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Original poster

developments - insecurity about dh's colleague - need to build my confidence

127 replies

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:18

I posted last week about feeling insecure about dh's colleague.

We've had some developments in that dh has caught her spraying herself with perfume the last 2 times he's given her a lift. The last time, he actually asked her not to and lied saying dd was sensitive to scents with her chest, as he didn't want to cause any upset. He's also noticed her following him around at work. And he's told me that he's starting to feel a bit awkward in the car with her because if he mentions something about dd (for example he said he was chatting about dd enjoying football as her boots had been left in the front of the car after practice), apparently she tries to immediately steer the conversation away from anything to do with us as a family. His manager has also noticed her increase in attention on him (apparently she's been talking about him alot when they've not been on shift together) and has asked him to be aware as she's done this before with another colleague

Now, to be fair to dh, he really is trying to help to build my confidence. He's been so lovely the past few days. He's been trying to pay me more attention and has been giving more compliments than he used to. I know it's early days, and it doesn't make up for the years, but, he genuinely is trying. And we're going to start trying to get out once a month or so, which I think is definitely going to help us to reconnect

I don't want to place it all on him and that it's his responsibility to help me snap out of this as that's not fair on him. I need to take the bulk of the responsibility. So, what I was wondering, was if anyone has any suggestions to help me to do this please?

OP posts:
lilkiki · 03/03/2022 15:29

This reply has been deleted

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CourtRand · 03/03/2022 16:02

Sorry just seen there's further updates. He definitely needs to fully inform management of wats happening. It wouldn't be ok if a bloke was harassing a woman so it's not OK this way around.

I'd want to keep management abreast at all times and ensure CCTV works in the (office/store whatever it is).

Blue4YOU · 03/03/2022 16:19

Of course it’s not ok for anyone of either sex to harass a work colleague.
That’s why people are saying the OP’s husband needs to do something: not just stop giving her lifts (he asked her remember). Spraying perfume isn’t harassing anyone though it can be a pain in the arse.
The following and sneering is. So report it to management- the OP should not need to have to ask for ways to feel better when her DH can do it in a matter of minutes- by going to management himself instead of spreading gossip about what she has supposedly done to a colleague

Sazzlepop22 · 03/03/2022 16:25

Recreate the scenario where you meet him at work and if she's hanging about at the door just go over and invite her over for dinner or coffee or something. You can call her out in her behaviour without being confrontational or making accusations about it.
She's clearly interested in his life so welcome her get to know you too.
Aim is to make her feel foolish or at least weirded out. You have nothing to lose. You will feel nervous approaching her but you will feel bloody good walking away from her.

Bookworm20 · 03/03/2022 16:26

@pinklemonade84

he still talks to her because he's not an ignorant person. he did say that he's only talking about work related stuff from now on rather than any chit chat

like I've already said, he didn't want a situation where she was dropping hints because she'd not got transport home. Yes, it's not his responsibility, I agree with that. But I can also see why he had her phone for a taxi in advance and in my opinion that's not him sorting her lifts, that's him avoiding her trying to hint her way into a lift home

Yes I understand this, but given the updates on her basically stalking him around the workplace, I cannot for the life of me understand why he is still engaging with her about how she is getting home, other than simply saying ' I can't give you a lift anymore'. End of discussion.

If she hasn't sorted transport home by the end of the day, she can walk, or call a taxi then. it isn't up to him to even know how she is getting home. Thats the bit I find so odd. She is basically making his life hell at work, and making you insecure, and yet he is still acting as though he is responsible for how she gets home and needs to know she has transport sorted before he leaves?
Something doesn't add up.

It could be that she is simply obsessed with him, and he has played no part in that or has no clue until now (all of a sudden after you brought it up coincidently). I am not sure I could continue 'being nice' to someone who seemed hell bent on messing up my work to the point I have to change my shifts, and also hell bent on potentially wrecking my relationship. I just couldn't continue to be nice. I'd be telling them in no uncertain terms to back the hell off. That's not being ignorant.

And so what if she hints for a lift home. he just says No, I can't give you a lift, its no longer convenient. If he really can't do this and needs to be nice he can give an excuse, tell him to tell her he has no time to give her a lift because he has to be home for you to go to your work so he can look after DC.

5128gap · 03/03/2022 16:29

I don't think people are trying to be mean OP. But I think its really difficult to answer your question about how to feel better about yourself without acknowledging the elephant in the room that some of us can see. In my opinion you will not feel better about yourself in this relationship, because the other person in it is making you feel worse. You will move forward, then something else will 'just happen' that's apparantly someone else's fault again, or your fault, or anyone but his fault, and that will drag you back. I know you don't want to see any wrong in him, and prefer to blame your own insecurity, but I don't think its all on you to fix this.

Lady089 · 03/03/2022 16:34

Your DH doesn’t sound very pleasant based on your previous posts and your life sounds full of problems. I don’t understand about your DH being so concerned about her walking home alone when he was abusive to you?

Ciaobaby92 · 03/03/2022 17:10

@pinklemonade84

I don't know if she has additional needs. And to be honest, all I'm really bothered about is how she's made me feel. Last night and when I was in the car that night

I genuinely thought aibu was the place to avoid on here. Yet some people are really like a dog with a bone over this whole presumption that he's got her as a bit on the side. And people acting as if Dh is the only one in the wrong and has somehow led this woman on

I think every time you see her, you should say “Hi stalker lady!” Very loudly and smile and wave. For some weird reason she is trying to intimidate you, let her know it isn’t working.
Ciaobaby92 · 03/03/2022 17:24

Btw, I don’t mean you should actually call her “stalker lady”, but by her name whatever it is. I put asterisks around it which just bolded the text, but that’s not really what I meant.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 03/03/2022 17:29

@Ciaobaby92 it gave me a much needed giggle, but I knew what you meant 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 03/03/2022 17:34

I feel like some people aren't going to be happy until I tear my marriage apart over this. And that's not going to happen. I know what my husband is like and his personality doesn't match up with what some people are implying

He's messed up by letting all of this get to this point, yes he knows that. He's giving himself a hard enough time that he didn't realise and that he didn't put things in motion to stop it until now. And I do believe that he's genuinely trying to put it right

He's on an early shift with his manager tomorrow, so they'll be able to have a proper chat about things. He's briefly spoken to her today, and some of his shifts are able to be changed. The premises have cctv, in the office and around the building, inside and out, so he's protected that way too

OP posts:
Ciaobaby92 · 03/03/2022 17:37

@pinklemonade84

I feel like some people aren't going to be happy until I tear my marriage apart over this. And that's not going to happen. I know what my husband is like and his personality doesn't match up with what some people are implying

He's messed up by letting all of this get to this point, yes he knows that. He's giving himself a hard enough time that he didn't realise and that he didn't put things in motion to stop it until now. And I do believe that he's genuinely trying to put it right

He's on an early shift with his manager tomorrow, so they'll be able to have a proper chat about things. He's briefly spoken to her today, and some of his shifts are able to be changed. The premises have cctv, in the office and around the building, inside and out, so he's protected that way too

I am glad OP. I know what you’re going through, and I hope things work out for you 💐
Laptopsandmouses · 03/03/2022 18:21

@pinklemonade84

Whatever I say about Dh is the wrong thing. It's as if he's some evil predator against a harmless woman. When in actual fact, she's the one who's made him feel so uncomfortable that he's asked for his shifts to be changed and is raising the issue with his manager. And she's the one who left the floor unattended last night (even though she's allowed to work alone, unlike one of their other colleagues) to follow him to the door when he came out to collect the car keys from me
Gosh, this has evolved so much, from giving a woman a five min lift to she’s following him round, he’s having to change his shifts, he’s having ro escalate it to his manager, she’s done this before, his manager is worried for his safety, there’s CCTV cameras protecting him.

Crazy stuff.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 03/03/2022 18:43

@Laptopsandmouses someone else raised the point about cctv and I was clarifying that there was some in the building. And it would be protection if she tried something, he rebuffed her and she tried to make any accusations. She's already shown that she doesn't take social cues properly

If her attitude towards me hadn't been what it was, then I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest about the lifts. But, given the fact that I could see her staring at Dh, she wouldn't interact with me other than staring at me when she was saying about his shifts and that she didn't even acknowledge the lift or say thank you, of course I'm not going to want to be pally pally with her or have her around Dh

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/03/2022 20:18

OP please do consider going back to work if it's in any way plausible. It'll help your confidence and independence no end.

Twicklette · 03/03/2022 22:59

I agree with the posters suggesting the OP gets a job. Even a part time job will require the OP to interact with others and help increase self confidence. The OP needs to feel fulfilled in her own right apart from her husband. A job will encourage her husband to look at her in a new light and hopefully treat her with more respect. Feeling efficient and needed by holding down a job is such a healthy feeling.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 04/03/2022 07:19

At the moment a job for me just isn't possible. Dh's rota changes from month to month, he doesn't have set days off, or days where he works specific shifts. Add into the mix my appointments and dds epilepsy appointments. Though maybe when things settle down that will be an option

OP posts:
CadvanTheBard · 04/03/2022 08:08

You would feel so much better working though OP. If you worked for a LA appointments would be fine if you made the time up. You could work PT in school hours. You could have independence. Work friends. Work is such a great intervention for confidence and depression.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 09:04

Same with the NHS. Some employers can be really flexible OP.

WelliesWithHeels · 04/03/2022 10:33

I don't understand why this co-worker's transport is your husband's responsibility.
The lifts obviously need to stop, as well as your husband monitoring her use of taxis. No reasonable employer would place any responsibility on him to be accountable for her transport.
Lastly, is your husband a bit older than you? It struck me a bit oddly that applying fragrance was a "thing." It's like something from an 80s soft porn, along the lines of a secretary rolling down a stocking.
He's not oblivious, he needs to stop the transportation arrangements, and he needs to ask HR for actual help vs. vague comments about rota rearranging.
I normally wouldn't be so blunt, but the fact he has been violent before makes a difference.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 04/03/2022 10:58

@WelliesWithHeels the lifts have stopped, he was home as expected last time he was on shift with her. I'm not sure what you mean about him monitoring her use of taxis. I've explained why he made sure she'd got one arranged, as he didn't want to be presented with a situation with her hinting for a lift.

It's not seen as his responsibility. It started as a kind gesture when we were having the horrible weather and stuck from that. She managed before he started, so she'll have to manage again.

I'm actually older than him (but only by a few months). I'm not sure he sees it as a thing. But I'm wondering if my comments about being able to smell it in a morning when I got in the car have filtered through and that's why he was noticing

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 04/03/2022 12:02

OP, I know it’s usually bad form to refer to a poster’s historical posts, but it’s really relevant in this instance because the situation with this new colleague is not an isolated incident amid an otherwise loving and happy marriage. You have a posting history from which it’s clear your DH has form for enjoying getting his ego stroked by encouraging – or at least not discouraging – other women’s flirting and telling you to suck it up when you don’t like it. Same posting history shows that he’s been a bully and treated you like an inconvenience for years at best, and has at times been downright abusive to you.

There’s no advice anyone can give you to boost your confidence because this man is the root cause of your lack of confidence. And he doesn’t care that you have no confidence, it suits him for you to have poor self esteem, because it means you’re inclined to focus on how you need to change yourself and to blame other women for his behaviour, rather than telling him what a dick he is and kicking him to the kerb.

I know its not as simple as just leaving, especially not when you have an unwell child. Obviously you’re going to be thinking about money and housing and all that practical jazz. But maybe ask yourself – if you had enough money to leave comfortably, and if your DD didn’t have additional needs which prevent you from working: would you still want to be married to him, because you have a great life together and he brings you happiness?

Lady089 · 04/03/2022 13:34

@ComtesseDeSpair

OP, I know it’s usually bad form to refer to a poster’s historical posts, but it’s really relevant in this instance because the situation with this new colleague is not an isolated incident amid an otherwise loving and happy marriage. You have a posting history from which it’s clear your DH has form for enjoying getting his ego stroked by encouraging – or at least not discouraging – other women’s flirting and telling you to suck it up when you don’t like it. Same posting history shows that he’s been a bully and treated you like an inconvenience for years at best, and has at times been downright abusive to you.

There’s no advice anyone can give you to boost your confidence because this man is the root cause of your lack of confidence. And he doesn’t care that you have no confidence, it suits him for you to have poor self esteem, because it means you’re inclined to focus on how you need to change yourself and to blame other women for his behaviour, rather than telling him what a dick he is and kicking him to the kerb.

I know its not as simple as just leaving, especially not when you have an unwell child. Obviously you’re going to be thinking about money and housing and all that practical jazz. But maybe ask yourself – if you had enough money to leave comfortably, and if your DD didn’t have additional needs which prevent you from working: would you still want to be married to him, because you have a great life together and he brings you happiness?

And there’s always two sides to every story. So what he’s telling you is probably not the truth.
Dumblebum · 04/03/2022 17:18

If her attitude towards me hadn't been what it was, then I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest about the lifts

I’m very surprised you’ve written this because on your other thread you’d written you were very bothered and crying about it to him and upset you could smell her perfume and even dressed in some sexy underwear where you’d thought you’d show him it straight after she’d been in the car.

Soul31 · 04/03/2022 17:50

I have also looked at your other thread and you mention a lot how all his other female colleagues don’t bother you yet this particular woman does… your ‘female intuition’/ ‘gut feeling’ is literally screaming at you that something does not sit right with this whole situation. I think he’s definitely thriving off her attention, this whole situation seems like a huge ego boost for him.