developments - insecurity about dh's colleague - need to build my confidence

[pinklemonade84]

I posted last week about feeling insecure about dh's colleague.

We've had some developments in that dh has caught her spraying herself with perfume the last 2 times he's given her a lift. The last time, he actually asked her not to and lied saying dd was sensitive to scents with her chest, as he didn't want to cause any upset. He's also noticed her following him around at work. And he's told me that he's starting to feel a bit awkward in the car with her because if he mentions something about dd (for example he said he was chatting about dd enjoying football as her boots had been left in the front of the car after practice), apparently she tries to immediately steer the conversation away from anything to do with us as a family. His manager has also noticed her increase in attention on him (apparently she's been talking about him alot when they've not been on shift together) and has asked him to be aware as she's done this before with another colleague

Now, to be fair to dh, he really is trying to help to build my confidence. He's been so lovely the past few days. He's been trying to pay me more attention and has been giving more compliments than he used to. I know it's early days, and it doesn't make up for the years, but, he genuinely is trying. And we're going to start trying to get out once a month or so, which I think is definitely going to help us to reconnect

I don't want to place it all on him and that it's his responsibility to help me snap out of this as that's not fair on him. I need to take the bulk of the responsibility. So, what I was wondering, was if anyone has any suggestions to help me to do this please?

sounds like this wanton hussy at work is truly making his life a misery. he’s so lucky to have you and another man at work (obviously a manager) to look out for him, and keep him safe from such wayward perfume wearing, lift requiring, office chatting whores.

Tbf though op he would also look irritated if he thought she was giving the game away. Hanging about making moon eyes at him infront of you.

But look, you're right, he's your husband so I'm sure you know best.

...I'd still look for that second phone though.

@lilkiki seriously? any need for that?

sorry I don’t mean to be shitty. Truthfully I’m just reading your thread like wow?

no, it was the blatant sarcasm, it was unnecessary

do people not realise that I already feel low enough without sticking the boot in?

Seriously though, his manager should be having words with her and if not your dh needs to raise a complaint, He also needs to keep his head down and do the best job he can, avoiding any distractions. If he has been there less time that her he is in the more vulnerable position.

Isn't the reason you feel so shitty in the first place though op that your partner is being a twat? All this 'building my confidence' stuff...its useless if the person you are with is intent on damaging it.

Like building a house on sand.

I know you say he is being nice currently. And that he has stopped giving her lifts. But it look like he has form for...not being the best news for your self esteem. Would that be fair?

Not saying that you don't have your own issues to work through but I think you need to ask yourself whether or not you can really become a strong, confident, happy person with him around.

He might not be a bad fella. But just, check in with yourself as to whether or not being around him brings out the best in you...or the worst.

How niche is his job OP?
Maybe it's time he gets a new job with more consistent hours, so you can work, and he can get away from this woman who's taking over in your headspace.

I worked with a woman like that, she had relationships with 3 different, attached men.
She tried to have relationships with at least 4 more.
I still blame the 3 men that cheated with her more than her.

I don’t get why he’s even talking to her though? If it’s really that bad he shouldn’t be feeling responsible for telling her to get a taxi. He shouldn’t even be engaging with her except for something work related he can’t avoid!

And him looking embarrassed/annoyed she was at the door when you were there. I’m sorry but it does sound like he may have gotten involved with her in some way and now she’s not backing off.

I’d be checking if he paid for her taxi.

There’s something not quite right with all this.

If she’s being that weird and stalkery that he’s so uncomfortable with it, why the fuck is he sorting taxis for her? She isn’t his responsibility. He does seem unable to have nothing to do with her. Why is that?
And don’t tell me it’s because he’s ‘being nice’.

If a creepy guy was following me round at work and being like this, I certainly wouldn’t be engaging with him and STILL sorting his fucking lifts home.

he still talks to her because he's not an ignorant person. he did say that he's only talking about work related stuff from now on rather than any chit chat

like I've already said, he didn't want a situation where she was dropping hints because she'd not got transport home. Yes, it's not his responsibility, I agree with that. But I can also see why he had her phone for a taxi in advance and in my opinion that's not him sorting her lifts, that's him avoiding her trying to hint her way into a lift home

@Sundancerintherain I'd actually hold both parties equally responsible in that situation. If a woman is actively perusing a man that she knows has a wife and a young child, then in my opinion she is just as responsible as the scum that didn't send her packing

I agree with PP OP, he's not trying to help you at all. He knows how you feel about this colleague and is deliberately ramping up your insecurity. He's a grown man who is perfectly capable of dealing with unwanted attention himself, with his managers support at work if necessary. But no, he prefers to present himself as helpless in the wake of her persual of him, playing the too nice to upset her card to you, while no doubt lapping up the attention, and with your jealousy as a bonus. And without wanting to worry you, that's my kindest interpretation. Worst case scenario there is something going on, and he's getting his story that he's being chased by her in first, so he can accuse her of lying if you find out.

Hi OP,

As usual with a MN thread people have jumped to worse case scenario that every man is a piece of trash, a liar and a cheat.

From your posts, it does sound to me like your husband is a bit oblivious to it to start with which is why its ended up like this. He seems to be taking the correct steps to ensure it stops (albiet maybe a little later than you'd hoped) but still, they are good steps. Only you know him, his character and whether you feel he is geniune or not.

For your actual post about self confidence - Why dont you switch up your look for something you have always wanted to try? New hair cut/colour, get your nails done? put some tan on. Give yourself a visible boost to help you feel more confident - this can help pave the way for you to build self confidence mentally.

Reading books such as 'Women dont owe you pretty' have helped me feeling more comfrtable and confident in my own skin, along with yoga and meditation (im not a dippie hippie type at all, but the slow/calmness of it all does help you to feel better).

Finding a hobbie would be great, sometimes easier said than done but if theres nothign physically available - have a look at online groups, you have said you like crafting tc, have a look at local online grafting groups, or check out when a craft fair is coming up and book yourself a ticket!

Self confidence is hard to build, and you have to put the work in to feel a result, but its certainly not impossible.

Best of luck to you OP xxx

Its funny how they're always oblivious to the unwanted attentions of attractive women though isn't it? If they're fabulous enough to have attractive women chasing them with no encouragement, you'd have thought they'd be fairly experienced in recognising interest and giving it the brush off.

I’m not sure she is responsible op. She sounds very unwell and may also have additional needs, it’s really not normal behaviour to literally follow someone around constantly and stalk them like this, I’m sure you know this. She sounds like she has something very wrong going on.

I’m wondering what kind of job he has that he can just move around a room and her follow him..
Not sitting at a computer, right?
Not loading trucks or maintenance work or Amazon packing or a supermarket or a regular office where constant moving around would mean logging in and out of computers..
Is your DH working in a medical field OP?

Yes irs very odd isn’t it. I’ve never actually seen anyone literally follow someone round constantly. And stand and stare, it’s so odd. And then for the manager to be warning him she used to follow someone else. You’d think they’d talk to her about it. It’s very disturbing.

I can only assume she’s very unwell or has additional needs.

I don't know if she has additional needs. And to be honest, all I'm really bothered about is how she's made me feel. Last night and when I was in the car that night

I genuinely thought aibu was the place to avoid on here. Yet some people are really like a dog with a bone over this whole presumption that he's got her as a bit on the side. And people acting as if Dh is the only one in the wrong and has somehow led this woman on

Whatever I say about Dh is the wrong thing. It's as if he's some evil predator against a harmless woman. When in actual fact, she's the one who's made him feel so uncomfortable that he's asked for his shifts to be changed and is raising the issue with his manager. And she's the one who left the floor unattended last night (even though she's allowed to work alone, unlike one of their other colleagues) to follow him to the door when he came out to collect the car keys from me

You’d certainly think she’d be being disciplined for not working..
not to mention stalking.. or sexual harassment.
Did the allegedly homosexual colleague report her and if so, why not?
In a medical setting (possibly lots of others) I can imagine how it might seem someone is following someone else around (someone not very sure of themselves following someone more experienced).
I can’t imagine it in a policing role, a call centre, a cleaning role.. I mean neither of them would be getting anything done!

I'd go straight to the manager and say he's uncomfortable and no more lifts etc and if she's done it before (???) then he'd rather not be left alone with her.

It’s not having a go at you OP but do you see how the story sort of doesn’t make sense.
It’s the manager’s job to discipline her or to protect your husband or the other man. But that doesn’t seem to be happening because, as you said, she was able to come to the door to watch him and you and sneer at you.
Your husband could certainly report that, could he not?

I feel for you, but it was your DH who instigated the lift giving, very recently, right?
You mentioned the perfume spraying as a sign of something untoward but to me that could be anything (she could be a smoker/BO/just like her perfume a lot).
It’s how she looks at him or interacts with him that is making you anxious. Does your gut tell you there’s something awry with her or do you feel like she’s just hunting out unavailable men for, let’s say, an ego boost?

I don't think he's cheating with her.

I think he likes the attention and he knows it's wrong and she's a bit strange I think he's too soft to say anything.