developments - insecurity about dh's colleague - need to build my confidence

[pinklemonade84]

I posted last week about feeling insecure about dh's colleague.

We've had some developments in that dh has caught her spraying herself with perfume the last 2 times he's given her a lift. The last time, he actually asked her not to and lied saying dd was sensitive to scents with her chest, as he didn't want to cause any upset. He's also noticed her following him around at work. And he's told me that he's starting to feel a bit awkward in the car with her because if he mentions something about dd (for example he said he was chatting about dd enjoying football as her boots had been left in the front of the car after practice), apparently she tries to immediately steer the conversation away from anything to do with us as a family. His manager has also noticed her increase in attention on him (apparently she's been talking about him alot when they've not been on shift together) and has asked him to be aware as she's done this before with another colleague

Now, to be fair to dh, he really is trying to help to build my confidence. He's been so lovely the past few days. He's been trying to pay me more attention and has been giving more compliments than he used to. I know it's early days, and it doesn't make up for the years, but, he genuinely is trying. And we're going to start trying to get out once a month or so, which I think is definitely going to help us to reconnect

I don't want to place it all on him and that it's his responsibility to help me snap out of this as that's not fair on him. I need to take the bulk of the responsibility. So, what I was wondering, was if anyone has any suggestions to help me to do this please?

I probably seem like a naive lovestruck woman. I promise I'm not. He's fully aware that he's contributed to this situation in that he didn't click what was going on, so obviously didn't put a stop to it as quickly as he should have done. He's got a lot of ground to cover, not just from this situation, but how I've felt in the past.

The thing about building my own confidence is that I want to show dd that you can make yourself feel good. You don't need someone else to do it for you

Your DH has had past “indiscretions” hasn’t he? I’m can’t remember if you said affair of just flirtations in the past?

Obviously you’ve chosen to forgive this and move past it but it won’t have done your confidence much good because you’re still massively insecure about a random woman who has absolutely no hold over your husband.

I thinks top fixating on what she is / isn’t doing, because I don’t mean to be rude but your husband has lied in the past. So you will never ever know the true story about how flirty she is / if he noticed or didn’t notice etc.

He needs to stop giving her lifts immediately and then she never needs to be an issue again.

Confidence wise I would suggest therapy if you can afford it. If not then I’d suggest exercise - even walking is super beneficial to our mental health. If that’s not physically possible or comfortable then taking up a hobby that you really enjoy, perhaps reading certain books and joining an online book club.
Self love and pampering helps me feel better. It’s not about appearance but having hair cut so it feels healthy and using nice smellies in the bath so I feel soft and clean.
Listening to podcasts is a great way to explore new subjects, I like listening to true crime podcasts - which is not for everyone but you can find things which interest you or make you laugh / happy etc.
I also like YouTube when I’m feeling a bit MEH - I’ll look up make up tutorials or motivating speeches or short documentaries on celebrities I like etc.

I think confidence for me comes from just being happy and content in myself and a lot of this is comes from self care. Whatever makes you FEEL good inside Is what you should concentrate on, when you feel good, your self esteem will increase

With all due respect OP, I think he is feeding you a load of bullshit.

He has cottoned on you were getting suspicious of this woman and has changed tact. Please just think about this for a second:

When you gave her a lift with DH in the car she was dismissive of you, spoke only to DH and looked at you while discussing his shifts with him (from the old thread). Did not thank you for the lift, only said goodbye to DH.
This equate to there was very likely something on some level already going on bewteen them.

Your DH has said he has found out she has form for this (coming onto men?)and has done it with another collegue.
This equates to him showing her as a predator so anything you hear from now on is all on her - not his fault, shes a predator.

Your DH has said his manager has had a word with him.
A manager would not have a word with someone if a collegue was just following them around and chatting about them. The manager has had a word because it has become obvious there is something going on between them and it is affecting his and her work. I imagine something along the lines of they are being caught chatting toegther when should be working, a little too often.
Him telling you this will manager conversation took place also cover his arse if you ever found out the manager was suggesting something going on, and also again paints her as the predator, so not his fault, poor lamb.

He however does not yet appear to have done anything about this.
This equates to because he doesn't want to.

He is asking to change his shifts
Have you seen his request? Could it be the manager is actually demanding he change his shifts because neither of them are getting their jobs done because of all the flirting. Or he is changing his shifts because the OW is and he wants to still continue to work with her.

He is going to stop giving lifts
If he really was being propositioned by this peredator and was not interested, he would have already stopped the lifts. When will the lift stopping be happening exactly? Because there should be zero more lifts.

He is being more attentive to you
Of course he is. You are suspicious and you are right. He nees to sort that out doesn't he so you can stop being suspicious and he can go back to whatever it was he was doing without feeling guilty.

To sum up (his version): he is being chased by this woman, his manager has warned him about it, he needs to change his shifts to work with her less, but hes still currently giving her lifts because on top of all that hes too nice to just say to her, sorry no more lifts?

Sorry, it sounds to me like hes covering his tracks and coming out with a ton of bullshit.

In terms of your self esteem, from what you have posted about this man previously, I think the best thing for your self esteem would be to distance yourself from him

@Bookworm20 to answer some of your points

I don't know specifically what his manager has said. Just that she'd taken him to one side and that she'd noticed the woman's increase in attention on him. And that she had done this before (though she didn't tell him the other colleague was actually homosexual, he told dh that himself when they were on shift together yesterday)

Yes I've seen his request asking to change his shifts and asking to speak to his manager today when he goes in

He's on shift with her later and has said for him, the lifts have stopped and will not be offered when they finish work this evening

How is he meant to have done something about it if he genuinely didn't notice?

I think you're jumping to massive assumptions. Because, other than the 10 minutes it would take to drive to her flat car park and turn around back to town, he's never been any later. There was nothing on his phone from another woman when I looked, no extra phone calls, no extra texts

Thats good, lets hope he is genuinely is in the dark about this then. I am just someone who thinks if something does not quite add up, theres a reason. Been there and definitely bought too many tshirts :)
And lets hope he does not drive her home tonight, if what he is saying is actually all true.

Perhaps get out on that date this weekend? After the embolism and covid and everything, perhaps its a bit of cabin fever contributing to you feeling low.

Also, someone else suggested it, but if you can get a job, any job, even just a couple hours a week, this could be great for you. It will give you some focus and get you out the house.
Good luck, OP

dd has after school activities on a wednesday, which meant I needed the car tonight. I've had to drop it down to dh at work so he can get home and he used one of his breaks to pop out to me. He came out really annoyed as she's been following him round all evening since he got to work. She even followed him to the door and stood smirking at me when he came over and gave me a cuddle and kiss. He says he's coming straight home tonight when he finishes and that he's going to be chatting to one of the managers in the morning to say that he's starting to feel uncomfortable

Tell him to tell her to piss off and do her job.

He's said that he's giving himself little tasks that mean he needs to move around the room a lot and not be in one same space for any length of time

OP WTH???

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3547376-obviously-worth-nothing-to-him

In one of your previous posts, he punched furniture right next to your HEAD? This is the same man???

@IrishKatie1971 and in the almost 3 years since then, he's never given me any reason to be afraid of him. He fully regretted what he did and spent a lot of time making it right

You sound so very unhappy in those other threads.

OP, to reiterate, I think the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is build up your own life. Find a job, have something that’s yours and you outside of the home and money that’s your own; join some groups, a gym, hobbies, make some friends. Speak to other people. At the moment your world sounds very small and you’re settling for scraps from a man who a load of strangers can tell isn’t very nice to you, even though you’re trying to tell us that he’s not that bad really. I think when you have a life which isn’t just him, you might view your relationship in a different way.

He sounds as if he's enjoying all the attention and drama a bit here and can't wait to tell you all about it, this all sounds very immature, and 'he said/she said'

Unless she is seriously sexually harassing him I find it hard to believe a company will plan their next rota around him working with her, if she is behaving this badly they would need to take proper action, the manager taking him aside sounds off somehow, I can't put my finger on it.

OP you sound lovely but aren't you a little suspicious of him suddenly being so loving and paying you compliments? I know you really want him to be like this but it sounds like he's trying to manipulate you here, just keep an eye alert to this.

I agree with PP a part time job would be brilliant for building your confidence and self esteem.

I remember your thread about being in the car with them both.

On that thread and on this one you seem so obsessed with the other woman's behavior. It's really odd. Who gives a crap what she does? Your partner is an adult man. He has full control over himself and if she is harassing him at work then he has avenues to get that documented and addressed.

You don't seem to care enough about what his behaviour is doing to you - meaning, you don't seem to care enough about yourself. The impact all this drama is having on you. You talk about wanting more confidence - but then the "confidence" seems to be a euphemism for feeling attractive to your partner. Which isn't the point of life.

If he cheats that's his decision and his problem and I would hope you kick him to the kerb. Cheaters will cheat on anybody, how many times do you read threads on here where OP has been having sex regularly with their partner but it turns out he's been using prostitutes every business trip for the last 10 years or having an affair or whatever.

Did he come straight home Op?

He did, he was back 10 minutes earlier than if he'd been taking her home. He said he had her phone a taxi about 5 minutes before they closed for the night, so it was there ready and waiting for when they left the building

@pinklemonade84

He did, he was back 10 minutes earlier than if he'd been taking her home. He said he had her phone a taxi about 5 minutes before they closed for the night, so it was there ready and waiting for when they left the building

Why did he have to get her to phone a taxi?

He's way too invested in her.

Avoiding her all night but then 'making sure she gets home safe' is encouraging her behaviour. It's making her think he cares.

Because he didn't want to be presented with a situation where she was hinting about not having one organised

This is very odd, no? She’s following him around, whay like walking ten paces behind like she’s stalking him? And the manager warned him because she’s done it to others

That all sounds rather unlikely doesn’t it. Do you think he’s messing with you then?

No, I don't think he's messing with me. I've seen his messages to his manager (and I know it's her as there's a message from the same number asking him to come in early one day as someone had called in sick and her signing off with her name) asking for shift changes and asking to have a chat with her

From what he's said, he's moving around to different places in the room, and then within minutes she's followed him to the same place

If I genuinely thought he was cheating on me he'd be gone. I saw what it did to my mum when my dad did actually cheat, and I wouldn't want that for dd

Op it is common for cheats to try and convince you the person they are shagging is actually just some crazy woman who is obsessed with them.

I'm not buying this 'my manager told me...' bullshit. And him suddenly acting all nice after being a divk last week. Are you? Seriously?

I mean come on, he even latched onto the perfume idea you suggested!

Load of bs.

If she was a creepy cow, do you really think he wpuld still be giving her lifts? He's taking the piss!

Setting you up for "she is crazy" if she ever tells you they slept together.

Have a hunt for a second phone op.

He's not still giving her lifts. He was home straight away last night

You don't have to buy it, I'm the one married to him and I'm the one who has a family with him. If I hadn't seen his messages asking his manager for a chat and shift changes, and his managers messages to him from the same number, then yes I'd be dubious. But, please don't try and make out that I'm some sort of fool

I honestly feel for you. So many seem so certain that your husband is feeding this and is enjoying it. I’m probably going to get some backlash for this but tbh I think he is handling it the right way. He is being as honest and upfront about it as he can and if that was my husband that’s what I’d want. Imagine if he withheld something and then you found out at a later stage how would that look. For now you need to take him at face value, he has stopped the lifts and has spoken to his manager to sort out shift arrangements etc.

Like you say you’re the 1 married to him you know him best. If you know of his movements and messages then trust your gut. This woman clearly has history of this and unfortunately there are women (and men) out there that do act and behave like this and they seem to have an attraction for married or committed people. Tell your husband to never be alone with her for his own sake not because he doesn’t trust himself which is what some will say but because as she could make up any crap and even if your husband is innocent it could still destroy your family.

Hope it all gets easier for you soon.

It's really hard to describe, but I saw the look on his face last night when she'd followed him to the door when he came out to me. He was genuinely irritated about her having followed him to the door and standing there watching for however long before she eventually went back inside

People seem to think that I'm just focusing on her and letting Dh get away with everything. No, I'm actually not. Like I've stated before, he's not exactly in the good books for not clicking as to what's been going on. But, when a woman gets into your car, actively doesn't respond to you, then stares at you when she's talking to your husband, yes it's going to leave a weird vibe

I've been feeling so low since being ill last year. My wanting to boost my confidence is very much down to that. And I just wanted to say thank you to the people who have responded to that request, the suggestions have really been appreciated