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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Turning a blind eye to repeated cheating

231 replies

JamSandwich0 · 28/02/2022 23:10

Does anyone ignore partner indescretions for a happy peaceful life?

Pretending you don't know what's going on and enjoying your life together regardless.

OP posts:
Mummytobe93 · 01/03/2022 17:36

It’s not that he’s just a cheater, hes a liar with a double life that you know nothing about.

There’s plenty of ways in which his “dirty” world crosses over and affects your “perfect” one.
For example:

  • He could get someone else pregnant, she won’t be happy to be just the other woman , he’ll have to pay for the child (best case scenario) or he might leave to be with her, or she somes after him to expose him to his family
  • give you STD
  • could be blackmailed by someone

And so on.

I think you’re in another level of denial OP if you think you can shelter your kids long term.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 01/03/2022 17:37

Meant to say that if you don't care then you don't care and it obviously works for you. It's your life and your choice.

I couldn't do it. It would eat me from the inside out. But people are different and if you prefer to ignore it, that's your choice.

You could always tell him you know and suggest an open marriage where you are both at it.

He can hardly object, after all. 🤷

RiaOverTheRainbow · 01/03/2022 17:46

Do you think he loves you?

If you really want to make this work, you could discuss non-monogamy without bringing up his cheating. Then you could carry on without the lies. Or you can keep letting him lie to you and hope he doesn't break your heart anyway.

tempester28 · 01/03/2022 17:46

I would say that as you are still young, you should think how this will develop in the future.

Cyberpunk2077 · 01/03/2022 17:46

Just out of curiosity OP what happens if he gets another woman pregnant? Condoms break, if he has a decent job some may lie about contraception etc so then what if he has to pay for another child/children? Have another family to care for as in any decent man (which apparently he is) would want a relationship with his kids. Having to tell your children about their half sibling/siblings that were born because daddy likes to fuck around.

All seems a bit grim to me.

AuntMasha · 01/03/2022 17:52

No, the truth is very important to me. I would rather have the truth, even if it resuls in pain. I wouldn’t ever want to live in a fool’s paradise because there is no psychological growth, only stagnation.

TravellingFrom · 01/03/2022 17:59

@Mummytobe93

If you’ve got such a fulfilling & busy life together why and how does he seek the company if other women *@JamSandwich0* ?

Your kids might suffer sooner or later as man with such poor morals might just simply think the grass must be greener somewhere else.

Tbf people have affairs whether or not their family life/Relationship is fulfilling. The OP’s DH having an affair is not the sign that the marriage isn’t fulfilling. It’s a sign he can’t keep it in his pants. That he is not trustworthy too.

Tbh the couples I know where the marriage wasn’t good and ime of them had an affair, very often the issues appeared after the affair started. Basically once emotionally involved with someone else, keeping the prestance going became hard work. Many people manage that well though.

TheRideOfYourLife · 01/03/2022 18:04

@DevonSunsets Now, that does make more sense. There comes a point where any friend will drive you mad if they are that unhappy about their situation but won't try to change it. However, the OP doesn't seem to be unhappy, so I'd think it was up to her. I'm in two minds about it, really. There's a lot to be said for still being together when you're 60 or 70, and still having a home for your children/grandchildren to return to for family events and so on, regardless of who's shagged whom in the meantime. Several of my friends have elderly divorced parents, and said elderly divorced parents have a harder time overall than my parents, for instance, who have been married for 50+ years. So there is potentially something to be said for turning a blind eye to indiscretions so long as the primary relationship remains intact.

Herewegoagain84 · 01/03/2022 18:07

But it is indignity because it’s not an open marriage - he is openly betraying you / lying to you / making you look a bit silly and he doesn’t care. If it was an open marriage and he was aware you knew about his cheating, and you were open to the same opportunities, that is a level playing field. But you’re not. It’s a sham marriage because you’re both living a pretence.

DevonSunsets · 01/03/2022 18:24

[quote TheRideOfYourLife]@DevonSunsets Now, that does make more sense. There comes a point where any friend will drive you mad if they are that unhappy about their situation but won't try to change it. However, the OP doesn't seem to be unhappy, so I'd think it was up to her. I'm in two minds about it, really. There's a lot to be said for still being together when you're 60 or 70, and still having a home for your children/grandchildren to return to for family events and so on, regardless of who's shagged whom in the meantime. Several of my friends have elderly divorced parents, and said elderly divorced parents have a harder time overall than my parents, for instance, who have been married for 50+ years. So there is potentially something to be said for turning a blind eye to indiscretions so long as the primary relationship remains intact.[/quote]
That's the problem though. She was quite flippant at first and used to laughingly say that the OW was 'doing her a favour' and she was ok with the pay off.

But over time she was slowly less ok with it and she would talk herself round in these circles with a weird cognitive dissonance. It seemed to me it was inexorably tearing her apart over the years but because she felt as she 'had made her peace with it' she didn't have 'the right' to feel bad - in essence she was lying to herself that it was ok, that she was ok with it and it was worth it.

'there is more to relationships than sex' 'we respect each other and the life we have built together' 'Its better to be a united front, than a broken home' were all things she said repeatedly, it was hard to believe them when it was apparent that she didn't herself on a deeper level.

momonpurpose · 01/03/2022 18:26

If it truly didn't bother you you would not ha e posted. You also wouldn't be defending your choice. By tolerating this your children will be next. Is that the future you want for them?

Windypants21 · 01/03/2022 18:52

I wondered if you were young and pretty etc. It sounds as if it benefits him for you to be like this. This wont always be the case, for however long, who knows. The only advice I will give you is to make sure you prepare for the day, that will come, when the tides shift for whatever reason, and make sure you are ready to jump or be pushed from your relationship. Financially prepare for you and your children and gather the evidence of his indiscretions, if you cant face them now put them aside until you can or need to.

What did he do, or not do, to upset these women so they felt compelled to tell you ? It is likely at the very least one of them said to him.... 'I'm going to tell your wife'..... he knows this, he knows you are prepared to put up with everything he does, he can do what he likes with whom he likes. Neither of you is acknowledging this to the other. He is not your best friend.

It might be 'working' for you now but it wont always. Just be ready.

I'm speaking as someone who thought that because he came back he loved me more...he really just loved himself more, then he found someone he loved more and who was more willing to fight for him and I was brushed aside ...15 years down the tubes ...I was 35 . It is hard to pick yourself up after that length of time. I look back and am so angry I wasted my time on him at all.

AladdinPrincess999 · 01/03/2022 19:11

I couldn't personally. My mother did though. She was also In denial.

If your husband is having his cake and eating it then he has no respect for you, the mother of his children and you have no respect for yourself for allowing it to happen. You don't know your self worth. You can have all that you talk about with another man, without him cheating on you. It is possible.

AladdinPrincess999 · 01/03/2022 19:12

I agree with @Windypants21

zeldaonadreamcloud · 01/03/2022 19:15

OP, there are plenty of men who feel love for their wives and lives with their families yet have affairs. Those men compartmentalise and their affair relationships in no way affect how they feel about their wives and families who they, in their minds, love and value very much.

I could not have a relationship with a man like that, but if you are not jealous and it works for you then do it. It really doesn't mean he doesn't feel love for you or very much value having you in his life.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 01/03/2022 19:25

I would say though, that if you are getting messages from other women they are probably affairs, not one night stnads.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/03/2022 19:33

On the upside it’s women not loads of men messaging you.

MrMrsJones · 01/03/2022 19:43

He 100% would never let that happen

So it's OK for him to fuck other people but not you...

LadyLolaRuben · 01/03/2022 19:57

Im sorry OP I hear what you're saying but, this man's behaviour means he has no respect or loyalty to you or your family. The thought of acting in such a way if his feelings towards you were genuine wouldn't even enter his head. If you're happy with a superficial relationship then its fine because that's just what you have. You also have lies, deceit and messages to other women when you're not watching. He's thinking about other women when sat with you. Its possible he'll leave you for one of these women at some point too.

Ginger1982 · 01/03/2022 19:57

I doubt the women would be messaging you if they were just one night stands.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/03/2022 19:59

If your staying you need to always have an income, car, mobile phone and pension nothing to do with him so if he does leave you can still pay all your bills and look after your kids. Everything in your name. They cant take it off you then.

Ginger1982 · 01/03/2022 20:00

Also, according to your other thread, he has a massive problem with alcohol 🤷🏼‍♀️

EmbarrassedAllOver · 01/03/2022 20:10

Your kids will eventually find out and will feel their whole childhood at home was a lie. The will be angry at your husband and they feel pity for you. At least that's what id be worried about...

LoudSnoringDog · 01/03/2022 20:10

I have a friend who on the outside looking in has a wonderful life. Beautiful home, expensive holidays, plenty of disposable cash to do whatever she likes really. Doesn't need to work so goes to gym, lunches with friends etc.
Her husband has cheated frequently across their marriage. She turns her gaze as she has a life of luxury and is willing to sacrifice her self worth for this. She says she is happy......

1FootInTheRave · 01/03/2022 20:12

Absolutely not.

I love and respect myself far too much to tolerate that.

Also, imo, best friends don't treat each other so poorly.

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