Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

developments - insecurity about dh's colleague - need to build my confidence

127 replies

pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 14:18

I posted last week about feeling insecure about dh's colleague.

We've had some developments in that dh has caught her spraying herself with perfume the last 2 times he's given her a lift. The last time, he actually asked her not to and lied saying dd was sensitive to scents with her chest, as he didn't want to cause any upset. He's also noticed her following him around at work. And he's told me that he's starting to feel a bit awkward in the car with her because if he mentions something about dd (for example he said he was chatting about dd enjoying football as her boots had been left in the front of the car after practice), apparently she tries to immediately steer the conversation away from anything to do with us as a family. His manager has also noticed her increase in attention on him (apparently she's been talking about him alot when they've not been on shift together) and has asked him to be aware as she's done this before with another colleague

Now, to be fair to dh, he really is trying to help to build my confidence. He's been so lovely the past few days. He's been trying to pay me more attention and has been giving more compliments than he used to. I know it's early days, and it doesn't make up for the years, but, he genuinely is trying. And we're going to start trying to get out once a month or so, which I think is definitely going to help us to reconnect

I don't want to place it all on him and that it's his responsibility to help me snap out of this as that's not fair on him. I need to take the bulk of the responsibility. So, what I was wondering, was if anyone has any suggestions to help me to do this please?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 19:48

He genuinely won't have noticed. Like I said in a pp, he didn't notice I was interested until I made it blatantly obvious when we were on a night out with friends. Also, he can't lie to save his life, his ears go bright red, so Id know if he was telling lies

I don't work as his shifts chop and change so much. So, I look after dd and the house. Though I'm going to start making an effort to get out more, maybe start swimming a few times a week.

I want to take a bit more of an interest in how I look. Not just for him, but for me. I used to love doing my makeup and making an effort. But since being ill last year, I just haven't really been able to bring myself to. So, I'm going to be changing that

OP posts:
BrimFullOfAsher · 01/03/2022 19:56

I'm not sure how her wearing perfume and speaking to your DH definitely means she wants to shag him rather than just being friends?🤷‍♂️

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 20:07

By the sounds of it, she's got previous for getting "attached" to other male members of the team. And when I was in the car with them she practically blanked me, kept staring at Dh, didn't thank me for the lift and the only time she really acknowledged me was when she was looking at me while telling Dh when he'd next be on shift with her

OP posts:
mycarisBananacustard · 01/03/2022 20:09

Make him refuse the lifts

We had a woman at my DP work who lived nearby to us asking for lifts - DP being nice ‘didn’t mind’ I wasn’t happy so put a total stop to it

mycarisBananacustard · 01/03/2022 20:10

Sorry to add I actually sold my car and told dh I’d need his but I’d drop him off each day - minus his colleague and then I asked him to apply for a different job as she was relentless wanting other favours too (diy and to start a shared hobby …..erm no )

1FootInTheRave · 01/03/2022 20:16

So he's completely ignorant to her blatant plays. Yet others have noticed?

He needs to actively distance himself.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 01/03/2022 20:26

I think from what he's saying he will be doing. He's spoken to his manager today about getting as many shifts as possible changed over. And he's said tonight if she makes him feel uncomfortable, he'll be talking to his area manager too. I'm not sure why it's suddenly clicked in his head, but, I'm pleased he's actually doing something about it

OP posts:
CharlotteTuesday · 01/03/2022 21:10

Why is he telling you all this? I'd expect my husband to just ... deal with it. In his own way. I wouldn't need a running commentary about the ins and outs of it unless there was something specific to tell me

Is he trying to make you jealous? Are you a generally insecure person?

The best way to develop confidence here would be to tell him you're no longer interested in who said what, who followed who round the corridor at work etc etc. sounds like a bit of an ego boost for him and there's no proof that his interpretation of her behaviour is the right one

greasyshoes · 01/03/2022 22:46

Generally, is this type of thing common in the workplace? Most jobs I've had (including the job I currently have) are very much completely sexless.

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 06:56

Get a job OP. The independence will help your self-confidence. Once you are settled in a job you'll start questioning why you put up with this nonsense.

He can't report her and continue taking her home. That's silly.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 02/03/2022 07:32

@girlmom21 I don't think he was going to be carrying on giving her lifts if it got to the point of him having to raise it with the area manager

@CharlotteTuesday I think he thinks that it's better for him to be open and honest about how things are there. He's not a braggy kind of person, so it would be in his nature to brag about this woman

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 08:09

But he needs to stop long before he makes the complaint. He needs to show he's made his feelings clear. His words need to reflect his actions.

SortingItOut · 02/03/2022 08:14

@pinklemonade84 What hobbies do you have? Swimming is fine but you jeedothers where you interact with other people?
Do you have friends?

Wearing make up sounds good but you need to feel confident without make up too.
Could you just wear light make up to start with?

TuscanApothecary · 02/03/2022 08:20

OP has your husband bent over backwards to apologise to you? He made you feel shit about this and your senses were right about her.

You keep trying to take the responsibility and make yourself better/more secure/happier. I did that when I was in an abusive relationship. One day you will have enough and leave. You don't have to change anything about yourself. You are worthy of love, care and respect just as you are.

knittingaddict · 02/03/2022 08:22

@girlmom21

Why is he still giving her lifts if she's causing problems in your relationship and is acting inappropriately at work?
Indeed. He seems to be telling you things that would undermine your confidence, doing nothing practical to solve those issues for both of you, while simultaneously playing the nice guy and "building up your confidence" that he has helped to destroy.

Keeping you on your toes sounds more like it. Not nice.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 02/03/2022 08:24

@SortingItOut I'm not a big fan of heavy makeup anyway, so it's super light as it is

I get out with friends occasionally for coffee, but, hobbies wise, there isn't really anything. I like to read and do crafts (like diy bits for dds bedroom), but I wouldn't really call them hobbies

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 02/03/2022 08:26

@TuscanApothecary he's been really apologetic and does keep acknowledging that he was wrong to not have listened to me

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 08:36

[quote pinklemonade84]@TuscanApothecary he's been really apologetic and does keep acknowledging that he was wrong to not have listened to me[/quote]
But OP it's just words and no action. I'm sorry to bang on but he's at fault here. There's no point telling you you're beautiful to then come home smelling of the perfume of a woman acting inappropriately towards him.

He looks like he's leading her on from an outsiders perspective.

Kirst26 · 02/03/2022 08:46

He sounds like a nice fella that tries to avoid confrontation but even if he always offers people lifts, he shouldnt be with her. You yourself have seen how she looks at him, if it was a reversed situation we would be saying you shouldnt be encouraging a male colleague like this for fear of what could happen. Instead of requesting different shifts, he needs to just tell her that he isnt able to give her a lift anymore. What if the following month they are on a lot of shifts together or the month after that? Or what if she thinks it has been done by accident and requests to be on the same shifts as him as its more convenient for her to get a lift home? He just needs to kick the lifts into touch, he doesnt owe her anything.

He also doesnt need to overcompensate with you by telling you every single thing thats happening. He just needs to distance himself. Hes not at school, who cares if he offends her?

He also needs to speak to his manager for them to have a word with her about following him around (i.e. not working herself as much as she should be!). Having previous for this kind of behaviour should have made the manager more aware that they might need to nip it in the bud.

RedRec · 02/03/2022 08:51

Ugh. Sounds as though he's enjoying the drama. And enjoying telling you about it in unnecessary detail.

MorrisZapp · 02/03/2022 08:54

Admittedly I haven't read the other thread but I'm not sure exactly what this woman has done wrong, or why your dh is reporting it to you so forensically.

I don't think you can expect employers to take action against their employees wearing perfume.

Kirst26 · 02/03/2022 09:52

I don't think you can expect employers to take action against their employees wearing perfume.

You can if it bothers other people's chests for example but in this case its about the employer allowing this woman to be following someone around and not doing their own work. I very much doubt they would allow it if it was a man following a woman around.

jessthepostmanscat · 02/03/2022 10:44

Sorry but after reading your other thread and then this one, I feel like he's cottoned on to the fact that you're suspicious and now he's telling you all this to try to cover up what's actually going on. Plus being 'lovely' and giving you more attention (basically love bombing you to try to distract you from what's actually happening). I'm very dubious that a manager in a corporate environment would ever say anything like that. I hope I'm wrong but that's the sense I'm getting from all this.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 02/03/2022 10:47

See, I don't think she's going in with it on super strong, from what Dh has said, he'd noticed it was strong when he was giving her a lift, and I could smell it in the car the following morning. The past couple of times he's actually seen her spraying it and has now asked her not to

His manager will be in when he gets into work later, so he's going to have a chat about it with her.

And he's decided he's not going to be offering her lifts anymore (in my opinion it took him too long to decide that, but I'm glad he has done). I didn't want to be controlling, I expressed my views, but I didn't want to actually ban him from doing it, the decision had to come from him

Apparently the last man that she attached herself to, wasn't interested in women, and she was trying to change that. She doesn't seem to be able to process social cues from what dh has said

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 10:47

I very much doubt they would allow it if it was a man following a woman around.

They would if it was highlighted to the woman who didn't then say she felt uncomfortable or whatever because they'd logically assume that it was a mutual 'thing'.

They've made OP's H aware that she's acting strangely and he's chosen not to ask them to act on it. If she does fancy him or whatever he's actively encouraging it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread