better health / whatever it is you're doing.

Don't look to your OH to make you feel good.

IrishKatie1971 · 01/03/2022 16:36

Mmmm... I would be asking myself why he's still giving a woman who he knows is after him, as it were, a lift, when someone else could do it, or she could get on her bike, as it were. I have a feeling he's telling you all this to placate you and there's actually something going on between them.

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